(no subject)
I haven't written in here in over a year.
It's weird how people from your past can make you feel things you didn't expect.
Why is it that the joy and the pain all come rushing back?
I don't love him, I haven't for a long time, but he played a big part in my life.
He was my first real love, reciprocated love.
My first in a a lot of other things, too.
But I don't love him. Not anymore.
I still think of the fun we had, the times we laughed, the passion between us
But with that comes the pain I felt, the tears, and the months of being numb.
I'm reminded of the reasons for the walls I've built
the inability to trust
the insecurity I felt and still at times feel now.
I'm reminded of the intense love I had
the talks of marriage
thinking that maybe children would be ok if they were with him.
I'm reminded of my desire to terminate my life
my hatred of myself
my inability to pull myself out of the hole in which I felt I was living.
I cry after I see him, every time, and I can never decide if it's happy or sad.
Our relationship was intense
when we loved, we loved
when we fought, we were at war.
There was no middle ground, no sorta kinda, no mediocrity.
I don't love him anymore, but I miss the love I had for him
and I fear that I will never have that love again.
It's weird how people from your past can make you feel things you didn't expect.
Why is it that the joy and the pain all come rushing back?
I don't love him, I haven't for a long time, but he played a big part in my life.
He was my first real love, reciprocated love.
My first in a a lot of other things, too.
But I don't love him. Not anymore.
I still think of the fun we had, the times we laughed, the passion between us
But with that comes the pain I felt, the tears, and the months of being numb.
I'm reminded of the reasons for the walls I've built
the inability to trust
the insecurity I felt and still at times feel now.
I'm reminded of the intense love I had
the talks of marriage
thinking that maybe children would be ok if they were with him.
I'm reminded of my desire to terminate my life
my hatred of myself
my inability to pull myself out of the hole in which I felt I was living.
I cry after I see him, every time, and I can never decide if it's happy or sad.
Our relationship was intense
when we loved, we loved
when we fought, we were at war.
There was no middle ground, no sorta kinda, no mediocrity.
I don't love him anymore, but I miss the love I had for him
and I fear that I will never have that love again.