...and we're back to me complaining... haha
I am writing this as on officially defeated mother. I concede. They beat me. I give up.
Who do I talk to about sending these kids back to God?
Mark is NEVER allowed to come home and complain to me that hes had a "rough day" at work until he has to clean floating human excrement off a flooded bathroom floor (which was covered in his man-hair and filth already) while the two culprits are screaming at the top of their lungs.
I was actually in the middle of an entry about boo-hoo-I-hate-my-life (what else?) when it happened so now I feel double awesome.
Thank god Obama won the election last night because thats pretty much the only good thing Ive got going right now.
We are so incredibly poor as fuck it makes me want to vomit.
Im typing this from marks computer because I had to sell mine in order to pay bills. Yes, my baby is gone.
And for what? We are overdrawn in both our bank accounts, our bills are sky high, and Im working X amount of hours a week at a shitty job for less than 8 dollars an hour.
The worst part- I found a job a Kendall college that would be full time- $30k a year. We could put the kids in daycare for 19 grand/year which after taxes would leave us with $6.6k of income for me (the same as I would make working 20 hours a week at my current job). PLUS I would get to go to the only REAL art school in michigan for FREE. Mark doesnt shoot the idea down- but brushes it away like its completely stupid or unrealistic. He has no interest in persuing anything more than what we have right now. I think he would be content living in a town we hate, 100 miles away from family and friends, working a job he hates and me working a supershitty job I hate struggling to keep our heads above water forever.
I cant do that!! I really had high hopes when I was pregnant with Brody to be the mother of the year, and to spend all my time and energy and life raising my children- but after two and a half years it has become apparent that I cannot do that. I NEED a career. I fucking HATE watching all my friends graduate and move on to sweet careers while Im fucking sitting home all day with two kids and renting movies along side high schoolers at night. Some women were BORN to be caretakers. I am not one of them. I honestly and truly thought I was, but Im not. It takes all my energy to not completely shut down sometimes.
Bleh. Ive never been one to bitch about something and not do anything about it. I want to go back to school. I want to be successful and do more in life than clean up poop and work lame-ass jobs while my husband has a super awesome bread-winning career.
* ETA: after I reread this I realized I may have portrayed mark in a negative light. Hes not perfect by any means, but for everything I write here theres a metric ton of crap that I leave out. Most unwritten blog entries would contain volumes about how amazing he is and how many of my shenanigans he deals with... Just remember that when Im villify-ing him.
Mark always criticizes me for writing in livejournal and asks what good it does.
After rereading my bullshit whining entry I have come to the conclusion that the "good it does" is to help me organize my thoughts and see them in front of me to get a better perspective.
I have. And Ive made up my mind. I dont give a shit who supports me Im really going to try and get a full time job and to go back to school and to not spend every waking moment with my kids going crazy. Its going to be insanely hard, especially with our atrocious credit and the fact that no lender will touch me with a ten foot pole, but Im totally going to make it work.
Yay faux enthusiasm!