I hope you are better this morn... please don't be afraid to call hotline or go to hospital... I don't know you but I want to share some things from my life with you: in high school I experienced similar things with men, though no sex...more experimentation. but I didn't understand these same things either & I don't want to go into details other than to say that sometimes it haunts me still. but later in college it was sex, and with the wrong men (because not all men are like this) and life was completely confusing and so painful. I used drugs and alcohol, cut... I've been in the worst situations with people I didn't even know. I was really just killing myself slowly.
I had a very painful childhood and this set my brain up up to be wired this, like conditioning. but really everything i was trying to find in the world: love, acceptance, friendship and all that is something I had to give to myself. becoming pregnant was what saved my life then. I had someone to love unconditionally. I left that lifestyle. I still battled depression and other things but worked very hard to overcome them (alone). years later when my son tried to commit suicide by huffing gas and I found out he was using drugs it shocked me to my core...see I though if I raised him the opposite that my parents did and he always knew he was loved than he would never go through what I did... (heh, have gone on too long - cont. next comment)
if you don't want to read that &%*# version here it is correctly:merexcursionNovember 20 2007, 15:15:05 UTC
but since this I have learned many things: most importantly that me and my children (because so far they have all got some form of neurological problems/mental illness) cannot help it - these are biological problems, not because I (or my son) am a "bad person", undisciplined, "crazy" in the negative connotation (though i do call myself nuerotic cause I am comfortable with admitting it and understand it). and I did get married to a wonderful man who is very supportive, he came from an abusive family and also has signs of being aspergers, though he is very gentle and stable opposed to my mercurial moods. I also did not get with him til after I "got my life together" ( & swore off men :) although he was a friend for many many years.
...So..., I have ADD, and though you hear this talked about as just a small type of problem with being hyper or not being able to pay attention in class it is actually much more complicated and you do not grow out of it. you could call me "unipolar", meaning I don't get on a depression med, get better, and that's it. it will be a reoccurring cycle in my life. but I do not go manic or hypomanic. I also have many aspergers traits and I am currently researching sensory processing disorder and sensory integration dysfunction, a neurological wiring problem in the brain that can cause lots of troubles. but hey! -I'm smart and attractive and I think these things get overlooked in people like me because I have learned to cope so well...
the information, answers & help has come to me through my children, because although i'd let myself trek through mud up to my knees and keep saying "I can do it!!" (because I was taught that you know! by a family who has the same genetic disposition but that generation likes to put those things in the closet, say everything's fine, you're overreacting blah bah, & those in the family who can't and end up alcoholics are just "bad, spoiled, or irresponsible", and those institutionalized we just don't talk about. my mother confessed to me that she pulls out her lashes-tell more later-but only after my daughter stared doing it), but when it comes to my kids I'll do anything to make their lives...easier? help them! all my kids have some form of AD(H)D, my second son is aspergers / PDD, dysgraphia; my daughter has chronic tic disorder, possibly tourettes, trichotillomania/compulsive hair pulling (currently she has no eyelashes and eyebrows - this been hard for me to accept of my beautiful daughter :( who is only 9, anxiety and more than mild social anxiety, plus compulsive tendencies which is kind of part of the whole with those conditions. my youngest, 6, has already shown OCD symptoms...
I mention all this because - your thoughts and misunderstandings can be physical and neurological. I believe (and experts as well) that turning to drugs (and these types of relationships with men) frequently means there IS a chemical imbalance in the brain and you are trying to fix it the only way you know how. i currently take an antidepressant, antianxiety med and ADD med. and what an amazing difference it has made. i feel normal. i think normal. my mind doesn't hop on the hamster wheel... i hope maybe something I've shared will help, if not, hang in there - you are worth it. and your friend.
Maybe I am co dependent? Is that terrible if I am? I don;t think I can have a child. I am afraid of the pain. of child.. birth. BUT i have a dog.
better? blah. Not running around like a chicken without a head at the moment.. but not better. Emotionally lost. :( Maybe that's normal for the age of 23?
I don"t share to say you should do like me...but that, there may be reasons why you possibly are co-dependent or other that you aren't aware of and discovering & understanding those things is really empowering. if you are wanting to do a spell on a guy like that to keep him IMO then I know you are not seeing YOUR worth!
Life is filled with irony and paradoxes. Don't ask me why, but it is. When you are young, you are filled with too much emotion and not enough life experience to gain much in the way of wisdom. When you are old, (if you are fortunate) you have a reservoir of wisdom, but with little time and less energy to do anything with it. It’s not a lie to say that youth is wasted on the young. But it's also true that applying wisdom is equally wasted on the old.
So, what I am trying to tell you is that I can give you a slew of quotes or share my own life experiences with you, but the bottom line is there are some things you have to go through and GET through on your own to get your own life victory over tragedy and/or depression. You must cultivate, from within, a sense of peace. You have to find a place within you that you do not loath or feel disgusted by and nurture that space so that it can grow. Then when the outside world comes crashing down on you, there is a sanctuary within you that you can return to. It is a very hard thing to accomplish and there are no short cuts. You need to read books on spirituality and find a path for yourself to walk on or create your own path. You have to find other freaks and misfits like yourself. I don't use these terms in a derogatory way, as I am and have always considered myself a misfit or an outsider. My theme song in high school was the Doors' "People Are Strange". ;) I have found that outsiders tend to develop into individual thinkers. They are the opposite of herd animals. They strike out on their own and that means that they have less of a safety net and of a life-line than mainstream "normal" people do. But if you can get through it, then you also are given a boon. You will have developed a unique personality, become a free thinker and will be proud of the fact that you are different. You will feel as comfortable being solitary as you are with a group of friends. Finally, I am going to leave you with a quote from the great Spanish poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote of the benefits of adversity:
"What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are."
Some words for you to think about in your time of painhelios137November 22 2007, 16:30:00 UTC
Life is filled with irony and paradoxes. Don't ask me why, but it is. When you are young, you are filled with too much emotion and not enough life experience to gain much in the way of wisdom. When you are old, (if you are fortunate) you have a reservoir of wisdom, but with little time and less energy to do anything with it. It’s not a lie to say that youth is wasted on the young. But it's also true that applying wisdom is equally wasted on the old.
So, what I am trying to tell you is that I can give you a slew of quotes or share my own life experiences with you, but the bottom line is there are some things you have to go through and GET through on your own to get your own life victory over tragedy and/or depression. You must cultivate, from within, a sense of peace. You have to find a place within you that you do not loath or feel disgusted by and nurture that space so that it can grow. Then when the outside world comes crashing down on you, there is a sanctuary within you that you can return to. It is a very hard thing to accomplish and there are no short cuts. You need to read books on spirituality and find a path for yourself to walk on or create your own path. You have to find other freaks and misfits like yourself. I don't use these terms in a derogatory way, as I am and have always considered myself a misfit or an outsider. My theme song in high school was the Doors' "People Are Strange". ;) I have found that outsiders tend to develop into individual thinkers. They are the opposite of herd animals. They strike out on their own and that means that they have less of a safety net and of a life-line than mainstream "normal" people do. But if you can get through it, then you also are given a boon. You will have developed a unique personality, become a free thinker and will be proud of the fact that you are different. You will feel as comfortable being solitary as you are with a group of friends. Finally, I am going to leave you with a quote from the great Spanish poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote of the benefits of adversity:
"What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are."
I don't know you but I want to share some things from my life with you: in high school I experienced similar things with men, though no sex...more experimentation. but I didn't understand these same things either & I don't want to go into details other than to say that sometimes it haunts me still. but later in college it was sex, and with the wrong men (because not all men are like this) and life was completely confusing and so painful. I used drugs and alcohol, cut... I've been in the worst situations with people I didn't even know. I was really just killing myself slowly.
I had a very painful childhood and this set my brain up up to be wired this, like conditioning. but really everything i was trying to find in the world: love, acceptance, friendship and all that is something I had to give to myself.
becoming pregnant was what saved my life then. I had someone to love unconditionally. I left that lifestyle. I still battled depression and other things but worked very hard to overcome them (alone). years later when my son tried to commit suicide by huffing gas and I found out he was using drugs it shocked me to my core...see I though if I raised him the opposite that my parents did and he always knew he was loved than he would never go through what I did...
(heh, have gone on too long - cont. next comment)
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and I did get married to a wonderful man who is very supportive, he came from an abusive family and also has signs of being aspergers, though he is very gentle and stable opposed to my mercurial moods. I also did not get with him til after I "got my life together" ( & swore off men :) although he was a friend for many many years.
...So..., I have ADD, and though you hear this talked about as just a small type of problem with being hyper or not being able to pay attention in class it is actually much more complicated and you do not grow out of it. you could call me "unipolar", meaning I don't get on a depression med, get better, and that's it. it will be a reoccurring cycle in my life. but I do not go manic or hypomanic. I also have many aspergers traits and I am currently researching sensory processing disorder and sensory integration dysfunction, a neurological wiring problem in the brain that can cause lots of troubles. but hey! -I'm smart and attractive and I think these things get overlooked in people like me because I have learned to cope so well...
the information, answers & help has come to me through my children, because although i'd let myself trek through mud up to my knees and keep saying "I can do it!!" (because I was taught that you know! by a family who has the same genetic disposition but that generation likes to put those things in the closet, say everything's fine, you're overreacting blah bah, & those in the family who can't and end up alcoholics are just "bad, spoiled, or irresponsible", and those institutionalized we just don't talk about. my mother confessed to me that she pulls out her lashes-tell more later-but only after my daughter stared doing it), but when it comes to my kids I'll do anything to make their lives...easier? help them! all my kids have some form of AD(H)D, my second son is aspergers / PDD, dysgraphia; my daughter has chronic tic disorder, possibly tourettes, trichotillomania/compulsive hair pulling (currently she has no eyelashes and eyebrows - this been hard for me to accept of my beautiful daughter :( who is only 9, anxiety and more than mild social anxiety, plus compulsive tendencies which is kind of part of the whole with those conditions. my youngest, 6, has already shown OCD symptoms...
I mention all this because - your thoughts and misunderstandings can be physical and neurological. I believe (and experts as well) that turning to drugs (and these types of relationships with men) frequently means there IS a chemical imbalance in the brain and you are trying to fix it the only way you know how.
i currently take an antidepressant, antianxiety med and ADD med. and what an amazing difference it has made. i feel normal. i think normal. my mind doesn't hop on the hamster wheel...
i hope maybe something I've shared will help, if not, hang in there - you are worth it. and your friend.
Reply
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better? blah. Not running around like a chicken without a head at the moment.. but not better. Emotionally lost. :( Maybe that's normal for the age of 23?
Reply
Reply
Reply
So, what I am trying to tell you is that I can give you a slew of quotes or share my own life experiences with you, but the bottom line is there are some things you have to go through and GET through on your own to get your own life victory over tragedy and/or depression. You must cultivate, from within, a sense of peace. You have to find a place within you that you do not loath or feel disgusted by and nurture that space so that it can grow. Then when the outside world comes crashing down on you, there is a sanctuary within you that you can return to. It is a very hard thing to accomplish and there are no short cuts. You need to read books on spirituality and find a path for yourself to walk on or create your own path. You have to find other freaks and misfits like yourself. I don't use these terms in a derogatory way, as I am and have always considered myself a misfit or an outsider. My theme song in high school was the Doors' "People Are Strange". ;) I have found that outsiders tend to develop into individual thinkers. They are the opposite of herd animals. They strike out on their own and that means that they have less of a safety net and of a life-line than mainstream "normal" people do. But if you can get through it, then you also are given a boon. You will have developed a unique personality, become a free thinker and will be proud of the fact that you are different. You will feel as comfortable being solitary as you are with a group of friends. Finally, I am going to leave you with a quote from the great Spanish poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote of the benefits of adversity:
"What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are."
Reply
So, what I am trying to tell you is that I can give you a slew of quotes or share my own life experiences with you, but the bottom line is there are some things you have to go through and GET through on your own to get your own life victory over tragedy and/or depression. You must cultivate, from within, a sense of peace. You have to find a place within you that you do not loath or feel disgusted by and nurture that space so that it can grow. Then when the outside world comes crashing down on you, there is a sanctuary within you that you can return to. It is a very hard thing to accomplish and there are no short cuts. You need to read books on spirituality and find a path for yourself to walk on or create your own path. You have to find other freaks and misfits like yourself. I don't use these terms in a derogatory way, as I am and have always considered myself a misfit or an outsider. My theme song in high school was the Doors' "People Are Strange". ;) I have found that outsiders tend to develop into individual thinkers. They are the opposite of herd animals. They strike out on their own and that means that they have less of a safety net and of a life-line than mainstream "normal" people do. But if you can get through it, then you also are given a boon. You will have developed a unique personality, become a free thinker and will be proud of the fact that you are different. You will feel as comfortable being solitary as you are with a group of friends. Finally, I am going to leave you with a quote from the great Spanish poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, who wrote of the benefits of adversity:
"What is required of us is that we love the difficult and learn to deal with it. In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us. Right in the difficult we must have our joys, our happiness, our dreams: there against the depth of this background, they stand out, there for the first time we see how beautiful they are."
Reply
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