Creep.
I'm going to preface this by saying that things between Jordan and I are fine.
Just so nobody freaks out. If anyone reads this.
I'll start out by saying that sometimes it's a lot easier to just smile and roll with the punches.
It's definitely easier than stopping to acknowledge the fact that you feel hurt.
I don't know what caused this mood swing. I've been having them all day, but tonight was actually going pretty well. I don't know, I don't want to start naming people and pointing fingers. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated because I feel like I try to put myself out there and be there for others, but nobody really seems to give a crap. Perhaps it's just my warped perception. But I feel like I fight and I fight to be a part of something, and in the end I get sort of maneuvered to the side. Replaced with people who are perhaps not as complicated, but just as dramatic.
Man, I am no better than the kids at Muppet House. Seriously.
I feel as if I'm not really anyone's best friend. Obviously I'm Jordan's best friend and he's mine, but that is different. We have something going on on a totally different level. Right now I just feel like no one would care if I just picked up and left town, if Jordan and I just eloped and vanished from everyone's lives.
I've been caught in this unending tidal wave of jealousy. I'm jealous because this person texts this person more than they text me, I'm jealous because these two have their own little project that they work on together that I'm not really a part of, I'm jealous whenever my fiance talks to a pretty girl. I'm a spoiled brat who wants to be the center of attention. I suppose that's really what it boils down to.
I don't want to be a brat. I just want someone to notice me... to thank me for being there... to appreciate the fact that I've been a part of their life. I can feel it happening all over again, and it keeps happening, and I haven't really changed, so I don't know why I'm expecting different results. I guess I really am insane. I shouldn't be surprised that my friendships aren't in good condition. It's because of me. I do this. I am the constant factor in these situations. People enter and exit my life willingly, even if I don't want them to enter in the first place, or if I never want them to leave.
What am I doing wrong? Am I pushing everyone away? Am I making things complicated on purpose? Am I letting myself make every little interaction a big deal?
I guess I just need to face up to the fact that life is always in motion. I change, everyone around me changes. I can't expect people and relationships to always be the same.
I want someone to notice when I'm not around. I want them to care.
Perhaps it's just too much to ask.
Just so nobody freaks out. If anyone reads this.
I'll start out by saying that sometimes it's a lot easier to just smile and roll with the punches.
It's definitely easier than stopping to acknowledge the fact that you feel hurt.
I don't know what caused this mood swing. I've been having them all day, but tonight was actually going pretty well. I don't know, I don't want to start naming people and pointing fingers. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated because I feel like I try to put myself out there and be there for others, but nobody really seems to give a crap. Perhaps it's just my warped perception. But I feel like I fight and I fight to be a part of something, and in the end I get sort of maneuvered to the side. Replaced with people who are perhaps not as complicated, but just as dramatic.
Man, I am no better than the kids at Muppet House. Seriously.
I feel as if I'm not really anyone's best friend. Obviously I'm Jordan's best friend and he's mine, but that is different. We have something going on on a totally different level. Right now I just feel like no one would care if I just picked up and left town, if Jordan and I just eloped and vanished from everyone's lives.
I've been caught in this unending tidal wave of jealousy. I'm jealous because this person texts this person more than they text me, I'm jealous because these two have their own little project that they work on together that I'm not really a part of, I'm jealous whenever my fiance talks to a pretty girl. I'm a spoiled brat who wants to be the center of attention. I suppose that's really what it boils down to.
I don't want to be a brat. I just want someone to notice me... to thank me for being there... to appreciate the fact that I've been a part of their life. I can feel it happening all over again, and it keeps happening, and I haven't really changed, so I don't know why I'm expecting different results. I guess I really am insane. I shouldn't be surprised that my friendships aren't in good condition. It's because of me. I do this. I am the constant factor in these situations. People enter and exit my life willingly, even if I don't want them to enter in the first place, or if I never want them to leave.
What am I doing wrong? Am I pushing everyone away? Am I making things complicated on purpose? Am I letting myself make every little interaction a big deal?
I guess I just need to face up to the fact that life is always in motion. I change, everyone around me changes. I can't expect people and relationships to always be the same.
I want someone to notice when I'm not around. I want them to care.
Perhaps it's just too much to ask.