OC Fic : Fork In The Road (9/9)
Title : Fork In The Road
Author : Helen C.
Rating : R (M)
Summary : AU. Dawn never left in the Pilot, and Ryan came back to Chino for a while. Years later, he and Seth meet in Los Angeles.
Spoilers : Everything is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
joey51 stayed up until some ungodly hour in the night to beta this, and that's one of the many reasons why she's the best beta ever. :) Thanks, Joey!
Chapter 9
Four months later
It's a typical Newport event, Seth thinks. Snobbish, superficial, a giant advertisement for Botox and Zoloft.
People who smile at each other, before figuratively stabbing each other in the back.
He hates this-every time he comes to one of these parties, he remembers why he left this town. He has never understood how his mother could be so fond of them. When he was younger, he just chalked it up to the strange ways of adult women, but now, he's totally baffled.
He may have had his differences with his mom, but she's a tasteful, elegant, sincere woman, and he doesn't understand what she gets out of these gatherings.
When he sees Taryn coming his way, Seth frantically looks for an exit. The woman has been downright insistent ever since Seth has hit eighteen, and he doesn't know how he could be clearer than, "For God's sake, get your hands off me, woman!" as he once yelled when he was drunk and she made a grab for him.
Thankfully, no one was around to witness the scene.
He's not sure he'd ever have lived it down.
Slipping through the nearest open door, Seth stumbles on the patio, and as usual, stops and stares at the poolhouse, thinking about past days and missed opportunities.
This damn poolhouse always makes him introspective, always makes his dad look more somber.
But he won't tell anyone about Ryan, he made a pact with himself and he intends to keep it.
There wouldn't be any point anyway. Ryan is not doing anything stupid or illegal; he's as safe as anyone can be, and he did that all by himself, which impresses Seth, who sometimes feels like he can barely cross the street without causing some sort of disaster.
Ryan doesn't need help anymore, and has made it clear that he would resent any attempt made in that sense.
His dad's voice startles Seth. "You okay, son?"
Seth smiles sadly, accepting the bottle of beer his dad is handing him. "Sure. Just, you know… not used to all the piranhas anymore."
"I'd tell you it's your own fault for not coming here more often, but, yes, I understand why you don't come more often. God knows I'm still trying to find excuses not to get involved in these things."
Father and son sit on the ground, near the pool, and sip at their beer.
It would be the ideal evening, if there wasn't a party in the house-a party they'll have to get back to, eventually.
With luck, Taryn will have found another victim by then.
"You've seemed sad," Seth's dad says. "For the last few months…"
Seth easily translates that into "for the last four months."
Four months since he and Ryan broke up-or, rather, since Ryan left town.
"Yeah, well…"
"Complicated relationship?" his dad asks, compassionately.
"No," Seth replies truthfully.
Because really, the relationship he had with Ryan wasn't complicated. They fucked, and once Seth tried to take it up a notch, once he decided he wanted something more meaningful, it exploded in his face, and now it's done and over with.
He has had ample opportunities to think about it ever since, and he finds, quite often, that he doesn't regret it.
He doesn't regret running into Ryan again-and hey, the man did save his life-he doesn't regret having sex with him, and he doesn't even regret trying to convince Ryan to come to Newport with him.
After all, Seth, for once in his life, took the initiative, and while it didn't work out as he had hoped, that's still something he can feel proud of.
The only thing he regrets is not putting up more of a fight when Ryan left. Perhaps he should have tried harder, but for a moment, he had been scared of taking a risk, scared of admitting that what they had was important to him, at the risk of being mocked or dismissed, and so he didn't say anything.
He doesn't think it would have made a difference, but he still wishes he had tried-and isn't that the story of his life?
As his dad still seems to be waiting for an answer, he elaborates, "Just, you know, broken-off relationship. Singular."
"You didn't say anything," his father exclaims, worried.
"It really wasn't that bad," Seth explains. "Nothing to worry about."
"Who was she?"
Seth bites back the he that wants to escape. If he ever decides to settle for life with a man, then he'll do his coming out. In the meantime, what his parents don't know can't hurt them.
Sure, they're liberal and former flower-children and all, but still…
It's much better this way.
He doesn't need to see his mom struggling to adjust to the situation; he doesn't need his father hugging him, telling him he loves him, making an effort to show how open-minded he is.
He doesn't want to answer, "No one you know," because he's sure he won't be able to pull that lie off, so he doesn't answer anything, merely shrugs and smiles and drinks his beer, hoping his dad will get the hint.
His dad does, and they both stay outside for a while, mentally psyching themselves up to go back inside.
***
"Thank for coming," Michael says as Ryan sits next to him on the couch, a beer in hand. "Natalie was very excited."
"I noticed." Ryan shoots a distracted glance to the TV before turning back to Michael. "She's growing up fast."
Michael smiles proudly, then starts talking about how great his daughter is, and about all the things she has learned since Ryan left. Ryan smiles and nods in all the right places, but half his mind is still preoccupied by the talk he knows is coming.
Ryan's life has reached an all-time low recently, and he suspects that Michael has guessed that he's not doing as well as he claims when they talk on the phone.
He has never felt more alone in his life, and while he keeps telling himself that it's better this way, that he doesn't deserve to be involved with anyone since he can't help but screw up, the last four months have still been hard on him.
He has to admit it; he's becoming everything he despises-unable to commit to anything, unable to empathize with others, unable to accept that, maybe, there are people out there who care and worry about him. Like Dawn before him, Ryan hurts everyone he cares about to protect himself-a selfish, destructive behavior that has led him to hurt Michael and Seth and pretty much everyone who has known him for more than five minutes.
Ryan hates himself and he knows very well that he can't go on like that because if he does, then Dawn and AJ and his father will have won. They will have made him an image of themselves, unable to commit to anything or anyone but himself.
Ryan has spent his life resisting that, and he knows that it's is probably the most important thing he will ever do-find a way to put the past behind him, find a way to learn from his mistakes and those of his family, before he finds himself at forty, still single, and with nothing but his work to look forward to.
He needs to make some changes in his life.
The only problem is, he doesn't know where to start and, oh, yeah, he's scared to death-of rejection, of disappointment, of failure, of pretty much everything at this point.
Michael has stopped talking and is watching him worriedly. "Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you leave LA?"
Ryan sighs. Well, he knew this was coming.
Now, he can follow his gut feeling and pretend that nothing happened and that he's fine, or he can fight his instincts and, well, start making changes.
Ryan takes a swallow of his beer, stalling briefly before he starts telling the story. He summarizes things in the most simplistic way he can think of, and it doesn't take him long to finish. Somehow, saying it out loud makes everything seem that much worse, that much more stupid, that much more pathetic.
When he's done, Michael stays silent for a long moment, and Ryan stares at the game on the TV, unwilling to make eye contact.
"Oh, Ryan…" Michael says at last.
"Yeah. I know."
If Ryan was good with words, if he could weave them like Seth, like Alicia, he'd explain to Michael that Seth deserved better, that he ended up being collateral damage in the war Ryan was waging against the legacy of his family.
But Ryan isn't good with words, everyone knows that, so what he says is, "Fuck, I'm screwed up."
Yeah, well, at least that sums it up nicely, doesn't it?
"But it's not like we didn't know that, is it?" Michael says, his teasing tone and his playful wink almost masking the worry in his eyes. Almost.
"Yeah, well, now it's official."
I left town, Michael. Again. What the hell is wrong with me?
But Ryan knows what the hell is wrong with him-he expects people to leave him, always, and he doesn't need to be Freud to know where that comes from.
Seth's words still haunt him.
"Could anything I say make a difference?"
Nothing Ryan told Dawn made a difference, she still left him, and it's not exactly the same, but it's not that different either.
Ryan still can't think about the night when AJ abandoned him without wanting to *stop*-stop feeling, stop thinking, just… stop.
And now, he has given up; he's not blind to the point of not seeing it.
Michael sighs deeply. "Alicia and I… We're not your parents, we're not family, and we don't have to tell you what to do. But I need to say this."
He stops talking and the silence stretches, forcing Ryan to meet Michael's gaze.
"We're always afraid that one day, you'll just stop taking our calls. That you'll move to another town again, and that we'll never know what happened to you."
"I'm sorry," Ryan says. Even after all this time, he still has a hard time truly believing that anyone cares about him. It's not fair to Michael and Alicia, he thinks, to care about someone like him-someone who's too scared to accept their love, someone who can't bring himself to reach out to others.
"We'd like you to consider moving back to Austin," Michael adds. "We miss you."
"I don't know," Ryan says.
Except he does know.
He hates his life in Las Vegas, and he hated Los Angeles, except for the few months he spent with Seth. The closest he ever came to feeling good was when he still lived here.
Ryan thinks about Seth's face that last day, when Seth realized that Ryan would leave no matter what.
He thinks about his little apartment in Las Vegas, and about the lonely days he spends there, with no friends and no one to see but his colleagues.
He thinks about last Christmas-when he was too drunk to even make it to the bathroom on time and got sick on the floor next to his bed, in true Dawn fashion.
He thinks about the number of times Michael has told Ryan that he would always be welcome in Austin.
"No pressure," Michael says, as if he had read his mind. "You know you're always welcome here. Think about it." Ryan darts a look his way as Michael adds, "We'd love you to come back."
Ryan has to admit that he's fucking tired of being alone all the time.
Sure, leaving people before he can be left may seem like a winning strategy, but in the end, it still hurts, and he still ends up alone.
He has spent a few hours today playing with Natalie, and it reminded him of how much he wants a family of his own.
He can't imagine not getting married, somewhere down the line.
He can't imagine not having kids of his own, and not just because he's probably the only Atwood who can still do it.
He wants his life to be more meaningful than it is right now.
He doesn't want to wake up all alone, in a town he doesn't know, for the rest of his life.
He wants a family.
"Ryan?"
Now, he just has to gather enough courage to do something about it.
"What do you think?"
Ryan's voice is barely a whisper when he replies, at last, "Yes."
END
And thanks so much everyone, for your amazing, thought-provoking comments! :)
Author : Helen C.
Rating : R (M)
Summary : AU. Dawn never left in the Pilot, and Ryan came back to Chino for a while. Years later, he and Seth meet in Los Angeles.
Spoilers : Everything is fair game.
Disclaimer : The characters and the universe were created and are owned by Josh Schwartz. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
joey51 stayed up until some ungodly hour in the night to beta this, and that's one of the many reasons why she's the best beta ever. :) Thanks, Joey!
Chapter 9
Four months later
It's a typical Newport event, Seth thinks. Snobbish, superficial, a giant advertisement for Botox and Zoloft.
People who smile at each other, before figuratively stabbing each other in the back.
He hates this-every time he comes to one of these parties, he remembers why he left this town. He has never understood how his mother could be so fond of them. When he was younger, he just chalked it up to the strange ways of adult women, but now, he's totally baffled.
He may have had his differences with his mom, but she's a tasteful, elegant, sincere woman, and he doesn't understand what she gets out of these gatherings.
When he sees Taryn coming his way, Seth frantically looks for an exit. The woman has been downright insistent ever since Seth has hit eighteen, and he doesn't know how he could be clearer than, "For God's sake, get your hands off me, woman!" as he once yelled when he was drunk and she made a grab for him.
Thankfully, no one was around to witness the scene.
He's not sure he'd ever have lived it down.
Slipping through the nearest open door, Seth stumbles on the patio, and as usual, stops and stares at the poolhouse, thinking about past days and missed opportunities.
This damn poolhouse always makes him introspective, always makes his dad look more somber.
But he won't tell anyone about Ryan, he made a pact with himself and he intends to keep it.
There wouldn't be any point anyway. Ryan is not doing anything stupid or illegal; he's as safe as anyone can be, and he did that all by himself, which impresses Seth, who sometimes feels like he can barely cross the street without causing some sort of disaster.
Ryan doesn't need help anymore, and has made it clear that he would resent any attempt made in that sense.
His dad's voice startles Seth. "You okay, son?"
Seth smiles sadly, accepting the bottle of beer his dad is handing him. "Sure. Just, you know… not used to all the piranhas anymore."
"I'd tell you it's your own fault for not coming here more often, but, yes, I understand why you don't come more often. God knows I'm still trying to find excuses not to get involved in these things."
Father and son sit on the ground, near the pool, and sip at their beer.
It would be the ideal evening, if there wasn't a party in the house-a party they'll have to get back to, eventually.
With luck, Taryn will have found another victim by then.
"You've seemed sad," Seth's dad says. "For the last few months…"
Seth easily translates that into "for the last four months."
Four months since he and Ryan broke up-or, rather, since Ryan left town.
"Yeah, well…"
"Complicated relationship?" his dad asks, compassionately.
"No," Seth replies truthfully.
Because really, the relationship he had with Ryan wasn't complicated. They fucked, and once Seth tried to take it up a notch, once he decided he wanted something more meaningful, it exploded in his face, and now it's done and over with.
He has had ample opportunities to think about it ever since, and he finds, quite often, that he doesn't regret it.
He doesn't regret running into Ryan again-and hey, the man did save his life-he doesn't regret having sex with him, and he doesn't even regret trying to convince Ryan to come to Newport with him.
After all, Seth, for once in his life, took the initiative, and while it didn't work out as he had hoped, that's still something he can feel proud of.
The only thing he regrets is not putting up more of a fight when Ryan left. Perhaps he should have tried harder, but for a moment, he had been scared of taking a risk, scared of admitting that what they had was important to him, at the risk of being mocked or dismissed, and so he didn't say anything.
He doesn't think it would have made a difference, but he still wishes he had tried-and isn't that the story of his life?
As his dad still seems to be waiting for an answer, he elaborates, "Just, you know, broken-off relationship. Singular."
"You didn't say anything," his father exclaims, worried.
"It really wasn't that bad," Seth explains. "Nothing to worry about."
"Who was she?"
Seth bites back the he that wants to escape. If he ever decides to settle for life with a man, then he'll do his coming out. In the meantime, what his parents don't know can't hurt them.
Sure, they're liberal and former flower-children and all, but still…
It's much better this way.
He doesn't need to see his mom struggling to adjust to the situation; he doesn't need his father hugging him, telling him he loves him, making an effort to show how open-minded he is.
He doesn't want to answer, "No one you know," because he's sure he won't be able to pull that lie off, so he doesn't answer anything, merely shrugs and smiles and drinks his beer, hoping his dad will get the hint.
His dad does, and they both stay outside for a while, mentally psyching themselves up to go back inside.
***
"Thank for coming," Michael says as Ryan sits next to him on the couch, a beer in hand. "Natalie was very excited."
"I noticed." Ryan shoots a distracted glance to the TV before turning back to Michael. "She's growing up fast."
Michael smiles proudly, then starts talking about how great his daughter is, and about all the things she has learned since Ryan left. Ryan smiles and nods in all the right places, but half his mind is still preoccupied by the talk he knows is coming.
Ryan's life has reached an all-time low recently, and he suspects that Michael has guessed that he's not doing as well as he claims when they talk on the phone.
He has never felt more alone in his life, and while he keeps telling himself that it's better this way, that he doesn't deserve to be involved with anyone since he can't help but screw up, the last four months have still been hard on him.
He has to admit it; he's becoming everything he despises-unable to commit to anything, unable to empathize with others, unable to accept that, maybe, there are people out there who care and worry about him. Like Dawn before him, Ryan hurts everyone he cares about to protect himself-a selfish, destructive behavior that has led him to hurt Michael and Seth and pretty much everyone who has known him for more than five minutes.
Ryan hates himself and he knows very well that he can't go on like that because if he does, then Dawn and AJ and his father will have won. They will have made him an image of themselves, unable to commit to anything or anyone but himself.
Ryan has spent his life resisting that, and he knows that it's is probably the most important thing he will ever do-find a way to put the past behind him, find a way to learn from his mistakes and those of his family, before he finds himself at forty, still single, and with nothing but his work to look forward to.
He needs to make some changes in his life.
The only problem is, he doesn't know where to start and, oh, yeah, he's scared to death-of rejection, of disappointment, of failure, of pretty much everything at this point.
Michael has stopped talking and is watching him worriedly. "Ryan?"
"Yeah?"
"Why did you leave LA?"
Ryan sighs. Well, he knew this was coming.
Now, he can follow his gut feeling and pretend that nothing happened and that he's fine, or he can fight his instincts and, well, start making changes.
Ryan takes a swallow of his beer, stalling briefly before he starts telling the story. He summarizes things in the most simplistic way he can think of, and it doesn't take him long to finish. Somehow, saying it out loud makes everything seem that much worse, that much more stupid, that much more pathetic.
When he's done, Michael stays silent for a long moment, and Ryan stares at the game on the TV, unwilling to make eye contact.
"Oh, Ryan…" Michael says at last.
"Yeah. I know."
If Ryan was good with words, if he could weave them like Seth, like Alicia, he'd explain to Michael that Seth deserved better, that he ended up being collateral damage in the war Ryan was waging against the legacy of his family.
But Ryan isn't good with words, everyone knows that, so what he says is, "Fuck, I'm screwed up."
Yeah, well, at least that sums it up nicely, doesn't it?
"But it's not like we didn't know that, is it?" Michael says, his teasing tone and his playful wink almost masking the worry in his eyes. Almost.
"Yeah, well, now it's official."
I left town, Michael. Again. What the hell is wrong with me?
But Ryan knows what the hell is wrong with him-he expects people to leave him, always, and he doesn't need to be Freud to know where that comes from.
Seth's words still haunt him.
"Could anything I say make a difference?"
Nothing Ryan told Dawn made a difference, she still left him, and it's not exactly the same, but it's not that different either.
Ryan still can't think about the night when AJ abandoned him without wanting to *stop*-stop feeling, stop thinking, just… stop.
And now, he has given up; he's not blind to the point of not seeing it.
Michael sighs deeply. "Alicia and I… We're not your parents, we're not family, and we don't have to tell you what to do. But I need to say this."
He stops talking and the silence stretches, forcing Ryan to meet Michael's gaze.
"We're always afraid that one day, you'll just stop taking our calls. That you'll move to another town again, and that we'll never know what happened to you."
"I'm sorry," Ryan says. Even after all this time, he still has a hard time truly believing that anyone cares about him. It's not fair to Michael and Alicia, he thinks, to care about someone like him-someone who's too scared to accept their love, someone who can't bring himself to reach out to others.
"We'd like you to consider moving back to Austin," Michael adds. "We miss you."
"I don't know," Ryan says.
Except he does know.
He hates his life in Las Vegas, and he hated Los Angeles, except for the few months he spent with Seth. The closest he ever came to feeling good was when he still lived here.
Ryan thinks about Seth's face that last day, when Seth realized that Ryan would leave no matter what.
He thinks about his little apartment in Las Vegas, and about the lonely days he spends there, with no friends and no one to see but his colleagues.
He thinks about last Christmas-when he was too drunk to even make it to the bathroom on time and got sick on the floor next to his bed, in true Dawn fashion.
He thinks about the number of times Michael has told Ryan that he would always be welcome in Austin.
"No pressure," Michael says, as if he had read his mind. "You know you're always welcome here. Think about it." Ryan darts a look his way as Michael adds, "We'd love you to come back."
Ryan has to admit that he's fucking tired of being alone all the time.
Sure, leaving people before he can be left may seem like a winning strategy, but in the end, it still hurts, and he still ends up alone.
He has spent a few hours today playing with Natalie, and it reminded him of how much he wants a family of his own.
He can't imagine not getting married, somewhere down the line.
He can't imagine not having kids of his own, and not just because he's probably the only Atwood who can still do it.
He wants his life to be more meaningful than it is right now.
He doesn't want to wake up all alone, in a town he doesn't know, for the rest of his life.
He wants a family.
"Ryan?"
Now, he just has to gather enough courage to do something about it.
"What do you think?"
Ryan's voice is barely a whisper when he replies, at last, "Yes."
END
And thanks so much everyone, for your amazing, thought-provoking comments! :)