(no subject)
It seems I'm writing about the same shit at the same time every year. It's a bit different this time around. I don't really know how to process this information into a livejournal. I don't even know why I'm writing in this stupid thing. I don't know where to start. I guess things have been shaky over the past few weeks. I feel like I've been stuck in a cloud, not knowing where I'm going or if I'm going to fall flat on my face. I guess I blame a lot of this on my insecurity, why I act like I do, why I do some of the stupid shit that makes people forget who you really are. Last year at this time I was going through a lot of this but I found someone to cheer me up, to be friends with, to dance in front of. And I fell in love with her. All those months after last Christmas I questioned myself on hanging out with her or if I should be with her. I couldn't resist. She was absolutely perfect in everyway. She changed my life. She honestly and whole-heartedly changed my life. I've never been with someone who could have so much fun and make people so happy in a single minute. She was the only thing I was sure about in my life and she still was a month ago. I guess I have so much anger, or hate, that I need to explain myself. I don't have the same people to fall back on as I did last year. It's hard for them to trust me, and I completely understand that. I found something that was worth losing those friends. It'll never be the same as it was. Never. I guess in truth, we make better friends then boyfriend and girlfriend. I wish things could be as perfect as they were. There's never been a time in my life that relates to the period of time between last Christmas and this Thanksgiving. It sounds like a whole lot of bullshit and self-pity, but it's not. It's real. It's real life. All of it is. Shit happens and you have to take it and move on. I wish there was something I could do to make myself less insecure, less worrisome about shit, but I guess I care too much about people. I care too much about myself, about letting myself get hurt. I trusted her with my life and I still do. But I continue to say and act with little care to other people's emotions. I love her. I fucking love her with all my heart. I'd give her the world. There's little I can do now. I guess I have to go out and hangout with people and enjoy what I can of winter break because sitting in my room pondering on what she is doing every second of the day won't help much. I can't say enough about how much she has influenced my life, how much she has changed my life, how happy she made me. But for now, I guess it's time to prove to myself that I can get through this and hopefully things can resume with her in the future and everything will be great. That's all I can really hope for.