(no subject)
I spent part of my morning reading through every old entry I'd made in this journal. I was looking for clues - secrets to my weight loss success. And really, what I found was pretty much what I'm doing now. Not much has changed. I'm realizing that my relationship with food is complex and frustrating and a huge source of my weight loss problems. I'd rather be addicted to smoking! (Okay, maybe not, but you know).
I weigh 180 pounds. That's 20lbs away from being 200lbs again. There's a 2 sentence horror story for you. But after months of being on tumblr, and being a huge advocate for loving yourself how you are, eating what you want, and being generally a huge feminist, I came to a realization. I don't want to be a poster child for 'health at any size'. I know that's selfish, but I just want to be skinny. I've wanted it my whole life. It's stupid and shallow, and years of societal pressure have made me want it more than anything, but there it is.
I've been metaphorically scratching at the walls of my "cage" (ie: stay-at-home-mom). I miss having a purpose, an assignment. I miss having colleagues, and work clothes, and earning money. I miss packing a lunch and working uninterrupted. I sent in a resume for a bookkeeping/admin assit. job today. Part time and local, so it's perfect. I just need a change. When I had a desk job and was losing weight, it kind of just came naturally. I packed healthy food. I went to the gym after work. Now, I have access to all my food all the time. I have to bring Pepper if I want to go workout during the day.
Anyway, clearly something needs to change. Food journaling, for one. A part-time job that gets me out of the house! I have a race in August that I'd love to lose 10lbs for. And another big race in November - the Spartan Beast. 15 miles, 30 obstacles. I don't want to carry around this extra weight like I did for the Spartan Sprint, and Super Spartan!
Meal 1:
3 eggs cooked in coconut oil
2 slices bacon
1 starbucks via coffee w/ splash of almond milk
Meal 2:
Banana
Meal 3:
2 bites of PB&J
Salad (mixed greens, cucumber, carrot, croutons, goat cheese)
2 slices hard salami
3 strawberries
2 Andes mints
Tea
Meal 4: (Planned)
Whey
Almonds
Meal 4: (Planned)
100% Beef patty w/ avocado
Asparagus
Tea
I weigh 180 pounds. That's 20lbs away from being 200lbs again. There's a 2 sentence horror story for you. But after months of being on tumblr, and being a huge advocate for loving yourself how you are, eating what you want, and being generally a huge feminist, I came to a realization. I don't want to be a poster child for 'health at any size'. I know that's selfish, but I just want to be skinny. I've wanted it my whole life. It's stupid and shallow, and years of societal pressure have made me want it more than anything, but there it is.
I've been metaphorically scratching at the walls of my "cage" (ie: stay-at-home-mom). I miss having a purpose, an assignment. I miss having colleagues, and work clothes, and earning money. I miss packing a lunch and working uninterrupted. I sent in a resume for a bookkeeping/admin assit. job today. Part time and local, so it's perfect. I just need a change. When I had a desk job and was losing weight, it kind of just came naturally. I packed healthy food. I went to the gym after work. Now, I have access to all my food all the time. I have to bring Pepper if I want to go workout during the day.
Anyway, clearly something needs to change. Food journaling, for one. A part-time job that gets me out of the house! I have a race in August that I'd love to lose 10lbs for. And another big race in November - the Spartan Beast. 15 miles, 30 obstacles. I don't want to carry around this extra weight like I did for the Spartan Sprint, and Super Spartan!
Meal 1:
3 eggs cooked in coconut oil
2 slices bacon
1 starbucks via coffee w/ splash of almond milk
Meal 2:
Banana
Meal 3:
2 bites of PB&J
Salad (mixed greens, cucumber, carrot, croutons, goat cheese)
2 slices hard salami
3 strawberries
2 Andes mints
Tea
Meal 4: (Planned)
Whey
Almonds
Meal 4: (Planned)
100% Beef patty w/ avocado
Asparagus
Tea