Silhouette: Chapter 05
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Yabu flipped through his magazine. His eyes were looking at the words, but his brain wasn’t registering them. His mind felt empty, yet heavy. He felt tired, yet he couldn’t sleep. He felt like shopping, yet he wanted to be away from the world.
He gave a quiet sigh, and put his magazine down. He looked out of the window.
It’s a good day.
He felt like crying.
“It’s alright if you don’t feel the same way for me. I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Silly, don’t cry.” Takaki broke off from the hug, and gently wiped away Yabu’s tears. Yabu couldn’t stop crying.
I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
“I’m going off now. You better take care of yourself on your way home.” Takaki smiled.
The light from the streetlights reflected on Takaki’s face, and at that moment, Yabu saw a single teardrop roll down his face.
“Goodbye, Yabu.”
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“Uh huh, so how did it go from there?” Daiki said, while scooping out some ice cream out of a tub. “Want some?”
Takaki looked at the ice cream. Chocolate? “Yea.” He waited for his share of ice cream expectantly.
“You’re not getting any until you tell me what happened.”
“Can’t we do it while having the ice cream?”
“No, you’ll be distracted and you know it.”
Takaki sighed. “All right then. I told him how I felt about him.”
Daiki looked surprised. “I didn’t know you were THAT daring!”
Takaki rolled his eyes. “Now you know.”
“Interesting to know that it’s coming from a guy who was texting me all the while on what to do at the restaurant. Anyway, what was his response?”
“He doesn’t like me.”
There was a moment of silence. They could hear the laughter from the children across the road.
“But it’s okay because I realised that love’s not all about whether you like that person and that person likes you back. It’s also about being there for the other one when he needs you.”
Daiki patted Takaki’s back. “My dear boy, you’ve grown.”
“Interesting to know that it’s coming from a guy who hasn’t exactly been growing vertically for quite some time.”
“No ice cream for you.”
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Dear Takaki,
There are so many things I wish to say to you, but where do I begin?
Do I begin with a positive “thank-you”, a guilty “sorry”, or a selfish “can you please hear me out this time, again?”?
It seems like every time I talk to you, I am either in tears, in pain, or just in need of your ears.
Let me start with the “thank you” part.
Thank you, Takaki, for always being there when I need you. Times when I was at my weakest, most vulnerable moments, you were always there to hear me, to listen, and to offer your comforting words to me. My gratitude is endless, and I don’t think a simple “thank you” will suffice. But somehow, it seems like the only thing that I am capable of now. So, thank you, Takaki, for being there.
I am sorry that I have been of such bad character later. Sometimes you would find me smiling, seemingly happy when you are around me, but there are times when you are beside me, you would find me in tears the next second, crying over something and somebody that I’ve cried over time and time again.
Ever since you told me about your feelings, it seems like I’ve become more confused.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but you have to understand that it’s taking me a lot of courage to even write this out right now. Takaki, there are times when I feel that you’re more than just a good friend to me.
But there are times when my heart sways, and suddenly, I won’t feel that way.
I am sorry that I have to put you through this kind of thing. I hate myself for doing that.
So please hear me out.
I think we need to find some space between the both of us for now, and stop this endless chase.
Sorry,
Yabu
Yabu gave his letter a final look and paused as he slid it into a brown envelope. Was he really going to do this?
He looked out at the window. He had left the window wide open to allow himself a greater view of the trees outside, and for a bit of fresh air in his room. But it wasn’t helping, it seemed. The air wasn’t doing anything to his mind, and it wasn’t doing anything that would help him understand what exactly it was that he wanted.
Hikaru. Since young, since the time he had entered the Jimusho, Hikaru had been a great support to him. Being in the same junior group, there were close encounters and even instances where Yabu thought that Hikaru felt the same way as he did for him. But slowly, as the both of them grew up, went out, and mingled with the other juniors, it obviously didn’t seem that way anymore. It was true, Yabu was living in denial, and he always thought that he would be able to go back to the days were they would call each other up in the middle of the night, talking about things that mattered to them, the days when they would exchange their bentos just because Yabu didn’t like a particular vegetable, or the days when they would just sit in perfect silence in the dressing room during breaks.
Those days were over.
Yabu had learned more about Takaki when they were put together to debut as Hey! Say! JUMP. It was then when their relationship took on a whole new level, and Takaki had become one of Yabu’s most reliable confidantes.
But now all Yabu wanted was a distance away from either of his two friends. The two friends whom he treasured so much, but the two of them were the reason why he constantly found himself in confusion. Yabu clutched the envelope in his hand even tighter.
He could accept Takaki, but it would’ve been for all the wrong reasons.
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Takaki breathed in deeply, trying hard not to scream at the stupid boy five seats away from him, blasting some terrible music. On the table in front of him was a brown envelope. He felt a desperate urge to kick something, to damage something, to translate his frustration into something physical.
“More water for you, sir?” an air-stewardess had sidled up beside him, with her prettiest smile on.
But Takaki wasn’t amused. “No, no I don’t want any more water,” he snapped unconsciously. “Just stop asking me, will you?”
The air-stewardess had taken a step back and scrambled off in a disappointed huff.
Takaki fell back again on his seat. He didn’t mean for that to happen.
“You could’ve just said, “No, I don’t want any water. But if you want my autograph I’d gladly give it to you.” It seemed like she was ready to ask for your autograph, couldn’t you tell? She’s a fan.”
Takaki turned to look at the boy beside him. Akito was smiling.
“Chill, why don’t you?” Akito laughed, moving about as he wriggled in his seat. “Taiwan. Isn’t this exciting? Junta’s been teaching me a bit of Chinese, I think I can say “Please watch Gokusen and watch only me” in fluent Chinese now. Pretty impressive, don’t you think?” He nudged Takaki amusedly.
“Akito, won’t you just shut up?” Nakama pushed him. “Leave Takaki alone.” He glanced at the brown envelope that Takaki had just read a letter from and knew better than to provoke Takaki.
Akito shrugged. “I’m just sayin’. All right, I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll leave you to turn soggy in your own depression.” He put on his earphones and turned to the window, smiling childishly as he watched the clouds.
Takaki nodded gratefully at Nakama. He turned his head around and closed his eyes.
I think we need to find some space between the both of us for now, and stop this endless chase.
The last thing he needed was this letter. It seemed like the worst goodbye gift ever, and he wasn’t going to be seeing Yabu for a week or so.
Takaki felt a painful surge of misery run up his throat. Yabu probably wouldn’t be thinking much about this week without Takaki anyway.
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Yabu immersed himself in his work after he had passed Takaki the letter. He either went home straight after work, or had dinner alone at a secluded restaurant far away from home. He didn’t speak much to anyone during breaks, which worried everyone, but they knew better than to disturb him.
Yabu only got to know about Takaki’s Taiwan trip the following day after his departure. Yabu was hurt that he wasn’t told personally, but he remembered what he said. He was the one who told him that they needed some space, some time off each other. He needed to clear his thoughts before doing anything else. He didn’t want to hurt Takaki anymore.
He didn’t talk to Hikaru much either. Even though there were times when Hikaru wasn’t with Inoo, or even when Hikaru was alone, he didn’t go up to Hikaru to talk to him. He didn’t feel the urge to talk to him, to ask him questions like how was your day?. In fact, he didn’t look at Hikaru much anymore. However, he still had that heavy feeling inside him.
Maybe, just maybe...
He brushed that thought away.
Yabu flipped through his magazine. His eyes were looking at the words, but his brain wasn’t registering them. His mind felt empty, yet heavy. He felt tired, yet he couldn’t sleep. He felt like shopping, yet he wanted to be away from the world.
He gave a quiet sigh, and put his magazine down. He looked out of the window.
It’s a good day.
He felt like crying.
“It’s alright if you don’t feel the same way for me. I just want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Silly, don’t cry.” Takaki broke off from the hug, and gently wiped away Yabu’s tears. Yabu couldn’t stop crying.
I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.
“I’m going off now. You better take care of yourself on your way home.” Takaki smiled.
The light from the streetlights reflected on Takaki’s face, and at that moment, Yabu saw a single teardrop roll down his face.
“Goodbye, Yabu.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Uh huh, so how did it go from there?” Daiki said, while scooping out some ice cream out of a tub. “Want some?”
Takaki looked at the ice cream. Chocolate? “Yea.” He waited for his share of ice cream expectantly.
“You’re not getting any until you tell me what happened.”
“Can’t we do it while having the ice cream?”
“No, you’ll be distracted and you know it.”
Takaki sighed. “All right then. I told him how I felt about him.”
Daiki looked surprised. “I didn’t know you were THAT daring!”
Takaki rolled his eyes. “Now you know.”
“Interesting to know that it’s coming from a guy who was texting me all the while on what to do at the restaurant. Anyway, what was his response?”
“He doesn’t like me.”
There was a moment of silence. They could hear the laughter from the children across the road.
“But it’s okay because I realised that love’s not all about whether you like that person and that person likes you back. It’s also about being there for the other one when he needs you.”
Daiki patted Takaki’s back. “My dear boy, you’ve grown.”
“Interesting to know that it’s coming from a guy who hasn’t exactly been growing vertically for quite some time.”
“No ice cream for you.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Takaki,
There are so many things I wish to say to you, but where do I begin?
Do I begin with a positive “thank-you”, a guilty “sorry”, or a selfish “can you please hear me out this time, again?”?
It seems like every time I talk to you, I am either in tears, in pain, or just in need of your ears.
Let me start with the “thank you” part.
Thank you, Takaki, for always being there when I need you. Times when I was at my weakest, most vulnerable moments, you were always there to hear me, to listen, and to offer your comforting words to me. My gratitude is endless, and I don’t think a simple “thank you” will suffice. But somehow, it seems like the only thing that I am capable of now. So, thank you, Takaki, for being there.
I am sorry that I have been of such bad character later. Sometimes you would find me smiling, seemingly happy when you are around me, but there are times when you are beside me, you would find me in tears the next second, crying over something and somebody that I’ve cried over time and time again.
Ever since you told me about your feelings, it seems like I’ve become more confused.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but you have to understand that it’s taking me a lot of courage to even write this out right now. Takaki, there are times when I feel that you’re more than just a good friend to me.
But there are times when my heart sways, and suddenly, I won’t feel that way.
I am sorry that I have to put you through this kind of thing. I hate myself for doing that.
So please hear me out.
I think we need to find some space between the both of us for now, and stop this endless chase.
Sorry,
Yabu
Yabu gave his letter a final look and paused as he slid it into a brown envelope. Was he really going to do this?
He looked out at the window. He had left the window wide open to allow himself a greater view of the trees outside, and for a bit of fresh air in his room. But it wasn’t helping, it seemed. The air wasn’t doing anything to his mind, and it wasn’t doing anything that would help him understand what exactly it was that he wanted.
Hikaru. Since young, since the time he had entered the Jimusho, Hikaru had been a great support to him. Being in the same junior group, there were close encounters and even instances where Yabu thought that Hikaru felt the same way as he did for him. But slowly, as the both of them grew up, went out, and mingled with the other juniors, it obviously didn’t seem that way anymore. It was true, Yabu was living in denial, and he always thought that he would be able to go back to the days were they would call each other up in the middle of the night, talking about things that mattered to them, the days when they would exchange their bentos just because Yabu didn’t like a particular vegetable, or the days when they would just sit in perfect silence in the dressing room during breaks.
Those days were over.
Yabu had learned more about Takaki when they were put together to debut as Hey! Say! JUMP. It was then when their relationship took on a whole new level, and Takaki had become one of Yabu’s most reliable confidantes.
But now all Yabu wanted was a distance away from either of his two friends. The two friends whom he treasured so much, but the two of them were the reason why he constantly found himself in confusion. Yabu clutched the envelope in his hand even tighter.
He could accept Takaki, but it would’ve been for all the wrong reasons.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Takaki breathed in deeply, trying hard not to scream at the stupid boy five seats away from him, blasting some terrible music. On the table in front of him was a brown envelope. He felt a desperate urge to kick something, to damage something, to translate his frustration into something physical.
“More water for you, sir?” an air-stewardess had sidled up beside him, with her prettiest smile on.
But Takaki wasn’t amused. “No, no I don’t want any more water,” he snapped unconsciously. “Just stop asking me, will you?”
The air-stewardess had taken a step back and scrambled off in a disappointed huff.
Takaki fell back again on his seat. He didn’t mean for that to happen.
“You could’ve just said, “No, I don’t want any water. But if you want my autograph I’d gladly give it to you.” It seemed like she was ready to ask for your autograph, couldn’t you tell? She’s a fan.”
Takaki turned to look at the boy beside him. Akito was smiling.
“Chill, why don’t you?” Akito laughed, moving about as he wriggled in his seat. “Taiwan. Isn’t this exciting? Junta’s been teaching me a bit of Chinese, I think I can say “Please watch Gokusen and watch only me” in fluent Chinese now. Pretty impressive, don’t you think?” He nudged Takaki amusedly.
“Akito, won’t you just shut up?” Nakama pushed him. “Leave Takaki alone.” He glanced at the brown envelope that Takaki had just read a letter from and knew better than to provoke Takaki.
Akito shrugged. “I’m just sayin’. All right, I won’t bother you anymore. I’ll leave you to turn soggy in your own depression.” He put on his earphones and turned to the window, smiling childishly as he watched the clouds.
Takaki nodded gratefully at Nakama. He turned his head around and closed his eyes.
I think we need to find some space between the both of us for now, and stop this endless chase.
The last thing he needed was this letter. It seemed like the worst goodbye gift ever, and he wasn’t going to be seeing Yabu for a week or so.
Takaki felt a painful surge of misery run up his throat. Yabu probably wouldn’t be thinking much about this week without Takaki anyway.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yabu immersed himself in his work after he had passed Takaki the letter. He either went home straight after work, or had dinner alone at a secluded restaurant far away from home. He didn’t speak much to anyone during breaks, which worried everyone, but they knew better than to disturb him.
Yabu only got to know about Takaki’s Taiwan trip the following day after his departure. Yabu was hurt that he wasn’t told personally, but he remembered what he said. He was the one who told him that they needed some space, some time off each other. He needed to clear his thoughts before doing anything else. He didn’t want to hurt Takaki anymore.
He didn’t talk to Hikaru much either. Even though there were times when Hikaru wasn’t with Inoo, or even when Hikaru was alone, he didn’t go up to Hikaru to talk to him. He didn’t feel the urge to talk to him, to ask him questions like how was your day?. In fact, he didn’t look at Hikaru much anymore. However, he still had that heavy feeling inside him.
Maybe, just maybe...
He brushed that thought away.