I don't want to feel anymore.
I hurt more than you'll ever know.
Why do you do this to me? Put me down. Make me cry. Break my heart. I don't want to feel anymore. Just do away with me now before the pain becomes too much.
It seems that when something good happens to me, ten more bad things happen to cancel out that one good thing that happened. It's like nothing wants me to be happy anymore. Am I meant to always be sad or something? I cried for two or three hours straight today. Mom's being horrible toward me. She hates me, it would seem. AND DON'T SAY SHE DOESN'T! I know that she does. If she had any love within her for me, she wouldn't verbally abuse me. She wouldn't put me down all the time. She'd care if I was happy or sad. She would treat me as nicely as she treats my little sister. It just isn't fair. Even though the rest of my family loves me, she doesn't. Is there something wrong with me? Is it that hard to love me?
Although I had a good time with Chris last night on our date, I can't smile. heh. I'll write about the date later. Not in a great mood. Everything that happened would seem crappy if I wrote it now. I'll also write about Jess's sleepover later, too. Right now...I need to vent. I need to sit down and think through my emotions. I called Jess today and cried whilst explaining how badly I felt.
It was bad, you guys. While I was crying (before I called Jess), I had on country music. I know that sounds completely queer, but...-shrugs- So, I walked in today after church. Saw my dad. It seemed that my father had left church early because April had yelled at him and he was upset. I wish April would just go away! She's so MEAN! So...after church and everything, I found daddy. I walked back to where he was and flung my arms around him and just held him. He patted my arm and leaned his head on mine. I told him I loved him and he told me the same. Then mommaw came back and started talking about how Daddy should've left April a long time ago. I couldn't take it.
I ran up to my room and slammed my door. I turned on my radio and flung myself on my bed and just CRIED---sobbed...for about two hours. Mommaw and Poppaw finally came to my room and held me and spoke to me. I dished. I told them how I felt. I told them about how I sometimes wish April would disappear. I feel so bad. I feel like everything's my fault. I can't take all of this. It seems like---this year---one bad thing after another keeps flinging itself toward me and smacking me in the face. I put on a happy face every day, when deep down my heart is crushing slowly. I want everything to be right again.
Mommaw and Poppaw told me to pray about it. But how can I pray when all my hope and faith is gone? How can I pray when I don't feel God anymore? It feels like I've lost Him. I can't pray because nothing works out right when I do. I can't read the Bible anymore because nothing makes sense. My mind is all fumjumbled and I dislike it. I said I hated April today. I truly feel that. -sigh- I need help, you guys. I need it badly. I want to talk to April and tell her how I feel. I want to tell her everything I've felt since I was young. I want to tell her how I felt a year or two ago when we went to Mammaw Bowen's and April told me I wasn't her child. I want to tell her how much that hurt me. How unwanted it made me feel. I want to show her how badly it hurt when she dug her nail into my wrist. I want to show her that scar. I want her to feel my pain.
I'm going to go. Bye.
-That Girl, Nikk
Why do you do this to me? Put me down. Make me cry. Break my heart. I don't want to feel anymore. Just do away with me now before the pain becomes too much.
It seems that when something good happens to me, ten more bad things happen to cancel out that one good thing that happened. It's like nothing wants me to be happy anymore. Am I meant to always be sad or something? I cried for two or three hours straight today. Mom's being horrible toward me. She hates me, it would seem. AND DON'T SAY SHE DOESN'T! I know that she does. If she had any love within her for me, she wouldn't verbally abuse me. She wouldn't put me down all the time. She'd care if I was happy or sad. She would treat me as nicely as she treats my little sister. It just isn't fair. Even though the rest of my family loves me, she doesn't. Is there something wrong with me? Is it that hard to love me?
Although I had a good time with Chris last night on our date, I can't smile. heh. I'll write about the date later. Not in a great mood. Everything that happened would seem crappy if I wrote it now. I'll also write about Jess's sleepover later, too. Right now...I need to vent. I need to sit down and think through my emotions. I called Jess today and cried whilst explaining how badly I felt.
It was bad, you guys. While I was crying (before I called Jess), I had on country music. I know that sounds completely queer, but...-shrugs- So, I walked in today after church. Saw my dad. It seemed that my father had left church early because April had yelled at him and he was upset. I wish April would just go away! She's so MEAN! So...after church and everything, I found daddy. I walked back to where he was and flung my arms around him and just held him. He patted my arm and leaned his head on mine. I told him I loved him and he told me the same. Then mommaw came back and started talking about how Daddy should've left April a long time ago. I couldn't take it.
I ran up to my room and slammed my door. I turned on my radio and flung myself on my bed and just CRIED---sobbed...for about two hours. Mommaw and Poppaw finally came to my room and held me and spoke to me. I dished. I told them how I felt. I told them about how I sometimes wish April would disappear. I feel so bad. I feel like everything's my fault. I can't take all of this. It seems like---this year---one bad thing after another keeps flinging itself toward me and smacking me in the face. I put on a happy face every day, when deep down my heart is crushing slowly. I want everything to be right again.
Mommaw and Poppaw told me to pray about it. But how can I pray when all my hope and faith is gone? How can I pray when I don't feel God anymore? It feels like I've lost Him. I can't pray because nothing works out right when I do. I can't read the Bible anymore because nothing makes sense. My mind is all fumjumbled and I dislike it. I said I hated April today. I truly feel that. -sigh- I need help, you guys. I need it badly. I want to talk to April and tell her how I feel. I want to tell her everything I've felt since I was young. I want to tell her how I felt a year or two ago when we went to Mammaw Bowen's and April told me I wasn't her child. I want to tell her how much that hurt me. How unwanted it made me feel. I want to show her how badly it hurt when she dug her nail into my wrist. I want to show her that scar. I want her to feel my pain.
I'm going to go. Bye.
-That Girl, Nikk