For Sheppsboy: Donutocalypse
This is for sheppsboy who requested: donuts cause the zombie apocalypse. Sort of "Beer Bad".
Well, I tried. I don't know if I quite got it. Here you go, friends, time for:
Donutocalypse
No one should have been surprised that Xander was the first to notice to donut apocalypse.
He came into the magic box, eyes wide. “Guys. Guys. The donut shop.”
“Out of raspberry cream, were they?” Spike smirked.
“Zombies. Zombies eating donuts.”
Willow scrunched up her face. “Like, living-dead zombies?”
Xander nodded. “The full Romero. We gotta get out there and do something.”
Spike leaned back against the bookcase. “Pity I’m flammable at this time of day, or I’d be all about the civic assistance.”
“If you ate donuts instead of people, you might care a little more,” Buffy said. She stood and stretched. “Zombies? I think I remember this one. We need a cricket bat or a shotgun.”
“Wait.” Willow stood. “What if they’re nice, normal people inside? What if we can save them? You don’t want to be all ‘blam your head is gone’ and find out you killed the shop teacher.”
Buffy groaned. “There’s more than one type of zombie? Are you sure?”
“Well, we may have to, you know,” Willow picked up the book on the table in front of her. “Research.” She smiled.
Buffy slumped in her chair. “Can I do the kind of research that involves shopping for a cricket bat?”
Spike peeled himself away from the wall. “Come with me, Slayer. We’ll rough up some lowlifes and see if anyone’s heard anything.”
Buffy perked up. “That sounds… very much not like schoolwork. I’m on it.”
Xander looked from Buffy to Spike to Willow, still standing where he’d stopped to alert them all of the catastrophe. “None of these plans get us donuts. I mean, in the reasonable future. I was sort of hoping for a donut sortie. Maybe with a Roman shield wall or something.”
“Sorry,” Buffy said, shrugging on her jacket. “I have lowlifes to beat.”
“And… research.” Willow sat back down. “Oh! I could research a spell to make donuts?”
“NO,” Buffy said. She held out a hand. “Concentrate on types of zombies. Remember your cupcake spell last summer?”
“It was a frosting spell, and it was only the portions that were off. I thought an ‘ell’ was an inch. Turns out, more like a yard.”
“Well, I just don’t want anything we have to wash out of the carpets. Anya would kill us all.”
“Yeah, better not,” Xander said. “It’s not any good if they aren’t jelly donuts. And magic jelly? Even I’m getting the heebies.”
“This conversation is rotting my brain.” Spike turned on his heel and disappeared down the back stairs.
Buffy paused. “Spike and I beating up lowlifes doesn’t mean we have to do it together.”
Spike poked his head back in. “I need you in case there are humans.”
“I’m not beating up humans!”
Spike smiled. “Promises.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, and then followed Spike down the stairs.
Xander knocked his fists together. “So what do I do?”
“Grab a book. Anya and Tara should be here soon.”
Xander sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that. Why is there never a book called ‘everything you need to know just now?’”
“Well, maybe you can describe the zombies?”
“They were deathly pale, drooling, and shoving everything with sugar on it in their mouths.”
“Xander, that just sounds like the breakfast rush.”
“Their eyes were all white - no pupil.”
“Okay… less normal. Let’s see what the Bestiary Inprobibum has on white eyes.”
***
“Stop that.”
Spike leaned back and looked at her through lowered lashes. “Stop what?” he purred.
“You know.”
“Hrm… not if you don’t tell me.” His lips ghosted over her ear and then dropped back down and he started doing precisely what she wanted him to stop. Again.
Buffy’s toes curled in her shoes and she wrapped her legs tighter around his hips as he nibbled her neck and chuckled - he chuckled right against the goose bumps he was causing, the evil vampire. Evil, hot, making her forget they were… there was something they were supposed to be doing before the tingles and the friction and…
Buffy slid her fingers up under the hard shell of product in Spike’s hair - his hair was silky underneath and she grabbed it, pulling him off of her. “I SAID,” she kissed him. “Stop that.”
And kissed him again. And he opened his mouth against hers and… this wasn’t going according to plan at all. How did an evil blood-sucking fiend have such a tasty mouth?
The door above them crashed open and Willow scrambled down the steps. Xander slammed the door shut and leaned against it. “Find something to brace this!”
Buffy found herself unceremoniously dropped on her butt as Spike quickly turned to face them. “Oh. HI. We just, uh, got back. Didn’t find any nasties to beat up. Slow day in the sewers.”
Buffy kicked Spike in the butt, but he didn’t shut up, or turn around to help her up.
Willow, thankfully, was too busy running back up the stairs with a mop, which she and Xander then tried to prop against the door, which was shaking and groaning as something tried to push its way in.
Xander leaned his back against the door and looked down the steps at them. “What? You guys never LEFT? Help us!”
“Uh… about that,” Spike began.
Buffy shoved her way past him before he could dig more holes with his mouth. (Lucky holes, she immediately thought, and had to mentally shush herself.) “What’s on the other side of door number one?”
“Zombies!” Willow said. She ran to get the broom to add it to the mop. “Donut shop zombies.”
“So much for the research plan,” Spike said, cracking his knuckles. He mounted the stairs.
“No!” Willow put a hand on his chest, stopping him. “People, remember? We have to change them back, not kill them.”
Spike’s shoulders slumped. Willow hurried back up the stairs with the broom. “You’re taking all the fun out of zombies!”
“I propose retreat,” Buffy said. “Oh look - a sewer access! That we were TOTALLY just in. Come on.”
***
From the alleyway next to the Espresso Pump, Buffy, Xander, Willow and Spike could see the milling throng of zombies in Amy Joy’s Donuts across the street. It was clear the zombies were coming from there, or congregating.
“Didn’t know zombies had a thing for pastry,” Spike said, lighting up a cigarette.
Buffy plucked the cigarette from his mouth. “No smoking on stake outs.”
“Come on, it’s daylight. I stay here and smoke, or I go out there and smoke.”
Willow frowned. “I think that they’re turning IN to zombies when they eat the donuts. Look!”
A bleary-eyed man in hospital scrubs pushed his way through the ravening zombies, half awake and not paying attention. His eyes opened when he say the nearly-full box of glazed donuts a zombie had dropped. He picked one up and bit into it. His eyes opened wider, and the pupils clouded.
“Huh,” Xander said. “That’s weird.”
“Wait.” Buffy looked at Xander. “You didn’t touch any donuts in the shop?”
“Of course I did. I had a jelly and a chocolate cake.”
Everyone turned to look at Xander then. He held up his arms. “I’m not a zombie!”
Buffy peered at his face. “That much is clear. Do you remember eating the donuts?”
“I remember EVERY donut I eat.”
“Then what happened?”
He frowned. “I… I’m not sure. It gets a little blurry. The next thing I knew, I’d burned my tongue on my coffee.” He brightened up. “That’s when I noticed the zombies and came to the Magic Box!”
“Zombie looking!” Willow jumped back, pulling the rest of them.
Buffy was looking at Xander’s shirt, where a faint coffee stain could be seen on the dark material. “I think we have to serve them coffee.”
***
“All right! Step right up. Get it while it’s hot you ravening wankers.” Spike wandered through the donut shop with a tray of coffee-of-the-day from Espresso Pump in the smallest to-go cups they could buy. His casual interpretation of “handing” coffee often more resembled flinging it in their faces, but the zombies were slowly dropping down, their eyes clearing, coming to their senses.
Outside, Anya walked around with slips of paper. “Hi? Hi. You were a zombie for about an hour? Here’s a list of damages from my shop that you owe me for. Thank you!”
Xander stood alone, forlorn, in the center of the street, where they had piled up all that days’ donuts and set them on fire. The sugar burned bright, and the jelly oozed and blackened before his eyes.
Buffy put her arm around his shoulders. “I know. Hard to watch. Willow found some weird powder in a sack in the kitchen. We’re thinking donut shop employee with a vendetta does some amateur spell-baking. Don’t worry. Should be back to normal tomorrow.”
A whole day. Without donuts. Xander sighed. Buffy gave him a hug.
He just had to change the subject. Get back to normal. He smiled at his good friend. “So what were you and Spike doing in the basement?”
“Oh! Gotta go help Anya clean up!”
Xander sighed, left alone again to mourn the day’s baking.
The End
Well, I tried. I don't know if I quite got it. Here you go, friends, time for:
Donutocalypse
No one should have been surprised that Xander was the first to notice to donut apocalypse.
He came into the magic box, eyes wide. “Guys. Guys. The donut shop.”
“Out of raspberry cream, were they?” Spike smirked.
“Zombies. Zombies eating donuts.”
Willow scrunched up her face. “Like, living-dead zombies?”
Xander nodded. “The full Romero. We gotta get out there and do something.”
Spike leaned back against the bookcase. “Pity I’m flammable at this time of day, or I’d be all about the civic assistance.”
“If you ate donuts instead of people, you might care a little more,” Buffy said. She stood and stretched. “Zombies? I think I remember this one. We need a cricket bat or a shotgun.”
“Wait.” Willow stood. “What if they’re nice, normal people inside? What if we can save them? You don’t want to be all ‘blam your head is gone’ and find out you killed the shop teacher.”
Buffy groaned. “There’s more than one type of zombie? Are you sure?”
“Well, we may have to, you know,” Willow picked up the book on the table in front of her. “Research.” She smiled.
Buffy slumped in her chair. “Can I do the kind of research that involves shopping for a cricket bat?”
Spike peeled himself away from the wall. “Come with me, Slayer. We’ll rough up some lowlifes and see if anyone’s heard anything.”
Buffy perked up. “That sounds… very much not like schoolwork. I’m on it.”
Xander looked from Buffy to Spike to Willow, still standing where he’d stopped to alert them all of the catastrophe. “None of these plans get us donuts. I mean, in the reasonable future. I was sort of hoping for a donut sortie. Maybe with a Roman shield wall or something.”
“Sorry,” Buffy said, shrugging on her jacket. “I have lowlifes to beat.”
“And… research.” Willow sat back down. “Oh! I could research a spell to make donuts?”
“NO,” Buffy said. She held out a hand. “Concentrate on types of zombies. Remember your cupcake spell last summer?”
“It was a frosting spell, and it was only the portions that were off. I thought an ‘ell’ was an inch. Turns out, more like a yard.”
“Well, I just don’t want anything we have to wash out of the carpets. Anya would kill us all.”
“Yeah, better not,” Xander said. “It’s not any good if they aren’t jelly donuts. And magic jelly? Even I’m getting the heebies.”
“This conversation is rotting my brain.” Spike turned on his heel and disappeared down the back stairs.
Buffy paused. “Spike and I beating up lowlifes doesn’t mean we have to do it together.”
Spike poked his head back in. “I need you in case there are humans.”
“I’m not beating up humans!”
Spike smiled. “Promises.”
Buffy rolled her eyes, and then followed Spike down the stairs.
Xander knocked his fists together. “So what do I do?”
“Grab a book. Anya and Tara should be here soon.”
Xander sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that. Why is there never a book called ‘everything you need to know just now?’”
“Well, maybe you can describe the zombies?”
“They were deathly pale, drooling, and shoving everything with sugar on it in their mouths.”
“Xander, that just sounds like the breakfast rush.”
“Their eyes were all white - no pupil.”
“Okay… less normal. Let’s see what the Bestiary Inprobibum has on white eyes.”
***
“Stop that.”
Spike leaned back and looked at her through lowered lashes. “Stop what?” he purred.
“You know.”
“Hrm… not if you don’t tell me.” His lips ghosted over her ear and then dropped back down and he started doing precisely what she wanted him to stop. Again.
Buffy’s toes curled in her shoes and she wrapped her legs tighter around his hips as he nibbled her neck and chuckled - he chuckled right against the goose bumps he was causing, the evil vampire. Evil, hot, making her forget they were… there was something they were supposed to be doing before the tingles and the friction and…
Buffy slid her fingers up under the hard shell of product in Spike’s hair - his hair was silky underneath and she grabbed it, pulling him off of her. “I SAID,” she kissed him. “Stop that.”
And kissed him again. And he opened his mouth against hers and… this wasn’t going according to plan at all. How did an evil blood-sucking fiend have such a tasty mouth?
The door above them crashed open and Willow scrambled down the steps. Xander slammed the door shut and leaned against it. “Find something to brace this!”
Buffy found herself unceremoniously dropped on her butt as Spike quickly turned to face them. “Oh. HI. We just, uh, got back. Didn’t find any nasties to beat up. Slow day in the sewers.”
Buffy kicked Spike in the butt, but he didn’t shut up, or turn around to help her up.
Willow, thankfully, was too busy running back up the stairs with a mop, which she and Xander then tried to prop against the door, which was shaking and groaning as something tried to push its way in.
Xander leaned his back against the door and looked down the steps at them. “What? You guys never LEFT? Help us!”
“Uh… about that,” Spike began.
Buffy shoved her way past him before he could dig more holes with his mouth. (Lucky holes, she immediately thought, and had to mentally shush herself.) “What’s on the other side of door number one?”
“Zombies!” Willow said. She ran to get the broom to add it to the mop. “Donut shop zombies.”
“So much for the research plan,” Spike said, cracking his knuckles. He mounted the stairs.
“No!” Willow put a hand on his chest, stopping him. “People, remember? We have to change them back, not kill them.”
Spike’s shoulders slumped. Willow hurried back up the stairs with the broom. “You’re taking all the fun out of zombies!”
“I propose retreat,” Buffy said. “Oh look - a sewer access! That we were TOTALLY just in. Come on.”
***
From the alleyway next to the Espresso Pump, Buffy, Xander, Willow and Spike could see the milling throng of zombies in Amy Joy’s Donuts across the street. It was clear the zombies were coming from there, or congregating.
“Didn’t know zombies had a thing for pastry,” Spike said, lighting up a cigarette.
Buffy plucked the cigarette from his mouth. “No smoking on stake outs.”
“Come on, it’s daylight. I stay here and smoke, or I go out there and smoke.”
Willow frowned. “I think that they’re turning IN to zombies when they eat the donuts. Look!”
A bleary-eyed man in hospital scrubs pushed his way through the ravening zombies, half awake and not paying attention. His eyes opened when he say the nearly-full box of glazed donuts a zombie had dropped. He picked one up and bit into it. His eyes opened wider, and the pupils clouded.
“Huh,” Xander said. “That’s weird.”
“Wait.” Buffy looked at Xander. “You didn’t touch any donuts in the shop?”
“Of course I did. I had a jelly and a chocolate cake.”
Everyone turned to look at Xander then. He held up his arms. “I’m not a zombie!”
Buffy peered at his face. “That much is clear. Do you remember eating the donuts?”
“I remember EVERY donut I eat.”
“Then what happened?”
He frowned. “I… I’m not sure. It gets a little blurry. The next thing I knew, I’d burned my tongue on my coffee.” He brightened up. “That’s when I noticed the zombies and came to the Magic Box!”
“Zombie looking!” Willow jumped back, pulling the rest of them.
Buffy was looking at Xander’s shirt, where a faint coffee stain could be seen on the dark material. “I think we have to serve them coffee.”
***
“All right! Step right up. Get it while it’s hot you ravening wankers.” Spike wandered through the donut shop with a tray of coffee-of-the-day from Espresso Pump in the smallest to-go cups they could buy. His casual interpretation of “handing” coffee often more resembled flinging it in their faces, but the zombies were slowly dropping down, their eyes clearing, coming to their senses.
Outside, Anya walked around with slips of paper. “Hi? Hi. You were a zombie for about an hour? Here’s a list of damages from my shop that you owe me for. Thank you!”
Xander stood alone, forlorn, in the center of the street, where they had piled up all that days’ donuts and set them on fire. The sugar burned bright, and the jelly oozed and blackened before his eyes.
Buffy put her arm around his shoulders. “I know. Hard to watch. Willow found some weird powder in a sack in the kitchen. We’re thinking donut shop employee with a vendetta does some amateur spell-baking. Don’t worry. Should be back to normal tomorrow.”
A whole day. Without donuts. Xander sighed. Buffy gave him a hug.
He just had to change the subject. Get back to normal. He smiled at his good friend. “So what were you and Spike doing in the basement?”
“Oh! Gotta go help Anya clean up!”
Xander sighed, left alone again to mourn the day’s baking.
The End