Run Away.

[hello__dearest]

I'm not going to lie. I'm avoiding people. This is the first entry I've written since the 4th of July at Rachels house in NH. Basically. All I'm saying is this, I am guilt written. Completely and entirely, dont tell me not to be, because I am. I replay it like a movie, flipping between the script. I am so sorry for everything, how this all turned out. I should've listened to my gut feeling. I should have just stayed. Now the tables have turned and I am left feeling like the culprit. I never wanted this for you, I never wanted you to hurt or be in pain. Please understand that. I can't talk to you without a lump forming in my throat. I can't even see you. I'm just so sorry, I wish there was something I could do or say, but alas, I've tried. Don't think I don't care, or I don't understand, because I do. I have never choosed a side, I've never had to. And I hope you understand when I tell you I love you, because I do, entirely and whole heartedly, but at the same time I want to progress with this, and see where this goes. Please dont be mad at me, I am the happiest I have been in awhile, but I have this guilt weighing on my chest and its driving me wild. Its only a matter of time before the pieces put themselves together. Its only a matter of time before I run away from here again. I am constantly searching for an answer, an outlet, a meaning, to my life. I am looking for that "silver lining" as brian put it. I hope you accept it when I say I want to look for it there. I love you, and I will say it until I am blue in the face my lungs are filled with monoxide, i love you. Dont ever think differently. Please dont take this to heart, please dont be disappointed. Because if you were in my shoes, and you wanted to get away, if you wanted to pursue something, if you wanted to adventure to the unknown, I would let you go without a doubt. Sure, like you, the feeling of betrayal may reside in my heart, but you are my best friend. And no one will ever replace you. I only want makes you happy, and I would expect the same in return from you.

I just want you to know that. I dont want to talk about this anymore.