Playing the Hero (5/5)
Here's the last part of the death fic.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.
Huge thanks to the awsome joey51, for beta'ing this. And also, thanks to mel39 for inspiring this; we joked a lot about who should take the blame for killing Ryan, and it was very hard to write, but I'm kind of glad I gave it a shot, and I probbaly wouldn't have without you. ;)
There, katwoman76, the dreaded death fic is over. :) I hope you'll forgive me for all this (and, really, promise, never again).
Part V
There are flowers on the grave-a bunch of lilies that look exactly like what Seth's mom would like, and a pitiful, faded bunch of yellow roses. Seth doesn't know who put them there, but he has suspicions.
It doesn't matter.
He's not here for the flowers.
He's here to spend a few minutes staring at the tombstone, trying to find something to say, before deciding that thinking or, even worse, talking alone in a cemetery is too cliché, too creepy, too pathetic, even for him.
Seth has spent a lot of time in the last few months feeling angry at Ryan.
No matter how many times the Cohens had told him that he was dear to them, and to please be careful, he still ended up listening to his overdeveloped feelings of duty, and getting himself killed.
The girl he saved wrote to the Cohens once, and sent a card for Christmas.
Seth thinks his parents replied to the letter, but he doesn't know what they're going to do about the card, and can't bring himself to care.
The guy who killed Ryan is being tried now, and according to Seth's dad, he should be sentenced to ten years, and paroled in maybe five.
Not nearly enough, Seth thinks.
The Cohens are doggedly trying to live on.
Seth's mom still cries fairly often, he knows.
His dad is greying fast now, and looks sad pretty much all the time, and has started to work at the PD's office again, which was predictable.
Seth is still dating Summer, and Marissa hasn't called any of them in weeks, and they know that Julie is worried about her.
You'd be worried too, I bet, Seth thinks, looking at the grave.
There's no answer, but then Ryan was never big on words.
They all dutifully went through the stages of grief, and talked to a therapist, like good little WASPs that they are, and Seth doesn't think it helped, not even a little, but he has to admit that the pain is starting to abate somewhat.
But only somewhat.
***
"Are you sure about that?" Kirsten asks the Nana.
"Certain," the Nana replies, her tone brooking no argument.
"Thank you."
The Nana nods and goes back to baking cookies.
She has been incredibly nice to all of them, since that day, and Sandy and Kirsten can't forget that she stayed with Ryan until they arrived, that she was the last person of their family who he saw.
"You know, I never said so to Seth, but I like the idea of Chrismukkah," the Nana says after a while.
Kirsten chuckles. "You should tell him. I think he's always been worried about your reaction, as it's not…"
"One hundred percent Jewish?" the Nana finishes when Kirsten trails off.
"Something like that."
There's a companionable silence as the Nana puts the cookies in the oven and Kirsten sips her Coke. "I think Ryan liked it, too," she says out of the blue.
It has been happening to her a lot recently. She and Sandy, or Seth, talk about something, and she throws in a little something about Ryan.
"Who wouldn't?" the Nana asked.
"As much as he could like any holiday," Kirsten adds.
It's hard to talk about Ryan, to dredge up old memories, but it would be even harder not to talk about him-it would letting him fade away, forgetting him, and Kirsten can't accept that.
"You miss him," the Nana states, her tone neutral.
Kirsten nods. At this point she probably wouldn't be able to talk without breaking down.
"It's okay," the Nana says, reaching over and patting Kirsten's hand.
Kirsten smiles and drinks, thinking that it's not okay yet, but that it will be, because there's no other choice.
***
Sandy looks out at the sea, a coffee in one hand, the newspaper in the other.
It's too early for Seth and Kirsten to be up, and Sandy enjoys the quiet, before Chrismukkah hits full gear. Seth can be a little overwhelming sometimes, when he's in the holiday spirit. He has been quieter this year, though, and much as Sandy would like to be relieved, he can't be-not when he knows why Seth is subdued.
Sometimes, they're almost fine, the three of them, and then it hits them again.
The pool house is empty now. He and Kirsten took Ryan things out and put them in an empty room on the first floor, and no one has slept in the pool house since Ryan. The last time Hailey visited them, she asked if she could have it; Kirsten blanched, and Hailey backtracked quickly, saying that it was okay, that she would take the guest room.
Sandy almost felt bad for her, but this had been Ryan's room, and it would remain so.
Dawn called Sandy yesterday, crying, accusing him again of getting her son killed. Sandy would like to be mad at her, but he can't. She lost her son, and he understands her need to lash out.
Besides, there is some truth in what she says.
Sandy told Ryan, several times, that he couldn't be expected to save everyone around him, but Sandy himself is well-known for his tendency to try and save people. Without that, Ryan would never have become a Cohen.
He knows that Seth is angry at Ryan for getting himself killed, and Sandy is, too, a little, but mostly, he understands and accepts that this was who Ryan was, and it was one of the reasons why Sandy loved him so much.
"Hey, dad," Seth says, startling him.
Sandy smiles. "Hey, sleep well?"
"Not really." Seth shrugs, a crooked smile on his lips. "I'm too used to dorm life; I can't sleep when it's quiet anymore."
Sandy nods. "I remember dorm life," he says.
Seth blushes, and Sandy chuckles. "Subtle, son."
Seth blushes some more, and changes topic abruptly. "So, are we going to go rent movies for tonight?"
"Oh, you bet we are," Sandy says, trying to act more upbeat than he feels.
As if he had read his thoughts, Seth sighs. "It won't be the same."
"No, it won't be." Sandy goes over and puts an arm on Seth's shoulders. "I'm sure it won't be easy on any of us," he adds. "We can only…"
"Wait until it gets better?"
Sandy nods. "Yes."
"I know. It sucks."
Sandy smiles. "It does."
***
When Kirsten wakes up and comes into the living area, Seth and Sandy are flopped on the couch in front of the TV, commenting on the movie they're watching.
"No, dad, really, it's embarrassing."
"But I thought that Ninja was…"
Smiling, she pours herself a cup of coffee and goes to sit between her son and her husband, gratefully leaning on Sandy.
She lets what Seth and Sandy are saying wash over her, their words soothing and comforting.
Holidays are always weird to go through, and she has no doubt that this year will be even worse. She misses Ryan, and she's sure that she, and Seth, and Sandy, will keep talking about him in the next few days, and even in the next few months; it's the only way they can continue to include him in their lives, the only way for them to make sure he's still with them, in some way.
I hurts, but it also helps, just a little.
And since a little is all they have, it will have to be enough.
END
And now, having thoroughly depressed you all, I'll go feel guilty in a corner.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
A/N : A plot-less, angsty, drabbly five-shots.
Huge thanks to the awsome joey51, for beta'ing this. And also, thanks to mel39 for inspiring this; we joked a lot about who should take the blame for killing Ryan, and it was very hard to write, but I'm kind of glad I gave it a shot, and I probbaly wouldn't have without you. ;)
There, katwoman76, the dreaded death fic is over. :) I hope you'll forgive me for all this (and, really, promise, never again).
Part V
There are flowers on the grave-a bunch of lilies that look exactly like what Seth's mom would like, and a pitiful, faded bunch of yellow roses. Seth doesn't know who put them there, but he has suspicions.
It doesn't matter.
He's not here for the flowers.
He's here to spend a few minutes staring at the tombstone, trying to find something to say, before deciding that thinking or, even worse, talking alone in a cemetery is too cliché, too creepy, too pathetic, even for him.
Seth has spent a lot of time in the last few months feeling angry at Ryan.
No matter how many times the Cohens had told him that he was dear to them, and to please be careful, he still ended up listening to his overdeveloped feelings of duty, and getting himself killed.
The girl he saved wrote to the Cohens once, and sent a card for Christmas.
Seth thinks his parents replied to the letter, but he doesn't know what they're going to do about the card, and can't bring himself to care.
The guy who killed Ryan is being tried now, and according to Seth's dad, he should be sentenced to ten years, and paroled in maybe five.
Not nearly enough, Seth thinks.
The Cohens are doggedly trying to live on.
Seth's mom still cries fairly often, he knows.
His dad is greying fast now, and looks sad pretty much all the time, and has started to work at the PD's office again, which was predictable.
Seth is still dating Summer, and Marissa hasn't called any of them in weeks, and they know that Julie is worried about her.
You'd be worried too, I bet, Seth thinks, looking at the grave.
There's no answer, but then Ryan was never big on words.
They all dutifully went through the stages of grief, and talked to a therapist, like good little WASPs that they are, and Seth doesn't think it helped, not even a little, but he has to admit that the pain is starting to abate somewhat.
But only somewhat.
***
"Are you sure about that?" Kirsten asks the Nana.
"Certain," the Nana replies, her tone brooking no argument.
"Thank you."
The Nana nods and goes back to baking cookies.
She has been incredibly nice to all of them, since that day, and Sandy and Kirsten can't forget that she stayed with Ryan until they arrived, that she was the last person of their family who he saw.
"You know, I never said so to Seth, but I like the idea of Chrismukkah," the Nana says after a while.
Kirsten chuckles. "You should tell him. I think he's always been worried about your reaction, as it's not…"
"One hundred percent Jewish?" the Nana finishes when Kirsten trails off.
"Something like that."
There's a companionable silence as the Nana puts the cookies in the oven and Kirsten sips her Coke. "I think Ryan liked it, too," she says out of the blue.
It has been happening to her a lot recently. She and Sandy, or Seth, talk about something, and she throws in a little something about Ryan.
"Who wouldn't?" the Nana asked.
"As much as he could like any holiday," Kirsten adds.
It's hard to talk about Ryan, to dredge up old memories, but it would be even harder not to talk about him-it would letting him fade away, forgetting him, and Kirsten can't accept that.
"You miss him," the Nana states, her tone neutral.
Kirsten nods. At this point she probably wouldn't be able to talk without breaking down.
"It's okay," the Nana says, reaching over and patting Kirsten's hand.
Kirsten smiles and drinks, thinking that it's not okay yet, but that it will be, because there's no other choice.
***
Sandy looks out at the sea, a coffee in one hand, the newspaper in the other.
It's too early for Seth and Kirsten to be up, and Sandy enjoys the quiet, before Chrismukkah hits full gear. Seth can be a little overwhelming sometimes, when he's in the holiday spirit. He has been quieter this year, though, and much as Sandy would like to be relieved, he can't be-not when he knows why Seth is subdued.
Sometimes, they're almost fine, the three of them, and then it hits them again.
The pool house is empty now. He and Kirsten took Ryan things out and put them in an empty room on the first floor, and no one has slept in the pool house since Ryan. The last time Hailey visited them, she asked if she could have it; Kirsten blanched, and Hailey backtracked quickly, saying that it was okay, that she would take the guest room.
Sandy almost felt bad for her, but this had been Ryan's room, and it would remain so.
Dawn called Sandy yesterday, crying, accusing him again of getting her son killed. Sandy would like to be mad at her, but he can't. She lost her son, and he understands her need to lash out.
Besides, there is some truth in what she says.
Sandy told Ryan, several times, that he couldn't be expected to save everyone around him, but Sandy himself is well-known for his tendency to try and save people. Without that, Ryan would never have become a Cohen.
He knows that Seth is angry at Ryan for getting himself killed, and Sandy is, too, a little, but mostly, he understands and accepts that this was who Ryan was, and it was one of the reasons why Sandy loved him so much.
"Hey, dad," Seth says, startling him.
Sandy smiles. "Hey, sleep well?"
"Not really." Seth shrugs, a crooked smile on his lips. "I'm too used to dorm life; I can't sleep when it's quiet anymore."
Sandy nods. "I remember dorm life," he says.
Seth blushes, and Sandy chuckles. "Subtle, son."
Seth blushes some more, and changes topic abruptly. "So, are we going to go rent movies for tonight?"
"Oh, you bet we are," Sandy says, trying to act more upbeat than he feels.
As if he had read his thoughts, Seth sighs. "It won't be the same."
"No, it won't be." Sandy goes over and puts an arm on Seth's shoulders. "I'm sure it won't be easy on any of us," he adds. "We can only…"
"Wait until it gets better?"
Sandy nods. "Yes."
"I know. It sucks."
Sandy smiles. "It does."
***
When Kirsten wakes up and comes into the living area, Seth and Sandy are flopped on the couch in front of the TV, commenting on the movie they're watching.
"No, dad, really, it's embarrassing."
"But I thought that Ninja was…"
Smiling, she pours herself a cup of coffee and goes to sit between her son and her husband, gratefully leaning on Sandy.
She lets what Seth and Sandy are saying wash over her, their words soothing and comforting.
Holidays are always weird to go through, and she has no doubt that this year will be even worse. She misses Ryan, and she's sure that she, and Seth, and Sandy, will keep talking about him in the next few days, and even in the next few months; it's the only way they can continue to include him in their lives, the only way for them to make sure he's still with them, in some way.
I hurts, but it also helps, just a little.
And since a little is all they have, it will have to be enough.
END
And now, having thoroughly depressed you all, I'll go feel guilty in a corner.