[FIC] Bitter End
Title: Bitter End
Author: Hellfire_angel
Pairing: 1+2
Genre: Angst, Drama, Sap
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Language
Summary: While trying to figure out where he stands in the relationship, Duo must make a choice of giving up one the thing to keep another. Or so he thinks.
xoxoxox
'Everybody does it!' That's the saying any way. Why wait until you find “the one” for you? You'll never find him any way.
Or is it just what the television commercials tell us to get us to buy their condoms and lube and then announce a bunch of symptoms that can occur with its use. Maybe I'm just different.
Hell! I know I am. I guess I must be and I have already missed my chance during my teens due to a stupid war that dragged me and four other guys like me into it.
Figures.
Maybe if I lived out my life had a normal childhood to start with I wouldn't be so confused now. I would be able to be a normal adult now, but maybe I'm just kidding myself into believing I've grown up. Perhaps I wouldn't be so afraid at every glance and touch then. That's a bitter thought. That's the way I feel though. It never helps when you're dating a guy you love to pieces and yet you're afraid to get closer to him for the fear of him wanting more that I'm willing to give.
Funny thing is, Heero and I don't keep secrets from one another, at least not on the surface. We're partners at work, friends everywhere else and soul mates with deeper feelings the rest of the time. I can't say we're lovers. Heck, I can barely let Heero kiss me without freaking out. He's been so patient with me, probably thinking I don't know what I want, and so he steps back whenever I panic and he thinks he's stepped over the line.
But the problem isn't him! Not at all. It's me!
He's ready to move to that next level that's waiting for him. I'm just holding him back! I want to move to that next level with him, but I can't. Every time we're together things just feel so right and they're just perfect until I try to get closer and Heero takes it as a go ahead and do what couples do next. Yet, we haven't.
Why not?
Because Duo Maxwell is scared shitless of physical intimacy. There! I've said it. I'm scared. There isn't a good reason to be either. I've never been molested or raped or sexually assaulted, or whatever other term you can apply there. Nor am I afraid of Heero. He would never hurt me that way. If we're sparring sure, he's going to hurt me if I'm not paying attention, but to do those acts to me it would never cross his mind. He's mostly just waiting for me to be ready although, I don't think I'll ever be truly ready.
Just the thought alone paralyzes me, and just thinking about it makes me think about how I'm letting Heero down. I love him so much that it kills me to make him suffer because I can't put out.
Am I disgusted with myself?
Sometimes I am. But then there is also a part of me saying that Heero doesn't mind because he loves me just as much. He accepts who I am and doesn't try to hurry me me the hell up and just take it like a man. We've attempted it once before. We were both stripped out of all our clothes and Heero was making me feel so warm and loved as he kissed me, but when he started to back off and begin to prepare me I freaked. I couldn't breathe and I curled myself up into a tight ball and cried my eyes out. Heero tried to help me, but every time he touched me, I flinched and then he knew he was the cause of my panic attack, so he ran. Ran away from me because I started bawling my eyes out and tried to get some distance between us. I didn't calm down until he had his clothes back on and was out the door.
I remember thinking he wouldn't be coming back. I had teased him and he thought I was ready then freaked. He probably didn't want to see me again and he was better off too. Who wants to be with someone they can barely touch? I think I feel asleep after while because it was morning way too soon and the light stung my eyes. But Heero was back, still in the clothes he wore the night before, but he was back. He sat on the edge of my bed and I trembled as I reached out to touch his face. He smiled that secret smile of his and asked if he could hold me. I cried as I jumped into his arms. He held me as I wept and apologized over and over. He listened and rocked me as I told him of my fears and then listened as he told me it wasn't my fault. I felt like the biggest loser ever, even though Heero just kissed my forehead and told me that we just needed more time. I asked him if he would be willing to wait that long and he just gave me a patient look as he sighed and told me that he said 'we' needed more time not just the baka.
I'll always remember the look he gave me after that though. It was like his scowl only it was full of his love for me, and none of the anger I thought his eyes would have. He told me then that he wouldn't be waiting for when I got over my fears. He would wait for me to just be ready to trust him and just be with him always. There was no way I would ever again doubt Heero's love for me ever again. Getting over my fear and letting my trust and faith in Heero guide me on the other had, I had lots of doubts about.
Today was our two year anniversary since we started dating. Heero hasn't pushed me to have sex with him either, although I've tried pushing myself instead. Dildos, vibrators, lube, and other things that are hidden away in all corners of my room. I've tried to use them on myself but so far the only thing that has the seal broken is the lube. I used it a could of times when I masturbated. Hey! I'm still a guy and I still have the urges of one, except when it comes to having sex. Just looking at the items I bought makes me panic and yet, Heero will be coming over in a few hours and I doubt I can convince myself that I can go through with what I'm planning this time. Slowly, I gather them all up and lay them out on the bedside table. I have to face this fear of mine. I just have to.
I'm still scared shitless but I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I don't want to stay a virgin for the rest of my life. Well, I do, I guess, since I'm so scared of sex, but I want to give it to Heero. I love him too much to keep it from him. So what else can I do?
Heero arrives at seven sharp, looking so sexy and I'm still at odds with myself. He smiles at me as I usher him in and remind myself that it'll be fine, Heero will love me no matter what but I still need and want to give him this.
This part of myself that I have yet to give away and even as we eat the dinner I've prepared and share the bottle of wine to ease my nerves, my stomach is in knots trying to prepare for what I plan to do next. Although, I'm still unsure of whether I can do it or not. Heero must have noticed my tension because he gets up, kisses my cheek, and starts to massage my neck with gentle, strong fingers. No doubt feeling the tightness there.
“Duo, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?”
“I'm fine. Your hands feel great on me. Can you go a bit lower though?” He kisses my neck and I can feel the smirk on his lips and I feel his fingers massage deeply into my shoulders and turn into a happy pile of goo. I must have dozed off right there in my chair, because when I finally wake up I notice that I'm laying on top of Heero on my couch. I smile as a snuggle into his firm, warm chest and feel his strong arms wrapped around my waist, and one hand is gently rubbing my back. I hadn't even noticed when he moved us, which proves my trust in him. His chest rumbles beneath me as he chuckles.
“Have a nice nap?” I pick my head up and grin at him.
“I think you found your new calling, Ro. Massage therapy and a beauty sleep mattress.”
“You're beautiful already, so you can't even say that.” He tells me as his fingers come up to caress my cheek.
I blush at his compliment, and lay my head back down and breathe in his scent. I should probably get up before I crush him, but I'm too comfortable to move. Heero doesn't seem to mind and wraps me up in his arms again then slowly turns my head to face him.
“I saw what was in the bedroom Duo.” I freeze, knowing my intentions have been found out and wondering if he is waiting for me to tell him I've gotten over my fear, which I haven't but maybe I can-
“Whatever your thinking Duo, just stop. Duo, I know you're still scared. Your expression is proving that to me. So why is all that stuff laid out in your room? Were you going to try and go through with it any way?” I nod and turn my face away from him, I can't even look at him. He must think I'm an idiot. “Shh, it's all right. I'm not mad, just confused. Why do all that when you aren't ready?”
“I thought I - I c-could try to give it to you any way, but I guess I've ruined it still.”
“You idiot. You haven't ruined anything. I love you no matter what Duo and if that means we don't have sex, then we won't have sex. Case closed.”
“But Heero, that isn't fair to you!”
“Why not? I love you, you love me and we are in this together for however long this lasts and as far as I'm concerned it's forever. I'm not giving anything up by being with you. I have my best friend at my side and what more could I want?”
“But don't you want to- to, you know?” I ask and gesture penetration with my hands, still unable to say it. He shakes his head and grips my hands with one of his, while the other clutches me close.
“Just being with you is enough for me. If and when you ever want to move on, I'll still be with you. What we have now makes up for anything we don't and makes the time sweeter since we're not just jumping into it blindly. I'd rather just lounge around and cuddle with you than fuck you and make you hate me for doing something you're not ready for. And I know you're not just by seeing how nervous you are.”
“Would you do it with someone else if you had to wait for ten years?” I ask nervously. Those fingers come back to feather over my cheek once again.
“I would wait a hundred years just to be with you. Besides, I'm not in any hurry to have sex for the first time either.” I give him a startled look. He laughs nervously. “You thought I had done it already?”
“I just thought that, you would have done something by now.” He shakes his head and leans in to kiss me gently.
“I was waiting for you. There's no one else I'd rather be with, Duo. The wait isn't all that hard when you get to wait for me as well. Let's wait together for however long it's necessary, but I'm not going anywhere. Are you?”
“No. I'm right where I want to be.” I kissed him then and I wasn't afraid. I had learned I had something to anticipate for in the future. To be joined completely with Heero one day, would be my new goal and not my fear.
As I snuggled back down into his arms and let him hold me as we talked, I learned we had both been hiding more from each other than either of us realized. But now we both had something to look forward to and the ends didn't look so bitter.
End.
Author: Hellfire_angel
Pairing: 1+2
Genre: Angst, Drama, Sap
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Language
Summary: While trying to figure out where he stands in the relationship, Duo must make a choice of giving up one the thing to keep another. Or so he thinks.
xoxoxox
'Everybody does it!' That's the saying any way. Why wait until you find “the one” for you? You'll never find him any way.
Or is it just what the television commercials tell us to get us to buy their condoms and lube and then announce a bunch of symptoms that can occur with its use. Maybe I'm just different.
Hell! I know I am. I guess I must be and I have already missed my chance during my teens due to a stupid war that dragged me and four other guys like me into it.
Figures.
Maybe if I lived out my life had a normal childhood to start with I wouldn't be so confused now. I would be able to be a normal adult now, but maybe I'm just kidding myself into believing I've grown up. Perhaps I wouldn't be so afraid at every glance and touch then. That's a bitter thought. That's the way I feel though. It never helps when you're dating a guy you love to pieces and yet you're afraid to get closer to him for the fear of him wanting more that I'm willing to give.
Funny thing is, Heero and I don't keep secrets from one another, at least not on the surface. We're partners at work, friends everywhere else and soul mates with deeper feelings the rest of the time. I can't say we're lovers. Heck, I can barely let Heero kiss me without freaking out. He's been so patient with me, probably thinking I don't know what I want, and so he steps back whenever I panic and he thinks he's stepped over the line.
But the problem isn't him! Not at all. It's me!
He's ready to move to that next level that's waiting for him. I'm just holding him back! I want to move to that next level with him, but I can't. Every time we're together things just feel so right and they're just perfect until I try to get closer and Heero takes it as a go ahead and do what couples do next. Yet, we haven't.
Why not?
Because Duo Maxwell is scared shitless of physical intimacy. There! I've said it. I'm scared. There isn't a good reason to be either. I've never been molested or raped or sexually assaulted, or whatever other term you can apply there. Nor am I afraid of Heero. He would never hurt me that way. If we're sparring sure, he's going to hurt me if I'm not paying attention, but to do those acts to me it would never cross his mind. He's mostly just waiting for me to be ready although, I don't think I'll ever be truly ready.
Just the thought alone paralyzes me, and just thinking about it makes me think about how I'm letting Heero down. I love him so much that it kills me to make him suffer because I can't put out.
Am I disgusted with myself?
Sometimes I am. But then there is also a part of me saying that Heero doesn't mind because he loves me just as much. He accepts who I am and doesn't try to hurry me me the hell up and just take it like a man. We've attempted it once before. We were both stripped out of all our clothes and Heero was making me feel so warm and loved as he kissed me, but when he started to back off and begin to prepare me I freaked. I couldn't breathe and I curled myself up into a tight ball and cried my eyes out. Heero tried to help me, but every time he touched me, I flinched and then he knew he was the cause of my panic attack, so he ran. Ran away from me because I started bawling my eyes out and tried to get some distance between us. I didn't calm down until he had his clothes back on and was out the door.
I remember thinking he wouldn't be coming back. I had teased him and he thought I was ready then freaked. He probably didn't want to see me again and he was better off too. Who wants to be with someone they can barely touch? I think I feel asleep after while because it was morning way too soon and the light stung my eyes. But Heero was back, still in the clothes he wore the night before, but he was back. He sat on the edge of my bed and I trembled as I reached out to touch his face. He smiled that secret smile of his and asked if he could hold me. I cried as I jumped into his arms. He held me as I wept and apologized over and over. He listened and rocked me as I told him of my fears and then listened as he told me it wasn't my fault. I felt like the biggest loser ever, even though Heero just kissed my forehead and told me that we just needed more time. I asked him if he would be willing to wait that long and he just gave me a patient look as he sighed and told me that he said 'we' needed more time not just the baka.
I'll always remember the look he gave me after that though. It was like his scowl only it was full of his love for me, and none of the anger I thought his eyes would have. He told me then that he wouldn't be waiting for when I got over my fears. He would wait for me to just be ready to trust him and just be with him always. There was no way I would ever again doubt Heero's love for me ever again. Getting over my fear and letting my trust and faith in Heero guide me on the other had, I had lots of doubts about.
Today was our two year anniversary since we started dating. Heero hasn't pushed me to have sex with him either, although I've tried pushing myself instead. Dildos, vibrators, lube, and other things that are hidden away in all corners of my room. I've tried to use them on myself but so far the only thing that has the seal broken is the lube. I used it a could of times when I masturbated. Hey! I'm still a guy and I still have the urges of one, except when it comes to having sex. Just looking at the items I bought makes me panic and yet, Heero will be coming over in a few hours and I doubt I can convince myself that I can go through with what I'm planning this time. Slowly, I gather them all up and lay them out on the bedside table. I have to face this fear of mine. I just have to.
I'm still scared shitless but I want to prove to myself that I can do this. I don't want to stay a virgin for the rest of my life. Well, I do, I guess, since I'm so scared of sex, but I want to give it to Heero. I love him too much to keep it from him. So what else can I do?
Heero arrives at seven sharp, looking so sexy and I'm still at odds with myself. He smiles at me as I usher him in and remind myself that it'll be fine, Heero will love me no matter what but I still need and want to give him this.
This part of myself that I have yet to give away and even as we eat the dinner I've prepared and share the bottle of wine to ease my nerves, my stomach is in knots trying to prepare for what I plan to do next. Although, I'm still unsure of whether I can do it or not. Heero must have noticed my tension because he gets up, kisses my cheek, and starts to massage my neck with gentle, strong fingers. No doubt feeling the tightness there.
“Duo, what's wrong? Are you feeling alright?”
“I'm fine. Your hands feel great on me. Can you go a bit lower though?” He kisses my neck and I can feel the smirk on his lips and I feel his fingers massage deeply into my shoulders and turn into a happy pile of goo. I must have dozed off right there in my chair, because when I finally wake up I notice that I'm laying on top of Heero on my couch. I smile as a snuggle into his firm, warm chest and feel his strong arms wrapped around my waist, and one hand is gently rubbing my back. I hadn't even noticed when he moved us, which proves my trust in him. His chest rumbles beneath me as he chuckles.
“Have a nice nap?” I pick my head up and grin at him.
“I think you found your new calling, Ro. Massage therapy and a beauty sleep mattress.”
“You're beautiful already, so you can't even say that.” He tells me as his fingers come up to caress my cheek.
I blush at his compliment, and lay my head back down and breathe in his scent. I should probably get up before I crush him, but I'm too comfortable to move. Heero doesn't seem to mind and wraps me up in his arms again then slowly turns my head to face him.
“I saw what was in the bedroom Duo.” I freeze, knowing my intentions have been found out and wondering if he is waiting for me to tell him I've gotten over my fear, which I haven't but maybe I can-
“Whatever your thinking Duo, just stop. Duo, I know you're still scared. Your expression is proving that to me. So why is all that stuff laid out in your room? Were you going to try and go through with it any way?” I nod and turn my face away from him, I can't even look at him. He must think I'm an idiot. “Shh, it's all right. I'm not mad, just confused. Why do all that when you aren't ready?”
“I thought I - I c-could try to give it to you any way, but I guess I've ruined it still.”
“You idiot. You haven't ruined anything. I love you no matter what Duo and if that means we don't have sex, then we won't have sex. Case closed.”
“But Heero, that isn't fair to you!”
“Why not? I love you, you love me and we are in this together for however long this lasts and as far as I'm concerned it's forever. I'm not giving anything up by being with you. I have my best friend at my side and what more could I want?”
“But don't you want to- to, you know?” I ask and gesture penetration with my hands, still unable to say it. He shakes his head and grips my hands with one of his, while the other clutches me close.
“Just being with you is enough for me. If and when you ever want to move on, I'll still be with you. What we have now makes up for anything we don't and makes the time sweeter since we're not just jumping into it blindly. I'd rather just lounge around and cuddle with you than fuck you and make you hate me for doing something you're not ready for. And I know you're not just by seeing how nervous you are.”
“Would you do it with someone else if you had to wait for ten years?” I ask nervously. Those fingers come back to feather over my cheek once again.
“I would wait a hundred years just to be with you. Besides, I'm not in any hurry to have sex for the first time either.” I give him a startled look. He laughs nervously. “You thought I had done it already?”
“I just thought that, you would have done something by now.” He shakes his head and leans in to kiss me gently.
“I was waiting for you. There's no one else I'd rather be with, Duo. The wait isn't all that hard when you get to wait for me as well. Let's wait together for however long it's necessary, but I'm not going anywhere. Are you?”
“No. I'm right where I want to be.” I kissed him then and I wasn't afraid. I had learned I had something to anticipate for in the future. To be joined completely with Heero one day, would be my new goal and not my fear.
As I snuggled back down into his arms and let him hold me as we talked, I learned we had both been hiding more from each other than either of us realized. But now we both had something to look forward to and the ends didn't look so bitter.
End.