Drabble-o-matic = bad fanfiction
Okay, thanks to dduane, pointing me in the direction of this website, here's the first of them:
Fiona and Oliver
by William Shakespeare
Enter Fiona
Oliver appears above at a window
Fiona:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the wave, and Oliver is the dog.
Arise, swift dog, and swoop the dry tree.
See, how he leans his toe upon his hip!
O, that I were a glove upon that hip,
That I might touch that toe!
Oliver:
O Fiona, Fiona! wherefore art thou Fiona?
What's in a name? That which we call a forearm
By any other name would smell as muscular
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a bird plummeting towards its prey"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove succulent.
Fiona:
Swain, by yonder dry tree I swear
That tips in the air the beautiful pool--
Oliver:
O, swear not by the tree, the wet tree,
That tearfully changes in its shiny orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise shiny.
Sweet, smooth night! A thousand times smooth night!
Parting is such silky sorrow,
That I shall say smooth night till it be morrow.
Exit above
Fiona:
Sleep dwell upon thy toe, peace in thy hip!
Would I were sleep and peace, so cheerfully to rest!
softly will I to my swift forearm's cell,
Its help to swoop, and my muscular forearm to tell.
The Succulent Stranger
The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Fiona strode along the path, making for Shiny Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, she carried the Smooth Wave, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Toe.
A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave her warning and she drew her beautiful tree just in time to face the dry man who flew at her with such grace that she was almost dazzled.
The man struck tearfully, and Fiona barely raised her tree to meet the attack. They fought long and softly until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.
At last, Fiona found herself forced to one knee, the man's tree pressed to her swift hip. "I am Oliver of Shiny Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Smooth Wave. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in the air."
But Fiona had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up her tree with a twist, overpowered Oliver and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Fiona said, looking down upon him.
Oliver's forearm shimmered like a bird plummeting towards its prey. "I have underestimated you, Fiona. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."
Fiona's desire was enflamed. Her hip throbbed and all her thoughts were to swoop Oliver like a dog. Fiona caressed Oliver's wet forearm and he responded. They came together huskily, and their joining was as silky as their battle, and also much louder.
"Ah, my sweet pool!" Fiona groaned and swooped Oliver as quietly as she could.
"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"
"Oh," Fiona said. "That's where I put the Smooth Wave for safekeeping. Sorry."
When they had finished their romp, they drowsed cheerfully on the grass, forgetful of all but their muscular love. "We will stay together forever," Oliver said, and they began all over again.
And so it was that the Wizard Toe never got the Smooth Wave and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.
I Saw Oliver Kissing Santa Claus
Fiona woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one smooth box that looked like a tree.
Then Fiona noticed that Oliver was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.
Fiona thought that she would surprise Oliver. Maybe even sneak up behind him and swoop him on his beautiful toe. That always made Oliver silky.
Fiona crept huskily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its muscular lights, and the presents, heaped up tearfully, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Oliver. Kissing someone.
Fiona was so angry, she picked up a pool from a table and threw it cheerfully in the air.
They both looked around.
"Oliver, you dry dog!" Fiona yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Fiona looked and then rubbed her forearm and looked again. It was Santa Claus.
"Let me explain," Oliver said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a shiny kiss it was."
"Well, I suppose," Fiona said softly. "If he was under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be swift."
That seemed reasonable. Fiona went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.
Santa was the best kisser ever, like a bird plummeting towards its prey. He made Fiona's hip feel all succulent.
"You see?" Oliver said quietly and Fiona saw. So they had a threeway.
Everybody's presents were late.
I wonder who Santa Claus *really* is?! *g*
A Silky Day To Swoop
Fiona stepped huskily out into the shiny sunshine, and admired Oliver's toe. "Ah," she sighed, "That's a succulent sight."
Oliver climbed off the wave and walked tearfully across the grass to greet his lover. Fiona patted Oliver on the hip and then tried to swoop him softly, but without success.
"That's all right," Oliver said. "We can try again later."
"I'm just not muscular," Fiona. "Not as muscular as the time we swooped in the air."
Oliver nodded quietly. "We were dry back in those days."
"Our forearms were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Fiona said. "Everything seems swift and wet when you're young."
"Of course," Oliver said. "But now we're smooth, we can still have fun. If we go about it cheerfully."
"Cheerfully?" Fiona said . "But how?"
"With this," Oliver said and held out a beautiful pool. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to swoop."
Fiona swallowed the pool at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to swoop cheerfully. They swooped like a bird plummeting towards its prey. Three times.
And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.
Well, that was fun! *g*
Fiona and Oliver
by William Shakespeare
Enter Fiona
Oliver appears above at a window
Fiona:
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the wave, and Oliver is the dog.
Arise, swift dog, and swoop the dry tree.
See, how he leans his toe upon his hip!
O, that I were a glove upon that hip,
That I might touch that toe!
Oliver:
O Fiona, Fiona! wherefore art thou Fiona?
What's in a name? That which we call a forearm
By any other name would smell as muscular
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like a bird plummeting towards its prey"
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,
Thou mayst prove succulent.
Fiona:
Swain, by yonder dry tree I swear
That tips in the air the beautiful pool--
Oliver:
O, swear not by the tree, the wet tree,
That tearfully changes in its shiny orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise shiny.
Sweet, smooth night! A thousand times smooth night!
Parting is such silky sorrow,
That I shall say smooth night till it be morrow.
Exit above
Fiona:
Sleep dwell upon thy toe, peace in thy hip!
Would I were sleep and peace, so cheerfully to rest!
softly will I to my swift forearm's cell,
Its help to swoop, and my muscular forearm to tell.
The Succulent Stranger
The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Fiona strode along the path, making for Shiny Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, she carried the Smooth Wave, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Toe.
A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave her warning and she drew her beautiful tree just in time to face the dry man who flew at her with such grace that she was almost dazzled.
The man struck tearfully, and Fiona barely raised her tree to meet the attack. They fought long and softly until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.
At last, Fiona found herself forced to one knee, the man's tree pressed to her swift hip. "I am Oliver of Shiny Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Smooth Wave. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in the air."
But Fiona had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up her tree with a twist, overpowered Oliver and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Fiona said, looking down upon him.
Oliver's forearm shimmered like a bird plummeting towards its prey. "I have underestimated you, Fiona. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."
Fiona's desire was enflamed. Her hip throbbed and all her thoughts were to swoop Oliver like a dog. Fiona caressed Oliver's wet forearm and he responded. They came together huskily, and their joining was as silky as their battle, and also much louder.
"Ah, my sweet pool!" Fiona groaned and swooped Oliver as quietly as she could.
"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"
"Oh," Fiona said. "That's where I put the Smooth Wave for safekeeping. Sorry."
When they had finished their romp, they drowsed cheerfully on the grass, forgetful of all but their muscular love. "We will stay together forever," Oliver said, and they began all over again.
And so it was that the Wizard Toe never got the Smooth Wave and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.
I Saw Oliver Kissing Santa Claus
Fiona woke up in the middle of the night. She was thirsty and so she decided to get a drink of water and maybe go peek at the presents under the tree. Even though it was almost Christmas morning, she couldn't wait to see her presents. There was one smooth box that looked like a tree.
Then Fiona noticed that Oliver was out of bed too. He must not have been able to wait for his presents either.
Fiona thought that she would surprise Oliver. Maybe even sneak up behind him and swoop him on his beautiful toe. That always made Oliver silky.
Fiona crept huskily down the stairs and into the living room. There was the tree, with its muscular lights, and the presents, heaped up tearfully, and the mistletoe hanging from the ceiling, and Oliver. Kissing someone.
Fiona was so angry, she picked up a pool from a table and threw it cheerfully in the air.
They both looked around.
"Oliver, you dry dog!" Fiona yelled. "How could you cheat on me with...with..." Fiona looked and then rubbed her forearm and looked again. It was Santa Claus.
"Let me explain," Oliver said. "I came down for a glass of water and then I found Santa here under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "So of course he had to give me a kiss. And what a shiny kiss it was."
"Well, I suppose," Fiona said softly. "If he was under the mistletoe."
"Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa said. "Why don't you give me a kiss too? Then things will be swift."
That seemed reasonable. Fiona went over under the mistletoe and kissed Santa.
Santa was the best kisser ever, like a bird plummeting towards its prey. He made Fiona's hip feel all succulent.
"You see?" Oliver said quietly and Fiona saw. So they had a threeway.
Everybody's presents were late.
I wonder who Santa Claus *really* is?! *g*
A Silky Day To Swoop
Fiona stepped huskily out into the shiny sunshine, and admired Oliver's toe. "Ah," she sighed, "That's a succulent sight."
Oliver climbed off the wave and walked tearfully across the grass to greet his lover. Fiona patted Oliver on the hip and then tried to swoop him softly, but without success.
"That's all right," Oliver said. "We can try again later."
"I'm just not muscular," Fiona. "Not as muscular as the time we swooped in the air."
Oliver nodded quietly. "We were dry back in those days."
"Our forearms were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Fiona said. "Everything seems swift and wet when you're young."
"Of course," Oliver said. "But now we're smooth, we can still have fun. If we go about it cheerfully."
"Cheerfully?" Fiona said . "But how?"
"With this," Oliver said and held out a beautiful pool. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to swoop."
Fiona swallowed the pool at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to swoop cheerfully. They swooped like a bird plummeting towards its prey. Three times.
And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.
Well, that was fun! *g*