if it makes you happy...
Okay, so it has taken forever to get back online. But things have calmed down at home so I guess that it was worth it. I am sorry I didnt get a chance to respond to everyones comments. Thank you for the advice and well wishes, and once again I apologize for no knowing how to put things behind a cut. I think I have it figured out now.
I am starting a pretty good depression. I was looking for a book to read last night. I dug one out and out fell a picture. I must have used it as a bookmark. It was of me and three friends. I was probobly 20. And I was happy. Not just smiling, but happy. You could see it in my eyes. Plus the fact I actually let me picture be taken speaks volumes. I very rarely do.
For most of the night I just stared at that picture. I dont know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I have lost so much. I cant even believe that I was ever happy. Now, because of the drugs I am at least mostly numb. I just stared and kept wondering if I will ever be happy again. If it is worth being happy again.
I have three BFF's. They are like family to me. When I am with them I am content. And as happy as the meds allow. But I try not to be to happy. I am afraid something will happen. It is a fear that has plagued me my whole life. As soon as I get to happy it is taken away. In the state I am now I couldnt handle that.
Not only do I not know what it feels like to be happy, but I dont know what I like anymore either. The therapist is always saying that I should do things I like that make me happy. To bad I dont know what those things are.
Oh yeah, and to make things even better, I got a letter from social security saying that they have transfered my file from ohio, to indiana, to boston because of a work overload. Come on. How hard can it be to pick a date in front of a judge?!
I am starting a pretty good depression. I was looking for a book to read last night. I dug one out and out fell a picture. I must have used it as a bookmark. It was of me and three friends. I was probobly 20. And I was happy. Not just smiling, but happy. You could see it in my eyes. Plus the fact I actually let me picture be taken speaks volumes. I very rarely do.
For most of the night I just stared at that picture. I dont know what it feels like to be happy anymore. I have lost so much. I cant even believe that I was ever happy. Now, because of the drugs I am at least mostly numb. I just stared and kept wondering if I will ever be happy again. If it is worth being happy again.
I have three BFF's. They are like family to me. When I am with them I am content. And as happy as the meds allow. But I try not to be to happy. I am afraid something will happen. It is a fear that has plagued me my whole life. As soon as I get to happy it is taken away. In the state I am now I couldnt handle that.
Not only do I not know what it feels like to be happy, but I dont know what I like anymore either. The therapist is always saying that I should do things I like that make me happy. To bad I dont know what those things are.
Oh yeah, and to make things even better, I got a letter from social security saying that they have transfered my file from ohio, to indiana, to boston because of a work overload. Come on. How hard can it be to pick a date in front of a judge?!