Family Honor
Well, the entry I made on June 6 pretty much covers how I feel about Eric now. For those of you that don't know, Eric left in a horribly mean way. So I don't need to go over all this again.
While in my first class this morning, the professor began talking about honor. I had thought about this before, but never so in depth as I have today.
Its only been a few generations since all sides of my family immigrated here. I grew up with relatives who remembered their original countries. Knowing this, I now realize how many of my actions are based on family honor.
I remember while I was growing up my father talking to me about honor in round-about terms. There were things that I was expected to do, and things I was expected not to do. For example, I was not supposed to do drugs, not because it would hurt me, but because it would shame my family.
Now what is the difference between "doing what is right" and "family honor"? That is a little harder to define. Mostly I would say that what is honorable is not always right or even lawful. For example, a relative of mine was hit by her husband. Both the husband and the wife's fathers got together and beat the shit out of the husband. It was because of family honor, about not hitting someone weaker than yourself.
Now, it may sound like this type of system could easily become sexist, but I don't think it really was in my family. For example, I am the oldest child in my family. Since my parents are divorced, and with no oldest male child, I am obligated to help my mother and my sister. This is because my mother is a single parent. If my father had custody of my sister, it would be my responsibility to care for them. Since my father is single and child-free, he is considered dishonorable for not helping me with my college expenses. My mother would be the one obligated to do that if my Dad had custody.
So, whenever I borrow money from my mother I grovel and feel guilty, since I'm supposed to be helping her. This is vastly different from other students I meet, who expect their parents to give them money for school. I also almost always pay the money back. It is also my responsibility to get my sister ready for college, by loaning her whatever money I can spare.
I remember trying to explain this to Eric (this is not what we broke up over, I just remember fighting about this). Eric is the oldest son, but he "borrows" (he calls in borrowing but never intends to repay it) money from his already financially strapped parents. In my thinking, he is also responsible to help his younger siblings whenever he can. So taking this money also hurts his younger siblings. His father has multiple sclerosis and works hard to make the money that Eric borrows, which he barely is thanked for.
I can also take this another step. For the past two years I have been taking care of Eric, and Michael when I can. I have paid most of the bills, including child support. I even worked on a broken foot and now it is permanently messed up so that I would have the money to keep Eric out of jail. Eric believes that no thanks is in order because he did not ask me to do it. Eric has the beginnings of MS as well as arthritis, so I believe it was my duty to care for him - UNTIL HE GOT BACK ON HIS FEET. Now, Eric never bothered to do anything but care for himself. He was upset when I asked him to clean the apartment while I was at work. And he didn't understand why I was upset when I came home and found him playing video games instead of cleaning or trying to find a job.
I always wondered how Eric could sleep like a baby, while I worry about things like Michael's future, bills, the apartment, my family, even his family. Maybe its just that Eric has been taken care of for so long that responsiblity and honor do not even enter his head. Even now, he could have used the money from the dorm room to pay of his back child support or got an apartment of his own where Michael could live with him. Instead he has moved into a $500 a month dorm room, just so he doesn't have to worry about paying bills. I wonder how well he'll do when he has to pay back the extra $4000 loan he took out to get it.
He also had no qualms about stealing money from our joint finances to go out to eat while I ate nothing, lieing to his parents about money, lieing to me about money, and lastly lieing to me about his dorm. And Eric says I'M the asshole. Sorry, didn't know bottle feeding someone who can't take care of himself was being an asshole.
I didn't mean for this to turn into an Eric rant, but I think its pretty interesting how clear it is to me now. I also think its funny that if he ever wants me back, he'd have to fix his own life first. I'm sure once I say that to him he will be angry, but I cannot be with someone who is not honest and honorable. So maybe I should thank him for leaving. My apartment is a lot cleaner, I have plenty of space. I have an extra $1000 that I was going to give to his parents to decorate with and save towards a car.
So thank you Eric, for giving me my freedom. Thank you for calling what I did for you and expecting respect and thanks being an asshole. You have done a wonderful job of alienating one of the few people blind enough to love you enough to babysit you and take care of you. I wish you lots of luck in life, since you've never been able to care for yourself.
Now I can teach in China, go on to grad school, anything I want. Compared with all that freedom, Eric suddenly just doesn't seem as worth it.
In case I don't post for another couple of months, I wish everyone a wonderful fall.
Jessie
While in my first class this morning, the professor began talking about honor. I had thought about this before, but never so in depth as I have today.
Its only been a few generations since all sides of my family immigrated here. I grew up with relatives who remembered their original countries. Knowing this, I now realize how many of my actions are based on family honor.
I remember while I was growing up my father talking to me about honor in round-about terms. There were things that I was expected to do, and things I was expected not to do. For example, I was not supposed to do drugs, not because it would hurt me, but because it would shame my family.
Now what is the difference between "doing what is right" and "family honor"? That is a little harder to define. Mostly I would say that what is honorable is not always right or even lawful. For example, a relative of mine was hit by her husband. Both the husband and the wife's fathers got together and beat the shit out of the husband. It was because of family honor, about not hitting someone weaker than yourself.
Now, it may sound like this type of system could easily become sexist, but I don't think it really was in my family. For example, I am the oldest child in my family. Since my parents are divorced, and with no oldest male child, I am obligated to help my mother and my sister. This is because my mother is a single parent. If my father had custody of my sister, it would be my responsibility to care for them. Since my father is single and child-free, he is considered dishonorable for not helping me with my college expenses. My mother would be the one obligated to do that if my Dad had custody.
So, whenever I borrow money from my mother I grovel and feel guilty, since I'm supposed to be helping her. This is vastly different from other students I meet, who expect their parents to give them money for school. I also almost always pay the money back. It is also my responsibility to get my sister ready for college, by loaning her whatever money I can spare.
I remember trying to explain this to Eric (this is not what we broke up over, I just remember fighting about this). Eric is the oldest son, but he "borrows" (he calls in borrowing but never intends to repay it) money from his already financially strapped parents. In my thinking, he is also responsible to help his younger siblings whenever he can. So taking this money also hurts his younger siblings. His father has multiple sclerosis and works hard to make the money that Eric borrows, which he barely is thanked for.
I can also take this another step. For the past two years I have been taking care of Eric, and Michael when I can. I have paid most of the bills, including child support. I even worked on a broken foot and now it is permanently messed up so that I would have the money to keep Eric out of jail. Eric believes that no thanks is in order because he did not ask me to do it. Eric has the beginnings of MS as well as arthritis, so I believe it was my duty to care for him - UNTIL HE GOT BACK ON HIS FEET. Now, Eric never bothered to do anything but care for himself. He was upset when I asked him to clean the apartment while I was at work. And he didn't understand why I was upset when I came home and found him playing video games instead of cleaning or trying to find a job.
I always wondered how Eric could sleep like a baby, while I worry about things like Michael's future, bills, the apartment, my family, even his family. Maybe its just that Eric has been taken care of for so long that responsiblity and honor do not even enter his head. Even now, he could have used the money from the dorm room to pay of his back child support or got an apartment of his own where Michael could live with him. Instead he has moved into a $500 a month dorm room, just so he doesn't have to worry about paying bills. I wonder how well he'll do when he has to pay back the extra $4000 loan he took out to get it.
He also had no qualms about stealing money from our joint finances to go out to eat while I ate nothing, lieing to his parents about money, lieing to me about money, and lastly lieing to me about his dorm. And Eric says I'M the asshole. Sorry, didn't know bottle feeding someone who can't take care of himself was being an asshole.
I didn't mean for this to turn into an Eric rant, but I think its pretty interesting how clear it is to me now. I also think its funny that if he ever wants me back, he'd have to fix his own life first. I'm sure once I say that to him he will be angry, but I cannot be with someone who is not honest and honorable. So maybe I should thank him for leaving. My apartment is a lot cleaner, I have plenty of space. I have an extra $1000 that I was going to give to his parents to decorate with and save towards a car.
So thank you Eric, for giving me my freedom. Thank you for calling what I did for you and expecting respect and thanks being an asshole. You have done a wonderful job of alienating one of the few people blind enough to love you enough to babysit you and take care of you. I wish you lots of luck in life, since you've never been able to care for yourself.
Now I can teach in China, go on to grad school, anything I want. Compared with all that freedom, Eric suddenly just doesn't seem as worth it.
In case I don't post for another couple of months, I wish everyone a wonderful fall.
Jessie