awkward yellow, cerulean blue tint and peach
walking away from an awkward yellow shirt down a hill another thought crossed my mind when random violent movie rehearsals play in my head on easy days with perfect weather: blue skies with enough clouds to gaze at, cool gentle winds but nevertheless warm and sunlight soft but bright enough to make everything glow- i figured if i ever get the chance to be dramatic in front of the Toad at a bar it will not be the nice pint of beer that I will smash on the table which is awkward for small hands like mine, but perhaps I can be calculated enough to order a bottle of peach bacardi breezer and smash that instead. when i first met him i wore the same cerulean blue tint top that i am wearing and he gave me two peach bacardi breezers. I used to think nice big boots to bash a skull would be good, perhaps we can use both so memo for movie props: big steel toe army boots and a peach bacardi breezer.
i don't feel crushed and awkward as i did a while ago against the even more awkward bright yellow shirt wrapping my muse, a new muse and small eccentric mountain -for half the day everything came out in half phrases and sentences throwing snippets of thoughts in the air that i didn't know how to sew and I still can't figure out. it is difficult trying to work out the right ways to behave and perform in communities of imagined kinships and ties-we have them when we have no other family around. i know i am too easy with flesh in cuddling and adoring people-but still i'm a paranoiac and feel that with personal and community ties i can't even kiss anyone except the person i will marry. I know I need serious therapy on this. it's no good designating someone as a muse and then feeling obliged to stay good on both sides for the possibility that i become a sister in law through community kinship to him instead. why couldn't a muse be sent from a different tribe or region instead dammit? and why am i even writing some friggin angsty elchay entry like some high school teenager? i need to grow up.
meanwhile, chilling out with a muse up to today has been good-5 days of doing nothing really but allowing myself to be zoned out talking about nothing in particular and ignoring pending work. i have been soooo exhausted running around for highly disorganised projects to the point of not eating properly etc, making myself ill and all of it pretty aimless when there are things I really need to sort out. it's been a month and i haven't sorted out how to finance my MA, how to get a new job and finally find a place and then how to be able to make the time to finally paint like i've said all along. as much as i can gel with my creative partner, the break from him too has been good for our projects because it got to the point where i felt i was doing most of the work and spending so much because of it; i mean thank God I'm homeless and don't pay rent otherwise i wouldn't have any money to inject into some ventures. so far have a deal to run a kitchen in SoHo too-sounds very cool but it's gonna take a lot of time, and nice as the money will be-my goal is to give myself the time to pursue the academia and the arts. i'm not patient enough to wait around til next year and gather money for that or run a business.
ok time to continue zoning out and also not stress about exactly where my tom ze cds have gone. at least one thing i've done is manage to get rid of my jewel cd cases to make space for more albums and am glad that the cd burner is working fine and dandy on the new computer in the office.
tonight i shall chill out even more, this time by myself, write, doodle, listen to music and be melancholic and tomorrow it's gonna be steam ahead for a few more weeks.
i don't feel crushed and awkward as i did a while ago against the even more awkward bright yellow shirt wrapping my muse, a new muse and small eccentric mountain -for half the day everything came out in half phrases and sentences throwing snippets of thoughts in the air that i didn't know how to sew and I still can't figure out. it is difficult trying to work out the right ways to behave and perform in communities of imagined kinships and ties-we have them when we have no other family around. i know i am too easy with flesh in cuddling and adoring people-but still i'm a paranoiac and feel that with personal and community ties i can't even kiss anyone except the person i will marry. I know I need serious therapy on this. it's no good designating someone as a muse and then feeling obliged to stay good on both sides for the possibility that i become a sister in law through community kinship to him instead. why couldn't a muse be sent from a different tribe or region instead dammit? and why am i even writing some friggin angsty elchay entry like some high school teenager? i need to grow up.
meanwhile, chilling out with a muse up to today has been good-5 days of doing nothing really but allowing myself to be zoned out talking about nothing in particular and ignoring pending work. i have been soooo exhausted running around for highly disorganised projects to the point of not eating properly etc, making myself ill and all of it pretty aimless when there are things I really need to sort out. it's been a month and i haven't sorted out how to finance my MA, how to get a new job and finally find a place and then how to be able to make the time to finally paint like i've said all along. as much as i can gel with my creative partner, the break from him too has been good for our projects because it got to the point where i felt i was doing most of the work and spending so much because of it; i mean thank God I'm homeless and don't pay rent otherwise i wouldn't have any money to inject into some ventures. so far have a deal to run a kitchen in SoHo too-sounds very cool but it's gonna take a lot of time, and nice as the money will be-my goal is to give myself the time to pursue the academia and the arts. i'm not patient enough to wait around til next year and gather money for that or run a business.
ok time to continue zoning out and also not stress about exactly where my tom ze cds have gone. at least one thing i've done is manage to get rid of my jewel cd cases to make space for more albums and am glad that the cd burner is working fine and dandy on the new computer in the office.
tonight i shall chill out even more, this time by myself, write, doodle, listen to music and be melancholic and tomorrow it's gonna be steam ahead for a few more weeks.