Harry Potter Fic - If I Ever Lose My Faith In You
Okay, this is the first part of a companion fic for kyizi's Snape/Hermione fic, Every Little Thing She Does is Magic. It follows Remus Lupin's and Harry Potter's points of view. This is the first chapter and is up to and including ELTSHIM Chapter 3, so you'll have to have read that far before you can read this.
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related items do not belong to me. None of the characters belong to me. Most of them are the brainchild of JK Rowling, and the others are those of Kyizi's. No copyright infringement intended. Title belongs to Sting.
Rating: PG-13 for the moment, although it will likely be raised for later chapters.
Spoilers: Philosopher's Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix, and Kyizi's fic, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."
Distribution: Please ask, the answer will likely be yes.
Feedback: As always. Yes, please. This is my first time writing from Remus' point of view, so I'd love to hear what you think.
Yahoo! Groups: Kyizific
Notes: This is a companion piece to Kyizi's fanfic, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic." You must read that before reading this, otherwise nothing will make sense. This chapter includes all the events in chapters 1-3 of "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic", so you'll need to read them first. The pairing in that is Snape/Hermione, and as such, there will be mention of that in this fic. If you don't like that, then I suggest you don't read it, although it has, almost, converted me to that pairing. There is no pairing in this fic (as yet).
Dedication: To kyizi, since she asked me to write it!
Special notes: I know that in an interview, JKR said that Remus was a half- blood, and so therefore would know quite a bit about the Muggle world, but Kyizi said in her first chapter that "he's having issues with the Muggle world" so I'm assuming that he's a pure-blood, and therefore doesn't really know much about Muggles.
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Part One: Remus
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Remus flopped down on the sofa, exhausted. He closed his eyes, but opened them again quickly when unwanted images raced through his mind. Pulling out his wand, he lit the fire, staring into it moodily for some time.
Finally, he pulled himself together enough to drag himself off the sofa and into the kitchen. He made himself a cup of tea, ignoring the pile of dishes in the sink. Staring blankly out of the window, Remus didn’t notice the tottering dishes until one, disturbed by his sleeve, fell onto the floor with a crash. Then, he jumped and dropped his mug as he spun round with his wand out.
It took him a full minute to realise what had happened. He repaired the smashed plate and dropped mug, and cleaned up the puddle of tea on the tiled floor. “This is ridiculous, Remus,” he muttered to himself. “You’re a nervous wreck. You need sleep.” There were many times that he had told himself that, but it made no difference. The more he slept, the more he dreamt. And he didn’t like his dreams.
“You need to talk to someone about this. You can’t go on alone,” his inner voice continued. Remus growled. He was extremely disconcerted that his inner voice sounded a lot like Sirius. “I have to go on alone, there is no one else,” Remus said aloud, making himself another cup of tea with shaking hands. “Great, I’m talking to myself again.”
Remus heated up the leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, and carried them into the living room. Curling up on front of the fire, he opened his case notes and began to read. The mission Dumbledore had sent him on was getting complicated, and Remus wanted to make sure that he had all the facts before barging in recklessly. “Although you’ve been doing a lot of that lately,” his inner voice argued.
Remus clamped down on the voice. He needed to get this work done now, despite being so tired. There was no way he was going to get himself killed because he didn’t know the facts. He’d seen things go wrong before, and he didn’t want to emulate his best friend. Remus growled one more. His thoughts were running away with him again.
He awoke some time later. The fire, enchanted to stay lit, roared merrily beside him, keeping his right side hot, almost to the point of scorching. His left side was somewhat colder. There was pale light coming through the closed curtains, and Remus surmised that it was early morning. Groaning, he lifted his head. Several papers stuck to the side of his cheek. He pulled them off, sure that there would be ink marks left on his skin.
Shaking his head at his stupidity - it had been years since he’d fallen asleep on top of notes - Remus made his way upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he could see that he was right. There, on his left cheek, were the words “in the ear”. A thought flitted through his mind, hearing the comments of James and Sirius the last time he’d awoken with writing on his face. Memories of his time at Hogwarts were resurfacing more and more, and Remus was having a harder time banishing them. Instead, he threw himself into his work. At least then his mind was occupied.
Remus expected the mirror to comment on this, until he remembered that it was a Muggle mirror, and he lived in a Muggle house. He still wasn’t used to living in the Muggle world. Getting to and from places was exceedingly difficult. He had placed Apparition wards around his house, so Apparating was out of the question. And his fireplace wasn’t connected to the Floo Network for security reasons. Portkeying had become very heavily regulated, and that meant that Remus had had to resort to the Muggle way of getting about.
He had considered buying a car, but it had been years since he’d driven - he’d learnt during his self-imposed exile from the Wizarding World after Sirius’ sentence - and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to endanger people every time he had to go to work. His dilemma had been solved when Dumbledore had given him a present. Sirius’ bike. It was the only thing, apart from his wand, that Remus possessed that was magical, although Remus didn’t dare fly it. Sirius was the only one who could actually get it to fly reliably every time he took to the air. How Hagrid had managed it fifteen years ago, Remus didn’t know. It was also the only thing that Sirius had left behind, aside from 12 Grimmauld Place.
Remus grimaced. Grimmauld Place. He had been asked to live there, but had declined. There was no way he was going to live there on his own. Sure, the Order met there and, for part of the summer, Harry lived there too, but for the majority of the time, Remus would have been the only one. It wasn’t until later that Tonks had decided to move in there, and by that time Remus had already bought his Muggle house. Still, with both himself and Tonks on Order duty, they would not have been likely to be in the house at the same time. He knew he couldn’t have handled living in the place that made Sirius who he had been when Remus had first met him. Being surrounded by images that reminded him of Sirius was a nightmare for Remus. How Sirius survived living in that house Remus did not know.
Facing demons, however, was something Remus was extremely adept at. After all, he had to face his every month. So, once again, he would steel himself to enter Sirius’ childhood home and report to the Order his findings, such as they were. Sighing, Remus ran his hands over his face. He noticed that they bore more scars than they used to, his face was more gaunt, and his hair greyer than ever. “That’s what you get for going on a mission with that slimy git, Snape,” his inner voice said.
Remus rolled his eyes. “All right, Sirius, will you please stop talking to me in my head!” Then he threw his arms up in the air. “I’ve completely lost it, I really have.” Another inner voice, which sounded much more like his own, said, “That’s what not getting enough sleep gets you. Now go to bed.” For once, Remus didn’t argue. He would need all the sleep he could get to face the Order later that day.
~*~*~*~*~
The meeting was over. Tonks had disappeared to rest - she looked as bad as he felt. Molly was cooking lunch whilst the Weasley children and Harry did more spring-cleaning.
After being shooed out the kitchen, Remus searched the house for the teenagers. Drawn to the living room by the sound of laughter, he watched through the doorway as Ginny and Harry pelted Ron with cushions. Ron was retaliating furiously and eventually cornered Ginny. Harry attempted to rescue her by pounding his cushion on Ron’s head. Just then, Harry’s cushion burst and feathers flew everywhere.
Remus grinned. The look on their faces was priceless. It reminded him of when James, Lily, and Sirius had had a pillow fight in their seventh year. By the time they had finished, the entire common room had been covered in feathers. Remus sobered immediately, and was only drawn out of his reverie by Harry touching his arm.
“All you all right, Remus?” the boy asked, the twinkle in his green eyes fading.
Remus pulled himself together and smiled. “Yes. Just reminiscing. I don’t suppose this,” he waved his hand to take in the feather-covered settee and floor, “was part of Molly’s spring-cleaning plans?”
Ron grinned ruefully and shrugged. Ginny smiled softly, her deep brown eyes sorrowful. Remus had noticed that Ginny’s eyes were always like that when she looked at him.
“Well, I suppose I’d better help you tidy up,” Remus said, smiling. He got out his wand, and helped, despite the protests from the teenagers. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing better to do. Besides, I haven’t seen you all summer.”
They gave in eventually, and the four of them worked hard until lunch was ready. Molly came into the living room to find it sparkling, the cushion repaired, and no trace of feathers anywhere. Ginny went off to wake up Tonks for lunch, and Remus, Harry, and Ron followed Molly back into the kitchen.
“How’s Buckbeak?” Remus asked, his mouth filled with bacon and eggs.
Harry grimaced. “Not too good.” He pulled up a sleeve to show a thin scar on his forearm. “He’s still not recovered. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Hagrid’s no help,” Ron added. “Every time he goes near Buckbeak, he bursts into tears.”
“He’s happier when Tonks goes to visit him,” Ginny said, “but of course, she can’t be there all the time.”
Tonks smiled tiredly. “Remus, perhaps you could…”
Remus held his hand up. “No, Tonks. I know what you’re going to ask me, and the answer is still no. I’m not living here. I’m perfectly happy where I am.”
“Are you?” his werewolf hearing picked up Tonks’ mutter, but he didn’t react.
“Have you seen Hermione recently?” Remus asked, changing the subject.
Harry shook his head, and Ron looked depressed. “Only once, but that was a while ago. She’s keeping to herself.”
“She’s probably still grieving,” Ginny pointed out.
“Have you seen her?” Harry asked, knowing that Remus lived close to Hermione.
Remus nodded. “I saw her last week. I had dinner with her and her aunt Linda. Who’s appetite is amazing. She’s reached the stage in her pregnancy where she’s craving all sorts of weird combinations. It was Marmite and chips last week.”
Everyone at the table bar Molly grimaced. “I craved charcoal when I was pregnant with Ron,” Molly said, a smile on her face.
Ron looked sick. “Charcoal?”
Ginny grinned. “Maybe that’s why you are the way you are,” she teased, ducking as Ron feigned hitting her.
Remus added, “Lily didn’t have any cravings. It was almost like she wasn’t pregnant at all. Although James did say she had mood swings. Sirius and I were forever getting calls for rescue missions.”
The table went silent for a moment, and then Ron asked, “So, how was she?”
Remus frowned, and then realised he was talking about Hermione. “She’s fine. Although throwing herself into her work. I’ve been tutoring her in Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts, at her insistence.”
“Why on earth would she want tutoring during the summer?” Ron asked, incredulous, forgetting that Hermione usually studied during the summer.
“Because she’s trying to keep her mind occupied,” Harry, Tonks, and Remus answered in unison.
Ron’s face became understanding. “Oh, right, of course.”
The rest of lunch was eaten in relative silence, and afterwards Remus, having offered to wash the dishes and having been declined, went up to see Buckbeak. The Hippogriff was indeed looking the worse for wear, although he did look considerably better than last year - Remus was sure that the presence of Harry and Tonks had encouraged the Hippogriff to continue living.
Remus spent the rest of the day with the creature. Before, he hadn’t even thought about the Hippogriff, and now he felt guilty. It hadn’t occurred to him that Buckbeak was going to be affected by the absence of Sirius.
“You were being really close-minded, Remus,” his inner Sirius said. “You thought my death affected only you. Look at Harry, he’s lost his parents, and then his godfather. You’re the only one left to keep an eye on him.”
“Harry’s got Ron and Hermione, and the rest of the Weasleys,” Remus retorted.
“What about Tonks? She’s only a young Auror, and you know she loved me. Us rebellious Blacks had to stick together.”
Remus smiled slightly. “But still, first James and Lily, and then you, and then Peter, and then you again. Sirius, I can’t think about anyone else any more. I can’t lose anyone else.”
“Now you’re sounding like me,” the Sirius-voice said. Remus could hear the amusement in the voice and could picture the smirk on Sirius’ face. “Remus, there are people down there that need you, whether you like it or not. And the more you distance yourself, the harder things will get for them,” the voice went on more seriously. “And besides, I would hope you’re out for revenge.”
Remus shook his head. “No revenge. What’s the point? Besides, if people need me, and I go looking for revenge, what happens to them when I die?”
The Sirius-voice snorted. “Remus, if you don’t get revenge, you know Harry will try, and then he’ll die. Besides, James, Lily, and I are counting on you. And you can’t lie to yourself. Which by extension means you can’t lie to me, since I’m only a voice in your head. And that means that I know you’re seeking revenge, even if you won’t admit to anyone but yourself. Why else are you working so hard? Yes, it’s partly to banish the dreams, but that’s not all of it, is it?”
“When did you get so logical?” Remus asked gloomily. He knew the voice was right. “All right,” he said loudly, disturbing Buckbeak, who had been dozing. “I’ll keep an eye on Harry, and make sure that when he does go off for revenge, he takes me with him. Merlin, I’m turning into Sirius! It must be the motorbike.”
Remus stood up and looked at Buckbeak. The Hippogriff looked more relaxed and happy than Remus had seen him in the last year. “I promise I’ll visit more, Bucky,” he whispered softly before he left.
~*~*~*~*~
Later that week, his mission was finished. He reported the results, such as they were, to Dumbledore, and was now free, for the time being. Deciding to visit Linda and Hermione, Remus bought a bottle of wine from the local corner shop, and rode the motorcycle over their house.
Thinking back to the conversation that he had had with Harry, Ron, and Ginny in Grimmauld Place had made him pick up the phone, a Muggle device he was becoming adept at using, and called Hermione’s aunt, suggesting a return to their usual dinners. Linda had become a true friend, despite the fact that she didn’t know his true nature, and her enthusiastic curiosity about magic kept his mind off other, more depressing, subjects. Also, Remus thought that Hermione might want more tutoring in Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Linda opened the door and smiled broadly. Remus smiled back, taking in her glowing face, and round belly. Pregnancy certainly suited her, although, since he hadn’t met her when she hadn’t been pregnant, he really had nothing to compare her appearance with. “Come in, come in, Remus. It’s good to see you.” She took the bottle of wine from him with a smile, and led him into the kitchen.
His werewolf nose was already twitching, but he waited until the smell became very apparent to him before saying, “Linda, what’s that smell?”
Linda’s eyes widened. “Oh blast, I forgot, I left the mince on.” She dashed the rest of the way into the kitchen, which was beginning to fill with smoke. Once she reached the stove, she turned it off, and shoved the pan containing the meat off the hob.
Remus opened a window to let the smoke dissipate. A coughing from the kitchen door alerted him to Hermione’s presence. “Have you been burning things again, Linda?” she asked, smiling.
Linda shrugged. “What can I say? I just don’t have a knack in the kitchen.”
Remus moved to stand by the stove and peered into the pan. “What were you making?”
“It was meant to be lasagne,” Linda said mournfully.
Remus smiled. “Have you got any mince left? I think I can revive some of this.”
Linda nodded, and Hermione fetched the mince out of the fridge. “Remus, you’re a star for doing this,” Linda said, handing him a large dish.
Remus shrugged. “I don’t mind, I actually like cooking. Besides, if I don’t, we’ll have to order take-out again, and I think that the Chinese has begun to think we’re starting our own takeaway and checking out the competition, we order there so much.”
Once Remus was in charge, the meal went according to plan, and the result was delicious. The three of them talked about magic and various other topics, until Hermione’s yawns were nearly splitting her face in two. She grinned at the looks Linda and Remus were giving her. “I think I may give up and go to bed. Good night.” She gave her aunt and Remus hugs and left the room.
Remus waited until he could no longer hear her footsteps and then turned to Linda. “So, how is she doing?”
Linda smiled. “She’s doing really well, actually.”
Remus returned the smile. “Throwing herself into her studies is working, then.”
“And I think that our guess about what she’s actually doing is right,” Linda added. “I just wish that she would tell me what she was doing, that way I could help her.”
Remus smiled comfortingly. “I’m sure that there is a very good reason Hermione isn’t telling you, and when she is able to, she will do.” Then he grinned mischievously. “And when she does, I want to be the first to know.”
Linda’s eyes twinkled merrily. “You bet. So, anyway, tell me about Hogwarts, and what it’s like to grow up knowing you’re a wizard.”
Remus sobered slightly. He wasn’t entirely sure that Linda was ready to hear about his life. She had found out that he was a werewolf only the week before, due to him having to explain a comment that she had overheard Hermione say to him. Still, he was tired of being on his own, and maybe it was time to talk to someone who wasn’t directly affected by the people that made up such a large part of his life.
Once he had started to talk about growing up, being bitten, and how that had affected him, his joy and apprehension at going to Hogwarts, meeting the people who were to become his best friends, Remus found that he couldn’t stop. When he got the part about Sirius dying, he very nearly broke down, and it was only Linda’s soft reassuring him that nothing had been his fault that had stopped him.
Of course, she didn’t know that Peter’s death had been his fault. Logically, he told himself over and over again that the deaths of James and Lily, and then Sirius were not his fault. After all, he couldn’t help having been bitten by a werewolf when he was nine. But some part of him still insisted that if he hadn’t gone into the forest to pick wildflowers for his mother, none of it would have happened. He wouldn’t have become a werewolf, and so he would have been trusted enough to be considered to be the Secret Keeper instead of Peter. Then James and Lily would still be alive and Sirius wouldn’t have gone to Azkaban, and wouldn’t have died two years ago protecting Harry, because Harry wouldn’t have been the Boy-Who-Lived.
Linda seemed to realise where his train of thought was going and drew him out of it, managing to convince him that there was nothing to be done to change the past, and that he had to hold on to the pleasant memories he had to live in the present. Finally, Remus smiled slightly. He knew that Hermione had overheard most of the conversation from the stairs - his werewolf smell had caught her scent almost immediately, but he didn’t begrudge her eavesdropping. After all, he had done quite a bit of that in his life.
After that night, Remus did his best to cheer up slightly, and he and Hermione grew closer, possibly as a result of her overhearing his conversation with her aunt. He tried to stay cheerful all through his three-week mission with Snape, undercover amongst the lower-ranking Death Eaters, however, it had been extremely difficult, especially since all that they had found out was that there was a leak, but they still had no idea who it was.
Remus returned to tutoring Hermione happily, as it kept his thoughts away from what was happening outside the house. All too soon, though, she no longer needed his tuition, and Dumbledore had another mission for him. This one involved him in a stakeout situation for two weeks, something he was not looking forward to.
Remus left Linda and Hermione’s house for the last time that summer feeling a sense of loss. He had enjoyed the time he had spent at the house, and knew that once term started again, things would never be the same again. He and Linda had concluded that Hermione was studying so hard because she was taking more than one set of exams over the summer, and since his assistance was no longer required, it did not take a genius to work out that her exams were coming up. He wished her luck the only way he knew how, without giving away the fact that he had guessed. He gave her a huge hug, and a quick peck on the cheek, saying, “It’ll be all right, Hermione, don’t you worry.”
Hermione seemed to think that he was talking about her returning to Hogwarts for her final year, as he had wanted her to, and smiled. “I know. Take care of yourself, Remus.”
“I’ll do my best.” He left then, and returned to his own house. It always seemed quite cold after he had visited Linda and Hermione, despite his attempts at making it his own. However, since he was only there half the time, anyway, normally it didn’t make much difference.
After packing for his mission, Remus fell into bed. He was tired, but wasn’t looking forward to going to sleep. It had recently been a full moon and, despite the Wolfsbane potion that Snape was still supplying him with, it had not been an easy transformation. The physical process was no different than normal, however, it brought home to him how much he missed Sirius. When his fellow Marauder had been in Azkaban, it hadn’t been so hard, as he had believed that that was where he belonged, having betrayed all those that trusted him.
The hole in Remus’ heart was made even larger with the knowledge that Sirius had been innocent all along, had somehow stayed sane whilst in Azkaban, and, after escaping, had done everything in his power to keep Harry safe, to the point of recklessness, as was his wont. For a short while, he had had Sirius back, being there when he was transformed, like he had been all those years ago. Now, it sometimes felt as though he was working on automatic pilot, or as though someone had put the Imperius Curse on him. Remus shuddered, and tried not to think about that particular Unforgivable.
Tomorrow, he would be leaving for the Peak District, to observe Augustus Rookwood who, it was rumoured, was attempting to infiltrate the Ministry again, using his contacts. He had a holiday home in the Peak District and was going to be spending the next two weeks there. Thanks to Tonks, they knew exactly where his house was, and the Order had secured a small cottage in a nearby wood for Remus to stay in whilst he was watching Rookwood.
With thoughts of how he was going to survive the next two weeks alone in a strange place, spying on a known Death Eater, Remus finally fell asleep, and had very uncomfortable dreams. The next morning he awoke early, although not considerably refreshed.
He travelled by motorbike most of the way, and met up with Tonks at an arranged point. She took possession of Sirius’ bike (in Remus’ mind, it would always be Padfoot’s, not his) and exchanged it for a beaten up old car in which Remus would drive the rest of the way. The motorbike was too conspicuous.
When Remus saw the cottage he was meant to be living in, he couldn’t believe his eyes. It appeared as though it only had half a roof, and three windows were missing. Fortunately, Rookwood had not arrived at his house yet, which meant that Remus could discretely repair the cottage without any magic detectors being alerted.
The next two weeks were hell, even more so than Remus had first suspected. The cottage, despite his repairs, was cold and damp, and the late August nights chilled him to the bone. On top of that, he couldn’t go to the shop on a regular basis, so he was subsisting on a meagre amount of food. His stomach had stopped growling after the fourth day, and thereafter was filled with a constant ache.
There were no facilities for a shower in the cottage. In fact, Remus had stopped calling it a cottage, and referred to it as a shack, for that was all it was, really. In earlier times, he supposed that it was used as a summerhouse for the occupants of Rookwood’s rather opulent house, but it had been forgotten about and the seasons had not been kind to it.
By the time Rookwood had returned to his town house, Remus was decidedly the worse for wear. He had not been getting a huge amount of sleep, mainly because he didn’t want to dream, but also because Rookwood’s activities took place at various times of the day and night.
He returned to his house thankfully. Tonks had told him that there was an Order meeting to be held the next night and had given him a file to read. It had informed of Hermione’s involvement, and of the prophecy concerning her. Frankly, Remus wasn’t that surprised. He’d known that there was something special about the girl for quite some time.
The next day, Remus dozed, and finally remembered, at the last minute that he had to be at Grimmauld Place. Remus grimaced. This work was definitely getting to him. He was always punctual if it was humanely possible. Taking a quick shower in an attempt to wash away his worries, Remus ignored the Sirius-voice that was telling him that it wasn’t the job that was getting to him, it was his wracking guilt.
“Have faith in yourself, Remus,” it told him.
Remus merely growled, grabbed his keys, jumped on the bike and sped over to Grimmauld Place. He was in no mood to listen to the Sirius in his head at the moment.
When Remus arrived, Arthur, Molly, Bill, and Snape were already assembled. His werewolf hearing picked up Albus saying, “We are just waiting on - ” before he opened the door. “Ah, Remus, here you are.”
“Sorry I’m late, Albus,” Remus apologised, sitting down next to Snape. He noticed the Potions Master glancing concernedly at him, and offered him a weak smile in return. He knew he looked bad, but he must look terrible if Snape was concerned about him. Remus banished that thought as one of those that belonged to the Sirius part of him. He knew what Snape had sacrificed for the Order and what he had done, and thus knew that Snape was considerably more caring than he liked people to think. Still, he did remember the face that had stared back at him in the mirror earlier that day, and he hadn’t liked the look of it. Remus thought that he looked as though he was about to collapse at any moment, and, truth be told, he felt like it too.
Snape, on the other hand, looked his usual sour self, perhaps slightly more so now that Hermione was a Professor at Hogwarts. Remus smiled to himself. Snape would no doubt hate having to work alongside the girl, correction, young woman, that had plagued his classroom for years. Still, at least it wasn’t Harry.
Albus was not going to beat around the bush today, it seemed. “We seem to have another leak.”
Remus observed the reactions of the people around the table. Everyone bar himself and Snape, who had been the ones to inform Dumbledore of the fact, looked shocked. They had all thought that after Vector’s dismissal, the leak had been plugged.
Arthur Weasley frowned. “Are you sure, Albus?”
Snape answered. “Quite,” he said, as Albus glanced at him.
“I’m afraid so, Arthur,” Remus added, sighing, and staring tiredly at the table. Just thinking about all this made his head ache.
Bill asked the next obvious question. “Do we have any idea who?”
“No.” Snape was, as usual, short and straight to the point.
"I'm afraid we have nothing," Albus added with a sigh. "Voldemort is closing in, and our only hope is that he does not discover the only weapon we have before it is ready."
Severus raised his eyebrows. "You had better hope Professor Granger does not discover this either. And I highly doubt she would appreciate being thought of as a weapon, let alone our last hope."
Remus felt inclined to agree with him. Hermione was extremely intelligent, but she was still a Gryffindor, and one that hung around with Harry Potter. If she found out, she was likely to lose her temper, and Hermione without her temper was something that Remus did not want to see. All he said, though, was, “Indeed.”
The meeting went on, and Remus informed them that his mission this time had been a success. Rookwood was indeed trying to infiltrate the Ministry, however, his attempts had failed. This, at least, was good news.
Eventually, the meeting broke up, and Remus made his way upstairs to see Hermione and Harry. He found them in Harry’s bedroom, Hermione fast asleep with her head on Harry’s chest.
Remus smiled and entered quietly. He walked to the edge of the bed, and woke Harry up gently. When he saw him, he frowned. “You look terrible,” he informed him.
“Thanks, nice to see you too,” Remus replied, chuckling.
Harry laughed quietly, but the movement caused Hermione to wake up. She growled at him, and he kissed the top of her head. “Sorry, Mia,” Harry said, yawning, “but you have a visitor.”
Hermione turned around and saw Remus, who had moved into the room and was now crouching by the bed. She smiled, and then, after looking him over, frowned. “Remus, you look awful.”
Remus chuckled again, and Harry mumbled, “That’s what I said.”
Remus smiled. “And to think I was about to tell you that you looked marvellous. Bed hair aside, of course,” he added, winking.
Hermione sat up, leaving Harry to work the crick out of his neck. “Thank you,” she said. “But really, Remus, what’s wrong?”
There was no way that Remus was going to tell Hermione anything. She had enough on her plate, and there was nothing that she could do to help him, anyway. “There’s nothing wrong.”
Hermione just looked at him for a moment, and then threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He returned the hug, having missed Hermione’s gentleness and willingness to dish out hugs to everyone and anyone. He thought of her hugging Snape and the resulting reaction and chuckled, pulling back to sit on the bed. Hermione and Harry made room for him, and Hermione smiled her warm smile at him, but Remus could see the worry behind her eyes. Remus sighed inwardly. He really didn’t want her to be concerned about him.
“It’s not as bad as all that,” he told her, smiling. “I’m a little tired, and I think I may be coming down with the werewolf flu. It’ll pass,” he added, remembering Sirius coming up with that as an excuse for missing Potions once.
Harry raised his eyebrows and smiled, unconsciously emulating the look that James had given Sirius over that comment. “The werewolf flu?” he asked.
Hermione sniggered, and soon all three of them were laughing. Remus was glad to be laughing once again, and watching Hermione hit Harry’s arm made him grin. Then she turned to Remus, looking serious. “Remus,” she said, “I want you to promise me you’ll get some rest.”
“Yes, mother,” Remus replied, unable to shake the memory of Lily saying the exact same thing twenty years before.
Harry chuckled, but he, too, looked serious. “You know she’s right, Remus.”
Remus groaned inwardly. What had he done to deserve having two teenagers wanting to mollycoddle him? “Maybe the fact that you look like you’re about to pass out has something to do with it?” the Sirius-voice suggested. Remus mentally rolled his eyes, and answered Harry. “Isn’t she always? She is, after all, the youngest Hogwarts Professor in history, you know.”
This comment prompted Hermione to say, “Oh, Remus, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Remus smiled. “It’s all right, Hermione,” he told her. “Linda and I had it pretty much worked out after the first two weeks of the summer. When you finally told her, she decided she should tell her partner in crime.”
“What?” Hermione asked, her eyes wide.
Remus laughed. “You may have been able to fool this sod,” he said, indicating Harry, “but I’d like to think I’m rather more intelligent and - ouch!” Harry had hit him.
Harry smiled warmly. “You may look like hell, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let you insult me.”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Men.”
Remus was about to protest when there was a knock at the door. Hermione called out, “Come in.”
The door opened, and Snape entered the room. At least, he put his foot over the threshold. Remus didn’t think Snape wanted to be any further into Harry’s bedroom than that. “If you are ready, Professor Granger, we will be returning to Hogwarts shortly,” Snape said curtly.
Hermione nodded, sliding her legs off the bed. “Thank you, Professor, I’ll be down in a moment.”
Snape nodded and left. Remus’ hearing caught Ginny Weasley asking to speak to Snape privately when she returned to school, and wondered what that was about. He made a mental note to ask Snape the next time he saw him. Turning back to the two teenagers in front of him, Remus heard Harry asking Hermione if she was busy for the rest of the holidays.
Hermione replied by saying that she had to look over student records, which prompted Harry to look fearful. Remus chuckled as Hermione reassured him that she wouldn’t be looking as his. He imagined that Harry’s work was as exemplary as Sirius. They both had had other things on their minds whilst they had been at school, although Harry’s was distinctly more serious.
Harry looked relieved, and said, “You never know. I could be a genius.”
Remus laughed loudly at that. James had used to say that Lily all the time, but it had never worked. He saw that Harry looked insulted, and Remus quickly explained.
Harry’s face became torn, as it always did when someone mentioned his father, and Hermione hugged him hard, making him laugh. “I have to go,” she said.
The pair promised to arrange a meeting before the term starting, and then it was time to leave. Remus stood up and offered Hermione a hand. “I’ll walk you downstairs,” he said, pulling her to her feet.
Everyone was gathered at the bottom of the stairs, apart from the conspicuously absent Ron, who, Remus had gathered, had not taken the news that Hermione was the new Professor at all well. After goodbyes were said, Hermione and Snape left the house, and Remus was left to wonder how Hermione was going to cope with the new challenges before her.
END Part One (Part Two - Harry’s PoV coming soon)
Okay, so that's it. I've been frantically putting it up everywhere, and now kyizi and I are off to meet eretria and murron at the airport! Woohoo!
If I Ever Lose My Faith In You
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related items do not belong to me. None of the characters belong to me. Most of them are the brainchild of JK Rowling, and the others are those of Kyizi's. No copyright infringement intended. Title belongs to Sting.
Rating: PG-13 for the moment, although it will likely be raised for later chapters.
Spoilers: Philosopher's Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix, and Kyizi's fic, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."
Distribution: Please ask, the answer will likely be yes.
Feedback: As always. Yes, please. This is my first time writing from Remus' point of view, so I'd love to hear what you think.
Yahoo! Groups: Kyizific
Notes: This is a companion piece to Kyizi's fanfic, "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic." You must read that before reading this, otherwise nothing will make sense. This chapter includes all the events in chapters 1-3 of "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic", so you'll need to read them first. The pairing in that is Snape/Hermione, and as such, there will be mention of that in this fic. If you don't like that, then I suggest you don't read it, although it has, almost, converted me to that pairing. There is no pairing in this fic (as yet).
Dedication: To kyizi, since she asked me to write it!
Special notes: I know that in an interview, JKR said that Remus was a half- blood, and so therefore would know quite a bit about the Muggle world, but Kyizi said in her first chapter that "he's having issues with the Muggle world" so I'm assuming that he's a pure-blood, and therefore doesn't really know much about Muggles.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Part One: Remus
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Remus flopped down on the sofa, exhausted. He closed his eyes, but opened them again quickly when unwanted images raced through his mind. Pulling out his wand, he lit the fire, staring into it moodily for some time.
Finally, he pulled himself together enough to drag himself off the sofa and into the kitchen. He made himself a cup of tea, ignoring the pile of dishes in the sink. Staring blankly out of the window, Remus didn’t notice the tottering dishes until one, disturbed by his sleeve, fell onto the floor with a crash. Then, he jumped and dropped his mug as he spun round with his wand out.
It took him a full minute to realise what had happened. He repaired the smashed plate and dropped mug, and cleaned up the puddle of tea on the tiled floor. “This is ridiculous, Remus,” he muttered to himself. “You’re a nervous wreck. You need sleep.” There were many times that he had told himself that, but it made no difference. The more he slept, the more he dreamt. And he didn’t like his dreams.
“You need to talk to someone about this. You can’t go on alone,” his inner voice continued. Remus growled. He was extremely disconcerted that his inner voice sounded a lot like Sirius. “I have to go on alone, there is no one else,” Remus said aloud, making himself another cup of tea with shaking hands. “Great, I’m talking to myself again.”
Remus heated up the leftovers from the previous night’s dinner, and carried them into the living room. Curling up on front of the fire, he opened his case notes and began to read. The mission Dumbledore had sent him on was getting complicated, and Remus wanted to make sure that he had all the facts before barging in recklessly. “Although you’ve been doing a lot of that lately,” his inner voice argued.
Remus clamped down on the voice. He needed to get this work done now, despite being so tired. There was no way he was going to get himself killed because he didn’t know the facts. He’d seen things go wrong before, and he didn’t want to emulate his best friend. Remus growled one more. His thoughts were running away with him again.
He awoke some time later. The fire, enchanted to stay lit, roared merrily beside him, keeping his right side hot, almost to the point of scorching. His left side was somewhat colder. There was pale light coming through the closed curtains, and Remus surmised that it was early morning. Groaning, he lifted his head. Several papers stuck to the side of his cheek. He pulled them off, sure that there would be ink marks left on his skin.
Shaking his head at his stupidity - it had been years since he’d fallen asleep on top of notes - Remus made his way upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror, he could see that he was right. There, on his left cheek, were the words “in the ear”. A thought flitted through his mind, hearing the comments of James and Sirius the last time he’d awoken with writing on his face. Memories of his time at Hogwarts were resurfacing more and more, and Remus was having a harder time banishing them. Instead, he threw himself into his work. At least then his mind was occupied.
Remus expected the mirror to comment on this, until he remembered that it was a Muggle mirror, and he lived in a Muggle house. He still wasn’t used to living in the Muggle world. Getting to and from places was exceedingly difficult. He had placed Apparition wards around his house, so Apparating was out of the question. And his fireplace wasn’t connected to the Floo Network for security reasons. Portkeying had become very heavily regulated, and that meant that Remus had had to resort to the Muggle way of getting about.
He had considered buying a car, but it had been years since he’d driven - he’d learnt during his self-imposed exile from the Wizarding World after Sirius’ sentence - and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to endanger people every time he had to go to work. His dilemma had been solved when Dumbledore had given him a present. Sirius’ bike. It was the only thing, apart from his wand, that Remus possessed that was magical, although Remus didn’t dare fly it. Sirius was the only one who could actually get it to fly reliably every time he took to the air. How Hagrid had managed it fifteen years ago, Remus didn’t know. It was also the only thing that Sirius had left behind, aside from 12 Grimmauld Place.
Remus grimaced. Grimmauld Place. He had been asked to live there, but had declined. There was no way he was going to live there on his own. Sure, the Order met there and, for part of the summer, Harry lived there too, but for the majority of the time, Remus would have been the only one. It wasn’t until later that Tonks had decided to move in there, and by that time Remus had already bought his Muggle house. Still, with both himself and Tonks on Order duty, they would not have been likely to be in the house at the same time. He knew he couldn’t have handled living in the place that made Sirius who he had been when Remus had first met him. Being surrounded by images that reminded him of Sirius was a nightmare for Remus. How Sirius survived living in that house Remus did not know.
Facing demons, however, was something Remus was extremely adept at. After all, he had to face his every month. So, once again, he would steel himself to enter Sirius’ childhood home and report to the Order his findings, such as they were. Sighing, Remus ran his hands over his face. He noticed that they bore more scars than they used to, his face was more gaunt, and his hair greyer than ever. “That’s what you get for going on a mission with that slimy git, Snape,” his inner voice said.
Remus rolled his eyes. “All right, Sirius, will you please stop talking to me in my head!” Then he threw his arms up in the air. “I’ve completely lost it, I really have.” Another inner voice, which sounded much more like his own, said, “That’s what not getting enough sleep gets you. Now go to bed.” For once, Remus didn’t argue. He would need all the sleep he could get to face the Order later that day.
~*~*~*~*~
The meeting was over. Tonks had disappeared to rest - she looked as bad as he felt. Molly was cooking lunch whilst the Weasley children and Harry did more spring-cleaning.
After being shooed out the kitchen, Remus searched the house for the teenagers. Drawn to the living room by the sound of laughter, he watched through the doorway as Ginny and Harry pelted Ron with cushions. Ron was retaliating furiously and eventually cornered Ginny. Harry attempted to rescue her by pounding his cushion on Ron’s head. Just then, Harry’s cushion burst and feathers flew everywhere.
Remus grinned. The look on their faces was priceless. It reminded him of when James, Lily, and Sirius had had a pillow fight in their seventh year. By the time they had finished, the entire common room had been covered in feathers. Remus sobered immediately, and was only drawn out of his reverie by Harry touching his arm.
“All you all right, Remus?” the boy asked, the twinkle in his green eyes fading.
Remus pulled himself together and smiled. “Yes. Just reminiscing. I don’t suppose this,” he waved his hand to take in the feather-covered settee and floor, “was part of Molly’s spring-cleaning plans?”
Ron grinned ruefully and shrugged. Ginny smiled softly, her deep brown eyes sorrowful. Remus had noticed that Ginny’s eyes were always like that when she looked at him.
“Well, I suppose I’d better help you tidy up,” Remus said, smiling. He got out his wand, and helped, despite the protests from the teenagers. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing better to do. Besides, I haven’t seen you all summer.”
They gave in eventually, and the four of them worked hard until lunch was ready. Molly came into the living room to find it sparkling, the cushion repaired, and no trace of feathers anywhere. Ginny went off to wake up Tonks for lunch, and Remus, Harry, and Ron followed Molly back into the kitchen.
“How’s Buckbeak?” Remus asked, his mouth filled with bacon and eggs.
Harry grimaced. “Not too good.” He pulled up a sleeve to show a thin scar on his forearm. “He’s still not recovered. I don’t know what else to do.”
“Hagrid’s no help,” Ron added. “Every time he goes near Buckbeak, he bursts into tears.”
“He’s happier when Tonks goes to visit him,” Ginny said, “but of course, she can’t be there all the time.”
Tonks smiled tiredly. “Remus, perhaps you could…”
Remus held his hand up. “No, Tonks. I know what you’re going to ask me, and the answer is still no. I’m not living here. I’m perfectly happy where I am.”
“Are you?” his werewolf hearing picked up Tonks’ mutter, but he didn’t react.
“Have you seen Hermione recently?” Remus asked, changing the subject.
Harry shook his head, and Ron looked depressed. “Only once, but that was a while ago. She’s keeping to herself.”
“She’s probably still grieving,” Ginny pointed out.
“Have you seen her?” Harry asked, knowing that Remus lived close to Hermione.
Remus nodded. “I saw her last week. I had dinner with her and her aunt Linda. Who’s appetite is amazing. She’s reached the stage in her pregnancy where she’s craving all sorts of weird combinations. It was Marmite and chips last week.”
Everyone at the table bar Molly grimaced. “I craved charcoal when I was pregnant with Ron,” Molly said, a smile on her face.
Ron looked sick. “Charcoal?”
Ginny grinned. “Maybe that’s why you are the way you are,” she teased, ducking as Ron feigned hitting her.
Remus added, “Lily didn’t have any cravings. It was almost like she wasn’t pregnant at all. Although James did say she had mood swings. Sirius and I were forever getting calls for rescue missions.”
The table went silent for a moment, and then Ron asked, “So, how was she?”
Remus frowned, and then realised he was talking about Hermione. “She’s fine. Although throwing herself into her work. I’ve been tutoring her in Advanced Defence Against the Dark Arts, at her insistence.”
“Why on earth would she want tutoring during the summer?” Ron asked, incredulous, forgetting that Hermione usually studied during the summer.
“Because she’s trying to keep her mind occupied,” Harry, Tonks, and Remus answered in unison.
Ron’s face became understanding. “Oh, right, of course.”
The rest of lunch was eaten in relative silence, and afterwards Remus, having offered to wash the dishes and having been declined, went up to see Buckbeak. The Hippogriff was indeed looking the worse for wear, although he did look considerably better than last year - Remus was sure that the presence of Harry and Tonks had encouraged the Hippogriff to continue living.
Remus spent the rest of the day with the creature. Before, he hadn’t even thought about the Hippogriff, and now he felt guilty. It hadn’t occurred to him that Buckbeak was going to be affected by the absence of Sirius.
“You were being really close-minded, Remus,” his inner Sirius said. “You thought my death affected only you. Look at Harry, he’s lost his parents, and then his godfather. You’re the only one left to keep an eye on him.”
“Harry’s got Ron and Hermione, and the rest of the Weasleys,” Remus retorted.
“What about Tonks? She’s only a young Auror, and you know she loved me. Us rebellious Blacks had to stick together.”
Remus smiled slightly. “But still, first James and Lily, and then you, and then Peter, and then you again. Sirius, I can’t think about anyone else any more. I can’t lose anyone else.”
“Now you’re sounding like me,” the Sirius-voice said. Remus could hear the amusement in the voice and could picture the smirk on Sirius’ face. “Remus, there are people down there that need you, whether you like it or not. And the more you distance yourself, the harder things will get for them,” the voice went on more seriously. “And besides, I would hope you’re out for revenge.”
Remus shook his head. “No revenge. What’s the point? Besides, if people need me, and I go looking for revenge, what happens to them when I die?”
The Sirius-voice snorted. “Remus, if you don’t get revenge, you know Harry will try, and then he’ll die. Besides, James, Lily, and I are counting on you. And you can’t lie to yourself. Which by extension means you can’t lie to me, since I’m only a voice in your head. And that means that I know you’re seeking revenge, even if you won’t admit to anyone but yourself. Why else are you working so hard? Yes, it’s partly to banish the dreams, but that’s not all of it, is it?”
“When did you get so logical?” Remus asked gloomily. He knew the voice was right. “All right,” he said loudly, disturbing Buckbeak, who had been dozing. “I’ll keep an eye on Harry, and make sure that when he does go off for revenge, he takes me with him. Merlin, I’m turning into Sirius! It must be the motorbike.”
Remus stood up and looked at Buckbeak. The Hippogriff looked more relaxed and happy than Remus had seen him in the last year. “I promise I’ll visit more, Bucky,” he whispered softly before he left.
~*~*~*~*~
Later that week, his mission was finished. He reported the results, such as they were, to Dumbledore, and was now free, for the time being. Deciding to visit Linda and Hermione, Remus bought a bottle of wine from the local corner shop, and rode the motorcycle over their house.
Thinking back to the conversation that he had had with Harry, Ron, and Ginny in Grimmauld Place had made him pick up the phone, a Muggle device he was becoming adept at using, and called Hermione’s aunt, suggesting a return to their usual dinners. Linda had become a true friend, despite the fact that she didn’t know his true nature, and her enthusiastic curiosity about magic kept his mind off other, more depressing, subjects. Also, Remus thought that Hermione might want more tutoring in Defence Against the Dark Arts.
Linda opened the door and smiled broadly. Remus smiled back, taking in her glowing face, and round belly. Pregnancy certainly suited her, although, since he hadn’t met her when she hadn’t been pregnant, he really had nothing to compare her appearance with. “Come in, come in, Remus. It’s good to see you.” She took the bottle of wine from him with a smile, and led him into the kitchen.
His werewolf nose was already twitching, but he waited until the smell became very apparent to him before saying, “Linda, what’s that smell?”
Linda’s eyes widened. “Oh blast, I forgot, I left the mince on.” She dashed the rest of the way into the kitchen, which was beginning to fill with smoke. Once she reached the stove, she turned it off, and shoved the pan containing the meat off the hob.
Remus opened a window to let the smoke dissipate. A coughing from the kitchen door alerted him to Hermione’s presence. “Have you been burning things again, Linda?” she asked, smiling.
Linda shrugged. “What can I say? I just don’t have a knack in the kitchen.”
Remus moved to stand by the stove and peered into the pan. “What were you making?”
“It was meant to be lasagne,” Linda said mournfully.
Remus smiled. “Have you got any mince left? I think I can revive some of this.”
Linda nodded, and Hermione fetched the mince out of the fridge. “Remus, you’re a star for doing this,” Linda said, handing him a large dish.
Remus shrugged. “I don’t mind, I actually like cooking. Besides, if I don’t, we’ll have to order take-out again, and I think that the Chinese has begun to think we’re starting our own takeaway and checking out the competition, we order there so much.”
Once Remus was in charge, the meal went according to plan, and the result was delicious. The three of them talked about magic and various other topics, until Hermione’s yawns were nearly splitting her face in two. She grinned at the looks Linda and Remus were giving her. “I think I may give up and go to bed. Good night.” She gave her aunt and Remus hugs and left the room.
Remus waited until he could no longer hear her footsteps and then turned to Linda. “So, how is she doing?”
Linda smiled. “She’s doing really well, actually.”
Remus returned the smile. “Throwing herself into her studies is working, then.”
“And I think that our guess about what she’s actually doing is right,” Linda added. “I just wish that she would tell me what she was doing, that way I could help her.”
Remus smiled comfortingly. “I’m sure that there is a very good reason Hermione isn’t telling you, and when she is able to, she will do.” Then he grinned mischievously. “And when she does, I want to be the first to know.”
Linda’s eyes twinkled merrily. “You bet. So, anyway, tell me about Hogwarts, and what it’s like to grow up knowing you’re a wizard.”
Remus sobered slightly. He wasn’t entirely sure that Linda was ready to hear about his life. She had found out that he was a werewolf only the week before, due to him having to explain a comment that she had overheard Hermione say to him. Still, he was tired of being on his own, and maybe it was time to talk to someone who wasn’t directly affected by the people that made up such a large part of his life.
Once he had started to talk about growing up, being bitten, and how that had affected him, his joy and apprehension at going to Hogwarts, meeting the people who were to become his best friends, Remus found that he couldn’t stop. When he got the part about Sirius dying, he very nearly broke down, and it was only Linda’s soft reassuring him that nothing had been his fault that had stopped him.
Of course, she didn’t know that Peter’s death had been his fault. Logically, he told himself over and over again that the deaths of James and Lily, and then Sirius were not his fault. After all, he couldn’t help having been bitten by a werewolf when he was nine. But some part of him still insisted that if he hadn’t gone into the forest to pick wildflowers for his mother, none of it would have happened. He wouldn’t have become a werewolf, and so he would have been trusted enough to be considered to be the Secret Keeper instead of Peter. Then James and Lily would still be alive and Sirius wouldn’t have gone to Azkaban, and wouldn’t have died two years ago protecting Harry, because Harry wouldn’t have been the Boy-Who-Lived.
Linda seemed to realise where his train of thought was going and drew him out of it, managing to convince him that there was nothing to be done to change the past, and that he had to hold on to the pleasant memories he had to live in the present. Finally, Remus smiled slightly. He knew that Hermione had overheard most of the conversation from the stairs - his werewolf smell had caught her scent almost immediately, but he didn’t begrudge her eavesdropping. After all, he had done quite a bit of that in his life.
After that night, Remus did his best to cheer up slightly, and he and Hermione grew closer, possibly as a result of her overhearing his conversation with her aunt. He tried to stay cheerful all through his three-week mission with Snape, undercover amongst the lower-ranking Death Eaters, however, it had been extremely difficult, especially since all that they had found out was that there was a leak, but they still had no idea who it was.
Remus returned to tutoring Hermione happily, as it kept his thoughts away from what was happening outside the house. All too soon, though, she no longer needed his tuition, and Dumbledore had another mission for him. This one involved him in a stakeout situation for two weeks, something he was not looking forward to.
Remus left Linda and Hermione’s house for the last time that summer feeling a sense of loss. He had enjoyed the time he had spent at the house, and knew that once term started again, things would never be the same again. He and Linda had concluded that Hermione was studying so hard because she was taking more than one set of exams over the summer, and since his assistance was no longer required, it did not take a genius to work out that her exams were coming up. He wished her luck the only way he knew how, without giving away the fact that he had guessed. He gave her a huge hug, and a quick peck on the cheek, saying, “It’ll be all right, Hermione, don’t you worry.”
Hermione seemed to think that he was talking about her returning to Hogwarts for her final year, as he had wanted her to, and smiled. “I know. Take care of yourself, Remus.”
“I’ll do my best.” He left then, and returned to his own house. It always seemed quite cold after he had visited Linda and Hermione, despite his attempts at making it his own. However, since he was only there half the time, anyway, normally it didn’t make much difference.
After packing for his mission, Remus fell into bed. He was tired, but wasn’t looking forward to going to sleep. It had recently been a full moon and, despite the Wolfsbane potion that Snape was still supplying him with, it had not been an easy transformation. The physical process was no different than normal, however, it brought home to him how much he missed Sirius. When his fellow Marauder had been in Azkaban, it hadn’t been so hard, as he had believed that that was where he belonged, having betrayed all those that trusted him.
The hole in Remus’ heart was made even larger with the knowledge that Sirius had been innocent all along, had somehow stayed sane whilst in Azkaban, and, after escaping, had done everything in his power to keep Harry safe, to the point of recklessness, as was his wont. For a short while, he had had Sirius back, being there when he was transformed, like he had been all those years ago. Now, it sometimes felt as though he was working on automatic pilot, or as though someone had put the Imperius Curse on him. Remus shuddered, and tried not to think about that particular Unforgivable.
Tomorrow, he would be leaving for the Peak District, to observe Augustus Rookwood who, it was rumoured, was attempting to infiltrate the Ministry again, using his contacts. He had a holiday home in the Peak District and was going to be spending the next two weeks there. Thanks to Tonks, they knew exactly where his house was, and the Order had secured a small cottage in a nearby wood for Remus to stay in whilst he was watching Rookwood.
With thoughts of how he was going to survive the next two weeks alone in a strange place, spying on a known Death Eater, Remus finally fell asleep, and had very uncomfortable dreams. The next morning he awoke early, although not considerably refreshed.
He travelled by motorbike most of the way, and met up with Tonks at an arranged point. She took possession of Sirius’ bike (in Remus’ mind, it would always be Padfoot’s, not his) and exchanged it for a beaten up old car in which Remus would drive the rest of the way. The motorbike was too conspicuous.
When Remus saw the cottage he was meant to be living in, he couldn’t believe his eyes. It appeared as though it only had half a roof, and three windows were missing. Fortunately, Rookwood had not arrived at his house yet, which meant that Remus could discretely repair the cottage without any magic detectors being alerted.
The next two weeks were hell, even more so than Remus had first suspected. The cottage, despite his repairs, was cold and damp, and the late August nights chilled him to the bone. On top of that, he couldn’t go to the shop on a regular basis, so he was subsisting on a meagre amount of food. His stomach had stopped growling after the fourth day, and thereafter was filled with a constant ache.
There were no facilities for a shower in the cottage. In fact, Remus had stopped calling it a cottage, and referred to it as a shack, for that was all it was, really. In earlier times, he supposed that it was used as a summerhouse for the occupants of Rookwood’s rather opulent house, but it had been forgotten about and the seasons had not been kind to it.
By the time Rookwood had returned to his town house, Remus was decidedly the worse for wear. He had not been getting a huge amount of sleep, mainly because he didn’t want to dream, but also because Rookwood’s activities took place at various times of the day and night.
He returned to his house thankfully. Tonks had told him that there was an Order meeting to be held the next night and had given him a file to read. It had informed of Hermione’s involvement, and of the prophecy concerning her. Frankly, Remus wasn’t that surprised. He’d known that there was something special about the girl for quite some time.
The next day, Remus dozed, and finally remembered, at the last minute that he had to be at Grimmauld Place. Remus grimaced. This work was definitely getting to him. He was always punctual if it was humanely possible. Taking a quick shower in an attempt to wash away his worries, Remus ignored the Sirius-voice that was telling him that it wasn’t the job that was getting to him, it was his wracking guilt.
“Have faith in yourself, Remus,” it told him.
Remus merely growled, grabbed his keys, jumped on the bike and sped over to Grimmauld Place. He was in no mood to listen to the Sirius in his head at the moment.
When Remus arrived, Arthur, Molly, Bill, and Snape were already assembled. His werewolf hearing picked up Albus saying, “We are just waiting on - ” before he opened the door. “Ah, Remus, here you are.”
“Sorry I’m late, Albus,” Remus apologised, sitting down next to Snape. He noticed the Potions Master glancing concernedly at him, and offered him a weak smile in return. He knew he looked bad, but he must look terrible if Snape was concerned about him. Remus banished that thought as one of those that belonged to the Sirius part of him. He knew what Snape had sacrificed for the Order and what he had done, and thus knew that Snape was considerably more caring than he liked people to think. Still, he did remember the face that had stared back at him in the mirror earlier that day, and he hadn’t liked the look of it. Remus thought that he looked as though he was about to collapse at any moment, and, truth be told, he felt like it too.
Snape, on the other hand, looked his usual sour self, perhaps slightly more so now that Hermione was a Professor at Hogwarts. Remus smiled to himself. Snape would no doubt hate having to work alongside the girl, correction, young woman, that had plagued his classroom for years. Still, at least it wasn’t Harry.
Albus was not going to beat around the bush today, it seemed. “We seem to have another leak.”
Remus observed the reactions of the people around the table. Everyone bar himself and Snape, who had been the ones to inform Dumbledore of the fact, looked shocked. They had all thought that after Vector’s dismissal, the leak had been plugged.
Arthur Weasley frowned. “Are you sure, Albus?”
Snape answered. “Quite,” he said, as Albus glanced at him.
“I’m afraid so, Arthur,” Remus added, sighing, and staring tiredly at the table. Just thinking about all this made his head ache.
Bill asked the next obvious question. “Do we have any idea who?”
“No.” Snape was, as usual, short and straight to the point.
"I'm afraid we have nothing," Albus added with a sigh. "Voldemort is closing in, and our only hope is that he does not discover the only weapon we have before it is ready."
Severus raised his eyebrows. "You had better hope Professor Granger does not discover this either. And I highly doubt she would appreciate being thought of as a weapon, let alone our last hope."
Remus felt inclined to agree with him. Hermione was extremely intelligent, but she was still a Gryffindor, and one that hung around with Harry Potter. If she found out, she was likely to lose her temper, and Hermione without her temper was something that Remus did not want to see. All he said, though, was, “Indeed.”
The meeting went on, and Remus informed them that his mission this time had been a success. Rookwood was indeed trying to infiltrate the Ministry, however, his attempts had failed. This, at least, was good news.
Eventually, the meeting broke up, and Remus made his way upstairs to see Hermione and Harry. He found them in Harry’s bedroom, Hermione fast asleep with her head on Harry’s chest.
Remus smiled and entered quietly. He walked to the edge of the bed, and woke Harry up gently. When he saw him, he frowned. “You look terrible,” he informed him.
“Thanks, nice to see you too,” Remus replied, chuckling.
Harry laughed quietly, but the movement caused Hermione to wake up. She growled at him, and he kissed the top of her head. “Sorry, Mia,” Harry said, yawning, “but you have a visitor.”
Hermione turned around and saw Remus, who had moved into the room and was now crouching by the bed. She smiled, and then, after looking him over, frowned. “Remus, you look awful.”
Remus chuckled again, and Harry mumbled, “That’s what I said.”
Remus smiled. “And to think I was about to tell you that you looked marvellous. Bed hair aside, of course,” he added, winking.
Hermione sat up, leaving Harry to work the crick out of his neck. “Thank you,” she said. “But really, Remus, what’s wrong?”
There was no way that Remus was going to tell Hermione anything. She had enough on her plate, and there was nothing that she could do to help him, anyway. “There’s nothing wrong.”
Hermione just looked at him for a moment, and then threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He returned the hug, having missed Hermione’s gentleness and willingness to dish out hugs to everyone and anyone. He thought of her hugging Snape and the resulting reaction and chuckled, pulling back to sit on the bed. Hermione and Harry made room for him, and Hermione smiled her warm smile at him, but Remus could see the worry behind her eyes. Remus sighed inwardly. He really didn’t want her to be concerned about him.
“It’s not as bad as all that,” he told her, smiling. “I’m a little tired, and I think I may be coming down with the werewolf flu. It’ll pass,” he added, remembering Sirius coming up with that as an excuse for missing Potions once.
Harry raised his eyebrows and smiled, unconsciously emulating the look that James had given Sirius over that comment. “The werewolf flu?” he asked.
Hermione sniggered, and soon all three of them were laughing. Remus was glad to be laughing once again, and watching Hermione hit Harry’s arm made him grin. Then she turned to Remus, looking serious. “Remus,” she said, “I want you to promise me you’ll get some rest.”
“Yes, mother,” Remus replied, unable to shake the memory of Lily saying the exact same thing twenty years before.
Harry chuckled, but he, too, looked serious. “You know she’s right, Remus.”
Remus groaned inwardly. What had he done to deserve having two teenagers wanting to mollycoddle him? “Maybe the fact that you look like you’re about to pass out has something to do with it?” the Sirius-voice suggested. Remus mentally rolled his eyes, and answered Harry. “Isn’t she always? She is, after all, the youngest Hogwarts Professor in history, you know.”
This comment prompted Hermione to say, “Oh, Remus, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
Remus smiled. “It’s all right, Hermione,” he told her. “Linda and I had it pretty much worked out after the first two weeks of the summer. When you finally told her, she decided she should tell her partner in crime.”
“What?” Hermione asked, her eyes wide.
Remus laughed. “You may have been able to fool this sod,” he said, indicating Harry, “but I’d like to think I’m rather more intelligent and - ouch!” Harry had hit him.
Harry smiled warmly. “You may look like hell, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let you insult me.”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Men.”
Remus was about to protest when there was a knock at the door. Hermione called out, “Come in.”
The door opened, and Snape entered the room. At least, he put his foot over the threshold. Remus didn’t think Snape wanted to be any further into Harry’s bedroom than that. “If you are ready, Professor Granger, we will be returning to Hogwarts shortly,” Snape said curtly.
Hermione nodded, sliding her legs off the bed. “Thank you, Professor, I’ll be down in a moment.”
Snape nodded and left. Remus’ hearing caught Ginny Weasley asking to speak to Snape privately when she returned to school, and wondered what that was about. He made a mental note to ask Snape the next time he saw him. Turning back to the two teenagers in front of him, Remus heard Harry asking Hermione if she was busy for the rest of the holidays.
Hermione replied by saying that she had to look over student records, which prompted Harry to look fearful. Remus chuckled as Hermione reassured him that she wouldn’t be looking as his. He imagined that Harry’s work was as exemplary as Sirius. They both had had other things on their minds whilst they had been at school, although Harry’s was distinctly more serious.
Harry looked relieved, and said, “You never know. I could be a genius.”
Remus laughed loudly at that. James had used to say that Lily all the time, but it had never worked. He saw that Harry looked insulted, and Remus quickly explained.
Harry’s face became torn, as it always did when someone mentioned his father, and Hermione hugged him hard, making him laugh. “I have to go,” she said.
The pair promised to arrange a meeting before the term starting, and then it was time to leave. Remus stood up and offered Hermione a hand. “I’ll walk you downstairs,” he said, pulling her to her feet.
Everyone was gathered at the bottom of the stairs, apart from the conspicuously absent Ron, who, Remus had gathered, had not taken the news that Hermione was the new Professor at all well. After goodbyes were said, Hermione and Snape left the house, and Remus was left to wonder how Hermione was going to cope with the new challenges before her.
END Part One (Part Two - Harry’s PoV coming soon)
Okay, so that's it. I've been frantically putting it up everywhere, and now kyizi and I are off to meet eretria and murron at the airport! Woohoo!