well...
yesterday i spent fathers day laying in the grass next to a mound of dirt. they still havent put sod over my dads grave so we put tons of flowers and pictures on it. I think yesterday is when it hit me that EVERY YEAR, i will have to go to the cemetary to wish him a happy birthday, to say happy fathers day, or to say merry christmas. I layed there talking to him, wishing that i could feel him or hear him but all i could hear was myself. i miss my dad more than anyone could ever know. its not like losing an extended family member...as bad as that sounds.. my dad was someone who raised me since i was born. for 18 years he taught me wrong from right and good from bad. i always say, maybe im not supposed to understand why this happened, maybe im supposed to accept it and grow from it. its such a shitty way to have to grow. i would give everything i own to have him back. fuck the cd's, the clothes, the mac...id give it all away just to talk to him ONE last time. just to hear him say "cheeeeb! i love you" fuck, id give everything i own just to hear him yell at me haha. anything is better then the silence i face everyday. So, this is what it comes down to. Cancer is the worst criminal of all. It will take you slowly and ruin everything it comes in contact with. It ruins lives...