People come up with the most wonderful schemes when they're young. Interesting question though.
I remember moments of being happy, like sitting in the sun reading a book, or being in quiet and total peace, or curling up in clean pyjamas with a fresh, hot cup of cider. Even crawling into a clean, freshly made bed has a feeling of satisfaction.
There is satisfaction in the clean smell of the air after a rain storm, or a snowfall in December when winter's still clean and the sky is black. There are wonderful summer evenings sitting in the cooling air, sitting in the dark, smelling the citronella pails, or watching a dieing bonfire.
My favourite thing is being held close to Boyfriend and just existing there with him, being safe, and secure, and perfectly love, feeling that safety, and warmth and love radiate out of him and into me.
I've found so many instances, events, memories where I can say I was satisfied, but to reflect on them I wonder to myself if I've ever obtained that feeling of complete satisfaction for even a moment.
I'm not the sort to be "happy as a clam". For some reason I'm very aware of the forward thrust of time, knowing that it's something I can't control, and knowing that no moment can exist forever. I suppose that would be the root of everything. Even the most wonderful moment, even being held safe by Boyfriend, I'm aware that it has to eventually end, that I will have to leave, and that something will come after.
I know that eventually, no matter what pleasure, or joy, or happiness I experience, I'm either going to have to give it up, or I'm going to become dissatisfied with it. I am always somewhat dissatisfied with everything.
I think that it's an essential part of my personality, the inability to be satisfied. I find that it's dissatisfaction and the ever present knowledge of it, the constant understanding that even at the beginning of a great moment it has to end, is what drives me to keep moving forward all the time. If anything I would say I find satisfaction in being dissatisfied because without something to drive me, without something to push forward to, I lose all meaning in life.
Yes, there is such a thing as doing too much (as experience has taught), but I just find it impossible to allow myself to become too satisfied with anything. My personality, my way of thinking, just doesn't allow it. I am forever aware that I can make something better, that I can go someplace better, that I can get something better.
Had I done that when I was a kid (as a kid my mother said I was the most irritating thing for being curious, and inquisitive, and stubborn, and independent) I'm sure I would have kept thinking of more things I could add to the table to make it better. At some point I probably would have tried to talk my sister into playing servant for me in order to more practically get all the things I wanted so I would be able to stay.
When I was a kid though, my big thing was dressing up and putting on personalities. One morning I would wake up and be a duchess, the next morning I could wake up and be a highschool student like my sister. I do remember waking up in the morning as a kid, and deciding "today I want to be a movie star", and then I would dress the part, and run around the house acting like how I thought a movie star would act.
I'm still like that. I suppose the only thing that I find satisfying is the ability to create things with the mind. To imagine. To move beyond reality and the moment, to create some sort of permanent and satisfying ideal within the mind.
But I'm going on again, and that's embarassing.
I like the picture though. You do look very happy, and it's so 80s too. That makes me nostalgic.
I remember moments of being happy, like sitting in the sun reading a book, or being in quiet and total peace, or curling up in clean pyjamas with a fresh, hot cup of cider. Even crawling into a clean, freshly made bed has a feeling of satisfaction.
There is satisfaction in the clean smell of the air after a rain storm, or a snowfall in December when winter's still clean and the sky is black. There are wonderful summer evenings sitting in the cooling air, sitting in the dark, smelling the citronella pails, or watching a dieing bonfire.
My favourite thing is being held close to Boyfriend and just existing there with him, being safe, and secure, and perfectly love, feeling that safety, and warmth and love radiate out of him and into me.
I've found so many instances, events, memories where I can say I was satisfied, but to reflect on them I wonder to myself if I've ever obtained that feeling of complete satisfaction for even a moment.
I'm not the sort to be "happy as a clam". For some reason I'm very aware of the forward thrust of time, knowing that it's something I can't control, and knowing that no moment can exist forever. I suppose that would be the root of everything. Even the most wonderful moment, even being held safe by Boyfriend, I'm aware that it has to eventually end, that I will have to leave, and that something will come after.
I know that eventually, no matter what pleasure, or joy, or happiness I experience, I'm either going to have to give it up, or I'm going to become dissatisfied with it. I am always somewhat dissatisfied with everything.
I think that it's an essential part of my personality, the inability to be satisfied. I find that it's dissatisfaction and the ever present knowledge of it, the constant understanding that even at the beginning of a great moment it has to end, is what drives me to keep moving forward all the time. If anything I would say I find satisfaction in being dissatisfied because without something to drive me, without something to push forward to, I lose all meaning in life.
Yes, there is such a thing as doing too much (as experience has taught), but I just find it impossible to allow myself to become too satisfied with anything. My personality, my way of thinking, just doesn't allow it. I am forever aware that I can make something better, that I can go someplace better, that I can get something better.
Had I done that when I was a kid (as a kid my mother said I was the most irritating thing for being curious, and inquisitive, and stubborn, and independent) I'm sure I would have kept thinking of more things I could add to the table to make it better. At some point I probably would have tried to talk my sister into playing servant for me in order to more practically get all the things I wanted so I would be able to stay.
When I was a kid though, my big thing was dressing up and putting on personalities. One morning I would wake up and be a duchess, the next morning I could wake up and be a highschool student like my sister. I do remember waking up in the morning as a kid, and deciding "today I want to be a movie star", and then I would dress the part, and run around the house acting like how I thought a movie star would act.
I'm still like that. I suppose the only thing that I find satisfying is the ability to create things with the mind. To imagine. To move beyond reality and the moment, to create some sort of permanent and satisfying ideal within the mind.
But I'm going on again, and that's embarassing.
I like the picture though. You do look very happy, and it's so 80s too. That makes me nostalgic.
Reply
Leave a comment