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[helloassholes]

I got this from Stasha.

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[anonymous]

i had an abortion 2 years ago. my boyfriend at the time dumped me the week i had the procedure done. two weeks later i started getting anonymous phone calls from people saying things like 'hey, how'd the abortion go?' followed by snickering and laughter, then a hang up. i was devastated and dumbfounded. i had no idea who was responsible.

only my then boyfriend and my two best friends knew. it wasn't so much that i regretted the decision. if i got pregnant this week, i would definitely abort as it is my right to. i was just so distraught and devastated by the fact that someone out of the three had betrayed my confidence and was engaging me in some sort of cruel psychological warfare. and it worked. i grew severely paranoid. and then i started drinking heavily to the point of poisoning my body.

a year later, when i'd thought that was all over and i was ready to move on, myself and everyone on my myspace friend's list received a friend request from '(my name)'s aborted fetus' with my picture in the about me section, 'my selfish mommy' written underneath. something inside me just snapped in two again. i stayed in bed for weeks. i flunked that semester in school. i fell asleep at bars where i could be found drinking alone.

that whole experience killed a huge part of me. huge. and i keep hoping that as time goes by i'll be able to get it back but it's completely gone. i don't trust anyone, i don't love anyone, i have little respect for myself as a person. and everytime i go to sleep at night, i smile at the thought that i could possibly not wake up the next morning. and i'd be fine with that. because all that pain and insecurity has been silently dictating my life. behind every bad, impulsive or self-destructive decision i've made is a memory of betrayal and heartache.