What I can't forget
Loneliness is when there's nobody you can tell your dream. (c)
Seems that the only thing I can speak of anytime is dreams. In dreams I get experience which I can get nowhere else, but still I can't help asking myself: if it's for real, what would I do then? If such a situation occurs in reality, will I behave the same way, or is it just a reflection of what I think is right to do? And I keep answering - yes, I will, because everything that happens there is real at the time I see it. I can never say: "Oh, this is only a dream so there's no need to be afraid, I'll stay alive anyway". No matter what is happening, I always live there. And, after awakening I usually realize that I had been myself all the time. But still...
I keep seeing two of my childhood friends in dreams - they are a brother and a sister. They are both younger than me, and they lost their parents early. I can't speak about it, and less I can write anything about it, but I know from others that their life has turned into a disaster. Mostly because their grandmother who can't get over the loss of her daughter allows them to do anything, and they... do anything. And in my dreams they always remain small children. Last time I saw them was a weird dream... Some creature, similar to a vampire or another undead, was following us, and I tried to attract its attention to myself, for them to get away. And it threatened and hit me with a knife, I couldn't protect myself because I ha nothing to do it with, and my hands were in blood because it cut me, but finally it disappeared for some reason, and another dream began, which I don't remember now. The main thing is that I can't speak of it all freely because... Can anyone understand that I am not telling it to them to show off? Can they see that I badly want to express my feelings for those I see in dreams and the emotions that haunt me? I'm not always sure. But... why should I show off?! In reality I can do nothing for them. I can't say anything to them because I am afraid to hurt their feelings and they won't listen anyway. What can that dream change?!
Another one... A dream where a war started. It took place in some distant future, the whole story is very long and I have already described it in another blog. Anyway, it doesn't much matter now. What I wanted to tell most but couldn't find words was the final part. I found a secret base at last, where people were hiding. Also it was a place where the young were being educated and trained to become soldiers. Once I was present at their lecture, and the lecturer was an elderly woman. She was showing them some video about what was happening during that were, and for some moments I saw... myself and my friend, who was also present then. I didn't quite get what was wrong, it was a dream anyway, but I had a feeling that all we had to get through at that time was made up to show those students how they should behave. Afterwards I hurried to my room, and one of the guys stopped me and said something like: "Holy crap, you appeared to be so cool!" And I was stunned. I couldn't say a word though I wanted to scream to him: "How can you say it? Those stupid words I get after all I had to overcome, you know nothing about it! Forget me, you don't even know what my friend felt! As if I wanted you to think I'm brave, cool, or what?! I just wanted to save my friend then, and him to be happy, and never to remind him of that!" That "cool"... and his tone... As if he laughed at me. But I never answered, I just left the room. It was not his fault that he couldn't understand. Instead of this I found that lady and unleashed it all to her. She stayed calm and only flung out: "We have to do it, because they must learn to fight, or everyone will die". After that I told her that it's better to die but remain human that be taught with such methods, and left again.
My God, I feel exhausted even after writing this all here...
When in some book the reader is made to think: "This character IS brave/good/heroic", and it is said directly, and the attention is concentrated on it, I can't stand it. I think the author must be able to help the reader kindly to feel it. And to see that, besides everything, this "hero" is a human being, he is attatched to someone, he has emotions, and that while his heart told him to behave this or that way, he just couldn't disobey it. Otherwise it's the same as this "you are cool", leaving the feelings behind.
Still there seems to be too much theatrics in my words... Don't ever want it, but what can I do, I wonder?
Seems that the only thing I can speak of anytime is dreams. In dreams I get experience which I can get nowhere else, but still I can't help asking myself: if it's for real, what would I do then? If such a situation occurs in reality, will I behave the same way, or is it just a reflection of what I think is right to do? And I keep answering - yes, I will, because everything that happens there is real at the time I see it. I can never say: "Oh, this is only a dream so there's no need to be afraid, I'll stay alive anyway". No matter what is happening, I always live there. And, after awakening I usually realize that I had been myself all the time. But still...
I keep seeing two of my childhood friends in dreams - they are a brother and a sister. They are both younger than me, and they lost their parents early. I can't speak about it, and less I can write anything about it, but I know from others that their life has turned into a disaster. Mostly because their grandmother who can't get over the loss of her daughter allows them to do anything, and they... do anything. And in my dreams they always remain small children. Last time I saw them was a weird dream... Some creature, similar to a vampire or another undead, was following us, and I tried to attract its attention to myself, for them to get away. And it threatened and hit me with a knife, I couldn't protect myself because I ha nothing to do it with, and my hands were in blood because it cut me, but finally it disappeared for some reason, and another dream began, which I don't remember now. The main thing is that I can't speak of it all freely because... Can anyone understand that I am not telling it to them to show off? Can they see that I badly want to express my feelings for those I see in dreams and the emotions that haunt me? I'm not always sure. But... why should I show off?! In reality I can do nothing for them. I can't say anything to them because I am afraid to hurt their feelings and they won't listen anyway. What can that dream change?!
Another one... A dream where a war started. It took place in some distant future, the whole story is very long and I have already described it in another blog. Anyway, it doesn't much matter now. What I wanted to tell most but couldn't find words was the final part. I found a secret base at last, where people were hiding. Also it was a place where the young were being educated and trained to become soldiers. Once I was present at their lecture, and the lecturer was an elderly woman. She was showing them some video about what was happening during that were, and for some moments I saw... myself and my friend, who was also present then. I didn't quite get what was wrong, it was a dream anyway, but I had a feeling that all we had to get through at that time was made up to show those students how they should behave. Afterwards I hurried to my room, and one of the guys stopped me and said something like: "Holy crap, you appeared to be so cool!" And I was stunned. I couldn't say a word though I wanted to scream to him: "How can you say it? Those stupid words I get after all I had to overcome, you know nothing about it! Forget me, you don't even know what my friend felt! As if I wanted you to think I'm brave, cool, or what?! I just wanted to save my friend then, and him to be happy, and never to remind him of that!" That "cool"... and his tone... As if he laughed at me. But I never answered, I just left the room. It was not his fault that he couldn't understand. Instead of this I found that lady and unleashed it all to her. She stayed calm and only flung out: "We have to do it, because they must learn to fight, or everyone will die". After that I told her that it's better to die but remain human that be taught with such methods, and left again.
My God, I feel exhausted even after writing this all here...
When in some book the reader is made to think: "This character IS brave/good/heroic", and it is said directly, and the attention is concentrated on it, I can't stand it. I think the author must be able to help the reader kindly to feel it. And to see that, besides everything, this "hero" is a human being, he is attatched to someone, he has emotions, and that while his heart told him to behave this or that way, he just couldn't disobey it. Otherwise it's the same as this "you are cool", leaving the feelings behind.
Still there seems to be too much theatrics in my words... Don't ever want it, but what can I do, I wonder?