My mind was racing, for a second there I thought that maybe, just maybe, my mind was playing tricks on me as it used to do in the beginning. I tried to breathe deep, not that I needed to, but I had to regain my composure.
When the fog cleared, I could see him clearly... and it, it was really him. My Wesley. He was here, he was a- no, not alive... We weren't alive, but he was here.
"Fred?"
His voice... it was just as I remembered it. Just like I remembered. I couldn't help but think back to those last few moments, the look in his face, the way he held me, so still, so close to his heart.
I almost flinched when his hand touched my face, and I couldn't help the tears that were beginning to spill. I could feel my body trembling; I couldn't believe he was here.
"Wesley?" I asked again, but I didn't need any more reassurance... it was him; it was really him and not just some figment of my imagination.
I hugged him tight, and cried on his shoulder, happy to see him, happy that he still remembered me, just happy...
"Wesley- I... I've missed you," I said between sobs. "Oh my Wesley... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I put you through. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger than I was..."
Still not sure how all of this work, but having a good idea, I pinched myself and could definitely feel it.
I then wasted no time, and kissed her, being able to kiss her, and not have it be Illyria on the other end pretending to be Fred.
Then, something did occur to me. Maybe it was Illyria? Maybe she had suffered the same fate as I had? Blast! How could I be so bloody daft?
I backed away from her. It wasn't that I hated Illyria, other then the fact that she had taken Fred from me.
I was just irritated that I just walked up and kissed her without knowing for sure, or without thinking about it. This wasn't heaven. This was hell. Fred had never done anything remotely worthy of having her sent to hell.
My face crinkled up. I got serious. "Show me your face, Illyria."
I had missed him, more than I had cared to admit to myself. I had needed him so much. And he was now here... in this place. I knew he was dead like me, and I felt bad for feeling so happy about it, I knew it was a bad thing. I had only wanted for him to go on living, even if it was without me, but seeing him here, having him so close... I didn't want to let go.
I kissed him back with the same passion. Our time had been cut short, and now by unknown reasons we were back together, getting a second chance at... love? Yes- that what this was. A second chance.
But just like that, in a blink of an eye, he began to push me away. I looked at him with furrowed brows, feeling the sting of rejection. At first I didn't understand why he would push me away.
But soon it became clear... "Show me your face, Illyria."
"Wesley, I- I am not... Illyria. It's me Fred." I said taking a few steps towards him. "Please, Wesley, you have to believe me. I am not, I am not her. Please..." I took his hand, and look into his eyes.
How could I make him understand that it was me? This was truly hell, I was in hell, and nothing here was ever easy. I was in hell.
I didn't know if I believed her. Illyria would be too proud to hide who she really was, and would likely just show me who she was, but maybe this was some odd hell transference, because in no way, ever, should Winifred Burkle have been in this hell dimension.
I wanted it to be her, eyeing her cautiously.
I walked around her, noticing that she was acting exactly like Fred would, and it was clear right now that I was obviously frightening her.
"The Winifred Burkle that I know would never be deserving of such a place that we currently are, meanwhile the Goddess Illyria killed and maimed thousands. How do you explain your presence here, if you are Fred? What possibly could you have done to come here?"
I had one thing in mind, and it did make a little sense, although she was not the killer. I was hoping that her feelings for this were so deep, that not even Illyria would have picked them up out of Fred's memories.
I had been for months now... and it had been worse than being in Pylea, what with all the quiet and what not, but then again, it wasn't as bad. Other than... the quiet and the loneliness, and the what ifs.
But now... Wesley... he was here. Was this even real? Was this something I was just imagining out of loneliness? No, this was real. He was here. After the initial shock of seeing him, it made me almost sad to see him here, because it meant only one thing, he was dead too. He had died.
I had wanted him to live, to have the life that we never had a chance to live. After getting over the fact that my death had been unfair, and that I should be there with him, I came to realize that all I really wanted for him to do was to live. To be happy. To try, and just be happy, even if it was without me.
Guess things don't quite work out that way for some of us. For the best of us.
I looked at him, sadness in my face, as he circled me, cold, and distant... Not quite what I had in mind if I ever met him in heaven, but that was not where we were, and we weren't living in a fairy tale world.
"The Winifred Burkle that I know would never be deserving of such a place that we currently are, meanwhile the Goddess Illyria killed and maimed thousands. How do you explain your presence here, if you are Fred? What possibly could you have done to come here?"
My face grew cold, hard... just like the one he had seen only once before. I looked down, thinking back to the moment when I opened the portal. If Gunn hadn't stepped in, I would have killed Siedel, and tossed him into the portal. No regrets. Not even now, as I was thinking it... I didn't have any regrets-- but only one. Letting Gunn do what I should have done instead. And that was the only regret I had out of the whole thing.
"Siedel..." I whispered. I didn't know if he had heard me, and maybe he didn't.
I finally looked up at him, crossing my arms... I guess even the dead had feelings.
"Remember what you said to me Wesley on that night? You said, 'Vengeance will have a price - and once you've acted you can't go back. You'll have to live with your actions forever.' Remember?" I knew he did. But I wasn't finished.
I loved him with all my heart, and he knew me, he really knew me, better than anyone, there never were any secrets between us- ever, not even now... not even in death. "It should have been me... I should have been the one to kill Siedel, not Gunn. Not him." I looked down and smiled, sadly. "I guess I never really forgave him for that."
It was harrowing to hear her recount such an event, but I didn't believe that Illyria would hold such a memory and even if she had, I was completely certain that Illyria would not have been capable of saying that she wished that she had done it and not Gunn.
And, Illyria would definitely not have taken the feelings of Charles into consideration, whether they be negative emotions or positive emotions.
I looked her in the eye. Her face was pained, cold, distant, and at least in part, right now, I was responsible for that.
We were both dead, very dead, but in the same place. It was foolish of me to even consider that Illyria would be dead in the same place that I would be, and it was crazy for me to believe that Ilyria, Spike and Angel, and possibly even Gunn, wouldn't have made it out of whatever battle awaited them
I was weak and had underestimated my foe. I deserved to die for being so careless.
That didn't matter now, though, as a smile came over my face in front of her, my hands going to her face.
"Fred..." was all that I could say, as my lips went to hers, my hands still gently squeezing hers. "I should have known that when I died, I would be reunited with you."
I kissed her more passionately, discounting any thoughts that she might not want me to. I would deal with the ramifications of that after the sweet kiss.
The one thing I had in this place was time... time to think, time to simply remember everything that I had been through from the time that I started talking up until now.
It was true what I had said about not really forgiving Charles for killing Seidel. It was the reason why he and I could never work out after that. Charles never understood, he always saw me as this sweet and sometimes crazy person that could do no wrong in the world. But that wasn't me, that wasn't always me.
However, I had never admitted that to anyone. Not even Wesley, even though he was the only one that really allowed me to be who I was without really questioning my innocence.
Wesley and I... we were a lot a like.
I knew that now, after all this time spent in hell. I realized that he and I carried in us this certain kind of darkness that not a lot of people had, or that not a lot of people wanted to have. For me, innocence was lost the moment I set foot in Pylea. And Wesley knew that.
"Fred..."
I smiled, feeling relieved.
"I should have known that when I died, I would be reunited with you."
He didn't give me time to say anything, he simply kissed me... kissed me the way I had imagined it would be, should we ever meet again. For a moment I thought that this... everything that was happening was nothing more than a dream. But it wasn't. This was the real deal.
"Wesley, my Wesley," I said with a smiled. Who would have thought that I would be reunited with my one true love in hell... out of all places.
I hugged him again. I wasn't gonna let go, not this time. This time I was gonna stay. We were both dead, we had both here, together in death.
"Wesley, how? I- I've missed you. All this time... I've missed you." I couldn't form any other words and yet there was so much I wanted to say. There was so much that I wanted him to know. But for now... this was simply okay.
It was fairly obvious that she didn't mind our embrace, our kiss,and that was pleasing to me in this time of utter disconcertiveness.
She was about to ask me how, but as knowledged and as read as I was, I had no idea how this was possible.
Vail had killed me. I had died on that cold floor of the ancient warlocks home and Fred had died in my arms in her apartment.
The only connection between the two events, logical of religious elemnts aside, was Illyria.
"I don't know how, my love. I don't know how we are here, or where we are, and I seriously doubt that I will, that we will be able to research any of this. We're both dead and yet, here we are, able to kiss each other, able to feel. As much as I wish that Illyria hadn't taken you and that I hadn't died and we could be down on Earth, fighting with Angel, Spike, Gunn and ...and the one that took you, I am equally as glad that I am here with you in death...."
I kissed her again, thinkin about the ramifications of this all. It wasn't an utterly joyous moment until I considered that this might be what death was like an that being with Fred after death meant that death was bliss.
I had played this very moment in my mind in this afterlife many times over. I had imagined what I would say should I be so lucky to find Wesley again in this so called life after death. For months and months I toyed with the idea of 'what if', but never truly believed in it. Not until now... this very moment.
And nothing could have prepared me for the torrent of emotions that were about to spill like a broken petri dish on the lab floor.. Ours was a tragic love, if there was ever such a thing in real life, it was one that never could- that was doomed from the beginning due to 'pre-destined' circumstances, and when it finally did connect and became what we thought would be forever, it was too late...
But not anymore. Now we had an eternity to make up for lost time, an eternity to take back what we had lost.
I swallowed hard as he spoke to me, the old familiar comfort in his voice returning, masking the obvious surge of emotions he too was feeling.
He kissed me again and for that very moment, I forgot I was in hell. For that one moment, when his lips connected to mine sending something that I can only describe as electricity through my lifeless body, I felt like heaven, so a live, so happy...
"Wesley I missed you," I said trying not to cry, trying not to let the emotions get the best of me, but it was already too late for that.
"I never thought I'd see you again, I was lost again... I had lost you forever, and- and I'm sorry, I'm sorry because... there is so much that I should have done when we were a live..." I needed to tell him this, because I had been holding on to it ever since my death, because down here I had all the time in the world to think about things like this.
"I could have given us more time together and instead I waited, waited until it was too late, and- I'm sorry for dying and leaving you- broken hearted, I'm sorry that I couldn't be stronger for you, I'm sorry that I wasn't careful... that my curiosity got the best of me. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay with you..."
After all was said and done, I felt ten tons lighter... I thought I had gotten over all of that, that I had made my peace with everything, but I had held on to that for so long, and now, there was nothing left but the love, nothing left but Wesley.
I shushed her and kissed her, tears filling my eyes as her heart-felt and tear-filled words came out.
I pulled away from her, tears overtaking me, death not making pain any less. A torture of being in hell, possibly, but I didn't think so. It was simply a case of it being the most important thing to me, everything that she had mentioned was true and yet it wasn't.
I pressed my nose against hers, my hands on either side of her face, trying to get the tears away from me, away from my mist-clouded eyes.
"None of it matters, Fred. We have each other now, and you could never fail me. You couldn't convince me that our waiting was a bad thing, for when we became real, it was the single greatest moment of my life, no matter how brief it was. You were taken by Illyria because of your curiosity to understand things, because of your cusriosity at what made things work, and how they functioned, I could no sooner hold that against you, then I could your great beauty..."
I kissed her again, thinking about the day she had died, all of the things that had happened, Gunn's part in it all, and Angel's unwillingness to take thousands of lives to save hers. The tears flowed so readily, that I couldn't contain them, and started to wail, openly, like a child.
"I have you back now and though we are both dead, I would rather be dead with you then alive without you..." I felt embarrassed to admit that, for I hadn't intended upon letting Vail kill me, but it was the truth. Every solemn word of it.
My tears continued to flow, mixing in our mouthes as we kissed.
I couldn't deny the bitter taste that was left in my mouth after my death. Maybe it had been there because I had thought that once it was all done, the pain... my pain and my grief would stop.
Maybe it had been there because in the end, in those last precious moments of my life, I couldn't accept what was happening, and my actions wouldn't let Wesley accept it either. All I could think of then was what I was leaving behind, and what I didn't get to do, how I didn't get to live- instead of accepting my fate. Instead of realizing that even thought my life hadn't been all perfect happiness, I still had people that loved me- my friends, my parents... Wesley- and they would always love me. That was more than a lot of people get in a lifetime.
There should have been no regrets. No sad goodbyes. I should have just let go, but I didn't. My last words should have been 'I love you.'
For a long time I wouldn't let myself accept what had happened, but after the initial shock of actually having a life, or something like it, after death, I began to realize that I had to let go. I had to realize that as untimely and unjust my death had been not just for me, but for those around me, I had to move on, and move forward, even if it was in this... hellish place. I couldn't simply hold on to empty dreams that would destroy me in the end...
And now, here I was, in the middle of hell, staring at the face of a lost love. The bitterness had been long gone, and now salty tears and soft kisses had replaced it.
I guess we had been meant to be after all, for even death couldn't separate us for long. Or hell itself.
I listened to his words, cherishing every single syllable... my body trembling beneath his embrace. There was so much I wanted to say to him, and yet, he had said it all. There was nothing but love, and the realization that we had both gotten a second chance at it.
"Oh, my love... I missed you so much! I thought- I thought I had lost you forever. Oh Wesley, I love you... my love, my Wesley, I love you so much."
The world seemed to be spinning off of it's axis, or maybe in this hell-like place, there was no axis, because a myriad of emotions flowed through my body and still, the tears wouldn't stop flowing.
The world, or more accurately, my head was spinning, and I didn't ever want it to stop, as we were involved in a passionate embrace, a passionate kiss, and whatever else happened around us now was of no consequence. All that mattered was that I was here and that I was here and in Fred's arms.
The moment could have gone on forever, our tongues lapping with each other's, our nose pressed together, emotions that were made for sad love songs encompassing me.
I had questions, oh so many questions, knowing that she had likely been here for months now, bit I just couldn't get to them right now.
Now, was about Wesley and Fred. Now was about three years of intense want with only a trace of the beauty that could have been the two of us being realized before we were dead.
Questions, yes, I had them, but if this was hell, then hell was bliss. Locked in a kiss, our bodies pressed together, I didn't feel like talking.
After all the pain, and after all the tears, all that was left was he. There were no more feelings of regret, or what ifs. There was only us now...
In death...
I pulled away and looked into his eyes, seeing the old familiar comfort that I always got as I stared into them. The moment seemed to last forever... a lifetime. It almost seemed as if though we had never been apart.
Brining my hand up to his face, I began to trace his brow and then moved down to his jaw line and finally, I was able to smile.
"I never thought that I would get to see you again," I said softly. "And yet here you are... I'm almost afraid to ask how..."
I smiled. It was one of those smiles that came about when covering tears, or trying to rid them, and it came across as hilarity.
"You were there for my death, Fred. Well.....not you, exactly, but Illyria came to my side and brought back memories that were yours and I got to die with the woman that I loved..."
I had to arret that diatribe. I realized fully, after saying it, that Illyria's ability to recall Fred's memories may have been intrusive to Fred, and certainly bloody well was unbeknownst to her.
What did it matter, really? We were both seemingly dead. Dead and together.
"The story of my death started with Cordy and didn't stop until well after Illyria had robbed us of you. First of all, there are some things about your death that you should know. There were two people directly involved in it that you were close to. One of them was an utter weasel. Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it to be released so that he wouldn't lose all of his knowledge, so that he could get an upgrade. One, Charles Gunn, whom I stabbed for his part in it..."
She looked at me with awe, there was so much more to tell.
When the fog cleared, I could see him clearly... and it, it was really him. My Wesley. He was here, he was a- no, not alive... We weren't alive, but he was here.
"Fred?"
His voice... it was just as I remembered it. Just like I remembered. I couldn't help but think back to those last few moments, the look in his face, the way he held me, so still, so close to his heart.
I almost flinched when his hand touched my face, and I couldn't help the tears that were beginning to spill. I could feel my body trembling; I couldn't believe he was here.
"Wesley?" I asked again, but I didn't need any more reassurance... it was him; it was really him and not just some figment of my imagination.
I hugged him tight, and cried on his shoulder, happy to see him, happy that he still remembered me, just happy...
"Wesley- I... I've missed you," I said between sobs. "Oh my Wesley... I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I put you through. I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger than I was..."
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I then wasted no time, and kissed her, being able to kiss her, and not have it be Illyria on the other end pretending to be Fred.
Then, something did occur to me. Maybe it was Illyria? Maybe she had suffered the same fate as I had? Blast! How could I be so bloody daft?
I backed away from her. It wasn't that I hated Illyria, other then the fact that she had taken Fred from me.
I was just irritated that I just walked up and kissed her without knowing for sure, or without thinking about it. This wasn't heaven. This was hell. Fred had never done anything remotely worthy of having her sent to hell.
My face crinkled up. I got serious. "Show me your face, Illyria."
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I kissed him back with the same passion. Our time had been cut short, and now by unknown reasons we were back together, getting a second chance at... love? Yes- that what this was. A second chance.
But just like that, in a blink of an eye, he began to push me away. I looked at him with furrowed brows, feeling the sting of rejection. At first I didn't understand why he would push me away.
But soon it became clear... "Show me your face, Illyria."
"Wesley, I- I am not... Illyria. It's me Fred." I said taking a few steps towards him. "Please, Wesley, you have to believe me. I am not, I am not her. Please..." I took his hand, and look into his eyes.
How could I make him understand that it was me? This was truly hell, I was in hell, and nothing here was ever easy. I was in hell.
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I wanted it to be her, eyeing her cautiously.
I walked around her, noticing that she was acting exactly like Fred would, and it was clear right now that I was obviously frightening her.
"The Winifred Burkle that I know would never be deserving of such a place that we currently are, meanwhile the Goddess Illyria killed and maimed thousands. How do you explain your presence here, if you are Fred? What possibly could you have done to come here?"
I had one thing in mind, and it did make a little sense, although she was not the killer. I was hoping that her feelings for this were so deep, that not even Illyria would have picked them up out of Fred's memories.
I so wanted it to be Fred.
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But now... Wesley... he was here. Was this even real? Was this something I was just imagining out of loneliness? No, this was real. He was here. After the initial shock of seeing him, it made me almost sad to see him here, because it meant only one thing, he was dead too. He had died.
I had wanted him to live, to have the life that we never had a chance to live. After getting over the fact that my death had been unfair, and that I should be there with him, I came to realize that all I really wanted for him to do was to live. To be happy. To try, and just be happy, even if it was without me.
Guess things don't quite work out that way for some of us. For the best of us.
I looked at him, sadness in my face, as he circled me, cold, and distant... Not quite what I had in mind if I ever met him in heaven, but that was not where we were, and we weren't living in a fairy tale world.
"The Winifred Burkle that I know would never be deserving of such a place that we currently are, meanwhile the Goddess Illyria killed and maimed thousands. How do you explain your presence here, if you are Fred? What possibly could you have done to come here?"
My face grew cold, hard... just like the one he had seen only once before. I looked down, thinking back to the moment when I opened the portal. If Gunn hadn't stepped in, I would have killed Siedel, and tossed him into the portal. No regrets. Not even now, as I was thinking it... I didn't have any regrets-- but only one. Letting Gunn do what I should have done instead. And that was the only regret I had out of the whole thing.
"Siedel..." I whispered. I didn't know if he had heard me, and maybe he didn't.
I finally looked up at him, crossing my arms... I guess even the dead had feelings.
"Remember what you said to me Wesley on that night? You said, 'Vengeance will have a price - and once you've acted you can't go back. You'll have to live with your actions forever.' Remember?" I knew he did. But I wasn't finished.
I loved him with all my heart, and he knew me, he really knew me, better than anyone, there never were any secrets between us- ever, not even now... not even in death. "It should have been me... I should have been the one to kill Siedel, not Gunn. Not him." I looked down and smiled, sadly. "I guess I never really forgave him for that."
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And, Illyria would definitely not have taken the feelings of Charles into consideration, whether they be negative emotions or positive emotions.
I looked her in the eye. Her face was pained, cold, distant, and at least in part, right now, I was responsible for that.
We were both dead, very dead, but in the same place. It was foolish of me to even consider that Illyria would be dead in the same place that I would be, and it was crazy for me to believe that Ilyria, Spike and Angel, and possibly even Gunn, wouldn't have made it out of whatever battle awaited them
I was weak and had underestimated my foe. I deserved to die for being so careless.
That didn't matter now, though, as a smile came over my face in front of her, my hands going to her face.
"Fred..." was all that I could say, as my lips went to hers, my hands still gently squeezing hers. "I should have known that when I died, I would be reunited with you."
I kissed her more passionately, discounting any thoughts that she might not want me to. I would deal with the ramifications of that after the sweet kiss.
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It was true what I had said about not really forgiving Charles for killing Seidel. It was the reason why he and I could never work out after that. Charles never understood, he always saw me as this sweet and sometimes crazy person that could do no wrong in the world. But that wasn't me, that wasn't always me.
However, I had never admitted that to anyone. Not even Wesley, even though he was the only one that really allowed me to be who I was without really questioning my innocence.
Wesley and I... we were a lot a like.
I knew that now, after all this time spent in hell. I realized that he and I carried in us this certain kind of darkness that not a lot of people had, or that not a lot of people wanted to have. For me, innocence was lost the moment I set foot in Pylea. And Wesley knew that.
"Fred..."
I smiled, feeling relieved.
"I should have known that when I died, I would be reunited with you."
He didn't give me time to say anything, he simply kissed me... kissed me the way I had imagined it would be, should we ever meet again. For a moment I thought that this... everything that was happening was nothing more than a dream. But it wasn't. This was the real deal.
"Wesley, my Wesley," I said with a smiled. Who would have thought that I would be reunited with my one true love in hell... out of all places.
I hugged him again. I wasn't gonna let go, not this time. This time I was gonna stay. We were both dead, we had both here, together in death.
"Wesley, how? I- I've missed you. All this time... I've missed you." I couldn't form any other words and yet there was so much I wanted to say. There was so much that I wanted him to know. But for now... this was simply okay.
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She was about to ask me how, but as knowledged and as read as I was, I had no idea how this was possible.
Vail had killed me. I had died on that cold floor of the ancient warlocks home and Fred had died in my arms in her apartment.
The only connection between the two events, logical of religious elemnts aside, was Illyria.
"I don't know how, my love. I don't know how we are here, or where we are, and I seriously doubt that I will, that we will be able to research any of this. We're both dead and yet, here we are, able to kiss each other, able to feel. As much as I wish that Illyria hadn't taken you and that I hadn't died and we could be down on Earth, fighting with Angel, Spike, Gunn and ...and the one that took you, I am equally as glad that I am here with you in death...."
I kissed her again, thinkin about the ramifications of this all. It wasn't an utterly joyous moment until I considered that this might be what death was like an that being with Fred after death meant that death was bliss.
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And nothing could have prepared me for the torrent of emotions that were about to spill like a broken petri dish on the lab floor.. Ours was a tragic love, if there was ever such a thing in real life, it was one that never could- that was doomed from the beginning due to 'pre-destined' circumstances, and when it finally did connect and became what we thought would be forever, it was too late...
But not anymore. Now we had an eternity to make up for lost time, an eternity to take back what we had lost.
I swallowed hard as he spoke to me, the old familiar comfort in his voice returning, masking the obvious surge of emotions he too was feeling.
He kissed me again and for that very moment, I forgot I was in hell. For that one moment, when his lips connected to mine sending something that I can only describe as electricity through my lifeless body, I felt like heaven, so a live, so happy...
"Wesley I missed you," I said trying not to cry, trying not to let the emotions get the best of me, but it was already too late for that.
"I never thought I'd see you again, I was lost again... I had lost you forever, and- and I'm sorry, I'm sorry because... there is so much that I should have done when we were a live..." I needed to tell him this, because I had been holding on to it ever since my death, because down here I had all the time in the world to think about things like this.
"I could have given us more time together and instead I waited, waited until it was too late, and- I'm sorry for dying and leaving you- broken hearted, I'm sorry that I couldn't be stronger for you, I'm sorry that I wasn't careful... that my curiosity got the best of me. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay with you..."
After all was said and done, I felt ten tons lighter... I thought I had gotten over all of that, that I had made my peace with everything, but I had held on to that for so long, and now, there was nothing left but the love, nothing left but Wesley.
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I pulled away from her, tears overtaking me, death not making pain any less. A torture of being in hell, possibly, but I didn't think so. It was simply a case of it being the most important thing to me, everything that she had mentioned was true and yet it wasn't.
I pressed my nose against hers, my hands on either side of her face, trying to get the tears away from me, away from my mist-clouded eyes.
"None of it matters, Fred. We have each other now, and you could never fail me. You couldn't convince me that our waiting was a bad thing, for when we became real, it was the single greatest moment of my life, no matter how brief it was. You were taken by Illyria because of your curiosity to understand things, because of your cusriosity at what made things work, and how they functioned, I could no sooner hold that against you, then I could your great beauty..."
I kissed her again, thinking about the day she had died, all of the things that had happened, Gunn's part in it all, and Angel's unwillingness to take thousands of lives to save hers. The tears flowed so readily, that I couldn't contain them, and started to wail, openly, like a child.
"I have you back now and though we are both dead, I would rather be dead with you then alive without you..." I felt embarrassed to admit that, for I hadn't intended upon letting Vail kill me, but it was the truth. Every solemn word of it.
My tears continued to flow, mixing in our mouthes as we kissed.
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Maybe it had been there because in the end, in those last precious moments of my life, I couldn't accept what was happening, and my actions wouldn't let Wesley accept it either. All I could think of then was what I was leaving behind, and what I didn't get to do, how I didn't get to live- instead of accepting my fate. Instead of realizing that even thought my life hadn't been all perfect happiness, I still had people that loved me- my friends, my parents... Wesley- and they would always love me. That was more than a lot of people get in a lifetime.
There should have been no regrets. No sad goodbyes. I should have just let go, but I didn't. My last words should have been 'I love you.'
For a long time I wouldn't let myself accept what had happened, but after the initial shock of actually having a life, or something like it, after death, I began to realize that I had to let go. I had to realize that as untimely and unjust my death had been not just for me, but for those around me, I had to move on, and move forward, even if it was in this... hellish place. I couldn't simply hold on to empty dreams that would destroy me in the end...
And now, here I was, in the middle of hell, staring at the face of a lost love. The bitterness had been long gone, and now salty tears and soft kisses had replaced it.
I guess we had been meant to be after all, for even death couldn't separate us for long. Or hell itself.
I listened to his words, cherishing every single syllable... my body trembling beneath his embrace. There was so much I wanted to say to him, and yet, he had said it all. There was nothing but love, and the realization that we had both gotten a second chance at it.
"Oh, my love... I missed you so much! I thought- I thought I had lost you forever. Oh Wesley, I love you... my love, my Wesley, I love you so much."
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The world, or more accurately, my head was spinning, and I didn't ever want it to stop, as we were involved in a passionate embrace, a passionate kiss, and whatever else happened around us now was of no consequence. All that mattered was that I was here and that I was here and in Fred's arms.
The moment could have gone on forever, our tongues lapping with each other's, our nose pressed together, emotions that were made for sad love songs encompassing me.
I had questions, oh so many questions, knowing that she had likely been here for months now, bit I just couldn't get to them right now.
Now, was about Wesley and Fred. Now was about three years of intense want with only a trace of the beauty that could have been the two of us being realized before we were dead.
Questions, yes, I had them, but if this was hell, then hell was bliss. Locked in a kiss, our bodies pressed together, I didn't feel like talking.
Too much tome had already been lost.
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In death...
I pulled away and looked into his eyes, seeing the old familiar comfort that I always got as I stared into them. The moment seemed to last forever... a lifetime. It almost seemed as if though we had never been apart.
Brining my hand up to his face, I began to trace his brow and then moved down to his jaw line and finally, I was able to smile.
"I never thought that I would get to see you again," I said softly. "And yet here you are... I'm almost afraid to ask how..."
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"You were there for my death, Fred. Well.....not you, exactly, but Illyria came to my side and brought back memories that were yours and I got to die with the woman that I loved..."
I had to arret that diatribe. I realized fully, after saying it, that Illyria's ability to recall Fred's memories may have been intrusive to Fred, and certainly bloody well was unbeknownst to her.
What did it matter, really? We were both seemingly dead. Dead and together.
"The story of my death started with Cordy and didn't stop until well after Illyria had robbed us of you. First of all, there are some things about your death that you should know. There were two people directly involved in it that you were close to. One of them was an utter weasel. Knox was one of Illyria's acolytes and had ordained you to be the one to become her, he said, because he wanted someone as majestic as you to be the vessel for Illyria to return. His plans met a snag in customs when the sarcophagus that infected you, was held there, only it was released by someone who made a deal for it to be released so that he wouldn't lose all of his knowledge, so that he could get an upgrade. One, Charles Gunn, whom I stabbed for his part in it..."
She looked at me with awe, there was so much more to tell.
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