The angst
Damn that headache. It is just annoying, like a mosquito's peep.
What have I been doing these days? Oh well. I made a couple of friendship bracelets, finished reading "The Gadfly" by E.L.Voynich, had a sleepless night and started playing the game I wanted to play for a long time. That's all. And that's nothing, except the book, but I can hardly speak of it now because it drives me too emotional.
I can't get a rest. I just don't know how to calm down, I don't know what the feeling of peace is. Almost everything makes me get nervous. I am tired. I can't say anything, I'm just tired. Tomorrow my parents are coming home, and that alone makes me shudder. Maybe I've been thinking too much about it today, but I went to a conclusion that just their presence in the flat makes me feel uneasy, and I would give away almost anything just to get a small corner far away from them, as far as possible. I am scared of myself, because I can't remember anything bad they could do to me, they didn't punish me, and yet I don't have any feelings towards them except negative. I don't know what I am then. An ungrateful, capricious and spoilt child - and this is the best I can say about myself, the worst is - I am a beast, and I sometimes really think I am. I have to do everything in my power to be nice with them, and still they notice when I am nervous and get offended. I know that if they need help, I shall help them - but only because that's my duty, and not because of any love. I always feel guilty towards them, guilty for everything, sometimes even for the fact that I still exist, and their child is me instead of another, obedient and calm girl or boy. I can't cope with this guilt anymore, it unnerves me and eventually drives mad, and yet I can't help thinking of it. Besides, I cannot discuss it with anyone now - the only person I could speak to got annoyed that I am always depressed when nothind bad happened, and now I am afraid to speak on this subject.
On the one hand, I envy people from other countries for whom visiting a psychologist is common practice. On the other hand... I don't think I'll do it now after an incident about a year ago. I am still afraid, because because of that all I almost lost an ability to trust people. I love them, I adore them, I can do anything for them, but I don't trust them. And now, no matter what happens, the first thing I do is find fault with myself - not "search" but always "find", so any way of expressing negative emotions becomes "whining", and I don't have a right to blame anyone because the one to blame is myself. I wish I could at least once just cry and say that I feel terrible, freely. Even if I make up my mind to visit a doctor. Besides, I am afraid to hear something terrible that I never knew about myself again, and I'll believe it anyway. I wonder if I can hate myself even more. When we discuss some character with my friends, I am afraid to call him or her bad or other unfavourable word - what if the answer will be: "Look at yourself, because you are the same!"? And I can't ask a person, even a closest friend or a doctor, to be more mild with me. The first reason is that this would be weakness, the second is that I am too bad, and I so don't deserve it. Well. I am scared of myself. And tired. I wish I were left alone for some more time...
What have I been doing these days? Oh well. I made a couple of friendship bracelets, finished reading "The Gadfly" by E.L.Voynich, had a sleepless night and started playing the game I wanted to play for a long time. That's all. And that's nothing, except the book, but I can hardly speak of it now because it drives me too emotional.
I can't get a rest. I just don't know how to calm down, I don't know what the feeling of peace is. Almost everything makes me get nervous. I am tired. I can't say anything, I'm just tired. Tomorrow my parents are coming home, and that alone makes me shudder. Maybe I've been thinking too much about it today, but I went to a conclusion that just their presence in the flat makes me feel uneasy, and I would give away almost anything just to get a small corner far away from them, as far as possible. I am scared of myself, because I can't remember anything bad they could do to me, they didn't punish me, and yet I don't have any feelings towards them except negative. I don't know what I am then. An ungrateful, capricious and spoilt child - and this is the best I can say about myself, the worst is - I am a beast, and I sometimes really think I am. I have to do everything in my power to be nice with them, and still they notice when I am nervous and get offended. I know that if they need help, I shall help them - but only because that's my duty, and not because of any love. I always feel guilty towards them, guilty for everything, sometimes even for the fact that I still exist, and their child is me instead of another, obedient and calm girl or boy. I can't cope with this guilt anymore, it unnerves me and eventually drives mad, and yet I can't help thinking of it. Besides, I cannot discuss it with anyone now - the only person I could speak to got annoyed that I am always depressed when nothind bad happened, and now I am afraid to speak on this subject.
On the one hand, I envy people from other countries for whom visiting a psychologist is common practice. On the other hand... I don't think I'll do it now after an incident about a year ago. I am still afraid, because because of that all I almost lost an ability to trust people. I love them, I adore them, I can do anything for them, but I don't trust them. And now, no matter what happens, the first thing I do is find fault with myself - not "search" but always "find", so any way of expressing negative emotions becomes "whining", and I don't have a right to blame anyone because the one to blame is myself. I wish I could at least once just cry and say that I feel terrible, freely. Even if I make up my mind to visit a doctor. Besides, I am afraid to hear something terrible that I never knew about myself again, and I'll believe it anyway. I wonder if I can hate myself even more. When we discuss some character with my friends, I am afraid to call him or her bad or other unfavourable word - what if the answer will be: "Look at yourself, because you are the same!"? And I can't ask a person, even a closest friend or a doctor, to be more mild with me. The first reason is that this would be weakness, the second is that I am too bad, and I so don't deserve it. Well. I am scared of myself. And tired. I wish I were left alone for some more time...