So This Is Christmas
There have been a lot of great things going on in my life lately:
I graduated from Cal State East Bay.
My mommy bought me a Yaris S (long story for the Buick's departure).
I got a job as an editorial assistant for an educational publisher.
I'm really excited to be starting my career directly after I graduated; I didn't expect to get a job so quickly. My mom bought me a Yaris after I got a "new" used car from my uncle. My dad had told me that my uncle wanted to give me his 91 Cadillac Coupe de Ville and I was thankful because it was an "upgrade" from the Buick; leather seats, digital screens, etc. But at some point my uncle put gasoline that had water in it and it caused the engine to kick and sputter. Driving to the city and then to school was really scary; no one on the Bay Bridge is very patient (I don't blame them) and I could only go 10 mph and then I would finally get the gas to go to the engine and I'd burn out. I clenched my teeth and hands and was so stressed out just from driving that I didn't go a couple days to school. I just didn't want to get behind the wheel. I had enough trouble with the Buick and, in the Cadillac, I just kept feeling like I was going to get rear ended because the stupid car was fucked up.
Anyhow, I was driving my mom and Just to get some dinner one exit away from my house and the exhaust kept popping and it eventually exploded open (I continually use this detail as an example of the magnitude of the blow: the lettering on the sides of the back of the car blew off from the force!). I broke down and freaked out and my dad told me "it'll be fine. take it to midas." So I did and I had to have my mom drive me home after dropping the car off, but she decided to take me to the Toyota dealership to look. We ended up leaving with a, practically, brand new Yaris. It's so cute and fun to drive and I'm excited every day to walk out there and see it and drive it wherever.
I ended up getting an interview with Gale/Cengage Learning in Belmont and I was excited because it is so close and they publish a lot of educational texts in eBook and print forms. The editor I would be working under was really nice and funny and we had a very nice conversation. I felt really good about the interview and I got a call the next week with their offer! Even though I'm not making a fortune, the experience will only help me reach my goals in the long run. I know that much.
Also, with all the good stuff going on, my sister wanted to congratulate me for graduating/prepare me, clothing-wise, for interviews. We went shopping and she bought me this suit that I really like. Spending the day shopping with her was somewhat exhausting (just because trying to find clothes that fit right and have the right shirt underneath, according to my sister, requires lots of thought), but I had a good time and I know that she's been lonely at her new place and I was happy to spend time with her. Yes, I've spent an entire post ranting about her misdeeds and my hatred for her--but I think I understand her more now than I did before and I think we're both trying not to change each other.
The only downside of my life at this moment is Christmas celebration(s). I usually love this holiday; its one of my favorites but everything seems different this year. My aunt and uncle are the hosts this year and they decided to have our family party tomorrow, the 23rd. Every year before this its been on Christmas Day. To top it off, its in Sacramento and I had already told Just I would go with him for his Christmas party for work. I really wanted to go with him and had bought an outfit and everything, so I said I would go to lunch in Sac and be back here for dinner. I was going to do that until my mom told me I didn't have to since there wouldn't be that many people up there anyway. It just made the holiday with my mom's side of the family seem unimportant. I wanted to spend the actual Christmas day with them, but because the hosts chose the day I have other plans. Oh well. The only reason I really wanted to go is to be there for my mom. I know she depends on me sometimes--but she's a damn strong woman.
My dad has made my life . . . actually he hasn't done shit and that's the problem. He wouldn't help pay for the car, big surprise, because he didn't have a hand in choosing it. If he had, I would probably be driving another hand-me-down piece of lemony shit. I was crying at the Toyota dealership because he kept asking me to tell my mom not to buy it and I didn't want her to be poor because she was worried and I was frustrated that he wasn't worried about my safety. By putting me in a shitty car and using shitty car insurance with assholes running the roadside service he puts me in danger. I know many people have to do all this shit on their own and I can't really complain about the fact that he's at least paying for that for me, but the problem is that crap-ass things have happened in that car and with that insurance but he doesn't change it. He just says he will. For this Christmas, since my mom's family's thing is early, I tried to tell my dad I could spend it with his side of the family. I left him messages to tell him that Just would be coming with me this year and that we'd be there Christmas Day for dinner at my uncle's. He didn't call me back to tell me he'd gotten the messages. I spoke to him today and he said, "there weren't any messages. you didn't send them. i told you we have dinner on christmas eve. we always do regardless of what's going on with mom's family." I heard Mary in the background (but we have so much food!) and it just made me feel like shit. What the fuck? Isn't being there one day enough? Isn't listening to him lecture me about becoming a teacher, being fat and this and that bad enough? I make his "favorite pie" and he criticizes my crust when its only the second time I've ever made it. He's such an asshole really. He makes thousands and thousands of dollars and I get he has some budge but he's never been out for anyone but himself. I guess that's his prerogative, but when you have kids you should care for them. I'm a good fucking kid. Maybe I give him attitude, but its because he never remembers anything as it was/is, but as he believes in his mind. He thinks he's saved me somehow, helped me here or there, but in actuality the only things he's done are either in guilt for what little he had to do in my upbringing or a manipulation to get what he wants all over again. If he cared, he wouldn't have given me that shitty Caddy and made me feel like I had to be grateful when it was 16 miles/gallon and I drove 80+ miles 2 times a week last quarter.
Honestly, ranting about my father is nothing new. I have already decided that, when I get married, I will spend time with my husband's family and my mom's family because I hate being around my dad. He feeds off of making others feel inferior, making snide comments, picking his teeth and nose, telling me what to do and repeating falsified family stories. Dad, if you ever read this, you did not save me from drowning when I was five. A random fisherman was there when you weren't. Reflective of our father/daughter relationship.
I'm happy I have my mommy because I know she'll always love me and she's generous even when she shouldn't be. I'm going to pay for that car and my loans and my bills and, if my dad doesn't want to help, that's fine. I've handled life without his help or support anyhow. He pretends to be supportive, but its all a ruse to get his own way. My mom is who she is and is how she is because she is a loving, selfless person. Yes, she has her days but I don't blame her. She learned the hard way that you can only depend on yourself, but she knows I'm here too.
Then there's Just. I'm so proud of my baby finishing his first quarter at Cal State while working at the same time, visiting me and his mom and trying to deal with bullshit bills. This Christmas we're focusing a lot on each other and I'm depending on him, leaning on him at family functions should they sour. Thanksgiving we didn't spend together and he texted me that he was going to make time to be with me and my family since we both missed having each other there--I just wish this year we could spend it with my mom's family and not my dad's. I just don't feel comfortable in the same way there. I can't. But I'm really excited to spend Christmas with Justin.
Anyhow--I think that's enough of that. Everything good. Dad's himself. All will be good in 2008.
I graduated from Cal State East Bay.
My mommy bought me a Yaris S (long story for the Buick's departure).
I got a job as an editorial assistant for an educational publisher.
I'm really excited to be starting my career directly after I graduated; I didn't expect to get a job so quickly. My mom bought me a Yaris after I got a "new" used car from my uncle. My dad had told me that my uncle wanted to give me his 91 Cadillac Coupe de Ville and I was thankful because it was an "upgrade" from the Buick; leather seats, digital screens, etc. But at some point my uncle put gasoline that had water in it and it caused the engine to kick and sputter. Driving to the city and then to school was really scary; no one on the Bay Bridge is very patient (I don't blame them) and I could only go 10 mph and then I would finally get the gas to go to the engine and I'd burn out. I clenched my teeth and hands and was so stressed out just from driving that I didn't go a couple days to school. I just didn't want to get behind the wheel. I had enough trouble with the Buick and, in the Cadillac, I just kept feeling like I was going to get rear ended because the stupid car was fucked up.
Anyhow, I was driving my mom and Just to get some dinner one exit away from my house and the exhaust kept popping and it eventually exploded open (I continually use this detail as an example of the magnitude of the blow: the lettering on the sides of the back of the car blew off from the force!). I broke down and freaked out and my dad told me "it'll be fine. take it to midas." So I did and I had to have my mom drive me home after dropping the car off, but she decided to take me to the Toyota dealership to look. We ended up leaving with a, practically, brand new Yaris. It's so cute and fun to drive and I'm excited every day to walk out there and see it and drive it wherever.
I ended up getting an interview with Gale/Cengage Learning in Belmont and I was excited because it is so close and they publish a lot of educational texts in eBook and print forms. The editor I would be working under was really nice and funny and we had a very nice conversation. I felt really good about the interview and I got a call the next week with their offer! Even though I'm not making a fortune, the experience will only help me reach my goals in the long run. I know that much.
Also, with all the good stuff going on, my sister wanted to congratulate me for graduating/prepare me, clothing-wise, for interviews. We went shopping and she bought me this suit that I really like. Spending the day shopping with her was somewhat exhausting (just because trying to find clothes that fit right and have the right shirt underneath, according to my sister, requires lots of thought), but I had a good time and I know that she's been lonely at her new place and I was happy to spend time with her. Yes, I've spent an entire post ranting about her misdeeds and my hatred for her--but I think I understand her more now than I did before and I think we're both trying not to change each other.
The only downside of my life at this moment is Christmas celebration(s). I usually love this holiday; its one of my favorites but everything seems different this year. My aunt and uncle are the hosts this year and they decided to have our family party tomorrow, the 23rd. Every year before this its been on Christmas Day. To top it off, its in Sacramento and I had already told Just I would go with him for his Christmas party for work. I really wanted to go with him and had bought an outfit and everything, so I said I would go to lunch in Sac and be back here for dinner. I was going to do that until my mom told me I didn't have to since there wouldn't be that many people up there anyway. It just made the holiday with my mom's side of the family seem unimportant. I wanted to spend the actual Christmas day with them, but because the hosts chose the day I have other plans. Oh well. The only reason I really wanted to go is to be there for my mom. I know she depends on me sometimes--but she's a damn strong woman.
My dad has made my life . . . actually he hasn't done shit and that's the problem. He wouldn't help pay for the car, big surprise, because he didn't have a hand in choosing it. If he had, I would probably be driving another hand-me-down piece of lemony shit. I was crying at the Toyota dealership because he kept asking me to tell my mom not to buy it and I didn't want her to be poor because she was worried and I was frustrated that he wasn't worried about my safety. By putting me in a shitty car and using shitty car insurance with assholes running the roadside service he puts me in danger. I know many people have to do all this shit on their own and I can't really complain about the fact that he's at least paying for that for me, but the problem is that crap-ass things have happened in that car and with that insurance but he doesn't change it. He just says he will. For this Christmas, since my mom's family's thing is early, I tried to tell my dad I could spend it with his side of the family. I left him messages to tell him that Just would be coming with me this year and that we'd be there Christmas Day for dinner at my uncle's. He didn't call me back to tell me he'd gotten the messages. I spoke to him today and he said, "there weren't any messages. you didn't send them. i told you we have dinner on christmas eve. we always do regardless of what's going on with mom's family." I heard Mary in the background (but we have so much food!) and it just made me feel like shit. What the fuck? Isn't being there one day enough? Isn't listening to him lecture me about becoming a teacher, being fat and this and that bad enough? I make his "favorite pie" and he criticizes my crust when its only the second time I've ever made it. He's such an asshole really. He makes thousands and thousands of dollars and I get he has some budge but he's never been out for anyone but himself. I guess that's his prerogative, but when you have kids you should care for them. I'm a good fucking kid. Maybe I give him attitude, but its because he never remembers anything as it was/is, but as he believes in his mind. He thinks he's saved me somehow, helped me here or there, but in actuality the only things he's done are either in guilt for what little he had to do in my upbringing or a manipulation to get what he wants all over again. If he cared, he wouldn't have given me that shitty Caddy and made me feel like I had to be grateful when it was 16 miles/gallon and I drove 80+ miles 2 times a week last quarter.
Honestly, ranting about my father is nothing new. I have already decided that, when I get married, I will spend time with my husband's family and my mom's family because I hate being around my dad. He feeds off of making others feel inferior, making snide comments, picking his teeth and nose, telling me what to do and repeating falsified family stories. Dad, if you ever read this, you did not save me from drowning when I was five. A random fisherman was there when you weren't. Reflective of our father/daughter relationship.
I'm happy I have my mommy because I know she'll always love me and she's generous even when she shouldn't be. I'm going to pay for that car and my loans and my bills and, if my dad doesn't want to help, that's fine. I've handled life without his help or support anyhow. He pretends to be supportive, but its all a ruse to get his own way. My mom is who she is and is how she is because she is a loving, selfless person. Yes, she has her days but I don't blame her. She learned the hard way that you can only depend on yourself, but she knows I'm here too.
Then there's Just. I'm so proud of my baby finishing his first quarter at Cal State while working at the same time, visiting me and his mom and trying to deal with bullshit bills. This Christmas we're focusing a lot on each other and I'm depending on him, leaning on him at family functions should they sour. Thanksgiving we didn't spend together and he texted me that he was going to make time to be with me and my family since we both missed having each other there--I just wish this year we could spend it with my mom's family and not my dad's. I just don't feel comfortable in the same way there. I can't. But I'm really excited to spend Christmas with Justin.
Anyhow--I think that's enough of that. Everything good. Dad's himself. All will be good in 2008.