29.
I’m so frustrated.
I’m so homesick.
The mere forecast of having snow today got me so excited I could barely sleep, and upon waking and finding out that there wasn’t even an increment of precipitation made me want to cry.
I’m so behind myself. My body’s waiting for Thanksgiving and starving for Christmas. I’m so confused without the real embodiment of season changes. It should be in the single-digits right now, with snow all over the place, with the gross mixture of sand, salt, and snow covering the sides of the streets. Neighbors walking behind snow blowers as little flakes of white drift down from the heavens. When I walk outside I should feel a real chill run down my back, my cheeks should be turning red and my nose should start running. I should get that feeling of completion, that the final season came to give way into the next. Into the rebirth of life. To give away to spring.
I miss the smell of pine. I miss the constant roar of the river behind the house. I miss the trails I used to walk along for comfort and familiarity. I miss the freedom and the wilderness. The beauty and the simplicity. I want to go back home. This place isn’t right for me. It’s the worst state in the world. People are stuck up, no one knows how to drive, the general populous are idiots with “Texas Pride”, where there really isn’t any pride to be had. I feel myself growing more and more dumb as time passes. The classes here are so easy. I’m learning about basic aspects of biology in my Biology course that I learned back in, what? Eighth grade? And this is a college level?
These writing assignments are ridiculously easy. I can bull shit it all in a matter of a few minutes and hand it in for an A.
Where’s the drive?
Where’s the challenge?
The only challenge this stupid place gives me is the challenge of forcing myself to want to live.
I’m so sick of the lies, too.
Texas brought me a variety of things, mostly anger and depression mixed with feelings of isolation and powerlessness.
Texas brought me Mary.
And Mary is the one thing that can piss me off beyond all belief.
Text message from Mary Guillermo:
“Kita, I know you’re extremely busy and everything but I have no where else and no one else to help me. My friend just attempted suicide, and I’m doing all I can to help him, but he was supposed to help me with the extra boxes and since he can’t I have no place to put them. I really don’t want to bother you, but I need you to take these boxes and keep them, and yeah that means you need to come here to get them.”
My reply:
“Isn’t there anyway you can get a cab and rent a storage unit?”
Mary’s reply:
“I honestly don’t have the money right now for those things. I bought luggage and items for deploying, and I’m nearly broke right now.”
I just checked her bank account to see if she’s lying to me. Mind you, she lives in the barracks with the only payments she really have are her cell phone bill and small payments on her loans every month. Her current available balance is $1,370.10 where as a storage unit in Killeen, TX is anywhere between $35 and $90. And a taxi wouldn’t cost her more than $30 there and back.
I’m sorry. I just think everything is a massive pile of bull shit. And I’m tired of it.
I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of people thinking that I don't know when they're not being honest. I do know, I can feel it. I'm more perceptive than I'm given credit for.
I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon, hopefully something can be done about my anger and my depression. Maybe even something can be done about my sleep.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
Ugh. Screw it.
I’m done for today.
Homework and maybe something to game with, before bed.
Good night n’ such.
I’m so homesick.
The mere forecast of having snow today got me so excited I could barely sleep, and upon waking and finding out that there wasn’t even an increment of precipitation made me want to cry.
I’m so behind myself. My body’s waiting for Thanksgiving and starving for Christmas. I’m so confused without the real embodiment of season changes. It should be in the single-digits right now, with snow all over the place, with the gross mixture of sand, salt, and snow covering the sides of the streets. Neighbors walking behind snow blowers as little flakes of white drift down from the heavens. When I walk outside I should feel a real chill run down my back, my cheeks should be turning red and my nose should start running. I should get that feeling of completion, that the final season came to give way into the next. Into the rebirth of life. To give away to spring.
I miss the smell of pine. I miss the constant roar of the river behind the house. I miss the trails I used to walk along for comfort and familiarity. I miss the freedom and the wilderness. The beauty and the simplicity. I want to go back home. This place isn’t right for me. It’s the worst state in the world. People are stuck up, no one knows how to drive, the general populous are idiots with “Texas Pride”, where there really isn’t any pride to be had. I feel myself growing more and more dumb as time passes. The classes here are so easy. I’m learning about basic aspects of biology in my Biology course that I learned back in, what? Eighth grade? And this is a college level?
These writing assignments are ridiculously easy. I can bull shit it all in a matter of a few minutes and hand it in for an A.
Where’s the drive?
Where’s the challenge?
The only challenge this stupid place gives me is the challenge of forcing myself to want to live.
I’m so sick of the lies, too.
Texas brought me a variety of things, mostly anger and depression mixed with feelings of isolation and powerlessness.
Texas brought me Mary.
And Mary is the one thing that can piss me off beyond all belief.
Text message from Mary Guillermo:
“Kita, I know you’re extremely busy and everything but I have no where else and no one else to help me. My friend just attempted suicide, and I’m doing all I can to help him, but he was supposed to help me with the extra boxes and since he can’t I have no place to put them. I really don’t want to bother you, but I need you to take these boxes and keep them, and yeah that means you need to come here to get them.”
My reply:
“Isn’t there anyway you can get a cab and rent a storage unit?”
Mary’s reply:
“I honestly don’t have the money right now for those things. I bought luggage and items for deploying, and I’m nearly broke right now.”
I just checked her bank account to see if she’s lying to me. Mind you, she lives in the barracks with the only payments she really have are her cell phone bill and small payments on her loans every month. Her current available balance is $1,370.10 where as a storage unit in Killeen, TX is anywhere between $35 and $90. And a taxi wouldn’t cost her more than $30 there and back.
I’m sorry. I just think everything is a massive pile of bull shit. And I’m tired of it.
I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of people thinking that I don't know when they're not being honest. I do know, I can feel it. I'm more perceptive than I'm given credit for.
I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon, hopefully something can be done about my anger and my depression. Maybe even something can be done about my sleep.
I don’t know.
I don’t care.
Ugh. Screw it.
I’m done for today.
Homework and maybe something to game with, before bed.
Good night n’ such.