Every Little Memory (I Was With You)
A/N: Yeah so this is formatted funky cuz its three am here and I should be asleep. Just read it... I really hope you guys like it cuz this came straight out of wherever my head has been lately. That's the only explanation for it.
Edit: Forgot to credit the title. "Every Little Memory" is a line from the Nightwish song Rest Calm.
Regular font is Rachel. Bold is Santana. Italics are speaking. Italics at the very end are another character but I'm not spoiling it.
I was there with you when you laid her in the ground.
Well, the whole Glee club was there, but Noah and I were the only ones you would let near you.
The whole club but Artie.
If he got near you would have tried to kill him.
Again.
We all thought it was just because he took her from you. Later you told Noah and me the real reason.
He had really taken her from you. He had taken her from all of us. She left a note, one for her parents and one for you. You were shaking when you gave it to me, I had to read it aloud for Noah.
Santana.
I want you to know I love you, so, so much. I’m just so tired. My mom takes these pills so she can sleep, and that’s all I want. I just want to sleep. He called me stupid. Well, that’s not all, he called me other things, some I didn’t understand. Life just makes me feel sleepy lately, I don’t know why. Even trying to be happy all the time is hard. I don’t want people to think of me as stupid. I just want them to remember me smiling. When you dream, you’re in a whole new world.
I want to go live there. Where I’m not stupid, and I can be with all the people I love without people hating us. I think you were right, when you told me the world just wasn’t ready for someone like me. But I want you to keep kicking ass, S. Cuz one day we’ll be together and we’ll be happy.
The pills are making me tired now. Maybe when I wake up it’ll be in a happier world.
-Brit-Brit
P.S. Make sure you take care of Lord Tubbington for me.
You were shaking so much, I had to put my arms around you before I finished.
When I did Noah put his fist through your bedroom wall.
That’s when you started crying.
It was a year later. I was with you when Finnocence broke your heart for the last time.
He broke your arm. By accident, he said. He was just mad. It wouldn’t happen again.
You called me from the hospital.
I crawled in the hospital bed with you, like the night you and Puck slept beside me after we said good bye to Brit. I sang to you until you fell asleep, thanks to the meds. When the doctors told me you would probably be asleep for at least the next half a day, I called Puckerman.
When we found Finncompetent, I broke his face. By accident I said.
Puck broke a few ribs. By accident, again, of course.
We told him it would happen again if he ever laid a finger on you.
When you woke up, I was laying next to you. Puck was next to me in a chair, holding your good hand.
That’s the night I knew.
I was with you the night you changed your major; creative writing and pre-law.
It was the night you first kissed me.
My cast had barely come off, and it was the anniversary of Brittany’s funeral. I thought that you just missed her, wanted comfort.
It wasn’t until a week after that that you explained.
Brittany had told you the week before she died that she knew you liked me. You didn’t even know, and it wasn’t until you were done grieving her that you realized.
You loved her, but it was a different love.
Because you loved her so much, it didn’t make you love me any less. Because she loved you, you knew she wanted you to be happy. You were crying, but they were not sad tears. They were tears of someone who knew what it felt like to be loved beyond all reason, and only wanted a chance to show someone else what that felt like.
It was over quickly, and we simply smiled at eachother.
Then Noah walked into the apartment and we smiled at him. He sat down between us and threw an arm over both of us, and we simply cuddled up on either side of him, smiling at each other over his chest.
We knew we would be okay from then on out.
I was there with you when you won your first Tony. The whole club was there too, minus Wheels and Finnasshole.
It even felt like Brit was there, cheering for you along with me.
I sat on one side, and Puck sat on the other. Quinn, Tina, Mike, Sam. Even Mr. Schue and Matt had turned up. They were all around us.
When your name was called, I turned to you smiling and you kissed me. They caught it on live Television, and I didn’t even give a damn.
Well, I gave a damn, but it was more along the lines of, ‘Yeah, bitches, my wife is hot, and has a Tony award. Eat that.’
Puck hugged you before you got up, and then you made your speech. It was short, for once.
Well, short for a Rachel Berry-Lopez speech.
This is for my family. To my two fathers, who raised me to be a star. For my high school Glee club, all of whom turned out to support me, you guys taught me being a star wasn’t everything.
The head of my security detail, and my best friend, Noah Puckerman. You’ve saved me on more than a few occasions, not just from bad situations, but from bad decisions and from myself when I was feeling not good enough.
Also, to my beautiful wife, Santana Lopez, who taught me how to love something other than just my career. I love you, and for all that I’m grateful for this award, you made me realize that I don’t need it. All I need is to fall asleep in your arms every night I can, and wake up there every morning. I love you with all my heart, and I could not have done any of this without you. Nor would have wanted to. Everyone from the old days will be shocked to hear this, but you shouldn’t be. Neither should anyone who sees the way we look at each other. You are my world, my love. Thank you.
Lastly, to my friend Brittany Peirce, who could not be here in person tonight, though I know Santana and I feel you here with us every day. You helped inspire this roll, when I think back, I think you really were the smartest of all of us back then. All you wanted was to love and be loved. Well, you are. Rest in peace, Brit, and know this award is as much for you as it is for any of the others.
Before you got off the stage I was crying. By the time you got back, I still had tears in my eyes.
A simple thank you was all I needed to say. You knew what I meant.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for remembering her. Thank you for being such an amazing person.
Thank you for giving me the chance to say I love you every day.
I was there with you the second time we were together in a hospital.
It was the happiest day of my life. Better than the day I won that Tony.
I have never been more proud of you than I was that day. Not when you broke Finns face for me, though I am loath to admit that. Not when you came out to your parents. Not when I watched you walk across that stage, finally done with all the studying and madness of law school.
Noah was there too. Usually they only let one person in the delivery room, but you know no one goes up against me when I threaten to get the ACLU involved. He deserved to be there just as much as us. He didn’t get to see his first child grow up, and damned if I was going to let him miss our first child’s birth.
Just because we would be raising him, does not mean that he should have a father if Noah wants to be there, and he does.
You never looked as beautiful as you did with your hair pasted back with sweat with that tired grin on your face when they announced it was a boy. I looked up when they handed him to you. All three of us were crying. You were laughing your tired laugh, and Noah had quiet tears streaming down his face. He finally had a child he got to keep.
It surprised me that there was no fighting over it, and I told you that then later when I crawled into the bed with you and little Brett later that night. Noah had fallen asleep, this time holding your hand. His other rested on the side of the plastic basinet that held our son. The house was big enough for Noah to move into the third guest room, the first obviously having been turned into Brett’s new room.
You simply said that family should be together, before you fell asleep.
I never told you this, I suppose I should have before this, but I think I saw her that night. I was dosing off, so I cannot be completely sure, but a blonde girl, no more than seventeen, walked past the door and smiled in. I thought I imagined it, but I woke up several hours later and there she was, standing over Noah and the baby.
She leaned over and kissed them both on the head before I fell back asleep, but as I drifted off I swear I felt soft lips on my forehead and a weight leaning over me to reach you.
I was with you after his fifth birthday party. It was also the night you won your EGOT. The Emmy was for your portrayal as a victim on a hit cop show. It killed me to watch that episode, but I did anyway. We taped your acceptance speech and sent it in, but as we sat on the couch and watched, after Brett was in bed and our newest little girl was sleeping in your arms after her last feeding, I wasn’t expecting what I heard.
“Most people that know me will be absolutely shocked to find out I was not in the audience to accept this award, the last piece of my childhood dream.
And it is. It is a dream. I have everything I ever wanted, I love my life and my beautiful wife, the mother of my son and daughter, and their father who gave up his career to stay home with them while we both worked. I have a surprise for both of you today.”
You held up Brett, who when I saw him in this light he blew me away even more than the night I first got to hold him in my arms. I don’t know where he got those natural blonde streaks in his hair from, but they fit him just right. Dark skin like me, with your nose and pucks eyes, I don’t know how that happened either.
“What do you have to say to your mami, B?”
“Mommy and I love you Mami and Papa!”
He waved at the camera, and as it panned to the left I caught sight of a reflection in a mirror to your left. At first I simply thought that it was surprising they left that in the final edit, but then I saw blonde hair and blue eyes, just for a second. That’s when I knew.
She sent me to you. Or you to me. I don’t know which way was which. I had never felt much angst over the fact that we got together so soon after her death, but right then I knew why. She was out there watching and had made sure we made it. Made sure we were happy.
Even if we were a bit unconventional with the living situation, though B was never one for conventional anyway…
Most people will think this is a strange thought, but I know you will understand. I never loved you more than I did at that moment, sitting there on that screen holding our son, and sitting beside me grinning like an idiot.
I kissed you, and that was that.
I was with you the night our sixth grandchild was born. Brett’s third child was beautiful, and I never felt more fulfilled than that night.
I think we knew, even Noah. We were happy and it couldn’t be better than this. He came in from the other room as I lay down next to you. He didn’t even need to ask, just looked at us and we scooted over to make room for him in the over large bed. He had his own room, of course, but on nights that he felt particularly moved he came in here and asked if he could stay.
It was never a problem. He was still Noah, but he respected that you we’re not particularly in love with his male parts, even if you did love him. He respected the bond that we had, just as much as we knew he loved the both of us. So when he crawled in and wrapped his long arm over both of us, we just fell into a fitful sleep.
I should have know she wouldn’t have let it be any other way.
I was with you the night we three didn’t wake up. I was with you and that’s how it was supposed to be. I should have known, that it would be peaceful, just like her smile in my dreams. Just like her passing was. It was fitting.
“I was with you. You never really knew, but I was with you always. Just because I was not made for this world, for its meanness and pain, didn’t mean that I would leave you alone.
I was with you when you walked across McKinley’s stage, into the arms of the girl you loved. I knew you loved me then, but not in the way that mattered on this earth. I knew no one would understand, I knew even you didn’t. So I wanted you to be happy.
You were happy.
I was with you the night Brett was born, and the night Emily joined you.
Maybe I should have stayed. The world was ready by the time you came to meet me.
This was the way I made things though, and I never really left you.”
“I know Britt.” You said, your arm around Rachel. You would have had tears in your eyes if tears existed in this place.
“Thank you Britt.” Rachel had an arm around your waist.
“She loved you already. I just made some things a little smoother for you guys.”
“I love her still.” You said and kissed her. You knew I wouldn’t be jealous, because you had learned what I had so many years ago. I smiled and turned, opening my arms.
Noah, Puck, he looked confused. Then you looked around and saw him, knowing you weren’t ready to go forward without him. Rachel reached out her hand and she laced her fingers with his as you moved forward. As my arms encircled you, you laughed.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Well, you couldn’t believe in Unicorns and Leprechauns either. Even after Lord Tubbington pooped candy bars.” You all laughed, though it was the laugh of someone who had heard something spoken they had been waiting to hear for a lifetime. As Puck asked the question you were all wondering.
“Where exactly is here, Britt.”
“Where were supposed to be.” I said. “For now.”
“For now?” Rachel asked.
“Well, we have to wait for the others before we go to the next place.” Rachel looked up at me funny. You and Puck both had your arms around me and Rachel was holding on to the both of you. It felt like it was supposed to all those years ago.
“The others?” Your girl asked again.
“Yes. I think Quinn is next, but she won’t be here for a while.”
“Good.” You said. “I want some time with just you guys before the Ice Queen gets here.”
You laughed at your own joke, and your family joined in.
I leaned in to kiss you and when I pulled away, Rachel’s smile was only bigger and Puck had a familiar look on his face. You smacked him and kissed Rachel again, and I turned to show you.
Everything.
Edit: Forgot to credit the title. "Every Little Memory" is a line from the Nightwish song Rest Calm.
Regular font is Rachel. Bold is Santana. Italics are speaking. Italics at the very end are another character but I'm not spoiling it.
I was there with you when you laid her in the ground.
Well, the whole Glee club was there, but Noah and I were the only ones you would let near you.
The whole club but Artie.
If he got near you would have tried to kill him.
Again.
We all thought it was just because he took her from you. Later you told Noah and me the real reason.
He had really taken her from you. He had taken her from all of us. She left a note, one for her parents and one for you. You were shaking when you gave it to me, I had to read it aloud for Noah.
Santana.
I want you to know I love you, so, so much. I’m just so tired. My mom takes these pills so she can sleep, and that’s all I want. I just want to sleep. He called me stupid. Well, that’s not all, he called me other things, some I didn’t understand. Life just makes me feel sleepy lately, I don’t know why. Even trying to be happy all the time is hard. I don’t want people to think of me as stupid. I just want them to remember me smiling. When you dream, you’re in a whole new world.
I want to go live there. Where I’m not stupid, and I can be with all the people I love without people hating us. I think you were right, when you told me the world just wasn’t ready for someone like me. But I want you to keep kicking ass, S. Cuz one day we’ll be together and we’ll be happy.
The pills are making me tired now. Maybe when I wake up it’ll be in a happier world.
-Brit-Brit
P.S. Make sure you take care of Lord Tubbington for me.
You were shaking so much, I had to put my arms around you before I finished.
When I did Noah put his fist through your bedroom wall.
That’s when you started crying.
It was a year later. I was with you when Finnocence broke your heart for the last time.
He broke your arm. By accident, he said. He was just mad. It wouldn’t happen again.
You called me from the hospital.
I crawled in the hospital bed with you, like the night you and Puck slept beside me after we said good bye to Brit. I sang to you until you fell asleep, thanks to the meds. When the doctors told me you would probably be asleep for at least the next half a day, I called Puckerman.
When we found Finncompetent, I broke his face. By accident I said.
Puck broke a few ribs. By accident, again, of course.
We told him it would happen again if he ever laid a finger on you.
When you woke up, I was laying next to you. Puck was next to me in a chair, holding your good hand.
That’s the night I knew.
I was with you the night you changed your major; creative writing and pre-law.
It was the night you first kissed me.
My cast had barely come off, and it was the anniversary of Brittany’s funeral. I thought that you just missed her, wanted comfort.
It wasn’t until a week after that that you explained.
Brittany had told you the week before she died that she knew you liked me. You didn’t even know, and it wasn’t until you were done grieving her that you realized.
You loved her, but it was a different love.
Because you loved her so much, it didn’t make you love me any less. Because she loved you, you knew she wanted you to be happy. You were crying, but they were not sad tears. They were tears of someone who knew what it felt like to be loved beyond all reason, and only wanted a chance to show someone else what that felt like.
It was over quickly, and we simply smiled at eachother.
Then Noah walked into the apartment and we smiled at him. He sat down between us and threw an arm over both of us, and we simply cuddled up on either side of him, smiling at each other over his chest.
We knew we would be okay from then on out.
I was there with you when you won your first Tony. The whole club was there too, minus Wheels and Finnasshole.
It even felt like Brit was there, cheering for you along with me.
I sat on one side, and Puck sat on the other. Quinn, Tina, Mike, Sam. Even Mr. Schue and Matt had turned up. They were all around us.
When your name was called, I turned to you smiling and you kissed me. They caught it on live Television, and I didn’t even give a damn.
Well, I gave a damn, but it was more along the lines of, ‘Yeah, bitches, my wife is hot, and has a Tony award. Eat that.’
Puck hugged you before you got up, and then you made your speech. It was short, for once.
Well, short for a Rachel Berry-Lopez speech.
This is for my family. To my two fathers, who raised me to be a star. For my high school Glee club, all of whom turned out to support me, you guys taught me being a star wasn’t everything.
The head of my security detail, and my best friend, Noah Puckerman. You’ve saved me on more than a few occasions, not just from bad situations, but from bad decisions and from myself when I was feeling not good enough.
Also, to my beautiful wife, Santana Lopez, who taught me how to love something other than just my career. I love you, and for all that I’m grateful for this award, you made me realize that I don’t need it. All I need is to fall asleep in your arms every night I can, and wake up there every morning. I love you with all my heart, and I could not have done any of this without you. Nor would have wanted to. Everyone from the old days will be shocked to hear this, but you shouldn’t be. Neither should anyone who sees the way we look at each other. You are my world, my love. Thank you.
Lastly, to my friend Brittany Peirce, who could not be here in person tonight, though I know Santana and I feel you here with us every day. You helped inspire this roll, when I think back, I think you really were the smartest of all of us back then. All you wanted was to love and be loved. Well, you are. Rest in peace, Brit, and know this award is as much for you as it is for any of the others.
Before you got off the stage I was crying. By the time you got back, I still had tears in my eyes.
A simple thank you was all I needed to say. You knew what I meant.
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for remembering her. Thank you for being such an amazing person.
Thank you for giving me the chance to say I love you every day.
I was there with you the second time we were together in a hospital.
It was the happiest day of my life. Better than the day I won that Tony.
I have never been more proud of you than I was that day. Not when you broke Finns face for me, though I am loath to admit that. Not when you came out to your parents. Not when I watched you walk across that stage, finally done with all the studying and madness of law school.
Noah was there too. Usually they only let one person in the delivery room, but you know no one goes up against me when I threaten to get the ACLU involved. He deserved to be there just as much as us. He didn’t get to see his first child grow up, and damned if I was going to let him miss our first child’s birth.
Just because we would be raising him, does not mean that he should have a father if Noah wants to be there, and he does.
You never looked as beautiful as you did with your hair pasted back with sweat with that tired grin on your face when they announced it was a boy. I looked up when they handed him to you. All three of us were crying. You were laughing your tired laugh, and Noah had quiet tears streaming down his face. He finally had a child he got to keep.
It surprised me that there was no fighting over it, and I told you that then later when I crawled into the bed with you and little Brett later that night. Noah had fallen asleep, this time holding your hand. His other rested on the side of the plastic basinet that held our son. The house was big enough for Noah to move into the third guest room, the first obviously having been turned into Brett’s new room.
You simply said that family should be together, before you fell asleep.
I never told you this, I suppose I should have before this, but I think I saw her that night. I was dosing off, so I cannot be completely sure, but a blonde girl, no more than seventeen, walked past the door and smiled in. I thought I imagined it, but I woke up several hours later and there she was, standing over Noah and the baby.
She leaned over and kissed them both on the head before I fell back asleep, but as I drifted off I swear I felt soft lips on my forehead and a weight leaning over me to reach you.
I was with you after his fifth birthday party. It was also the night you won your EGOT. The Emmy was for your portrayal as a victim on a hit cop show. It killed me to watch that episode, but I did anyway. We taped your acceptance speech and sent it in, but as we sat on the couch and watched, after Brett was in bed and our newest little girl was sleeping in your arms after her last feeding, I wasn’t expecting what I heard.
“Most people that know me will be absolutely shocked to find out I was not in the audience to accept this award, the last piece of my childhood dream.
And it is. It is a dream. I have everything I ever wanted, I love my life and my beautiful wife, the mother of my son and daughter, and their father who gave up his career to stay home with them while we both worked. I have a surprise for both of you today.”
You held up Brett, who when I saw him in this light he blew me away even more than the night I first got to hold him in my arms. I don’t know where he got those natural blonde streaks in his hair from, but they fit him just right. Dark skin like me, with your nose and pucks eyes, I don’t know how that happened either.
“What do you have to say to your mami, B?”
“Mommy and I love you Mami and Papa!”
He waved at the camera, and as it panned to the left I caught sight of a reflection in a mirror to your left. At first I simply thought that it was surprising they left that in the final edit, but then I saw blonde hair and blue eyes, just for a second. That’s when I knew.
She sent me to you. Or you to me. I don’t know which way was which. I had never felt much angst over the fact that we got together so soon after her death, but right then I knew why. She was out there watching and had made sure we made it. Made sure we were happy.
Even if we were a bit unconventional with the living situation, though B was never one for conventional anyway…
Most people will think this is a strange thought, but I know you will understand. I never loved you more than I did at that moment, sitting there on that screen holding our son, and sitting beside me grinning like an idiot.
I kissed you, and that was that.
I was with you the night our sixth grandchild was born. Brett’s third child was beautiful, and I never felt more fulfilled than that night.
I think we knew, even Noah. We were happy and it couldn’t be better than this. He came in from the other room as I lay down next to you. He didn’t even need to ask, just looked at us and we scooted over to make room for him in the over large bed. He had his own room, of course, but on nights that he felt particularly moved he came in here and asked if he could stay.
It was never a problem. He was still Noah, but he respected that you we’re not particularly in love with his male parts, even if you did love him. He respected the bond that we had, just as much as we knew he loved the both of us. So when he crawled in and wrapped his long arm over both of us, we just fell into a fitful sleep.
I should have know she wouldn’t have let it be any other way.
I was with you the night we three didn’t wake up. I was with you and that’s how it was supposed to be. I should have known, that it would be peaceful, just like her smile in my dreams. Just like her passing was. It was fitting.
“I was with you. You never really knew, but I was with you always. Just because I was not made for this world, for its meanness and pain, didn’t mean that I would leave you alone.
I was with you when you walked across McKinley’s stage, into the arms of the girl you loved. I knew you loved me then, but not in the way that mattered on this earth. I knew no one would understand, I knew even you didn’t. So I wanted you to be happy.
You were happy.
I was with you the night Brett was born, and the night Emily joined you.
Maybe I should have stayed. The world was ready by the time you came to meet me.
This was the way I made things though, and I never really left you.”
“I know Britt.” You said, your arm around Rachel. You would have had tears in your eyes if tears existed in this place.
“Thank you Britt.” Rachel had an arm around your waist.
“She loved you already. I just made some things a little smoother for you guys.”
“I love her still.” You said and kissed her. You knew I wouldn’t be jealous, because you had learned what I had so many years ago. I smiled and turned, opening my arms.
Noah, Puck, he looked confused. Then you looked around and saw him, knowing you weren’t ready to go forward without him. Rachel reached out her hand and she laced her fingers with his as you moved forward. As my arms encircled you, you laughed.
“I can’t believe you’re here.”
“Well, you couldn’t believe in Unicorns and Leprechauns either. Even after Lord Tubbington pooped candy bars.” You all laughed, though it was the laugh of someone who had heard something spoken they had been waiting to hear for a lifetime. As Puck asked the question you were all wondering.
“Where exactly is here, Britt.”
“Where were supposed to be.” I said. “For now.”
“For now?” Rachel asked.
“Well, we have to wait for the others before we go to the next place.” Rachel looked up at me funny. You and Puck both had your arms around me and Rachel was holding on to the both of you. It felt like it was supposed to all those years ago.
“The others?” Your girl asked again.
“Yes. I think Quinn is next, but she won’t be here for a while.”
“Good.” You said. “I want some time with just you guys before the Ice Queen gets here.”
You laughed at your own joke, and your family joined in.
I leaned in to kiss you and when I pulled away, Rachel’s smile was only bigger and Puck had a familiar look on his face. You smacked him and kissed Rachel again, and I turned to show you.
Everything.