this is where i whine
It is too early to be up.
I took the day off of work, Monday - was feeling a horrible sore throat and gland thing. My stupid foot hurts - xray says heel spurs. And I can't stop thinking. So I am going to stay home and sleep and hope that Tuesday morning looks better than now.
I often wake up at 2 am ish thinking of all of the stupid things I said throughout the day. I worry about losing my job. I worry about offending people. I worry about losing friends because I say stupid stuff, do stupid stuff or don't do the right things. I worry that my dad is stuck between worlds, uneasy and lost. I worry about someone breaking into our house. I worry about Vaughan dying. I worry about going insane. I worry about some weird internet god reading all of this and making all of this happen. I worry that I am sounding crazy right now. I worry about being hospitalized again. I worry about Vaughan being like this. But I never worry about Karl and my best friends leaving me (that is reassuring)
All of this keeps me awake and starts a long spiral of crazy think and insomnia.
Don't like it.
I remember thinking that if Vaughan died for some reason, like babies do, that it would be horrible, terrible, unbelievable. There is so much around how fragile babies are and all of the evil things that can happen. It was one of those things that could be accepted in a depressing way - always be on the look out, check his breathing at night, pick up small objects from the floor, don't push the top of his head too hard... Now that he is two, he is kind of out there in the world and I feel like the fragile part of his life is over. I don't expect him to die now or ever. But sometimes lately, especially at 3 am when I am worrying over nothing, I let the thought in just a tiny bit. I imagine, for a second, what it would be like if he died suddenly, tragically, or from a long illness. Little bits of me shudder when I think like this. My life would shatter into millions of lost pieces.
It is morbid and silly but it is more real than anything I know.
This is a very good reason to never have children.
So if that doesn't keep me up, something else will.
I would never change or go back but since I was pregnant and had Vaughan, something in me changed. My body aged a million years, even my hands look like a 70 year old woman. I take twice as long to recover from sick, drink, cuts, bruises... And my head - it always had dark places. But those places were able to be managed. Not so much anymore.
This is a very good reason to never have children.
But I have had a child and I don't regret it. I only regret that my body and mind have come to a place that may have turned the corner for good.
The feeling that something is horribly wrong.
I want to go back and start over, but take Karl and Vaughan with me.
I'm going to watch some uplifting British comedy now and try to fall asleep before the sun comes out.
I took the day off of work, Monday - was feeling a horrible sore throat and gland thing. My stupid foot hurts - xray says heel spurs. And I can't stop thinking. So I am going to stay home and sleep and hope that Tuesday morning looks better than now.
I often wake up at 2 am ish thinking of all of the stupid things I said throughout the day. I worry about losing my job. I worry about offending people. I worry about losing friends because I say stupid stuff, do stupid stuff or don't do the right things. I worry that my dad is stuck between worlds, uneasy and lost. I worry about someone breaking into our house. I worry about Vaughan dying. I worry about going insane. I worry about some weird internet god reading all of this and making all of this happen. I worry that I am sounding crazy right now. I worry about being hospitalized again. I worry about Vaughan being like this. But I never worry about Karl and my best friends leaving me (that is reassuring)
All of this keeps me awake and starts a long spiral of crazy think and insomnia.
Don't like it.
I remember thinking that if Vaughan died for some reason, like babies do, that it would be horrible, terrible, unbelievable. There is so much around how fragile babies are and all of the evil things that can happen. It was one of those things that could be accepted in a depressing way - always be on the look out, check his breathing at night, pick up small objects from the floor, don't push the top of his head too hard... Now that he is two, he is kind of out there in the world and I feel like the fragile part of his life is over. I don't expect him to die now or ever. But sometimes lately, especially at 3 am when I am worrying over nothing, I let the thought in just a tiny bit. I imagine, for a second, what it would be like if he died suddenly, tragically, or from a long illness. Little bits of me shudder when I think like this. My life would shatter into millions of lost pieces.
It is morbid and silly but it is more real than anything I know.
This is a very good reason to never have children.
So if that doesn't keep me up, something else will.
I would never change or go back but since I was pregnant and had Vaughan, something in me changed. My body aged a million years, even my hands look like a 70 year old woman. I take twice as long to recover from sick, drink, cuts, bruises... And my head - it always had dark places. But those places were able to be managed. Not so much anymore.
This is a very good reason to never have children.
But I have had a child and I don't regret it. I only regret that my body and mind have come to a place that may have turned the corner for good.
The feeling that something is horribly wrong.
I want to go back and start over, but take Karl and Vaughan with me.
I'm going to watch some uplifting British comedy now and try to fall asleep before the sun comes out.