Fic: Less Than Nothing
Title: Less Than Nothing
Author: heiligwasser
Artist: halighfataliter
Word Count: ~12,000
Type: slash
Rating: NC17
Characters/Pairings: Danny/Steve
Warnings sexual context, strong language, AU
Summary: Steve is 18 and has no idea about ice hockey when he's dragged to a game by his Naval Academy buddies. Post-game he’s still not got a clue, but he does have a new appreciation for one Danny Williams, whose moves on the ice made him enjoy a sport he had previously thought boring. When they hook up afterwards, it looks like it may lead to something more. But the question is, can it possibly last?
Author's Notes:
1. Really big thanks to iam_space for being an awesome beta reader.
2. Lots of hugs for dante_s_hell, for letting me ramble, whine and giving me helpful advice.
Prologue
It's lightning and thunder. It's violins and a fucking choir of angels. Honestly, Steve's surprised that there isn’t a sunray shining down onto the golden haired man he has his gun trained on and vice versa.
Daniel Williams.
The man Steve has been longing for, for nearly fifteen years.
He can see the white of Danny's eyes, they are so wide, and he can detect a light shake in the other man’s hand. But then, his own hand isn't all that steady either.
And, with hysterics setting in, he wonders what a guy that has been part of an NHL team, is doing on Hawaii pointing a gun at a Navy SEAL.
And then, as if time didn't exist, he is 18 again.
Chapter I
1994
"C'mon Steve, we have to go. Jim will have gotten the car by now."
Steve McGarrett turns to nod to his roommate Mike, before he glances into the mirror again. It's good enough for a night out with the guys, he decides. Jeans, t-shirt and a sweater, because Mike insisted that he would need it at the stadium. Leaving their room, they lock up and head across the Annapolis campus.
It's 1994 and they're both in their second year, same as the friends they'll meet with.
It takes them a bit, but soon they can see Jim's beat up car, Curtis already in the front seat, waiting for them. They get in behind and then they’re off, to watch the first ice hockey game of Steve's life.
“So, who are we rooting for?"
It's an innocent question but the groans it gets Steve in response suggest otherwise.
Well, screw them. He’s never been to an ice hockey game before, hasn’t even watched one. How should he know?
Mike gives him an eye roll but replies: "The Capitals. Jesus, McGarrett, they're kind of our home team. And we certainly won't root for the Devils, is that clear?"
Shrugging, Steve shakes his head.
"Well, it's not as if I care either way. Why can't we go to a football game?"
"Because we want to further your education. And also because it's sad that you've never seen a freaking hockey game."
Jim, who's driving, briefly turns around and grins at Steve. "It’ll be fine, dude. You don't really need to know the rules to understand the game. We'll catch the game and then go and have a few drinks afterwards. And if we’re lucky, we'll get laid. I plan to enjoy this weekend to the fullest; god only knows when we'll all be off again at the same time."
It hadbeen difficult, Steve admits in his head. Mike, Jim, Jim's roommate Curtis and himself very seldom were granted weekend liberty at the same time.
That still doesn't explain why they have to spend their one free night in Landover. But Steve resigns himself to silence because any more questions and the guys would call it sulking. No way is he giving them this kind of ammunition to tease the shit out of him. He’d rather just endure a boring evening watching some stupid sport.
It takes them roughly half an hour to go to Landover, something Steve’s glad of, because four big men in Jim's small car is torture on everyone's knees.
Mike, sitting next to Steve in the back, leans forward to poke at Curtis and asks, "Your girl meeting us at the stadium?"
The man nods.
"Carol lives near it, so we decided that would be best. We can leave the car at her place afterwards and go our separate ways if we want. That way we have a fixed meeting place for tomorrow afternoon."
Through the mirror, Jim shares a dirty grin with Mike and Steve. There's no doubt where Curtis will spend the night. Steve himself isn't so sure though.
While Mike and Jim probably would have no trouble picking up girls, Steve isn't so confidant. Or rather, he isn't sure he wants to. Maybe he’ll go his own way after the hockey game, see if maybe he can pick up something more to his taste. Something with less curves and more hard planes.
**************************
Ten minutes later they pull into a parking space near the stadium and while Steve is used to the crowds that gather for football games -it's football after all- it's cool to see that the stadium should be filled to capacity this evening too.
He enjoys sports more when there's a good atmosphere going on, same as with a concert.
Carol is waiting for them near an entrance and gives them all a wave before attempting to suck off Curtis' face.
The other guys ignore them, shooting the shit for a bit before the couple detangles themselves and they all head in.
Steve's first though is 'It's cool.' Followed by 'Wow, ice.' because even if he's been gone from Hawaii a few years now, the novelty of seeing it will probably never disappear.
They find seats, grab some beer, something to eat… and then his friends, those fuckers, put him into a Capitals jersey, before pulling on their own. Even Carol is wearing one.
His cursing is ignored; instead Mike's elbow finds its way into his ribs.
"Stop your whining, McGarrett, and enjoy your beer instead."
He does as he's told, listens instead to the noise of the crowd but refuses to lose his scowl. On his other side, Jim is already flirting with a girl that came with a group of friends, and the way she keeps giggling indicates that she will accompany them after the game.
They arrived a bit early, just in case, and so it's an hour and a few beers later that the players head onto the ice to warm up.
Steve has to admit it looks cool, the way they are moving so effortlessly. He’d tried ice skating once, and all that falling on his ass had been enough to prevent him from ever trying again. That doesn't mean though that he can't admire it when it's done well.
And even if he's no one to judge, it's done very well.
The guys are skating circles around each other, shooting pucks towards their goaltender and if it weren't for the concentrated looks on their faces, it would look like some guys just fucking around.
Most of the players are tall and bulky, although Steve has no idea how much of that is the guys themselves and how much is the protective gear, but it certainly is impressive. Especially in comparison to some of the scrawnier guys.
It's one of the scrawnier guys that catches Steve's eye in the end.
Maybe it's because of the halo of blond hair that surrounds his head or the way he is talking to his teammates, moving his arms like windmills. He's in constant motion, vibrant, and Steve can't look away. Not even when he notices that the guy’s jersey doesn't match the ones of the team he was told to root for, the one he’s wearing right now.
He's a New Jersey Devil then.
When the game is about to start and the players put on their helmets, Steve nearly loses sight of the guy, because all the players kind of look the same now, but one last look… and yeah, name and number memorized.
Steve has never been the type of fan that obsesses, screams or god forbid squeals at the sight of a player he admires or likes.
Still, if he has to sit here and watch this game, he might as well ogle…Williams, 4… while he's at it.
The starting players line up, the anthem is sung and then the game starts. Or, more fitting, all hell breaks loose.
It’s brutal, it's fast, and it's fucking beautiful to watch. Despite himself, Steve is captivated.
He'll probably always be a football fan and lover, but this… is something else entirely. It is constant motion, speed and contact.
There are checks, some cleaner than others, and a kind of stick handling that Steve sometimes can't even see but still brings the puck into the possession of the other team.
Sometimes fights break out and instead of breaking them up immediately, the referees let them go on, giving the whole thing something of a Roman gladiator feel, with the crowds cheering while fists fly and blood flows.
At one time, Steve's pretty sure a player spits out a tooth.
Mike explains some of the rules to him while the game continues but most of the stuff goes over his head. What he does manage to remember is that Williams is - despite his rather small size - a defenseman. And he does an awesome job of it.
The guy is absolutely fearless, takes on guys a head taller than him and lays them flat if needed.
It’s obviously not his job to shoot the goals but to prevent them and protect his teammates.
And still, near the end of the first third, the guy manages to score. It's 1-0.
Before he knows it, Steve's on his feet and cheering. And just as fast, hands grab his shirt and pull him back down again.
"Jesus fuck, McGarrett, we can't take you anywhere. That was the Devils scoring, not the Capitals. If you want to suddenly show feelings, cry."
It doesn't bother Steve though. Instead he grins to himself, enjoying himself immensely.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad that the guys had dragged him along to this.
**************************
The second period is even faster. There's constant motion, constant attack on the Devils goal and Steve is not sure how their goaltender manages to keep that low crouched position for so long. His thigh muscles must be amazing.
Williams has his hands full, especially when one of the New Jersey team has to go outside for two minutes for tripping a guy.
Steve and his friends all lean forwards, though probably for different reasons. While his friends are holding their breath for a goal to even the score, Steve does the same to prevent that from happening. The next two minutes are nerve-wracking. The defense tries as best as they can but with a loud roar from the crowd in the stadium, the score evens out and Steve watches as Williams' line leaves the ice quickly but with lowered heads.
But it doesn't stop there. Two more goals fall and before Steve knows it, it's the end of the second period and it stands 1-3 for the Capitals.
Curtis and Carol go to grab them something more to drink, and Steve is left to kind of bite his nails.
"They can still win, right?" he asks Mike. "I mean, hockey looks like a really fast game, so they should manage in twenty more minutes?"
Mike stares at him and even Jim ignores his flame of the evening to look at him incredulously.
"You do remember that I said we're cheering for the Capitals, right? The team that's currently leading?"
Steve nods and for a second Jim looks placated, but then he adds: "But I like the New Jersey team better. So? Can they?"
He gets two hits from his friends before Mike just looks resigned and laughs at him.
"At least you're passionate about something besides your studies and training for once. Yeah, it's no problem. A lot can happen in twenty minutes."
When Curtis and Carol come back, Jim naturally can't resist telling on Steve, and so he has to endure some more ribbing, but it's fine. They're his friends and he's actually enjoying himself. For tonight, he's just a regular guy watching sports with friends while drinking beer and if he's ogling a guy’s ass - an ass that's so heavily protected that he can't see anything really - then it's only his business. What he does do though, is loose the goddamn Capitals jersey he’s wearing. His loyalties definitely lie with New Jersey now.
Third period starts and Williams has turned into a fucking tank. He's hitting left and right and while he has to leave the game twice, it's pretty effective, Steve thinks.
New Jersey manages to score two more goals, and five minutes before the end of the regular time, its 3 -3.
Until it's not.
Because while the last seconds are ticking away, Williams manages to prevent the puck from going into the goal by kind of throwing himself literally in its way, passes it to a teammate while being on his belly and said teammate puts the puck into the enemy’s goal with a long shot. It's more luck than skill, but whatever, it counts, it's a fucking goal and Jesus fuck, New Jersey won! Steve's kind of jumping up and down, cheering while his friends pretend not to know him.
The game ends 4-3 for New Jersey and the crowd's mood is low. But it's not as bad as expected, mostly, as Jim explains to him, because it was a good, fair game.
They bring the car to Carol’s place before they decide to head out to one of the clubs Carol says is popular right now. It's six of them now, Jim as expected in the company of the girl he picked up during the game.
The club is…okay, Steve guesses. It's loud, there's dancing, and people. Lots and lots of people. Carol definitely wasn't lying when she said it was popular. The couples of their group are dancing already and Steve can see that Mike has his eyes on a group of women currently standing at the bar.
"Mike? Mike!"
Finally, his friend pulls away his eyes and turns his head.
"I'm going to head out and find something different, this isn't for me tonight."
He gets half a shrug as an answer because - thank god - they're not joined at the hip.
"Cool, man. You know where the car is, we'll meet there about 1600. Also remember, Carol said if you can't find somewhere else to sleep, you're welcome to crash on her couch."
He does remember indeed. It had been a really nice offer, especially considering that she probably wants to have Curtis for her own tonight. He doesn't plan to take her up on it, but it is always good to have options.
Leaving the club, he enjoys the night air for a second before starting to look around. Nothing else is in the immediate distance.
Trying to be quiet, he looks at the roads, left, right and straight ahead of himself and mumbles low under his breath: "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe." And yes, right road it is.
For a short instance his chest hurts, thinking of Mary using that rhyme to decide which of the cookies their mom offered she'd take, but he quickly pushes that thought away. It has been a good night so far. No need to think thoughts that he knows will leave him feeling depressed.
He starts to head right when he hears a low chuckle behind himself that makes him stop in his tracks and turn around again.
And stare.
Because he’s pretty sure standing in front of him is Williams, 4. Out of gear and dressed in slacks and a dress shirt instead.
And damnit, he is gorgeous. The blond hair Steve had admired at the beginning of the game is still wet at the tips and curling slightly, probably from the postgame shower and his left cheek shows a slight discoloration, probably from one of the fights.
But the slacks cling in all the right places, same as the dress shirt and if Steve isn't careful he will drool instead of communicating like a normal human being.
So he pulls himself together, raises an eyebrow and simply asks, "What's so funny?"
The blue eyes of his counterpart - and Jesus, so blue, Hawaiian sky and water like - sparkle with mirth and the man chuckles again before answering, smile in his voice, "Sorry, I didn't want to eavesdrop but I was just passing you on my way inside when you started mumbling. You seriously just used a counting rhyme to decide where to go, didn't you?"
And Steve doesn't have an answer. Instead he blushes - fucking blushes - and as if that isn't bad enough, stutters.
Which should have been the point where the ground was nice enough to swallow him, but no such luck.
But low and behold, Williams doesn't seem to mind. Instead he freezes for a second before smiling in a way that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners and his whole boyish face lighten up.
Then he holds out his hand and says: "I'm Danny."
And Steve wants to say 'I know' only he doesn't, he hasn't, has only known his face since this evening, with a last name and a number on the jersey, and so he pulls himself together, shakes the offered hand and bravely answers, "I'm Steve, nice to meet you."
The handshake lasts longer than normal, but Steve doesn't mind. Danny has a good, tight grip and his hand is warm and strong. And so what if maybe Steve feels a spark or something when their skin touches?
But like all good things the handshake has to end before it becomes really awkward and so they release each other and Danny rocks back on his heels.
"Why are you leaving already? It's early and my friends said this club is 'in' at the moment. "Danny honestly looks curious.
"It's not bad. But too many people for me tonight. I was planning to go find a bar and grab a beer or something. Maybe with some music but definitely fewer people."
There is silence between them for a second before Danny seemingly nods to himself.
"You know what, I feel like less people too." And here he gives Steve a slow, lazy smile, and Jesus, is the guy flirting with him? "Would you mind if I tag along?"
And Steve can only shake his head, because his mind is still stuck on repeating 'did he, did he not' but no way in hell will he tell Danny no.
"Cool, awesome. Lemme tell my friends, and then we can be off. Wait here?"
"Yeah, I'll wait." And maybe the answer is more of a croak, but fuck, Danny has already turned towards the club and his slacks are doing things to his ass that should be illegal. And Steve had been right, even if he couldn't have been sure with the protective gear during the game, but that ass is fabulous. And he has to think of something else, because he is eighteen and it’s probably misconduct to the naval code to pop a boner while in public.
**************************
Neither has any idea of where they can go, so walking alongside each other, enjoying the night air, they just talk.
"So, what are you doing? College? I mean, how old are you?"
He glances up at Steve and Steve can't help the little spark of pleasure he feels about being a head taller than Danny. He likes it.
"I'm 18."
"Hey, same as me. I'm born August 23rd, 1976."
Steve stops in his tracks before staring at Danny.
"24th. Same month, same year."
And Danny just laughs, honestly delighted and fist bumps him.
"That’s a sign, buddy. C'mon, next bar we pass, I'll buy you a drink. Honestly, how fucking cool is that?"
And yeah, Steve has to admit, it is fucking cool. And weird. And who the hell cares what it's about when it makes Danny look so fucking vibrant.
Fifteen minutes later they finally manage to find a bar - clearly that counting rhyme was a shitty idea, by now they're nearly on the other side of town, but it brought him Danny, so whatever - and they enter.
It’s dim lighting, old wood and jukebox music. They both agree it's perfect, exactly what they wanted and so they settle into the corner of the bar and order two beers and just keep talking.
"So, like, what are you doing? I asked earlier already, but then I got stuck on our birthdays and I'm not always that good with keeping things in mind. My ma tells me I have a memory like a sieve but that's just unfair, you know? I just don't always have the attention span, or whatever. And sorry, I talk a lot. Just tell me to shut up if you need some breathing space or want to say something or whatever."
It makes Steve laugh into his beer, or rather choke on the swallow he has just taken because Danny seems to be everything he's not. And that's perfect, because there's nothing worse than two quiet people sitting at a table, not talking. It seems that won't be a problem tonight though.
"I don't mind, don't worry." And with a shy smile he admits, "I like listening to you, I'm not much for talking. So, I'm going to Annapolis. Second year."
Danny freezes for a moment, before giving Steve a guarded look.
"That's the Naval Academy, right?"
And maybe it's just Steve's imagination but he seems to build up a distance and no way is Steve letting that happen. Maybe it will get him punched or whatever, but if - if - Danny really was flirting with him, then he's not letting that be stopped by him being in the Navy.
So he carefully stretches out a leg and rubs against Danny's.
And Danny freezes. He gives Steve another look, calculating this time and Steve smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way back at him and wonder of wonders, Danny relaxes.
"Do you like it?"
Steve has to think a moment but…
"All in all, yeah. I'm originally from Hawaii and I never really wanted to leave, but in the end this is fine. I want to become a SEAL, you know? And Annapolis is an important step on the way there."
"A SEAL, huh," Danny says and swirls his beer a bit.
Then he looks up and says, "I'm playing hockey." To which Steve can only answer, "I kind of know? I was at the game today."
Danny’s silent for a second before softly saying, "There's a ‘Don't Ask Don't Tell’ in hockey too, you know."
It is the closest admission to what they are doing here yet. And Steve totally understands.
"That's fine. We both have something to lose but neither of us will tell. Isn't it kind of perfect?"
And he means what he says. For once, he won't have to worry. And Danny seems to agree, because he resolutely takes another drink and then gives Steve another of his 1000W smiles.
"So, Steven. How did you like us kicking your ass?"
And all Steve can answer is a helpless: "It was my first hockey game. And I was rooting for you the whole evening."
It leads to an hour of Danny making fun of him and explaining the rules and it is the most fun ‘date’ Steve has had in a while.
Besotted, he watches as Danny moves toothpicks around to explain a power play setup that Steve has no chance of remembering because he is stuck watching those sparkling blue eyes.
"And then I go and do this."
One of the toothpicks moves but instead of going after the small paper ball that serves as a makeshift-puck, it goes and painfully pokes Steve's hand.
"Fuck, ouch. Why'd you do that?"
"'cause you're not listening to me."
Steve coughs and honestly tries to look sorry but he kind of fails and he ends up just grinning stupidly. "So, forget strategies. Explain to me how it is that you're only 18 and still starter up for a NHL game. You that good?"
It gets him a bright laugh.
"God, no. New Jersey got hit by a wave of injuries and I got called up to fill in for a few games. I mean, I'm doing my best, you know? Gotta show what I can do 'cause this could be my big chance. I'm a decent defence player but certainly not the next Gretzky or something."
"The next what?"
And honestly, Steve hadn't meant to be ignorant, but the way Danny looks at him, he might as well have asked if the Earth really is a ball.
So the next thirty minutes, Danny spends on educating Steve on the finer points of a still playing legend and it's kind of obvious that…
"You have a giant crush on that man!" Steve says with amazement.
And Danny just blushes but refuses to look away, muttering, "Everyone who likes hockey probably does."
But then he looks straight at Steve, leans over and whispers into his ear: "But at the moment, my eyes are only on you."
And that's it. The next step of the evening. It seems Danny is done talking. And Steve can work with that. He finishes his beer, licks his lips and then gives the blond a slow once over.
"So, how are we doing this? I obviously don't have a place here and I can't bring you on campus."
Laughing, Danny shakes his head.
"As if I could go there. I just have tonight and that’s only because we won. I'm sharing a hotel room, so that's a no-no too. Let's go grab a cheap room for tonight, hm?"
And that's it.
It's so fucking easy with Danny, and Steve is amazed, because normally, it's so hard to find guys to hook up with. He always has to be careful, has to think about where and when and who because it could cost him everything he has.
But this time, his partner has just as much to lose, if not more, and it's oddly relaxing. For once both parties concerned know what they want and it's just perfect. Steve is going to enjoy the hell out of this.
**************************
They do manage to find a cheap hotel and Danny asks Steve to get the room because "Chances are no one will recognize me, but I can't take that risk. So, please. Would you be so kind?"
And the man is right, it could happen, so Steve agrees and orders them a room for one night from a bored looking man.
Danny casually joins him a few minutes later only to shoot him a panicked look.
"Condoms. Shit, gimme the room number, and I'll be right back."
It's room number 13 and true to his word, Danny heads of again while Steve heads to their room.
It's a cheap room with flowery wallpaper that's slightly yellowed from age and old fashioned furniture that creaks when Steve tests it with his weight. The bathroom is small but the shower and toilet are clean as is the bed, even if its corners aren’t military folded like Steve's used to.
He takes off his shoes and sweater and gets comfortable on the bed, doing breathing exercises to keep calm and trying not to think about Danny maybe making a run for it instead of getting supplies.
But he shouldn't have worried, because just a few minutes later there is a knock on the door and when Steve opens it, Danny’s standing there.
The blond pushes past him, throws a brown paper bag on the bed and then, without ceremony, starts unbuttoning his dress shirt.
Which is Steve's cue to step in and stop his hands. No way is he letting them rush this.
Instead, he leans in and claims Danny's lips in the first kiss of the evening, one of many more he hopes.
It's slow and wet and perfect in the way that it isn't. Because they both want to lead, and their lips are clashing and teeth are knocking together and eventually they have to part because they're laughing so hard.
Foreheads pressed together, Steve grins down at Danny and then softly requests, "Let me?"
And it seems like an eternity, but eventually Danny gives a slight nod.
So they try kissing again and this time it’s just as perfect but more harmonized. Because Danny does let him. So Steve takes his time in exploring the blond’s mouth with his tongue and gently scraping and biting his lower lip with his teeth.
In theory, Steve could spend eternity just like this, but reality is that he’s over a head taller than Danny and his neck is starting to hurt.
So he slowly walks them backwards until they can stumble onto the bed.
Naturally, it creaks, just as Steve had known it would from his previous testing. Danny hadn’t though, and with a definite squeak he jumps a bit and looks startled, wide eyes searching around while Steve can’t help but laugh at him.
“Relax, Danny. It’s just the bed.”
He gets a glare, probably for the way he’s still chuckling.
“You could have warned me. You totally knew that…”
Steve doesn’t let him finish, instead he claims his mouth once again and swallows all of Danny’s words.
It’s a great kiss but they’re both 18 and in the end, it’s not enough.
Unsurprisingly, it’s Danny’s hands that start to wander first, slipping under Steve’s shirt and gently mapping his back. It feels good, the rough skin and the big, strong hands, sliding across his skin, caressing and exploring at the same time.
He wants to return the favour, do some exploring of his own, but Danny beneath him on his back is a big obstacle in the way of getting his hands under his shirt. So Steve tugs them both into a sitting position and with quick movements frees them both of their upper body clothing.
The gasp that escapes him upon the sight of Danny’s chest isn’t one of pleasure though.
Instead of the golden skin he’d expected to find, it’s a landscape of bruises, different colours blending into each other and suddenly Steve is afraid of touching Danny. This was supposed to be about pleasure.
“Danny, you should have said. I was fucking lying on you, didn’t it hurt?”
A finger to his lips silences him and then a gentle kiss is pressed to the corner of his mouth.
“Babe, calm down.”
The nickname startles him just as much as the gentle gesture does, and he can’t help but focus his gaze on Danny’s face and notice the gentle smile that’s gifted to him.
“They’re just bruises, I’m used to them. They look worse than they are, trust me. If you leave the one where I took the puck alone,” he indicates an especially dark one on the left side of his belly and Steve suddenly remembers how Danny had thrown himself in the course of the black piece of plastic to stop it, “then everything is okay. Got it?”
Steve nods, before running his fingers in a featherlike caress above the indicated place to memorize where not to touch. As for the rest, he’s still worried. But he also trusts Danny to speak up and so he gently lowers Danny back onto the mattress and dives right into the exploration of Danny’s chest.
Using his hands and mouth, he can’t help but be fascinated by Danny’s nipples.
The blond obviously likes having them played with and Steve loves the noises he can get Danny to make. He doesn’t quite understand, his own are not very sensitive, but he’s more than happy to see what noises he can get Danny to make.
They’re not porno-like, not even moans, but small huffs of air and near silent gasps.
Danny seems happy enough to let him have his way but when Steve starts dipping his tongue into his belly button and lets his fingers play over his fly, he’s suddenly pushed away.
Startled, he looks up, worried he’s done something wrong, but he can’t have, because Danny is lying there, surrounded by a halo of blond hair, red faced and breathing heavily. He wants to ask what’s up, but Danny beats him to it when he suddenly jumps into action and starts wriggling out of his trousers.
“Babe, I’m 18, and you’re not helping my non-existent teenage control. No way am I coming in my pants when I have no change of clothing here.”
And seconds after, he’s naked. Like, totally. There are more bruises on his legs, but there’s also a gorgeous cock standing proudly up and yeah, Steve can relate to Danny’s words.
He wastes no time losing his own jeans, only he gets tangled up with one leg and ends up falling rather gracelessly onto Danny, making the other man gasp for breath and laugh at the same time.
And it’s so ridiculous and unsexy, the way they’re giggling like kids while hard against each other’s belly, but it’s also fun and relaxed and Steve is so very glad that he met Danny tonight.
Eventually the laughter trails off and they lazily kiss instead. But as Danny said, they’re both 18, so self-control isn’t really on the table.
They debate jerking each other off as a starter, but Danny puts it very practically in the end: “I can rub one out on my own. I wanna get fucked tonight, multiple times if possible.”
It makes Steve laugh again - he can’t remember the last time he laughed so much, not to mention when sex was ever this much fun - and he grabs the bag Danny has brought back.
Inside there are condoms and lube and Steve wastes no time in pouring the slick onto his fingers while Danny spreads his legs without any sign of shyness, before probing Danny’s hole.
He starts with one finger, probing gently before entering and on Danny’s demand soon adds a second one.
He spends some time scissoring them which is just as much for him as for Danny. The guy feels amazing inside and Steve can’t wait to enter him.
After the third finger, Danny insists he’s ready but Steve decides to tease him some more and instead goes for a fourth finger. It’s a tight fit but the way Danny gasps and clenches around them is nearly irresistible.
In the end he has to stop teasing though because suddenly there’s a hand on his balls, squeezing gently and a pleasant voice husks, “Now. Or I’ll rip these off.”
Danny’s eyes are blown wide and his smile is lazy and Steve is neither stupid enough nor able to resist the man anymore. He presses another open-mouthed kiss onto Danny’s shoulder and then starts looking for a condom. He finds one and Danny helpfully releases his balls to help putit on him but four hands are a bit much for one condom and by now lube is kind of everywhere and before they know it, the condom has shot across the room. Their startled gazes follow its flight and for a second there is no sound. Then the giggles start and they decide that Steve should probably sheath up alone.
There are still some chuckles until Steve finally slides into the blond hockey player and it does amazing things to his dick.
The height difference is perfect now because their mouths are kind of on the same height so it’s easy to kiss and thrust and soon they’re rocking into each other without much rhythm. It’s messy and without much skill and they both don’t last long. It’s fucking mind-blowing.
Chapter II
The next morning, it's surprisingly hard to part. They have only known each other for a few hours, two days if he's generous, but already Steve doesn't really want to let Danny go.
The blond is buttoning up his shirt and even though Steve wants to do that for him, he resists and instead slips into his jeans and tee, tying the sweater around his hips. After, he sits down on the bed they so thoroughly rumpled during the last few hours and just stares at the other man until he's finished dressing. Only then does he speak up.
"Danny?"
Blue eyes fasten on him immediately. "Yeah?"
"It's only noon. I have till 1600. Do you…have time to maybe grab something to eat with me?"
Danny’s fingers flutter for a moment before his hands still at his hips.
Everything is still and for a second Danny closes his eyes and Steve is sure he'll get a 'no' only he doesn't. Instead, he gets a soft, "Yes, I'd like that." It's barely more than a breath.
It surprises Steve and he can't manage to suppress his smile. He finds he doesn't want to. Instead he gets up and steps in front of Danny, leans down and shares his smile in a soft kiss.
"Then let's go. My treat."
"My my, Mr. McGarrett. Is this a date?"
And surprisingly, Steve finds that he wants it to be. It's backward and impossible and it won't, can't lead to anything, but for now he wants to pretend otherwise. Because he genuinely likes Danny. So he squeezes the other man’s hand and doesn't let go until they are at the door. And for a second he wishes it would be okay to keep that smaller but still strong hand in his, but he knows that it’s impossible, so regretfully he opens the door and lets go.
But he keeps close to Danny and while they are walking their hands keep kind of brushing and Steve finds that that's okay too. It's not perfect, but he learned early that things seldom are. He learned to take and enjoy what he could while he could.
And Danny is here right now. He won't regret things before he has to.
**************************
They go to a small diner and grab a late breakfast. Steve tries not to, but every once and again he looks at his watch and the seconds, minutes, hours they have left ticking down. At present it is 2 hours and 35 minutes.
Danny's hand settles on his just then and when looking up, Steve meets a serious gaze.
"Babe, stop looking, okay? Let's just enjoy our meal and the time we have together."
Reluctantly, Steve nods and squeezes Danny's fingers for a moment before detangling their hands and returning to his meal.
"What the fuck is this by the way? I'll never let you order for me again."
Affronted, Steve leans back and stares at both their plates.
"What? It's an egg white omelet. And whole-wheat bread. And milk."
Danny just stares at him as if he is from another planet.
"It's fucking disgusting, is what it is. I'm on a nutrition plan and while that is mostly disgusting too, it has never dropped to egg white omelets and toast without anything on it. And fucking milk! I'm not a kid, you know."
But he bravely soldiers on eating - probably because he has a pit instead of a stomach - Steve thinks darkly.
"You know, for a little guy who proclaims to not like what he has on his plate you're really fast with making it disappear."
It gets him a laugh and a wink.
"Just trying to swallow it as a whole so I don't have to taste it. You finished? If you want, we can take a walk. If you want to, that is. Otherwise we could just…say goodbye, I guess."
The teasing tone has disappeared as has the self-confidence Steve has grown used to seeing on Danny. Instead his words have turned hesitant and low.
As if there is a way Steve will say no to that offer.
"Yeah, let's go for a walk. You won't get into trouble?"
Danny smiles and shakes his head.
"Maybe a bit. But it's worth it. As long as I'm back in time to grab my bag before the team leaves, everything is cool."
And so they head to a nearby park, find a hidden bench and do something as disgusting as sitting close together, hands brushing between them like the shy teenagers they still kind of are, and talk.
Steve hasn't talked so much in years and that in itself is amazing. But even more amazing is how easy it is to just be silent and listen and enjoy Danny's rambling.
The guy could talk someone to death and he jumps from topic to topic, but it is relaxing and fun to listen. Danny is so fucking intelligent it’s nearly a shame that he decided to play a game that only cares about muscles when he clearly could have been so much more.
He says so to Danny, and for a second there is only silence.
"My dad said the same. He wanted me to be something more, and to not be dependent on a job that will toss me out if my joints aren’t working as they should. But ice hockey… it's what I fucking love man, you know? And in the end, my dad let me be. Even if he makes comments. I'm not a real part of the NHL yet so my pay is kind of shitty, but it's worth it to just be able to do what I love."
And Steve does understand. Maybe better than Danny thinks because…
"My dad is kind of the same? Though I think he's maybe proud of me wanting to become a SEAL? I don't know, we don't talk much."
Turning his head to look Steve in the eyes, Danny frowns.
"You don't?"
And here's when Steve normally changes topics but it's different with Danny. He has no idea why, but it is.
"My mom died a few years ago. And he just shipped me and my sister off. I don't… well. I haven't talked to him much since then."
The grip around his fingers tightens but all Danny says is: "That's harsh."
They continue to sit in silence, just enjoying the breeze and the sounds of the leaves rustling, but after some time it's Danny who's sighing and looking at his wristwatch.
"I think I have to get going in a bit."
It's nearly a reflex, the way Steve’s grip tightens around Danny’s fingers upon hearing the words.
Danny just does the same and whispers: "I know, babe. Don't want to go either."
His other hand moves restlessly, mussing his hair and he mumbles as if to himself: "This wasn't supposed to happen. I was planning on a quick fuck."
He's silent for a second, than he stands and turns to face Steve.
"Gimme your address," he demands.
It's all Steve can do to keep his chin from dropping in a rather stupid way.
"Give you my… Give you my what? My address? Why?"
A finger pokes his forehead.
"Obviously, so I can write to you. If I stay on this team - which I really, really hope I will - I might come to Landover more often. Or I could… I could just come to visit at times and you could maybe visit me? Or we could just write and keep in contact through letters. If you want to, that is."
And there it is again. Insecurity, something Danny never should be.
"Let's do that."
And so they exchange addresses and say goodbye with an awkward hug that’s still kind of nice, Danny heading back to his hotel to meet the team and Steve finally, nearly running late, making his way to Carol’s apartment.
There's a lot of teasing amongst his friends, because each of them has more than their share of hickeys above the collar but it's all good-natured.
They had a fucking amazing weekend, and if it will get to be more than a quick fuck for Steve? Well, it wasn't what he had expected, hadn't even been something he had known he wanted… but feeling the heavy weight of the slip of paper Danny had given him, he can't help but look forward to the letter which will be - if Danny is to be believed, and Steve has no reason not to - very soon on its way to him.
He's going to enjoy this journey, where he has no idea where it's headed. He likes Danny and he has a feeling that this thing between them could be something good. Whether friendship or more, Danny’s the kind of person that would be good to have in his life.
Chapter III
The idea with the letters was a good one on Danny's part. They aren't coming often but regularly and if Steve writes as much as Danny talks, well, the blond doesn't seem to mind and instead continues to rant with his pen as he does with his tongue.
Slowly but surely, Steve learns everything there is to know about the Williams family.
About the parents that are third generation immigrants, the younger brother who's a brat but still hangs on to Danny's shirt when he can and the three younger sisters who are all too beautiful for their own good and know it.
Steve's chest is aching when he reads about how Danny has to regularly beat up guys who don't know where to keep their hands, because this is something he should be doing for Mary.
Only he doesn't, can't really, because she's far away and doesn't really keep in contact with him.
And from what he can get from his aunt, she's already starting to be trouble and he tries not to think about how that just might be his fault because he's just not there.
He always tries to stop thinking like that, because, as Danny tells him quite clearly in one of his letters, ‘You are her brother, Steve. But you are not her dad. It should be him taking care of and looking out for her. Don't take on burdens that are not yours to bear.’
And he does try, but sometimes it's just hard. But then he’ll read one of Danny's letters and for a while he can forget about all the pressure being put on his shoulders by family and school.
He tries to write back as well as he can, but he's not sure if reading his letters helps Danny as much as it does him. He hopes it does.
Especially the one he writes after Danny tells him he's being sent down again to his former club, now that the injured players have recovered and returned.
He tries for the well known platitudes of "Don't give up." and "One day soon, you'll see."
He finishes up with, "I saw you play Danny, and I loved it. And if I can see how amazing you are on the ice, someone who really has no idea about this game, then other people will see it too, I'm sure of it."
He hopes it helps. Danny never talks about it afterwards, but after that letter he comes to Annapolis on a weekend Steve manages to get leave and they spend two days holed up in a hotel room.
It's perfect, even if it hurts like fuck when Danny has to leave again.
It's also when Steve starts to wonder when he went from liking the guy to slowly falling for him.
He had never thought it possible, being gay and such. What he had managed to learn about it had mostly to do with AIDS and HIV, followed by men playing bondage games and fucking everything they could. No one had bothered to tell him that love was possible between men. But maybe that was because he had never bothered to learn. If he was honest with himself, he had never known that he wanted that for himself, especially after he had seen what had happened to his dad after his mom had died.
But that was his dad and if Steve knows anything, he knows he’s not his father. And Steve is strong and he won't be intimidated by this. He will keep going and see if maybe falling for Danny can lead to being head over heels, fairytale-like in love. Because Danny, he has the feeling, is worth it.
**************************
It starts with Mike looking through his stuff. Because he's looking for something.
Only what he finds instead is Danny's last letter to Steve.
Steve has no idea why Mike doesn't put it down and reads it instead. He never bothers to ask.
Because when he returns and finds Mike sitting on his bed, that letter in his hands, he just freezes.
And when Mike looks at him and flatly asks, "You a faggot, McGarrett?“ he denies it. Without second thought, he denies everything that Danny already is to him.
He makes fun of the words Danny wrote to him, of the way he wrote about his feelings for Steve. Acts as if he's just too nice to crush Danny's hopes.
He feels like Saint Peter must have when denying his friend.
Mike joins in on making fun of Danny and while Steve laughs along with him, he feels sick like he never has before. He wants to puke.
Especially when Mike tells him: "You should stop this letter stuff, McGarrett. Someone else might not bother to ask and then you might be kicked out of here, if not worse. Stop this while you can."
Mike leaves then, and Steve wastes no time running to the bathroom. Where he pukes until nothing is left in his stomach. And even then he can't stop.
********************************
He doesn't reply to the letter he made fun of. He keeps it though, carefully locked away. The oddly few shy words that for the first time ever hinted of being in love. Of Danny being in love with Steve.
The letter after he tosses away right after being handed it, as he does the next ten. After that the letters stop. Danny doesn't though.
It's a few months later, after Steve hooked up with three different women to keep Mike from asking questions, that Danny turns up in person.
Steve has no idea how he manages to get onto the campus, but there he is.
Steve has just finished one of his classes, one he has with Mike and right when they step out of the building, he sees Danny.
The blond is leaning on crutches, and if Steve has to make an educated guess, he would say it's his knee that's injured.
If it weren't for Mike, or even if Steve were someone else, someone who's not a coward, he would run to the other man’s side, to find out what he can do to make it all better because Danny's mouth is pressed into a tight line, probably from pain, and his eyes look bruised and his body thinner than it did when they last saw each other.
But Mike is there. And Steve is a coward.
So he just walks by with Mike at his side and gives Danny barely more than a glance. Or rather, he tries.
Because in that one second where they are right next to each other, he sees that Danny kind of looks as if he might cry. The blond tries to reach out to him with a hand but can't finish the move because it would mean losing the support of the crutch. Steve wants to reach out and steady him when he sways a bit. But he doesn't. He also ignores the barley breathed, "Steve…"
And then the second is gone and he is past Danny.
Only he's not. Because that tiny bit of him, the part that had warmed in his chest when he had read that last letter of Danny's, refuses to leave Danny's side.
And the further he walks away from where Danny was, the more it pulls at his heart. Until it finally feels as if his heart is ripped apart. If nothing else, it shows him how foolish he was in thinking that what he was feeling for Danny was just a strong like, turning to love.
He had already been there. He still is.
And for the first time, he can kind of understand his father. Because he had thought the man weak for not being able to go on after Steve's mother had died.
Instead, he thinks, his father must be stronger than most. Because Steve? He just wants to crawl under his blanket and die. Because he made Danny look defeated. And he had denied him. But even worse than that, if that’s even possible, was that he had denied himself. And he isn't strong enough to change any of that.
******************************
After that, there are no more letters or visits.
Steve skips the articles about ice hockey, doesn't listen to talks about it or watch it on TV. He wants nothing to remind him of Danny.
But he hopes that Danny made it back to the NHL. Once, he hears in passing the words Williams and New Jersey Devils in one sentence and assumes that the blond got his wish granted. He can't help the bittersweet smile that glides across his face. He hopes Danny will get everything he ever dreamed of. And find someone who's worthy of the love the blond has to give. The love Steve kicked to the curb.
Chapter IV
Over the next few years there are a lot of women. They come in all shapes and sizes and before Steve knows it he has earned himself the nickname "Smooth Dog".
Only he doesn't feel smooth. Each woman is more chore than pleasure and he's glad when he finally starts training as a SEAL because he finally has a good excuse to stop doing one night stands under the pretence of focusing only on his training. As an added bonus he finally parts ways with Mike. Their friendship had never been the same after the letter and at times Steve felt as if each of his interactions was watched by Mike’s eagle eyes.
Needless to say, there are no guys after Danny.
But Steve being scared he'll have a repeat of what happened at Annapolis is only a small reason for that. The big truth is that he wants no one but Danny. Even after years without him, way longer than he had ever been with him, there is no other guy Steve wants to hold and be held by. And even if he cut their ties before what they had could fully develop, Steve will stay faithful to the one person he still loves above all others.
**************************
On his 32nd birthday, he's in another jungle with another shit-hit-the-fan situation. They're surrounded, probably outnumbered and Steve is not sure if they'll make it out. He thinks about meaningful words he should maybe say to his team but nothing comes to mind. Instead he thinks, as every year, of another person that turned 32 just yesterday and he faintly hears,"It’s a sign, buddy."
Instead it’s Walter, his second in command, that breaks the silence and startles him out of his thoughts.
"Just so you guys know. My friend Ben? He's my fiancé. And if we make it out of here, we’re gonna go to his hometown in fucking Canada and get married. And you fuckers better come or I'll kill you myself."
For a second Steve feels as if he’s hit by a bullet, but no, it's just that he forgot to breathe for a second. He prepares to defend Walter, say some words to turn it into a joke… but they are not needed. Because the whole team offers whispered congratulations and promises of being there in fucking Canada if they make it out of here and…they're all okay with it.
Three months later, he's best man at his friend's gay wedding who in a matter of a few days turned from a American soldier into a Canadian civilian, and Steve feels nothing but numb. Because it finally hits him that things have changed. He had kind of known, it was impossible not to… but they had changed.
And then the regret hits him. Because this - Walter and Ben - that could have been Danny and him. At 18, he didn’t know what he would do with himself if not being a part of the Navy. At 32, he admits to himself that he would give up being a SEAL without a second thought if only it would mean Danny in a shared apartment, waiting for him to come home in the evenings.
He makes it through the ceremony and the best man’s speech, which he managed to write, funny enough. Looking at the happy couple though, it’s hard to swallow the words of jealousy down. Afterwards he gets drunk enough that he doesn’t feel embarrassed when he pulls Walter onto the dance floor under the cheering of the team.
His parting words to Walter, before he and the team return to base to be sent into another combat situation are, “Never let him go”. His gift to them is a painting of the Lemniscate of Bernoulli.
A few hours later, when he checks his phone, there’s a simple message from Walter that reads,I’ll always listen if you want to talk.
2010
And now he's here, facing the only man, the only person not part of his family, that he loved - still loves - with all of his heart, both with guns in their hands.
He knows Danny hasn’t forgotten him because he can see the blond’s lips forming the silent word "Steve" before his mouth closes in a tight line and his finger tightens around the trigger, making Steve wonder if he will shoot. But then the finger relaxes again.
For a moment there's just silence but Steve can't help himself after a few more seconds. Which is just wrong. It used to be Danny that couldn't stand the silence. He lowers his weapon and stammers, "Danny… what are you doing here? I mean, with a weapon and just… Hawaii?"
Danny’s voice is cold when he answers, "I'm a cop, McGarrett. We tend to carry firearms. And if we're a part of the local police force, we're especially encouraged to do so."
He can't help the incredulity in his voice when he digs deeper.
"A cop? But you're a hockey player…"
It gets him the most awful laugh he has ever heard. It's hurt and bitter and burns him like acid. It's everything Danny's laugh never should have been.
"I haven't been a hockey player in years, McGarrett. Last time you saw me? I had already busted my knee in an irreparable way. There was no more hockey for me. So now I'm a fucking police officer and you better tell me what you are doing here or I'll drag your fucking ass back to the station."
There is only hate in Danny's voice. It hurts like nothing has in a very long time.
But Steve is not 18 anymore. He has grown braver over the years and this time, instead of fighting to stay hidden, he will fight to get back what he once had.
Because he had thought he’d lost Danny forever. Only now, Danny is here, right in front of him and there's no ring on his finger.
It's not much to go on, but it's enough, it’s something. If Steve’s honest with himself, not even a ring would be able to stop him from trying to make Danny his. He may win the man back or he might not, but he will try. He will fight with everything he has because Danny was worth it over fifteen years ago and a man like that doesn't change.
So he pulls out his cell phone and makes a call to the governor.
And later, when Danny has driven off as if the devil is on his heels, he also requests the blond as his partner.
Danny will hate him, but then he already does and Steve is not above fighting dirty. He has studied warfare for years.
Danny won't know what hit him.
Because Steve will crawl, and he will beg and he will follow Danny from now on wherever he goes. He will tell him the truth and how sorry he is, how he always regretted, even when he was too weak to change things. How he regrets not being there when Danny had to give up the sport he loved. And god, doesn’t that just make his heart bleed?
He can still see Danny, so many years ago now, standing with his crutches all alone on campus, helpless, unable to reach out but still trying to. He must have hurt so bad then, physically and emotionally, his dreams just recently fallen apart, but he had still come after Steve. And Steve had left him standing alone, had walked away.
But never again, from now on he will always be there because there is nothing that will keep him away. He will take every breadcrumb Danny might throw him. And if he really lost his chance at being allowed to love Danny, than he will try his fucking best at being his friend. Because being anything to Danny would be better than what he is right now to the man. Less than nothing.
~End~
Author: heiligwasser
Artist: halighfataliter
Word Count: ~12,000
Type: slash
Rating: NC17
Characters/Pairings: Danny/Steve
Warnings sexual context, strong language, AU
Summary: Steve is 18 and has no idea about ice hockey when he's dragged to a game by his Naval Academy buddies. Post-game he’s still not got a clue, but he does have a new appreciation for one Danny Williams, whose moves on the ice made him enjoy a sport he had previously thought boring. When they hook up afterwards, it looks like it may lead to something more. But the question is, can it possibly last?
Author's Notes:
1. Really big thanks to iam_space for being an awesome beta reader.
2. Lots of hugs for dante_s_hell, for letting me ramble, whine and giving me helpful advice.
Prologue
It's lightning and thunder. It's violins and a fucking choir of angels. Honestly, Steve's surprised that there isn’t a sunray shining down onto the golden haired man he has his gun trained on and vice versa.
Daniel Williams.
The man Steve has been longing for, for nearly fifteen years.
He can see the white of Danny's eyes, they are so wide, and he can detect a light shake in the other man’s hand. But then, his own hand isn't all that steady either.
And, with hysterics setting in, he wonders what a guy that has been part of an NHL team, is doing on Hawaii pointing a gun at a Navy SEAL.
And then, as if time didn't exist, he is 18 again.
Chapter I
1994
"C'mon Steve, we have to go. Jim will have gotten the car by now."
Steve McGarrett turns to nod to his roommate Mike, before he glances into the mirror again. It's good enough for a night out with the guys, he decides. Jeans, t-shirt and a sweater, because Mike insisted that he would need it at the stadium. Leaving their room, they lock up and head across the Annapolis campus.
It's 1994 and they're both in their second year, same as the friends they'll meet with.
It takes them a bit, but soon they can see Jim's beat up car, Curtis already in the front seat, waiting for them. They get in behind and then they’re off, to watch the first ice hockey game of Steve's life.
“So, who are we rooting for?"
It's an innocent question but the groans it gets Steve in response suggest otherwise.
Well, screw them. He’s never been to an ice hockey game before, hasn’t even watched one. How should he know?
Mike gives him an eye roll but replies: "The Capitals. Jesus, McGarrett, they're kind of our home team. And we certainly won't root for the Devils, is that clear?"
Shrugging, Steve shakes his head.
"Well, it's not as if I care either way. Why can't we go to a football game?"
"Because we want to further your education. And also because it's sad that you've never seen a freaking hockey game."
Jim, who's driving, briefly turns around and grins at Steve. "It’ll be fine, dude. You don't really need to know the rules to understand the game. We'll catch the game and then go and have a few drinks afterwards. And if we’re lucky, we'll get laid. I plan to enjoy this weekend to the fullest; god only knows when we'll all be off again at the same time."
It hadbeen difficult, Steve admits in his head. Mike, Jim, Jim's roommate Curtis and himself very seldom were granted weekend liberty at the same time.
That still doesn't explain why they have to spend their one free night in Landover. But Steve resigns himself to silence because any more questions and the guys would call it sulking. No way is he giving them this kind of ammunition to tease the shit out of him. He’d rather just endure a boring evening watching some stupid sport.
It takes them roughly half an hour to go to Landover, something Steve’s glad of, because four big men in Jim's small car is torture on everyone's knees.
Mike, sitting next to Steve in the back, leans forward to poke at Curtis and asks, "Your girl meeting us at the stadium?"
The man nods.
"Carol lives near it, so we decided that would be best. We can leave the car at her place afterwards and go our separate ways if we want. That way we have a fixed meeting place for tomorrow afternoon."
Through the mirror, Jim shares a dirty grin with Mike and Steve. There's no doubt where Curtis will spend the night. Steve himself isn't so sure though.
While Mike and Jim probably would have no trouble picking up girls, Steve isn't so confidant. Or rather, he isn't sure he wants to. Maybe he’ll go his own way after the hockey game, see if maybe he can pick up something more to his taste. Something with less curves and more hard planes.
**************************
Ten minutes later they pull into a parking space near the stadium and while Steve is used to the crowds that gather for football games -it's football after all- it's cool to see that the stadium should be filled to capacity this evening too.
He enjoys sports more when there's a good atmosphere going on, same as with a concert.
Carol is waiting for them near an entrance and gives them all a wave before attempting to suck off Curtis' face.
The other guys ignore them, shooting the shit for a bit before the couple detangles themselves and they all head in.
Steve's first though is 'It's cool.' Followed by 'Wow, ice.' because even if he's been gone from Hawaii a few years now, the novelty of seeing it will probably never disappear.
They find seats, grab some beer, something to eat… and then his friends, those fuckers, put him into a Capitals jersey, before pulling on their own. Even Carol is wearing one.
His cursing is ignored; instead Mike's elbow finds its way into his ribs.
"Stop your whining, McGarrett, and enjoy your beer instead."
He does as he's told, listens instead to the noise of the crowd but refuses to lose his scowl. On his other side, Jim is already flirting with a girl that came with a group of friends, and the way she keeps giggling indicates that she will accompany them after the game.
They arrived a bit early, just in case, and so it's an hour and a few beers later that the players head onto the ice to warm up.
Steve has to admit it looks cool, the way they are moving so effortlessly. He’d tried ice skating once, and all that falling on his ass had been enough to prevent him from ever trying again. That doesn't mean though that he can't admire it when it's done well.
And even if he's no one to judge, it's done very well.
The guys are skating circles around each other, shooting pucks towards their goaltender and if it weren't for the concentrated looks on their faces, it would look like some guys just fucking around.
Most of the players are tall and bulky, although Steve has no idea how much of that is the guys themselves and how much is the protective gear, but it certainly is impressive. Especially in comparison to some of the scrawnier guys.
It's one of the scrawnier guys that catches Steve's eye in the end.
Maybe it's because of the halo of blond hair that surrounds his head or the way he is talking to his teammates, moving his arms like windmills. He's in constant motion, vibrant, and Steve can't look away. Not even when he notices that the guy’s jersey doesn't match the ones of the team he was told to root for, the one he’s wearing right now.
He's a New Jersey Devil then.
When the game is about to start and the players put on their helmets, Steve nearly loses sight of the guy, because all the players kind of look the same now, but one last look… and yeah, name and number memorized.
Steve has never been the type of fan that obsesses, screams or god forbid squeals at the sight of a player he admires or likes.
Still, if he has to sit here and watch this game, he might as well ogle…Williams, 4… while he's at it.
The starting players line up, the anthem is sung and then the game starts. Or, more fitting, all hell breaks loose.
It’s brutal, it's fast, and it's fucking beautiful to watch. Despite himself, Steve is captivated.
He'll probably always be a football fan and lover, but this… is something else entirely. It is constant motion, speed and contact.
There are checks, some cleaner than others, and a kind of stick handling that Steve sometimes can't even see but still brings the puck into the possession of the other team.
Sometimes fights break out and instead of breaking them up immediately, the referees let them go on, giving the whole thing something of a Roman gladiator feel, with the crowds cheering while fists fly and blood flows.
At one time, Steve's pretty sure a player spits out a tooth.
Mike explains some of the rules to him while the game continues but most of the stuff goes over his head. What he does manage to remember is that Williams is - despite his rather small size - a defenseman. And he does an awesome job of it.
The guy is absolutely fearless, takes on guys a head taller than him and lays them flat if needed.
It’s obviously not his job to shoot the goals but to prevent them and protect his teammates.
And still, near the end of the first third, the guy manages to score. It's 1-0.
Before he knows it, Steve's on his feet and cheering. And just as fast, hands grab his shirt and pull him back down again.
"Jesus fuck, McGarrett, we can't take you anywhere. That was the Devils scoring, not the Capitals. If you want to suddenly show feelings, cry."
It doesn't bother Steve though. Instead he grins to himself, enjoying himself immensely.
Maybe it wasn’t so bad that the guys had dragged him along to this.
**************************
The second period is even faster. There's constant motion, constant attack on the Devils goal and Steve is not sure how their goaltender manages to keep that low crouched position for so long. His thigh muscles must be amazing.
Williams has his hands full, especially when one of the New Jersey team has to go outside for two minutes for tripping a guy.
Steve and his friends all lean forwards, though probably for different reasons. While his friends are holding their breath for a goal to even the score, Steve does the same to prevent that from happening. The next two minutes are nerve-wracking. The defense tries as best as they can but with a loud roar from the crowd in the stadium, the score evens out and Steve watches as Williams' line leaves the ice quickly but with lowered heads.
But it doesn't stop there. Two more goals fall and before Steve knows it, it's the end of the second period and it stands 1-3 for the Capitals.
Curtis and Carol go to grab them something more to drink, and Steve is left to kind of bite his nails.
"They can still win, right?" he asks Mike. "I mean, hockey looks like a really fast game, so they should manage in twenty more minutes?"
Mike stares at him and even Jim ignores his flame of the evening to look at him incredulously.
"You do remember that I said we're cheering for the Capitals, right? The team that's currently leading?"
Steve nods and for a second Jim looks placated, but then he adds: "But I like the New Jersey team better. So? Can they?"
He gets two hits from his friends before Mike just looks resigned and laughs at him.
"At least you're passionate about something besides your studies and training for once. Yeah, it's no problem. A lot can happen in twenty minutes."
When Curtis and Carol come back, Jim naturally can't resist telling on Steve, and so he has to endure some more ribbing, but it's fine. They're his friends and he's actually enjoying himself. For tonight, he's just a regular guy watching sports with friends while drinking beer and if he's ogling a guy’s ass - an ass that's so heavily protected that he can't see anything really - then it's only his business. What he does do though, is loose the goddamn Capitals jersey he’s wearing. His loyalties definitely lie with New Jersey now.
Third period starts and Williams has turned into a fucking tank. He's hitting left and right and while he has to leave the game twice, it's pretty effective, Steve thinks.
New Jersey manages to score two more goals, and five minutes before the end of the regular time, its 3 -3.
Until it's not.
Because while the last seconds are ticking away, Williams manages to prevent the puck from going into the goal by kind of throwing himself literally in its way, passes it to a teammate while being on his belly and said teammate puts the puck into the enemy’s goal with a long shot. It's more luck than skill, but whatever, it counts, it's a fucking goal and Jesus fuck, New Jersey won! Steve's kind of jumping up and down, cheering while his friends pretend not to know him.
The game ends 4-3 for New Jersey and the crowd's mood is low. But it's not as bad as expected, mostly, as Jim explains to him, because it was a good, fair game.
They bring the car to Carol’s place before they decide to head out to one of the clubs Carol says is popular right now. It's six of them now, Jim as expected in the company of the girl he picked up during the game.
The club is…okay, Steve guesses. It's loud, there's dancing, and people. Lots and lots of people. Carol definitely wasn't lying when she said it was popular. The couples of their group are dancing already and Steve can see that Mike has his eyes on a group of women currently standing at the bar.
"Mike? Mike!"
Finally, his friend pulls away his eyes and turns his head.
"I'm going to head out and find something different, this isn't for me tonight."
He gets half a shrug as an answer because - thank god - they're not joined at the hip.
"Cool, man. You know where the car is, we'll meet there about 1600. Also remember, Carol said if you can't find somewhere else to sleep, you're welcome to crash on her couch."
He does remember indeed. It had been a really nice offer, especially considering that she probably wants to have Curtis for her own tonight. He doesn't plan to take her up on it, but it is always good to have options.
Leaving the club, he enjoys the night air for a second before starting to look around. Nothing else is in the immediate distance.
Trying to be quiet, he looks at the roads, left, right and straight ahead of himself and mumbles low under his breath: "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go, Eeny, meeny, miny, moe." And yes, right road it is.
For a short instance his chest hurts, thinking of Mary using that rhyme to decide which of the cookies their mom offered she'd take, but he quickly pushes that thought away. It has been a good night so far. No need to think thoughts that he knows will leave him feeling depressed.
He starts to head right when he hears a low chuckle behind himself that makes him stop in his tracks and turn around again.
And stare.
Because he’s pretty sure standing in front of him is Williams, 4. Out of gear and dressed in slacks and a dress shirt instead.
And damnit, he is gorgeous. The blond hair Steve had admired at the beginning of the game is still wet at the tips and curling slightly, probably from the postgame shower and his left cheek shows a slight discoloration, probably from one of the fights.
But the slacks cling in all the right places, same as the dress shirt and if Steve isn't careful he will drool instead of communicating like a normal human being.
So he pulls himself together, raises an eyebrow and simply asks, "What's so funny?"
The blue eyes of his counterpart - and Jesus, so blue, Hawaiian sky and water like - sparkle with mirth and the man chuckles again before answering, smile in his voice, "Sorry, I didn't want to eavesdrop but I was just passing you on my way inside when you started mumbling. You seriously just used a counting rhyme to decide where to go, didn't you?"
And Steve doesn't have an answer. Instead he blushes - fucking blushes - and as if that isn't bad enough, stutters.
Which should have been the point where the ground was nice enough to swallow him, but no such luck.
But low and behold, Williams doesn't seem to mind. Instead he freezes for a second before smiling in a way that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners and his whole boyish face lighten up.
Then he holds out his hand and says: "I'm Danny."
And Steve wants to say 'I know' only he doesn't, he hasn't, has only known his face since this evening, with a last name and a number on the jersey, and so he pulls himself together, shakes the offered hand and bravely answers, "I'm Steve, nice to meet you."
The handshake lasts longer than normal, but Steve doesn't mind. Danny has a good, tight grip and his hand is warm and strong. And so what if maybe Steve feels a spark or something when their skin touches?
But like all good things the handshake has to end before it becomes really awkward and so they release each other and Danny rocks back on his heels.
"Why are you leaving already? It's early and my friends said this club is 'in' at the moment. "Danny honestly looks curious.
"It's not bad. But too many people for me tonight. I was planning to go find a bar and grab a beer or something. Maybe with some music but definitely fewer people."
There is silence between them for a second before Danny seemingly nods to himself.
"You know what, I feel like less people too." And here he gives Steve a slow, lazy smile, and Jesus, is the guy flirting with him? "Would you mind if I tag along?"
And Steve can only shake his head, because his mind is still stuck on repeating 'did he, did he not' but no way in hell will he tell Danny no.
"Cool, awesome. Lemme tell my friends, and then we can be off. Wait here?"
"Yeah, I'll wait." And maybe the answer is more of a croak, but fuck, Danny has already turned towards the club and his slacks are doing things to his ass that should be illegal. And Steve had been right, even if he couldn't have been sure with the protective gear during the game, but that ass is fabulous. And he has to think of something else, because he is eighteen and it’s probably misconduct to the naval code to pop a boner while in public.
**************************
Neither has any idea of where they can go, so walking alongside each other, enjoying the night air, they just talk.
"So, what are you doing? College? I mean, how old are you?"
He glances up at Steve and Steve can't help the little spark of pleasure he feels about being a head taller than Danny. He likes it.
"I'm 18."
"Hey, same as me. I'm born August 23rd, 1976."
Steve stops in his tracks before staring at Danny.
"24th. Same month, same year."
And Danny just laughs, honestly delighted and fist bumps him.
"That’s a sign, buddy. C'mon, next bar we pass, I'll buy you a drink. Honestly, how fucking cool is that?"
And yeah, Steve has to admit, it is fucking cool. And weird. And who the hell cares what it's about when it makes Danny look so fucking vibrant.
Fifteen minutes later they finally manage to find a bar - clearly that counting rhyme was a shitty idea, by now they're nearly on the other side of town, but it brought him Danny, so whatever - and they enter.
It’s dim lighting, old wood and jukebox music. They both agree it's perfect, exactly what they wanted and so they settle into the corner of the bar and order two beers and just keep talking.
"So, like, what are you doing? I asked earlier already, but then I got stuck on our birthdays and I'm not always that good with keeping things in mind. My ma tells me I have a memory like a sieve but that's just unfair, you know? I just don't always have the attention span, or whatever. And sorry, I talk a lot. Just tell me to shut up if you need some breathing space or want to say something or whatever."
It makes Steve laugh into his beer, or rather choke on the swallow he has just taken because Danny seems to be everything he's not. And that's perfect, because there's nothing worse than two quiet people sitting at a table, not talking. It seems that won't be a problem tonight though.
"I don't mind, don't worry." And with a shy smile he admits, "I like listening to you, I'm not much for talking. So, I'm going to Annapolis. Second year."
Danny freezes for a moment, before giving Steve a guarded look.
"That's the Naval Academy, right?"
And maybe it's just Steve's imagination but he seems to build up a distance and no way is Steve letting that happen. Maybe it will get him punched or whatever, but if - if - Danny really was flirting with him, then he's not letting that be stopped by him being in the Navy.
So he carefully stretches out a leg and rubs against Danny's.
And Danny freezes. He gives Steve another look, calculating this time and Steve smiles in what he hopes is a reassuring way back at him and wonder of wonders, Danny relaxes.
"Do you like it?"
Steve has to think a moment but…
"All in all, yeah. I'm originally from Hawaii and I never really wanted to leave, but in the end this is fine. I want to become a SEAL, you know? And Annapolis is an important step on the way there."
"A SEAL, huh," Danny says and swirls his beer a bit.
Then he looks up and says, "I'm playing hockey." To which Steve can only answer, "I kind of know? I was at the game today."
Danny’s silent for a second before softly saying, "There's a ‘Don't Ask Don't Tell’ in hockey too, you know."
It is the closest admission to what they are doing here yet. And Steve totally understands.
"That's fine. We both have something to lose but neither of us will tell. Isn't it kind of perfect?"
And he means what he says. For once, he won't have to worry. And Danny seems to agree, because he resolutely takes another drink and then gives Steve another of his 1000W smiles.
"So, Steven. How did you like us kicking your ass?"
And all Steve can answer is a helpless: "It was my first hockey game. And I was rooting for you the whole evening."
It leads to an hour of Danny making fun of him and explaining the rules and it is the most fun ‘date’ Steve has had in a while.
Besotted, he watches as Danny moves toothpicks around to explain a power play setup that Steve has no chance of remembering because he is stuck watching those sparkling blue eyes.
"And then I go and do this."
One of the toothpicks moves but instead of going after the small paper ball that serves as a makeshift-puck, it goes and painfully pokes Steve's hand.
"Fuck, ouch. Why'd you do that?"
"'cause you're not listening to me."
Steve coughs and honestly tries to look sorry but he kind of fails and he ends up just grinning stupidly. "So, forget strategies. Explain to me how it is that you're only 18 and still starter up for a NHL game. You that good?"
It gets him a bright laugh.
"God, no. New Jersey got hit by a wave of injuries and I got called up to fill in for a few games. I mean, I'm doing my best, you know? Gotta show what I can do 'cause this could be my big chance. I'm a decent defence player but certainly not the next Gretzky or something."
"The next what?"
And honestly, Steve hadn't meant to be ignorant, but the way Danny looks at him, he might as well have asked if the Earth really is a ball.
So the next thirty minutes, Danny spends on educating Steve on the finer points of a still playing legend and it's kind of obvious that…
"You have a giant crush on that man!" Steve says with amazement.
And Danny just blushes but refuses to look away, muttering, "Everyone who likes hockey probably does."
But then he looks straight at Steve, leans over and whispers into his ear: "But at the moment, my eyes are only on you."
And that's it. The next step of the evening. It seems Danny is done talking. And Steve can work with that. He finishes his beer, licks his lips and then gives the blond a slow once over.
"So, how are we doing this? I obviously don't have a place here and I can't bring you on campus."
Laughing, Danny shakes his head.
"As if I could go there. I just have tonight and that’s only because we won. I'm sharing a hotel room, so that's a no-no too. Let's go grab a cheap room for tonight, hm?"
And that's it.
It's so fucking easy with Danny, and Steve is amazed, because normally, it's so hard to find guys to hook up with. He always has to be careful, has to think about where and when and who because it could cost him everything he has.
But this time, his partner has just as much to lose, if not more, and it's oddly relaxing. For once both parties concerned know what they want and it's just perfect. Steve is going to enjoy the hell out of this.
**************************
They do manage to find a cheap hotel and Danny asks Steve to get the room because "Chances are no one will recognize me, but I can't take that risk. So, please. Would you be so kind?"
And the man is right, it could happen, so Steve agrees and orders them a room for one night from a bored looking man.
Danny casually joins him a few minutes later only to shoot him a panicked look.
"Condoms. Shit, gimme the room number, and I'll be right back."
It's room number 13 and true to his word, Danny heads of again while Steve heads to their room.
It's a cheap room with flowery wallpaper that's slightly yellowed from age and old fashioned furniture that creaks when Steve tests it with his weight. The bathroom is small but the shower and toilet are clean as is the bed, even if its corners aren’t military folded like Steve's used to.
He takes off his shoes and sweater and gets comfortable on the bed, doing breathing exercises to keep calm and trying not to think about Danny maybe making a run for it instead of getting supplies.
But he shouldn't have worried, because just a few minutes later there is a knock on the door and when Steve opens it, Danny’s standing there.
The blond pushes past him, throws a brown paper bag on the bed and then, without ceremony, starts unbuttoning his dress shirt.
Which is Steve's cue to step in and stop his hands. No way is he letting them rush this.
Instead, he leans in and claims Danny's lips in the first kiss of the evening, one of many more he hopes.
It's slow and wet and perfect in the way that it isn't. Because they both want to lead, and their lips are clashing and teeth are knocking together and eventually they have to part because they're laughing so hard.
Foreheads pressed together, Steve grins down at Danny and then softly requests, "Let me?"
And it seems like an eternity, but eventually Danny gives a slight nod.
So they try kissing again and this time it’s just as perfect but more harmonized. Because Danny does let him. So Steve takes his time in exploring the blond’s mouth with his tongue and gently scraping and biting his lower lip with his teeth.
In theory, Steve could spend eternity just like this, but reality is that he’s over a head taller than Danny and his neck is starting to hurt.
So he slowly walks them backwards until they can stumble onto the bed.
Naturally, it creaks, just as Steve had known it would from his previous testing. Danny hadn’t though, and with a definite squeak he jumps a bit and looks startled, wide eyes searching around while Steve can’t help but laugh at him.
“Relax, Danny. It’s just the bed.”
He gets a glare, probably for the way he’s still chuckling.
“You could have warned me. You totally knew that…”
Steve doesn’t let him finish, instead he claims his mouth once again and swallows all of Danny’s words.
It’s a great kiss but they’re both 18 and in the end, it’s not enough.
Unsurprisingly, it’s Danny’s hands that start to wander first, slipping under Steve’s shirt and gently mapping his back. It feels good, the rough skin and the big, strong hands, sliding across his skin, caressing and exploring at the same time.
He wants to return the favour, do some exploring of his own, but Danny beneath him on his back is a big obstacle in the way of getting his hands under his shirt. So Steve tugs them both into a sitting position and with quick movements frees them both of their upper body clothing.
The gasp that escapes him upon the sight of Danny’s chest isn’t one of pleasure though.
Instead of the golden skin he’d expected to find, it’s a landscape of bruises, different colours blending into each other and suddenly Steve is afraid of touching Danny. This was supposed to be about pleasure.
“Danny, you should have said. I was fucking lying on you, didn’t it hurt?”
A finger to his lips silences him and then a gentle kiss is pressed to the corner of his mouth.
“Babe, calm down.”
The nickname startles him just as much as the gentle gesture does, and he can’t help but focus his gaze on Danny’s face and notice the gentle smile that’s gifted to him.
“They’re just bruises, I’m used to them. They look worse than they are, trust me. If you leave the one where I took the puck alone,” he indicates an especially dark one on the left side of his belly and Steve suddenly remembers how Danny had thrown himself in the course of the black piece of plastic to stop it, “then everything is okay. Got it?”
Steve nods, before running his fingers in a featherlike caress above the indicated place to memorize where not to touch. As for the rest, he’s still worried. But he also trusts Danny to speak up and so he gently lowers Danny back onto the mattress and dives right into the exploration of Danny’s chest.
Using his hands and mouth, he can’t help but be fascinated by Danny’s nipples.
The blond obviously likes having them played with and Steve loves the noises he can get Danny to make. He doesn’t quite understand, his own are not very sensitive, but he’s more than happy to see what noises he can get Danny to make.
They’re not porno-like, not even moans, but small huffs of air and near silent gasps.
Danny seems happy enough to let him have his way but when Steve starts dipping his tongue into his belly button and lets his fingers play over his fly, he’s suddenly pushed away.
Startled, he looks up, worried he’s done something wrong, but he can’t have, because Danny is lying there, surrounded by a halo of blond hair, red faced and breathing heavily. He wants to ask what’s up, but Danny beats him to it when he suddenly jumps into action and starts wriggling out of his trousers.
“Babe, I’m 18, and you’re not helping my non-existent teenage control. No way am I coming in my pants when I have no change of clothing here.”
And seconds after, he’s naked. Like, totally. There are more bruises on his legs, but there’s also a gorgeous cock standing proudly up and yeah, Steve can relate to Danny’s words.
He wastes no time losing his own jeans, only he gets tangled up with one leg and ends up falling rather gracelessly onto Danny, making the other man gasp for breath and laugh at the same time.
And it’s so ridiculous and unsexy, the way they’re giggling like kids while hard against each other’s belly, but it’s also fun and relaxed and Steve is so very glad that he met Danny tonight.
Eventually the laughter trails off and they lazily kiss instead. But as Danny said, they’re both 18, so self-control isn’t really on the table.
They debate jerking each other off as a starter, but Danny puts it very practically in the end: “I can rub one out on my own. I wanna get fucked tonight, multiple times if possible.”
It makes Steve laugh again - he can’t remember the last time he laughed so much, not to mention when sex was ever this much fun - and he grabs the bag Danny has brought back.
Inside there are condoms and lube and Steve wastes no time in pouring the slick onto his fingers while Danny spreads his legs without any sign of shyness, before probing Danny’s hole.
He starts with one finger, probing gently before entering and on Danny’s demand soon adds a second one.
He spends some time scissoring them which is just as much for him as for Danny. The guy feels amazing inside and Steve can’t wait to enter him.
After the third finger, Danny insists he’s ready but Steve decides to tease him some more and instead goes for a fourth finger. It’s a tight fit but the way Danny gasps and clenches around them is nearly irresistible.
In the end he has to stop teasing though because suddenly there’s a hand on his balls, squeezing gently and a pleasant voice husks, “Now. Or I’ll rip these off.”
Danny’s eyes are blown wide and his smile is lazy and Steve is neither stupid enough nor able to resist the man anymore. He presses another open-mouthed kiss onto Danny’s shoulder and then starts looking for a condom. He finds one and Danny helpfully releases his balls to help putit on him but four hands are a bit much for one condom and by now lube is kind of everywhere and before they know it, the condom has shot across the room. Their startled gazes follow its flight and for a second there is no sound. Then the giggles start and they decide that Steve should probably sheath up alone.
There are still some chuckles until Steve finally slides into the blond hockey player and it does amazing things to his dick.
The height difference is perfect now because their mouths are kind of on the same height so it’s easy to kiss and thrust and soon they’re rocking into each other without much rhythm. It’s messy and without much skill and they both don’t last long. It’s fucking mind-blowing.
Chapter II
The next morning, it's surprisingly hard to part. They have only known each other for a few hours, two days if he's generous, but already Steve doesn't really want to let Danny go.
The blond is buttoning up his shirt and even though Steve wants to do that for him, he resists and instead slips into his jeans and tee, tying the sweater around his hips. After, he sits down on the bed they so thoroughly rumpled during the last few hours and just stares at the other man until he's finished dressing. Only then does he speak up.
"Danny?"
Blue eyes fasten on him immediately. "Yeah?"
"It's only noon. I have till 1600. Do you…have time to maybe grab something to eat with me?"
Danny’s fingers flutter for a moment before his hands still at his hips.
Everything is still and for a second Danny closes his eyes and Steve is sure he'll get a 'no' only he doesn't. Instead, he gets a soft, "Yes, I'd like that." It's barely more than a breath.
It surprises Steve and he can't manage to suppress his smile. He finds he doesn't want to. Instead he gets up and steps in front of Danny, leans down and shares his smile in a soft kiss.
"Then let's go. My treat."
"My my, Mr. McGarrett. Is this a date?"
And surprisingly, Steve finds that he wants it to be. It's backward and impossible and it won't, can't lead to anything, but for now he wants to pretend otherwise. Because he genuinely likes Danny. So he squeezes the other man’s hand and doesn't let go until they are at the door. And for a second he wishes it would be okay to keep that smaller but still strong hand in his, but he knows that it’s impossible, so regretfully he opens the door and lets go.
But he keeps close to Danny and while they are walking their hands keep kind of brushing and Steve finds that that's okay too. It's not perfect, but he learned early that things seldom are. He learned to take and enjoy what he could while he could.
And Danny is here right now. He won't regret things before he has to.
**************************
They go to a small diner and grab a late breakfast. Steve tries not to, but every once and again he looks at his watch and the seconds, minutes, hours they have left ticking down. At present it is 2 hours and 35 minutes.
Danny's hand settles on his just then and when looking up, Steve meets a serious gaze.
"Babe, stop looking, okay? Let's just enjoy our meal and the time we have together."
Reluctantly, Steve nods and squeezes Danny's fingers for a moment before detangling their hands and returning to his meal.
"What the fuck is this by the way? I'll never let you order for me again."
Affronted, Steve leans back and stares at both their plates.
"What? It's an egg white omelet. And whole-wheat bread. And milk."
Danny just stares at him as if he is from another planet.
"It's fucking disgusting, is what it is. I'm on a nutrition plan and while that is mostly disgusting too, it has never dropped to egg white omelets and toast without anything on it. And fucking milk! I'm not a kid, you know."
But he bravely soldiers on eating - probably because he has a pit instead of a stomach - Steve thinks darkly.
"You know, for a little guy who proclaims to not like what he has on his plate you're really fast with making it disappear."
It gets him a laugh and a wink.
"Just trying to swallow it as a whole so I don't have to taste it. You finished? If you want, we can take a walk. If you want to, that is. Otherwise we could just…say goodbye, I guess."
The teasing tone has disappeared as has the self-confidence Steve has grown used to seeing on Danny. Instead his words have turned hesitant and low.
As if there is a way Steve will say no to that offer.
"Yeah, let's go for a walk. You won't get into trouble?"
Danny smiles and shakes his head.
"Maybe a bit. But it's worth it. As long as I'm back in time to grab my bag before the team leaves, everything is cool."
And so they head to a nearby park, find a hidden bench and do something as disgusting as sitting close together, hands brushing between them like the shy teenagers they still kind of are, and talk.
Steve hasn't talked so much in years and that in itself is amazing. But even more amazing is how easy it is to just be silent and listen and enjoy Danny's rambling.
The guy could talk someone to death and he jumps from topic to topic, but it is relaxing and fun to listen. Danny is so fucking intelligent it’s nearly a shame that he decided to play a game that only cares about muscles when he clearly could have been so much more.
He says so to Danny, and for a second there is only silence.
"My dad said the same. He wanted me to be something more, and to not be dependent on a job that will toss me out if my joints aren’t working as they should. But ice hockey… it's what I fucking love man, you know? And in the end, my dad let me be. Even if he makes comments. I'm not a real part of the NHL yet so my pay is kind of shitty, but it's worth it to just be able to do what I love."
And Steve does understand. Maybe better than Danny thinks because…
"My dad is kind of the same? Though I think he's maybe proud of me wanting to become a SEAL? I don't know, we don't talk much."
Turning his head to look Steve in the eyes, Danny frowns.
"You don't?"
And here's when Steve normally changes topics but it's different with Danny. He has no idea why, but it is.
"My mom died a few years ago. And he just shipped me and my sister off. I don't… well. I haven't talked to him much since then."
The grip around his fingers tightens but all Danny says is: "That's harsh."
They continue to sit in silence, just enjoying the breeze and the sounds of the leaves rustling, but after some time it's Danny who's sighing and looking at his wristwatch.
"I think I have to get going in a bit."
It's nearly a reflex, the way Steve’s grip tightens around Danny’s fingers upon hearing the words.
Danny just does the same and whispers: "I know, babe. Don't want to go either."
His other hand moves restlessly, mussing his hair and he mumbles as if to himself: "This wasn't supposed to happen. I was planning on a quick fuck."
He's silent for a second, than he stands and turns to face Steve.
"Gimme your address," he demands.
It's all Steve can do to keep his chin from dropping in a rather stupid way.
"Give you my… Give you my what? My address? Why?"
A finger pokes his forehead.
"Obviously, so I can write to you. If I stay on this team - which I really, really hope I will - I might come to Landover more often. Or I could… I could just come to visit at times and you could maybe visit me? Or we could just write and keep in contact through letters. If you want to, that is."
And there it is again. Insecurity, something Danny never should be.
"Let's do that."
And so they exchange addresses and say goodbye with an awkward hug that’s still kind of nice, Danny heading back to his hotel to meet the team and Steve finally, nearly running late, making his way to Carol’s apartment.
There's a lot of teasing amongst his friends, because each of them has more than their share of hickeys above the collar but it's all good-natured.
They had a fucking amazing weekend, and if it will get to be more than a quick fuck for Steve? Well, it wasn't what he had expected, hadn't even been something he had known he wanted… but feeling the heavy weight of the slip of paper Danny had given him, he can't help but look forward to the letter which will be - if Danny is to be believed, and Steve has no reason not to - very soon on its way to him.
He's going to enjoy this journey, where he has no idea where it's headed. He likes Danny and he has a feeling that this thing between them could be something good. Whether friendship or more, Danny’s the kind of person that would be good to have in his life.
Chapter III
The idea with the letters was a good one on Danny's part. They aren't coming often but regularly and if Steve writes as much as Danny talks, well, the blond doesn't seem to mind and instead continues to rant with his pen as he does with his tongue.
Slowly but surely, Steve learns everything there is to know about the Williams family.
About the parents that are third generation immigrants, the younger brother who's a brat but still hangs on to Danny's shirt when he can and the three younger sisters who are all too beautiful for their own good and know it.
Steve's chest is aching when he reads about how Danny has to regularly beat up guys who don't know where to keep their hands, because this is something he should be doing for Mary.
Only he doesn't, can't really, because she's far away and doesn't really keep in contact with him.
And from what he can get from his aunt, she's already starting to be trouble and he tries not to think about how that just might be his fault because he's just not there.
He always tries to stop thinking like that, because, as Danny tells him quite clearly in one of his letters, ‘You are her brother, Steve. But you are not her dad. It should be him taking care of and looking out for her. Don't take on burdens that are not yours to bear.’
And he does try, but sometimes it's just hard. But then he’ll read one of Danny's letters and for a while he can forget about all the pressure being put on his shoulders by family and school.
He tries to write back as well as he can, but he's not sure if reading his letters helps Danny as much as it does him. He hopes it does.
Especially the one he writes after Danny tells him he's being sent down again to his former club, now that the injured players have recovered and returned.
He tries for the well known platitudes of "Don't give up." and "One day soon, you'll see."
He finishes up with, "I saw you play Danny, and I loved it. And if I can see how amazing you are on the ice, someone who really has no idea about this game, then other people will see it too, I'm sure of it."
He hopes it helps. Danny never talks about it afterwards, but after that letter he comes to Annapolis on a weekend Steve manages to get leave and they spend two days holed up in a hotel room.
It's perfect, even if it hurts like fuck when Danny has to leave again.
It's also when Steve starts to wonder when he went from liking the guy to slowly falling for him.
He had never thought it possible, being gay and such. What he had managed to learn about it had mostly to do with AIDS and HIV, followed by men playing bondage games and fucking everything they could. No one had bothered to tell him that love was possible between men. But maybe that was because he had never bothered to learn. If he was honest with himself, he had never known that he wanted that for himself, especially after he had seen what had happened to his dad after his mom had died.
But that was his dad and if Steve knows anything, he knows he’s not his father. And Steve is strong and he won't be intimidated by this. He will keep going and see if maybe falling for Danny can lead to being head over heels, fairytale-like in love. Because Danny, he has the feeling, is worth it.
**************************
It starts with Mike looking through his stuff. Because he's looking for something.
Only what he finds instead is Danny's last letter to Steve.
Steve has no idea why Mike doesn't put it down and reads it instead. He never bothers to ask.
Because when he returns and finds Mike sitting on his bed, that letter in his hands, he just freezes.
And when Mike looks at him and flatly asks, "You a faggot, McGarrett?“ he denies it. Without second thought, he denies everything that Danny already is to him.
He makes fun of the words Danny wrote to him, of the way he wrote about his feelings for Steve. Acts as if he's just too nice to crush Danny's hopes.
He feels like Saint Peter must have when denying his friend.
Mike joins in on making fun of Danny and while Steve laughs along with him, he feels sick like he never has before. He wants to puke.
Especially when Mike tells him: "You should stop this letter stuff, McGarrett. Someone else might not bother to ask and then you might be kicked out of here, if not worse. Stop this while you can."
Mike leaves then, and Steve wastes no time running to the bathroom. Where he pukes until nothing is left in his stomach. And even then he can't stop.
********************************
He doesn't reply to the letter he made fun of. He keeps it though, carefully locked away. The oddly few shy words that for the first time ever hinted of being in love. Of Danny being in love with Steve.
The letter after he tosses away right after being handed it, as he does the next ten. After that the letters stop. Danny doesn't though.
It's a few months later, after Steve hooked up with three different women to keep Mike from asking questions, that Danny turns up in person.
Steve has no idea how he manages to get onto the campus, but there he is.
Steve has just finished one of his classes, one he has with Mike and right when they step out of the building, he sees Danny.
The blond is leaning on crutches, and if Steve has to make an educated guess, he would say it's his knee that's injured.
If it weren't for Mike, or even if Steve were someone else, someone who's not a coward, he would run to the other man’s side, to find out what he can do to make it all better because Danny's mouth is pressed into a tight line, probably from pain, and his eyes look bruised and his body thinner than it did when they last saw each other.
But Mike is there. And Steve is a coward.
So he just walks by with Mike at his side and gives Danny barely more than a glance. Or rather, he tries.
Because in that one second where they are right next to each other, he sees that Danny kind of looks as if he might cry. The blond tries to reach out to him with a hand but can't finish the move because it would mean losing the support of the crutch. Steve wants to reach out and steady him when he sways a bit. But he doesn't. He also ignores the barley breathed, "Steve…"
And then the second is gone and he is past Danny.
Only he's not. Because that tiny bit of him, the part that had warmed in his chest when he had read that last letter of Danny's, refuses to leave Danny's side.
And the further he walks away from where Danny was, the more it pulls at his heart. Until it finally feels as if his heart is ripped apart. If nothing else, it shows him how foolish he was in thinking that what he was feeling for Danny was just a strong like, turning to love.
He had already been there. He still is.
And for the first time, he can kind of understand his father. Because he had thought the man weak for not being able to go on after Steve's mother had died.
Instead, he thinks, his father must be stronger than most. Because Steve? He just wants to crawl under his blanket and die. Because he made Danny look defeated. And he had denied him. But even worse than that, if that’s even possible, was that he had denied himself. And he isn't strong enough to change any of that.
******************************
After that, there are no more letters or visits.
Steve skips the articles about ice hockey, doesn't listen to talks about it or watch it on TV. He wants nothing to remind him of Danny.
But he hopes that Danny made it back to the NHL. Once, he hears in passing the words Williams and New Jersey Devils in one sentence and assumes that the blond got his wish granted. He can't help the bittersweet smile that glides across his face. He hopes Danny will get everything he ever dreamed of. And find someone who's worthy of the love the blond has to give. The love Steve kicked to the curb.
Chapter IV
Over the next few years there are a lot of women. They come in all shapes and sizes and before Steve knows it he has earned himself the nickname "Smooth Dog".
Only he doesn't feel smooth. Each woman is more chore than pleasure and he's glad when he finally starts training as a SEAL because he finally has a good excuse to stop doing one night stands under the pretence of focusing only on his training. As an added bonus he finally parts ways with Mike. Their friendship had never been the same after the letter and at times Steve felt as if each of his interactions was watched by Mike’s eagle eyes.
Needless to say, there are no guys after Danny.
But Steve being scared he'll have a repeat of what happened at Annapolis is only a small reason for that. The big truth is that he wants no one but Danny. Even after years without him, way longer than he had ever been with him, there is no other guy Steve wants to hold and be held by. And even if he cut their ties before what they had could fully develop, Steve will stay faithful to the one person he still loves above all others.
**************************
On his 32nd birthday, he's in another jungle with another shit-hit-the-fan situation. They're surrounded, probably outnumbered and Steve is not sure if they'll make it out. He thinks about meaningful words he should maybe say to his team but nothing comes to mind. Instead he thinks, as every year, of another person that turned 32 just yesterday and he faintly hears,"It’s a sign, buddy."
Instead it’s Walter, his second in command, that breaks the silence and startles him out of his thoughts.
"Just so you guys know. My friend Ben? He's my fiancé. And if we make it out of here, we’re gonna go to his hometown in fucking Canada and get married. And you fuckers better come or I'll kill you myself."
For a second Steve feels as if he’s hit by a bullet, but no, it's just that he forgot to breathe for a second. He prepares to defend Walter, say some words to turn it into a joke… but they are not needed. Because the whole team offers whispered congratulations and promises of being there in fucking Canada if they make it out of here and…they're all okay with it.
Three months later, he's best man at his friend's gay wedding who in a matter of a few days turned from a American soldier into a Canadian civilian, and Steve feels nothing but numb. Because it finally hits him that things have changed. He had kind of known, it was impossible not to… but they had changed.
And then the regret hits him. Because this - Walter and Ben - that could have been Danny and him. At 18, he didn’t know what he would do with himself if not being a part of the Navy. At 32, he admits to himself that he would give up being a SEAL without a second thought if only it would mean Danny in a shared apartment, waiting for him to come home in the evenings.
He makes it through the ceremony and the best man’s speech, which he managed to write, funny enough. Looking at the happy couple though, it’s hard to swallow the words of jealousy down. Afterwards he gets drunk enough that he doesn’t feel embarrassed when he pulls Walter onto the dance floor under the cheering of the team.
His parting words to Walter, before he and the team return to base to be sent into another combat situation are, “Never let him go”. His gift to them is a painting of the Lemniscate of Bernoulli.
A few hours later, when he checks his phone, there’s a simple message from Walter that reads,I’ll always listen if you want to talk.
2010
And now he's here, facing the only man, the only person not part of his family, that he loved - still loves - with all of his heart, both with guns in their hands.
He knows Danny hasn’t forgotten him because he can see the blond’s lips forming the silent word "Steve" before his mouth closes in a tight line and his finger tightens around the trigger, making Steve wonder if he will shoot. But then the finger relaxes again.
For a moment there's just silence but Steve can't help himself after a few more seconds. Which is just wrong. It used to be Danny that couldn't stand the silence. He lowers his weapon and stammers, "Danny… what are you doing here? I mean, with a weapon and just… Hawaii?"
Danny’s voice is cold when he answers, "I'm a cop, McGarrett. We tend to carry firearms. And if we're a part of the local police force, we're especially encouraged to do so."
He can't help the incredulity in his voice when he digs deeper.
"A cop? But you're a hockey player…"
It gets him the most awful laugh he has ever heard. It's hurt and bitter and burns him like acid. It's everything Danny's laugh never should have been.
"I haven't been a hockey player in years, McGarrett. Last time you saw me? I had already busted my knee in an irreparable way. There was no more hockey for me. So now I'm a fucking police officer and you better tell me what you are doing here or I'll drag your fucking ass back to the station."
There is only hate in Danny's voice. It hurts like nothing has in a very long time.
But Steve is not 18 anymore. He has grown braver over the years and this time, instead of fighting to stay hidden, he will fight to get back what he once had.
Because he had thought he’d lost Danny forever. Only now, Danny is here, right in front of him and there's no ring on his finger.
It's not much to go on, but it's enough, it’s something. If Steve’s honest with himself, not even a ring would be able to stop him from trying to make Danny his. He may win the man back or he might not, but he will try. He will fight with everything he has because Danny was worth it over fifteen years ago and a man like that doesn't change.
So he pulls out his cell phone and makes a call to the governor.
And later, when Danny has driven off as if the devil is on his heels, he also requests the blond as his partner.
Danny will hate him, but then he already does and Steve is not above fighting dirty. He has studied warfare for years.
Danny won't know what hit him.
Because Steve will crawl, and he will beg and he will follow Danny from now on wherever he goes. He will tell him the truth and how sorry he is, how he always regretted, even when he was too weak to change things. How he regrets not being there when Danny had to give up the sport he loved. And god, doesn’t that just make his heart bleed?
He can still see Danny, so many years ago now, standing with his crutches all alone on campus, helpless, unable to reach out but still trying to. He must have hurt so bad then, physically and emotionally, his dreams just recently fallen apart, but he had still come after Steve. And Steve had left him standing alone, had walked away.
But never again, from now on he will always be there because there is nothing that will keep him away. He will take every breadcrumb Danny might throw him. And if he really lost his chance at being allowed to love Danny, than he will try his fucking best at being his friend. Because being anything to Danny would be better than what he is right now to the man. Less than nothing.
~End~