And the world went on
[continued from here]
"...Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it ( Read more... )
"...Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it ( Read more... )
I found myself shaking my head at her words. I was not strong. I was weak. So weak, that I had forgotten my love for her to the point, that I became weak, immersed in as many bottles of scotch that money could by, so weak that I had let my love for her transmit into a god who could take her form and form an allegiance to that belligerent being.
I knew that literally, I wasn't shaking my head. I was far too immersed in her to let myself show the negativity that seeped out of my pores in spades, making me want to faint, everything lost, but in her presence, so much more gained.
I managed a weak smile, trying to tell myself to be agreeable. It was no secret that all of us, all of us had made bad decisions, but I wouldn't have changed anything except for her death and my death.
"We played the hand that we were dealt," I said, trying to fight back the well of tears, and lacking success in the endeavor. "We...we failed in many respects, but the casualties suffered may have made the world that we no longer get to live in, a better place..."
I could only speculate that the outcome of the others had been so different then mine, that Illyria, that Gunn, that Spike and that Angel had won, as I once more, used her face, her foreheadas my pillow, as my weakness became more and more apparent to both of us, as I gushed like a sniveling child, a stream of tears falling onto her forehead, me wiping them away before they could get into her eyes.
Honestly, I believed them to be tears of joy, and I believed that seeing her again made dying worth it, although while on the Earth, I wouldn't think that I would have wanted Vail to get the better of me.
Now, in this dreary and wretched place, we had all eternity together to figure out what we would have done differently. I would have declared my love for her when we returned from Pylea, things may have turned out differently; we may not have taken the reigns at Wolfram and Hart, but at least I would have shown strength and not cowardice in that respect.
Hands on her cheeks, walking at a slow pace into the distance, I looked deeply into her eyes. "You do know that if given the opportunity, while I may have changed other things, before we spear-headed Wolfram and Hart Los Angeles, but I think that you and I both know that we would have made the same decision again, even in death. Hopefully, things on Earth have improved, and we are merely the casualties of the effort."
I kissed her again. "Maybe the world is a better place even if we are not in it? Maybe in death, we are finally able to be the people that we were not able to be on Earth."
I softly kissed her again, oblivious to the sounds in the distance, oblivious to anything that was not directly related to her lips, the silkiness of her skin, the bone structure of her elegant face, or the way that she felt and the way that she made me feel when I was near her.
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"We played the hand that we were dealt,"
And that we did, all of us did. All of us tried to make everything count, trying hard not to be swallowed hole. Trying hard to hold on to the mission, to the cause, to the dream that someday it would all be over and the world would be a better place, for everyone, for all of us. And not just one dictated to us by power and human hungry demons, or an evil law firm bent on trying to take over the world... or worlds.
I could hear the break in his voice and it ripped my heart, just when I thought that there was nothing else that could break it. But his tears, they were rolling down so fast I could taste them, all mixed in with my own.
"We...we failed in many respects, but the casualties suffered may have made the world that we no longer get to live in, a better place..."
I felt his hands on my forehead and then on my cheeks, wiping away all of my tears and all of my fears. All I could think of was the last time he held me this way, the last time he gave me strength to endure all the pain that I had to endure. My pain had been emotional as well as physical then, but because of him, I made it through.
I couldn't call this place hell anymore. Hell you endured alone, this- this was something different, this was a second chance. This was life waiting to happen again, this was the start of something new, and the continuation of something that never had a real chance to be.
"We didn't fail, we did all that we could, given the circumstances... I see that now." I said, still sobbing' softly, overwhelmed by so many emotions I didn’t know I had still.
"You do know that if given the opportunity, while I may have changed other things, before we spear-headed Wolfram and Hart Los Angeles, but I think that you and I both know that we would have made the same decision again, even in death. Hopefully, things on Earth have improved, and we are merely the casualties of the effort."
I didn't believe in destiny. We made our own paths, our own choices in life. Our lives weren't something that was pre-determined, ore pre-destined by some higher being, and even if it were, we all had the power to change the outcome. To some degree, I think Angel knew that. More than once he had proven that, in fact. But I knew that Wesley was right about what he had said. In the end, we would have probably made the same choices, and not because it was destiny, but because it was human nature. The choice had seem so logical then, and even from here, even now, it seemed logical.
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I felt his kiss and again, it sparked a shimmer of light inside of me that I thought had been long dead since that night.
"Maybe the world is a better place even if we are not in it? Maybe in death, we are finally able to be the people that we were not able to be on Earth."
I smiled and closed my eyes, letting his kiss warm my cold skin, letting his voice wrap me up in its warmth like a blanket of hope where all my doubts and uncertainties could dissipate. I held him tight as I let go of all my fears. There was nothing that could get between us now. Everything had been taken away from us, and in the end we were still together.
"I don't think I'm a afraid anymore, now that you're here. You've always given me strength, whenever I thought I had lost it all. Even in those last moments, Wesley, you gave me the strength that I needed to endure it all, to face my demons even when I had to face them alone."
Finally I could feel the warmth that I had longed for in so long. Finally there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Finally there was hope in this place of infinite darkness. He was here with me, holding my hand through the shadows.
"We have done our part in the great battle, we have done all that we could do, all that was asked of us. Maybe we could have done more, maybe not. But we gave our lives for the greater good, and I think- I think I don't resent that anymore,” I took one deep unneeded breath, out of habit more than anything, and continued, “And now it’s up to Angel, Gunn and Spike to do the rest and keep the world safe,"
I held on to him, as we walked. "There is so much of this place that I haven't explored, or haven't found the courage to explore, but together we can. No more fears. No more regrets, this is just the beginning or our lives after death."
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I couldn't pretend to understand all of the intracacies of this place, but I agreed with her whole-heartedly as I looked around, somehow able to take my eyes off of her, even for the tiniest of moments.
This was no hell. It wasn't the ritz-carlton, but here with her, there was nothing remotely hellish about it.
I adjusted my gaze from the almost city-like hel...nirvana around us, and then, gladly, happily, I turned my gaze back to her.
The sounds around, the sounds of a hell-like existence, place, were inconsequential comparatively to being here with her.
I knew that there wasn't a heaven-like quality or quantum to this dimension, or permanence, I could hear with my own very solidly working ears, that pains were bein inflicted elsewhere, but we were already dead, right?
What could hurt us now? Especially, as we were here together.
Thinking about it actually troubled me. I found myself pinching myself, hard, indeed, and finding not only that it hurt, but that I had yelped a touch in the process.
Maybe there was the possibility that we could b hurt, or worse, somehow, although there was nothing taking me away from her...not again.
She looked at me, as I found myself scanning the environs more. "Sorry, my love, it just occurs to me that while we are dead, we both know we are dead, that it seem that we can still feel pain....."
I saw the concern in her again and knew that I had done nothing but alarm her again and I didn't want to do that, not to her, even if this new reality was a lot deeper then either of us might consider it to be.
We walked along and I knew that danger still faced us, but I also knew that we could take precautions and it was almost uplifting that I was here ith her and could still fight demons, as it appeared, at least to the ears, because of the sounds, the purveyors of the noise, not yet seen.
"Angel, Spike, Gunn and even Illyria, can continue the battle on Earth, my love, about tht, you are correct, but isn't it occurring to you that we can still do the same in this strange place?"
Again, i didn't want to alarm her, but I did find myself not only wanting to kiss her more, make love to her, but also look for weapons of some kind, any kind.
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I gave him a sad smile and held his hand tighter. I had done the same thing when I first woke up here, in this place. I didn't understand at first where I was, or how I had gotten here. For a moment, I thought that maybe I was just losing my mind and I was lot somewhere in the firm.
Maybe I had lost myself somewhere in the park.
I thought that I was dreaming... and I that was back home with my folks, in good ol' Texas. And there had been no Pylea, no Angel Investigations and no Wolfram and Hart. For a second, there was a small feeling of relief. All kinds of crazy thoughts flowed through my head, and it took me a while to understand all that had happened. To actually believe.
Sometimes, I guess, denial is a friend.
But I was smarter than that.
"Don't think we can die all over again... don't really wanna. But I think being able to feel pain even though we are obviously very dead is an unpleasant side effect of hell."
I had already grown used to the sounds in this place, and the eternal darkness was almost, homey. Guess I had Pylea to thank for that. Still...
"Angel, Spike, Gunn and even Illyria, can continue the battle on Earth, my love, about that, you are correct, but isn't it occurring to you that we can still do the same in this strange place?"
It had occurred to me. It wasn't your conventional hell with the pit of fire and the torment; it was like a city in itself, only dark and lacking a sun. Eternal darkness, and just like a ghost world.
"It had," I began. "It's not like the hell they paint for you in the books, you know. Its like, this endless void, with just strange sounds. Almost like a city, a dark empty city. Sometimes I turn the corner and think that I recognize the place from before, but the fog beings to roll in and I can't quite tell," I looked up at him, and smiled slightly. "I don't- I haven't ventured much. It was in my to do list this morning... or night, you know what I mean."
We walked along a more familiar street, and suddenly this place didn't seem so bad after all. I mean, if you try not to think about the howling wind, eternal darkness and vacancy of the place, it could almost be just home. But I knew it was because Wesley was here with me.
Nothing could go wrong anymore, nothing... because everything that could had already. We had been through the worse and yet, here we were... still together.
"You know, I sort of have a theory about this whole hell place. I mean, isn't hell supposed to be more, fiery death and torture? Not that I'm complaining here, this is fine, but I think this is like an alternate dimension. A sort of... holding place maybe?"
It was the only logical explanation. After all, Wolfram and Hart was a multi-dimensional firm. "We all signed a contract with them... a life time contract... in blood. Kinda like selling you soul to the devil, or a giant evil law firm that is sorta like the devil only bigger and badder."
I stopped and looked into his eyes. Didn't care were we were anymore, or how we had gotten here. We were together and that was all that matter now. God I had missed him. I had missed him so much. We had an eternity to do everything we never got a chance to do.
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I kissed her slightly, gently, not as passionately as before, but still with feeling, and still enjoying the pleasurable feel of her lips.
Then she said the words that rung very true and though I was thrilled to be here with her, it hit home with a lucidity that was only there for alcoholics and drug fiends once they had achieved their moments of clarity.
The expression on my face had to change in front of her eyes from one that had been enjoying the pleasure of her lips, to what was now thoughts about what had happened to Lilah.
Suddenly, I found myself looking around for Lilah.
"You are correct. Just like it was true for Lilah after Cordy...Jasmine had killed her and I had chopped her head off, she came back anyway to offer us this contract, this contract that now has us here."
I had a god awful thought, and she looked at me, questioningly, but I didn't know if I could divulge the thought.
She continued to look at me, though, and her eyes were entrancing and penetrated through me. "In reality, if that is the case, then if something, god forbid, were to happen to Angel, or Gunn or Lorne, then we would see them here as well."
I didn't know about Spike or...or Illyria, but suddenly, that seemed very much clear.
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Or as different as a life after death can be.
I smiled at him, as I looked into his eyes and watched as they became a little alarmed. It was a subtle change, you had to really know Wesley to tell when he was thinking about something truly important... his eyes said it all.
"You are correct. Just like it was true for Lilah after Cordy...Jasmine had killed her and I had chopped her head off, she came back anyway to offer us this contract, this contract that now has us here."
Lilah...
I remembered all that had happened then. How we all got hurt then, one way or the other. How things just seemed to go from bad to worse, and then how Jasmine changed the world. And then we ended world peace and got Wolfram and Hart as a reward.
Singed our souls in blood on the dotted like, and went to work for the house of death.
We all did that, didn't we? We all signed our lives away for the greater good? Oh, god... I looked at him, trying to figure out what he was trying to say, but deep down I already knew.
"In reality, if that is the case, then if something, god forbid, were to happen to Angel, or Gunn or Lorne, then we would see them here as well."
I furrowed my brows. I hadn't seen anyone that had worked from Wolfram and Hart here. Not Manny from the mail room, or Rebecca from files and records or even Lilah.
I shook my head, trying hard not to even think about what would happen if they all... no, that couldn't happen. The powers needed their champion. They wouldn't let something like that happen, now would they? And Charles, he- he was too smart, he knew how to take care of himself. And Lorne... he.
"No," I said softly. "They- I haven't... it's only been me. You're the first person I've seen here since... I came here."
I took his hand in my own and gave him a squeeze. "I'm sure they're fine, alright? We would have seen them right? And here we are-- no sign of them at all, so that must be a good sign right?"
Where ever they were, I hoped that they were okay... and not here.
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Angel, Spike, and I wouldn't mention the name....not aloud, again, but Illyria; they were all incredibly strong.
It was indeed impossible to fathomtha they might have suffered a similar fate as we did, but I couldn't definitively claim that.
The forces that may have reacted to our reaction to the Circle of the Black Thorn could have been undefeatable.
Still, I had to believe that the woeld still had champions left...left to battle with all of the things that were akin tp the very place that we were now.
"Yes, yes, I am sure that you are indeed correct, Fred. The world couldn't possibly lose all of it's champions. The balances of power couldn't allow that, although Buffy an Faith would still be on Earth, even if Angel and Spike and Gunn were to..heaven forbid, pass away and join us here."
I looked at her, as she trembled out the word right, three consecutive times, well not consecutively, but in a space of two sentences she had.
"I'm sure that the world is still on it's axis, Fred. And at least being dead, here and not of Earth means that I get to be with you again."
Although, in itself, that was cause for a great deal of suspicion.
Why was it that I couldn't enjoy her before we were attacked by a demon or something to that extreme?
I always had to consider things rationally. What I really needed was to get drunk. With Fred.
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It was a second chance, even if it was half a chance. It was- something.
"I'm sure that the world is still on its axis, Fred. And at least being dead, here and not of Earth means that I get to be with you again."
"I guess in the end... book man came through," I said almost smiling again. I didn't know how he would take those words. Didn't know if it will take him back to...
Still.
We were together now, we were... complete.
The thing that I loved most about Wesley was the way he viewed things, always thinking, trying to understand the situation and not take it for what it was, always trying to find a better answer than the was he was given.
I guess in more ways than one he reminded me of... me. Always trying to solve the puzzle, always trying to find the best possible solution to the most difficult equations.
I let out a soft sigh and looked around. The fog was starting to roll in heavy in this part of dead city.
"Ya know, I'd very much like to get outta here. Not that any other place will be much different than this one," I said wrapping my arms around him.
"Not that I'm exactly sure where here is... I was sorta trying to figure out before you... appeared."
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I looked around, not willing to let go of her as I moved on, almost as if-if I were to do so, that we would lose each other again and that the book man would once again be looking for answers with no hope of saving her from the god that was swallowing her whole from the inside out.
Only this time, it would be a hell dimension doing the same thing, and I couldn't, wouldn't allow that to happen.
I studied the environment. I had done it briefly before my eyes were dazzled by Fred, whom I thought was Illyria but found to really be Fred.
Now, I could do it further and it was striking me as oddly, and unwelcomedly familiar, except that the demon noises were far outreaching the sounds of motorists or chattering walkers.
What struck me as similar about this place from something else that I already knew, was how similar that it appeared to Los Angeles. Not every detail was the same, but I did find myself wanting to look for the Hyperion and even for Wolfram and Hart.
"Fred, doesn't it strike you as odd, that other then the darkness and the dank, and the smell, that this place seems so similar to Los Angeles?"
My hands were still on her. Of her, I couldn't let go of. Not again.
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I had been thinking the same thing ever since I had woken up in this place. In the time I was here I had ventured into many areas, trying to find a way out until I realized that there was none.
I didn't know what to really make of it. It had no real purpose other than to just be here.
I squeezed Wesley's hand tighter, as if I did loose my grip I would lose him forever and I couldn't go through all that, not again.
So I held on, as we explored this place together.
"Yeah, I noticed that too when I first woke up here. It's- always been this way. I kept hoping for signs of life, or for the sun to come up but, it never has. I mean, it almost seem like some kind of holding dimension." I said we walked through one of the more familiar streets.
"Maybe that's what this is... a holding dimension, a replica of Los Angeles. I don't know, I mean, that the only logical answer, right?"
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It was sinking in like a ton of bricks over the shoulder in a bag of rope that tended to cleeve the skin or at least chafe it.
"Those of us unfortunate enough to survive the great battle that Angel started are afforted the permanent luxury of one of Wolfram and Hart's holding and or hell dimensions."
I couldn't believe that something like this didn't occur to me sooner and a scowl painted my face, even while being reunited with the woman that I loved more then any other.
I stopped and sort of moved her off of the street and into a building, suddenly feeling like we were being watched.
She looked at me a little strangely. "I think of it this way, Fred. Visibility is much easier in the open."
I was so busy thinking of scenarios and reasons that I had just managed to sound like a complete bafoon.
Besides, I kind of..not kind of, very strongly wanted to find a residence, a bed, a cot, a shower, anything and make love to her for six hours.
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