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My, oh my how time flies.
The school year has managed to come to a sudden halt without even giving me fair warning. I swear, it still feels as though I’m waiting for spring break to get here. But it’s way past spring break now. Fucking A man, the days go by ever so slowly, yet…I feel as though the school year went by too quickly for me to even have a chance to grasp it and enjoy it.
I ridicule myself for even attempting to reenact the “good ole days.” Last year, I complained about how horrible the school year was, but then when this school year coming tumbling down on me, all I ever thought about was how good last year was for me. I waste much of my time complaining, that I loose of what is actually in front of me. Last year had its up and it’s downs. And this year, as horrible as it’s seemed thus far, I’m sure it will seem more worthwhile when I look back on it next year. Oh, how senseless it is to try to attain what you once had before. I suppose that’s why it’s called the past.
In the beginning of the year was hell. Pure and utter hell. Skye wasn’t with us. I felt horrible for what I did to Travis, and I felt even worse that I couldn’t return the same feelings. And I think I had reached the lowest point of life then. I was just a plain, ordinary girl looking for anything to make the images and feelings she felt go away for a little bit.
In the broadest terms, I was fucking alone.
However, that all changed. I made a new best friend. Bethany fucking Frances fucking Friedman felt most of what I was feeling. Misery loves company. I swear, I never met someone who I could show such empathy for. Two lonely, depressed girls, trying to deal with their best friend not being there, looking for some drugs to take. Also, I become better friends with Mel. Well, compared to last year…we become better friends. Us three formed quite the tight bond. Hmm…
We managed with just us three. We had our separate friends, and those random times other people would hang out with us…but it was mostly just us. To star off with, it was just Beth and I, and a shitload of weed and dxm.
I’m not sure what exactly went on from the time in between the beginning of the year till now. I grew up though. Unfortunately, I no longer give myself up completely to the “here and now.” Many things have gone wrong now, that even attempting to be as impulsive as I once was before is impossible. And I really feel as though I’ve stopped riding the emotional rollercoaster. I dunno, I kind of feel more stable. I guess that’s just called growing up. I don’t know, I dislike growing up though.
Oh man, I look at all my friends now, and compare them to how they were then…and wow, most of them have changed without me even noticing.
This year if definitely the year I matured. The most depressing year. But also, my happiest year..because this is that year Bethany become my best friend, the year I become friends with Chris and Brahm, the year Mel and I become close again, they year I did the most drugs, the year I stopped doing drugs, the year I learned what regret felt like, and the year I knew what it felt (feels) like to love and be loved. Oh man, Brahm is one of the main reasons was to why I haven’t been so upset and depressed lately. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.
So two days into my summer, and I’m doing alright. I’m scared to think of what people will be like when summer ends.
PS. June Fete last weekend. Saw RACHEL!!!! It was fun running away, frantically, from the flashlights that chased us. Oh yea, 35 days done the fucking drain. Got tipsy everyday after finals. Saw VNV Nation with my secret crush Katie on Wednesday. Amazing! Thursday, our last day of school, we had an intense water gun/balloon fight at my house. ‘Twas fun having seven people pile in my shower for hot water. It was also fun stealing crazy amounts of water balloons. Friday, Mellonie got her license! Woot woot. And oh my, doesn’t she look like quite the sexy thing driving in her shiny, blue Volkswagen bug.
Holy fuck, what a long entry.