digging deep
feeling pretty excited about how on top of the morning pages ive become. i think writing here has been helpful. it was difficult to get out of bed this morning. took a long time. i put neem oil on my head last night. what an awful idea. i cannot handle the smell of that shit so close to my head. so this morning i added some patchouli to coconut and jojoba oil to rub into my scalp. i didnt want to take a shower just yet, so i figured id just put more shit on to cover up that smell. llave went skating las night so i read in bed and then i started to search for cortney on social media. no luck. but i did find her husband. it looks like they are still married and have a kid whos probably six. a girl i think. he has barely any photos of her or their family but lots of older photos of things hes killed. did she think i wouldnt be ok with the type of life she leads now? was i too judgmental? i dunno. its not like we were the kind of friends that shared a deep connection, but she was someone who was in my life during a very difficult time. she was someone i could lean on and helped me stabilize. i think its just scary not knowing why someone stops communicating with you. there is one photo from 2015 where she is with her husbands family two or three other couples. she has hair to her shoulders, a cute and modest summer dress and a big smile. that made me happy. thinking of cortney happy. i wonder what she does now. if she still does art. is she really a mother? what kind of mother is she like? does she see her family often? whats her mom doing? is she still buddhist? i dont think either of her parents ever really liked me. i was harmless, but too weird. and poor. they offered me a glimpse into a world i had never encountered before. compost, gardens and a deep freezer. maybe other folks i had been around had deep freezers too, but im not sure. amanda and alisha?
i worked on updating my tumblr account all day yesterday. i finished just after llave came home. it was alot of work. and then he suggested i switch to blogger. ha!
going to azoth tonight for filastine. i actually dont know if i will stay late enough to catch filastine, also depends on if llave goes and how late the buses run. i wanna go early so i can hopefully i can talk to the folks who run the space about hosting serpentine. if it wasnt to check the space out for cypress, i might not have the energy to go tonight. but im also looking forward to dancing.
i worked on updating my tumblr account all day yesterday. i finished just after llave came home. it was alot of work. and then he suggested i switch to blogger. ha!
going to azoth tonight for filastine. i actually dont know if i will stay late enough to catch filastine, also depends on if llave goes and how late the buses run. i wanna go early so i can hopefully i can talk to the folks who run the space about hosting serpentine. if it wasnt to check the space out for cypress, i might not have the energy to go tonight. but im also looking forward to dancing.