slut pink and all more shades of pink
no matter how you cover up some men still see the tits and arse- their brains in wanting to shag hence everyone must feel that way mode. it does not make sense when the impressions i tried to create in one extreme nevertheless still created space for rumours in the other. it doesn't make sense if you consciously don't wear lipstick in front of people they look at you and they think you are wearing the sluttiest hot pink gloss. pink not red, the barbie-barely-legal-freshman-frat-girl-porn star shade, a hot young fresh colour that glosses shiny like the thought of wet cum wanting to be fingered under a short denim skirt. At least red is a woman's colour, no matter how scarlet.
i feel like a rubbish heap gets dumped on me full of sticky pink candy wrappers and carelessly discarded slippery condoms when i hear rumours of being some kind of slut. the gossip works its ways through its channels in such extraordinary ways creating baseless statements- this week i have found out that circles of people belonging to the lowest common denominator of the slightest fractions of an acquaintance relationship to me believe 1) that i am having an affair with a nomad and 2) meanwhile i have been shagging around with a guy i consider the ideal brother.
anger could be boiling red but bubbling like cinammon bubblegum it is more pink furious.
its not that were i having an affair or shagging someone it is no ones business anyway but to be seen in such pornographic light pisses me off as if i've been sexually harassed. for record i have not and am not having an affair and i've never so much as even kissed that brother- sure i see these men time to time and am closer to them than others but whenever i with them in public dressing and acting like a butch lesbian tomboy on purpose to deter any sexual attention-the very public and circles that surround them are blinkered to looking at virtual mini skirts on me. I don't think getting a crew cut would even place a dent in their stupid minds that i'm not a lustful hunting loose girl constantly on the pull. it just doesn't make sense but then people with sense wouldn't think that way anyway.
its not that easy to block these rumours out and shrug them off as nonsense because in circles of people i move around in, people i know and don't know-the rumours can create impressions and judgemental actions. i think the poor guy who supposedly had an affair with me is in deep shit with his wife- even if she will come to find out it ain't true or has found out- that so called tip off to her has just brought out a lot of uneccesary pain, hurts and arguments that i'm feeling paranoid and guilty over something i didn't do- i'm feeling guilty that maybe this guy is getting a lot of grief because of me so it sucks since we have to cool the friendship for a while.
it is easy for people to say, well who cares if you do shag around. this brings me to another dot off a pink tangent because that sort of stuff has been echoed to me by people who celebrate shagging around. obviously they are comfortable with that, good for them- i was just really surprised though that these so called liberal people who endorse orgies, sandwiches and basically anything sexual of a heterosexual nature, when joking on a pass at me to join one of them for sex i replied well, if you shag another guy in front of me then i'll really get turned on- this comment when in conversation with a circle of 'free love' practioners (and I really do mean practioners)-they then expressed disgust and horror to such an idea. It was really disgust-sheesh if such a joke or comment turns one to be horrified so much i suppose one form of punishment to them would be to make them watch gay porn. i couldn't believe the stuff i was hearing-how Brokeback Mountain was a film that induce one to vomit, how male gay sex is unnatural and perverted, how its dirty to place a dick in an anus because its where you shit but somehow heterosexual anal sex is not dirty... i was just a bit taken aback by their emotional outrage and violence of statements. It makes homophobic sense when the average heterosexual (usually) male says omigod gay sex is just disgusting for me i can't ever bring myself to fantasize that way- but it makes less sense for those kind of statements to be coming from practioners of more extreme heterosexual sex that seem so liberal. its like a formula that the more extremely heterosexual in practice the more extremely homophobic. it was all a bit surreal.
then onto more surreal musings, i had a very surreal dream of he who i called toad having a conversation with me in mute and the both of us acting as if it was perfectly normal. looking back at entries in ossification i paste an old entry of the effect he had on me at times. sometime may last year of him I wrote:
Fuck you INCUBUS! You bone me and bone me and bone me. Wait til bit by bit my skeleton drinks my own salted waters to build flesh unto your shadow bones, and when your skins have smoothed out the shape of your arms, I will crack your bones.
Last last week I saw him at a party and I blanked him to the point I forgot he was there until someone reminded me again. then the dream where I wasn't doing anything like planning how to smash bottles into him. I take it all as a good sign. He was wearing a pink sleeveless top at the party , the same top then in the dream.
Anyway enough of that, i look forward to the blooming of pink blossoms, i fantasize about it so much its wierd i keep thinking, when is it gonna be spring- last week a big fat bumblebee waited for me on the way to the train station so i picked him up and placed him on rosemary flowers- and last month i saw one (the only one) blossom tree of this year- so it seems its all okay even though spring is moving terribly slow this year. is very pastel pink patience i'm waiting for yellow to burst.
i feel like a rubbish heap gets dumped on me full of sticky pink candy wrappers and carelessly discarded slippery condoms when i hear rumours of being some kind of slut. the gossip works its ways through its channels in such extraordinary ways creating baseless statements- this week i have found out that circles of people belonging to the lowest common denominator of the slightest fractions of an acquaintance relationship to me believe 1) that i am having an affair with a nomad and 2) meanwhile i have been shagging around with a guy i consider the ideal brother.
anger could be boiling red but bubbling like cinammon bubblegum it is more pink furious.
its not that were i having an affair or shagging someone it is no ones business anyway but to be seen in such pornographic light pisses me off as if i've been sexually harassed. for record i have not and am not having an affair and i've never so much as even kissed that brother- sure i see these men time to time and am closer to them than others but whenever i with them in public dressing and acting like a butch lesbian tomboy on purpose to deter any sexual attention-the very public and circles that surround them are blinkered to looking at virtual mini skirts on me. I don't think getting a crew cut would even place a dent in their stupid minds that i'm not a lustful hunting loose girl constantly on the pull. it just doesn't make sense but then people with sense wouldn't think that way anyway.
its not that easy to block these rumours out and shrug them off as nonsense because in circles of people i move around in, people i know and don't know-the rumours can create impressions and judgemental actions. i think the poor guy who supposedly had an affair with me is in deep shit with his wife- even if she will come to find out it ain't true or has found out- that so called tip off to her has just brought out a lot of uneccesary pain, hurts and arguments that i'm feeling paranoid and guilty over something i didn't do- i'm feeling guilty that maybe this guy is getting a lot of grief because of me so it sucks since we have to cool the friendship for a while.
it is easy for people to say, well who cares if you do shag around. this brings me to another dot off a pink tangent because that sort of stuff has been echoed to me by people who celebrate shagging around. obviously they are comfortable with that, good for them- i was just really surprised though that these so called liberal people who endorse orgies, sandwiches and basically anything sexual of a heterosexual nature, when joking on a pass at me to join one of them for sex i replied well, if you shag another guy in front of me then i'll really get turned on- this comment when in conversation with a circle of 'free love' practioners (and I really do mean practioners)-they then expressed disgust and horror to such an idea. It was really disgust-sheesh if such a joke or comment turns one to be horrified so much i suppose one form of punishment to them would be to make them watch gay porn. i couldn't believe the stuff i was hearing-how Brokeback Mountain was a film that induce one to vomit, how male gay sex is unnatural and perverted, how its dirty to place a dick in an anus because its where you shit but somehow heterosexual anal sex is not dirty... i was just a bit taken aback by their emotional outrage and violence of statements. It makes homophobic sense when the average heterosexual (usually) male says omigod gay sex is just disgusting for me i can't ever bring myself to fantasize that way- but it makes less sense for those kind of statements to be coming from practioners of more extreme heterosexual sex that seem so liberal. its like a formula that the more extremely heterosexual in practice the more extremely homophobic. it was all a bit surreal.
then onto more surreal musings, i had a very surreal dream of he who i called toad having a conversation with me in mute and the both of us acting as if it was perfectly normal. looking back at entries in ossification i paste an old entry of the effect he had on me at times. sometime may last year of him I wrote:
Fuck you INCUBUS! You bone me and bone me and bone me. Wait til bit by bit my skeleton drinks my own salted waters to build flesh unto your shadow bones, and when your skins have smoothed out the shape of your arms, I will crack your bones.
Last last week I saw him at a party and I blanked him to the point I forgot he was there until someone reminded me again. then the dream where I wasn't doing anything like planning how to smash bottles into him. I take it all as a good sign. He was wearing a pink sleeveless top at the party , the same top then in the dream.
Anyway enough of that, i look forward to the blooming of pink blossoms, i fantasize about it so much its wierd i keep thinking, when is it gonna be spring- last week a big fat bumblebee waited for me on the way to the train station so i picked him up and placed him on rosemary flowers- and last month i saw one (the only one) blossom tree of this year- so it seems its all okay even though spring is moving terribly slow this year. is very pastel pink patience i'm waiting for yellow to burst.