what do I do wrong?
Ok. So I dont mean for this to be emo or anything, but thoughts just race through my head. Its like a timeline, or a stopwatch, where the seconds race by, and I can't even stop to enjoy the moment, or even reflect to who I am.
If I don't belong here, where do I belong? I was forced out of Romania. I wish I could be there. If thats who I truly am. At least let me see where the fuck I come from. People go there, and it is just not fair. It is me suppose to go there. I have history there. I once had a life there. It was all thrown away, out the door just like that. And I could voice no opinion, nor did I have the chance to even say goodbye. I want to go there, and see my family I once had. The family I have now is no more than broken threads to a string. I am so tired of going back and fourth, treated like a tennis ball in a tennis match thrown around from either component. Mom. or Dad. I have one full of anger towads, the other sympathy. Why can't people just mature, grow up, and do whats right for once?
It pains me to feel like I am not worthy of any family. I lost one family, and the now I have what you called a broken family which might as well not be exsistent at all. I hate feeling forry for myself. And thats not what I am. I am full of anger. Anger for people getting hurt by eachother. people deserve love. Why not let anyone in? You think someone will screw you over? I could ask my father the same question. What went through his head. And why did I have to be caught emotionally in the middle? I don't even know myself who I am these days. I am tired of being what people want me to be. people saying.. "you've changed" or feeling neglected. Which I have felt all my fucking life. I am so tired of that feeling. What does it mean to be happy? What does happiness feel like? What does having a family feel like?
I want to be able to look into someone's eyes and know I come from the same place. Will I ever get that chance? With the luck I have, I will never know who I really am, or who I am suppose to be. Just for once? When will I be good enough? To have people say that they are proud of me, no matter what I do. Or that they will love me, no matter what. Each day passes, I loose more and more hope each day. I lost my family. My passion of gymnastics. And basically all strength in me, more so my leg. I either trust too easily, or don't trust enough. When will I have the right combination of both? It's like a balance of equations. Leg - gymnastics = cripple. Dad leaving + fat-ass Babs evil step-mom = torture. Cheating = the worst thing in the world. Love + Trust = best thing in world. Kathryn + no luck = unhappy forever?
It's so hard to trust when don't even trust yourself. I miss my dad. I miss my mom smiling. I miss gymnastics. I want love more than anything else so I can feel worthy for once, no matter what, I can be assured.
I am a tiny grain of sand, in a world of motion. A single drop of rain in a storm.