This is not my beautiful house.
Car is still in the shop, although they haven't started working on it yet. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to find $1000.
In the meantime, I've been crashing at Billy's and Russ', since their place is on the bus route. I tried fixing my bicycle, but that back tire stubbornly remains flat, despite the new inner tube, and the fancy pump attachment. So biking from home is not an option.
I don't know how I feel about crashing here. It's been very obvious that Russ isn't happy with the arrangement, and reluctantly lets me stay because he has to.
We haven't been so solid lately either. In fact, we broke up for two days last week. He changed his mind, obviously, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with how he feels about all this. I think (hope) that things will smooth over once I'm not constantly around.
But in the meanwhile, I'm really glad that I'm here, with a house full of people, because I'm really scared to be alone for too long. I've been stressed and overwhelmed and depressed, and overall I'm not in a good place at all. It really doesn't help that I'm staying with a boyfriend who doesn't love me and doesn't want me here, but I know it's better than being at home in my empty apartment.
Once I get my car fixed, assuming I can find the means, I plan to do some job hunting... this will be job #3, after Providence and Cholla, and hopefully this will tide me over at least until I get caught up on bills. And it will be something to do to keep me busy. I think that might be what I need.
I'm trying to keep an open mind about this night job, but it's difficult because I have this mindset that college grads are "above" part-time paid-by-the-hour jobs... ya know? You'd think that my career job would suffice financially. I guess I underestimated the importance of income when I chose health ed as a major.
I really don't know where my life is going, what my goals are for the future (near or far), or what to do. I love my job, but everyone is telling me that I really need to find another - one that pays the bills. I just don't know. I'll try a night job for a while and see if the long days are worth it.
I'm really not okay, and it's scaring me. I've always been able to see past obstacles and get on with my life, but lately I just don't know where to begin. Okay, well I do. I just feel so overwhelmed and hopeless that I haven't been as efficient as I could be. Because there's always something. I was having major financial issues before my car pooped out, and I feel like this is God's way of slapping me in the face and saying "you fucked up your life, and now you deserve to suffer." I just wish someone would tell me it's alright, and give me an easy solution to all of this. And a hug. I've felt so alone, despite all the people around.
And I wish I could stop crying. If I even think about all this, my eyes start to water up. I even cried at Costco today because Russ asked me about my bank account.
I want to be okay again. I'm not even hoping for happy, I just want okay.
The weight of the world falls down on me...
In the meantime, I've been crashing at Billy's and Russ', since their place is on the bus route. I tried fixing my bicycle, but that back tire stubbornly remains flat, despite the new inner tube, and the fancy pump attachment. So biking from home is not an option.
I don't know how I feel about crashing here. It's been very obvious that Russ isn't happy with the arrangement, and reluctantly lets me stay because he has to.
We haven't been so solid lately either. In fact, we broke up for two days last week. He changed his mind, obviously, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with how he feels about all this. I think (hope) that things will smooth over once I'm not constantly around.
But in the meanwhile, I'm really glad that I'm here, with a house full of people, because I'm really scared to be alone for too long. I've been stressed and overwhelmed and depressed, and overall I'm not in a good place at all. It really doesn't help that I'm staying with a boyfriend who doesn't love me and doesn't want me here, but I know it's better than being at home in my empty apartment.
Once I get my car fixed, assuming I can find the means, I plan to do some job hunting... this will be job #3, after Providence and Cholla, and hopefully this will tide me over at least until I get caught up on bills. And it will be something to do to keep me busy. I think that might be what I need.
I'm trying to keep an open mind about this night job, but it's difficult because I have this mindset that college grads are "above" part-time paid-by-the-hour jobs... ya know? You'd think that my career job would suffice financially. I guess I underestimated the importance of income when I chose health ed as a major.
I really don't know where my life is going, what my goals are for the future (near or far), or what to do. I love my job, but everyone is telling me that I really need to find another - one that pays the bills. I just don't know. I'll try a night job for a while and see if the long days are worth it.
I'm really not okay, and it's scaring me. I've always been able to see past obstacles and get on with my life, but lately I just don't know where to begin. Okay, well I do. I just feel so overwhelmed and hopeless that I haven't been as efficient as I could be. Because there's always something. I was having major financial issues before my car pooped out, and I feel like this is God's way of slapping me in the face and saying "you fucked up your life, and now you deserve to suffer." I just wish someone would tell me it's alright, and give me an easy solution to all of this. And a hug. I've felt so alone, despite all the people around.
And I wish I could stop crying. If I even think about all this, my eyes start to water up. I even cried at Costco today because Russ asked me about my bank account.
I want to be okay again. I'm not even hoping for happy, I just want okay.
The weight of the world falls down on me...