Jun 10, 2005 15:07
It's all over, no more chances, my first love will never love me back. I saw him for the first actual time last night and we went to dinner at my friend Chuck's restaraunt. Well he decides to tell me that after like two months or so of saying he loved me and could even see us married, that he has realized he doesn't love me that way. He just loves me a lot as a friend. Well the deal was this would be his 3rd try and if he hurt me again it was his third strike and he would be theoretically out. Of all places to choose to do it, he had to choose Chuck's restaraunt?! Hello,I couldn't make a scene #1 it's an asian restaraunt (and having a mom who is half indian, you learn codes of conduct in that culture) #2 it was my friend's restaraunt, I couldnt make a scene for that reason alone. There I am, unable to eat without feeling severely nautious, the whole world felt like it was moving in slow motion. Now I really understand scenes in the movies where someone feels utterly helpess and the world moves like that from their perspective. All of my securities that I had built about how it would be great this time around shattered into microscopic pieces, too small to ever try to put back together. I could barely look at him without wanting to collapse in tears. He got the idea that I was not going to eat anymore so we got two to-go boxes. Chuck, having no idea what was going on, let us have the meal for free. I wish he had made the bastard pay at least half. URGH, poor Chuck thought I was upset with him when he came over and was looking at me all funny and I shot him this pained petrified expression. Currently, I want him dead, so he can't ever hurt anyone else like he has hurt me, Im so damaged now. I already had my own damn problems and he just throws this one at me like "eh, she will be just fine." On the ride home he kept talking about how he wanted me to stay his friend because I am one of his three best friends and he didn't know what he would do without me. I just could barely talk, he had to turn off the music so that he could hear me when I did speak. I wish the music had still been on so I would still have had something to focus in on. He lowered his voice at certain points as if that would make me change my mind about being his friend. I just felt like opening my door and throwing myself outta the vehicle. I had nothing, or I thought I didn't, it felt like my only spark was extinguished. I know I will go on, I have to, but its one dream that has officially died. Trudging forward through this summer is my goal. I have my friends and I have my dad and step-family. The only way he and I could ever be friends again is if I am able to get rid of my feelings of love for him, which will take me seriously falling hard for someone else and it be a reciprocated feeling on that person's side. I am not stupid enough after this to love someone who can't ever love me the way I love them. I just wish my 4 years could be given back to me, all those tears and wasted efforts...Oh well, I may have moments where I get upset about it all still because its going to be tough to get over. 4 years is a long time, I have hope that I can do it, because what is the use of loving someone you can never have. I don't even understand why I love him, he's mean, selfish, non-appreciative. The only break my heart got was half of last summer and through october. We all know that didnt last though. It helped me grow though and I am so thankful for that. It showed me there was love and happiness to be had. If you're reading this, thank you Caleb. You don't have to believe me, but I wouldn't take back the moments we had. Anyways, everything ends for a reason, if I am meant to find my one true love and all that, I will. I just hope I don't have to wait till Im much older. Ok, sorry for the one continuous paragraph entry. Please look after yourselves carefully so you never have to feel like I do.
Love,
Lila