Ambition - Poison of the soul, crusher of spirit?
Problem 1: I've been ranting a lot lately, both online, and just in general to anyone who I don't think is going to throttle me soon, about how grumpy I am with my situation of late, lack of direction, thrilling career or projects, knowledge, etc.
Problem 2: I am in a very real situation where I need to find some way to improve my income, or drastically change my lifestyle fast so that I don't head down a self-destructive water slide of doom!
Problem 3: Lately I've been letting things that should be relatively trivial in the grand scale of things really stress me out and upset me.
Result 1: I haven't been very fun to be around. Even I am not enjoying hanging out with me all that much. All I do is whine about work, work options, etc.
Result 2: I have to find a solution to the financial situation as soon as possible. It will probably not be cool enough / exciting enough for me to be super thrilled with it. I'm going to just have to deal with that somehow. (Sometimes I wish I could just smack some sense into me.)
I am thinking lately, that part of my problem is that I'm too bleeding ambitious combined with the fact that I am too inclined to be only happy in extreme situations. Mediocrity for pussies, and all of that.
Even worse, I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm simply not good enough to actually be anything but, in my own eyes, mediocre.
I feel that I can't be happy just doing something that I know how to do, but am not that interested in, or feel is inferior in some way / not hardcore enough. I also have what may be an unrealistic expectation that I can be some kind of superstar, doing something really neat and cool and difficult that everyone will admire and love me for.
So I have to conclude, that being too ambitious is evil. It makes you want to be all edgy and causes you to never be happy with just doing what you know you can do pretty easily. At the same time, the idea of trying to not being ambitious, to me feels, feels too much like selling out. So I find myself in this odd catch 22.
My attitude seems to be really warped though lately. I see my friends and even random people who are doing awesome, clever, entertaining things; and, instead of thinking, "Now there's a really cool person!" I think, "Why am I so incapable of being as awesome as that person?" Then I get all angry at myself and start sulking. Then I get all down on myself for not being as brilliant, clever, fun, whatever.
This is a horribly negative and childish way of looking at things.
All I can conclude is that I need to do whatever it takes to once again become comfortable and happy with who I am. Even if that means that I have to be happy knowing that I'll never be the superstar that I seem to think I should be.
I think my ego is really fucked up right now: after all the shit that has gone down in the last couple years, I have lost faith in my core self as good. I used to be able to maintain a much more cheerful and upbeat attitude, even in the face of much lameness. Through my teenage years and beyond, I used to pray every night that I would be able to remain cheerful, regardless of what happened. And you know, I think focusing on cheerfulness as a goal really made a difference. So maybe that's what I need to do now.
Of course, you can't just romp around being all fake-y happy either, and I did a fair bit of that too. Everyone always said that I was "wearing a mask" and that I couldn't possibly be really happy. That always made me so angry, because maybe there was some truth to it, but I really wasn't all that unhappy and it was my only coping mechanism for so many crappy things in my life at that time. So later in life, I started trying less hard to have a positive attitude all the time. To be more real, as it were.
I'm wondering if I've let the pendulum swing too far...
If life sucks, but you don't have a lot of power or control over your options for various reasons, you have to just find ways to be happy despite maybe not being in the ideal situation. Even if all you are doing is maintaining your sense of humor, writing dark moody poetry on the parts of the beer fridge that only you ever see while cleaning, and not always being responsible and clever. Hopefully, this sort of attitude will help things get even better and better.
Will it solve the ambition problem?
Probably not. I think I'm permanently wired that way, and that it would be wrong to try to deny that.
Will it make the problem less of a problem?
I hope so.
At least maybe it will lead to less lame sulking and annoying journal posts.
So that is my goal. I think it is easier said than done, but I'm going to try to be happier dammit! I will be happy if it kills me! (And several others!)
I decided all this on the subway tonight on my way home from a really lame day at work. Shortly after deciding to be happy, I realized I missed my stop and had to go wait in a freezing cold station to get turned back around again. Happiness was eluding me already.
Wish me luck.
Jo came over Saturday and helped me devise a semi-permanent hot-wiring solution for the Fiat, until I sort out what to do about trying to get it re-keyed.I now start my car by touching various wires together, and then turn it off by yanking them apart. If only I could say this was the first time I have sunk to such ghetto car starting tactics. I was really relieved that picking the gas cap was easy as well. Now only can I start the car, but I can also put gas in it! I've ordered some key blanks and I guess we'll just see where we go from there. So yay for that. It's one less thing to stress out about, if nothing else.
What I really wish is that I had a bunch of jalepeno poppers - and a Ruth.
Problem 2: I am in a very real situation where I need to find some way to improve my income, or drastically change my lifestyle fast so that I don't head down a self-destructive water slide of doom!
Problem 3: Lately I've been letting things that should be relatively trivial in the grand scale of things really stress me out and upset me.
Result 1: I haven't been very fun to be around. Even I am not enjoying hanging out with me all that much. All I do is whine about work, work options, etc.
Result 2: I have to find a solution to the financial situation as soon as possible. It will probably not be cool enough / exciting enough for me to be super thrilled with it. I'm going to just have to deal with that somehow. (Sometimes I wish I could just smack some sense into me.)
I am thinking lately, that part of my problem is that I'm too bleeding ambitious combined with the fact that I am too inclined to be only happy in extreme situations. Mediocrity for pussies, and all of that.
Even worse, I have the sneaking suspicion that I'm simply not good enough to actually be anything but, in my own eyes, mediocre.
I feel that I can't be happy just doing something that I know how to do, but am not that interested in, or feel is inferior in some way / not hardcore enough. I also have what may be an unrealistic expectation that I can be some kind of superstar, doing something really neat and cool and difficult that everyone will admire and love me for.
So I have to conclude, that being too ambitious is evil. It makes you want to be all edgy and causes you to never be happy with just doing what you know you can do pretty easily. At the same time, the idea of trying to not being ambitious, to me feels, feels too much like selling out. So I find myself in this odd catch 22.
My attitude seems to be really warped though lately. I see my friends and even random people who are doing awesome, clever, entertaining things; and, instead of thinking, "Now there's a really cool person!" I think, "Why am I so incapable of being as awesome as that person?" Then I get all angry at myself and start sulking. Then I get all down on myself for not being as brilliant, clever, fun, whatever.
This is a horribly negative and childish way of looking at things.
All I can conclude is that I need to do whatever it takes to once again become comfortable and happy with who I am. Even if that means that I have to be happy knowing that I'll never be the superstar that I seem to think I should be.
I think my ego is really fucked up right now: after all the shit that has gone down in the last couple years, I have lost faith in my core self as good. I used to be able to maintain a much more cheerful and upbeat attitude, even in the face of much lameness. Through my teenage years and beyond, I used to pray every night that I would be able to remain cheerful, regardless of what happened. And you know, I think focusing on cheerfulness as a goal really made a difference. So maybe that's what I need to do now.
Of course, you can't just romp around being all fake-y happy either, and I did a fair bit of that too. Everyone always said that I was "wearing a mask" and that I couldn't possibly be really happy. That always made me so angry, because maybe there was some truth to it, but I really wasn't all that unhappy and it was my only coping mechanism for so many crappy things in my life at that time. So later in life, I started trying less hard to have a positive attitude all the time. To be more real, as it were.
I'm wondering if I've let the pendulum swing too far...
If life sucks, but you don't have a lot of power or control over your options for various reasons, you have to just find ways to be happy despite maybe not being in the ideal situation. Even if all you are doing is maintaining your sense of humor, writing dark moody poetry on the parts of the beer fridge that only you ever see while cleaning, and not always being responsible and clever. Hopefully, this sort of attitude will help things get even better and better.
Will it solve the ambition problem?
Probably not. I think I'm permanently wired that way, and that it would be wrong to try to deny that.
Will it make the problem less of a problem?
I hope so.
At least maybe it will lead to less lame sulking and annoying journal posts.
So that is my goal. I think it is easier said than done, but I'm going to try to be happier dammit! I will be happy if it kills me! (And several others!)
I decided all this on the subway tonight on my way home from a really lame day at work. Shortly after deciding to be happy, I realized I missed my stop and had to go wait in a freezing cold station to get turned back around again. Happiness was eluding me already.
Wish me luck.
Jo came over Saturday and helped me devise a semi-permanent hot-wiring solution for the Fiat, until I sort out what to do about trying to get it re-keyed.I now start my car by touching various wires together, and then turn it off by yanking them apart. If only I could say this was the first time I have sunk to such ghetto car starting tactics. I was really relieved that picking the gas cap was easy as well. Now only can I start the car, but I can also put gas in it! I've ordered some key blanks and I guess we'll just see where we go from there. So yay for that. It's one less thing to stress out about, if nothing else.
What I really wish is that I had a bunch of jalepeno poppers - and a Ruth.