I suppose that my disgust at using LJ as a easy way to get cheap sympathy kicked in. I am not seeking cheap sympathy, I genuinely do not know how to healtily handle the emotions that the situation is throwing up.
It's my sister.
She fell unexplainably ill last autumn, wiht rather severe anemia. She had only 50% chances survival on the operating table in November when they removed her spleen - they didn't know why, but if they hadn't done it it would already have been a moot point. It took two months from the op for the diagnosis to come back, it turned out that is a incredibly rare form of cancer - only 61 documented cases in medical literature ever. They started chemotherapy in February, did four cycles, did a run of test to see how it was working. It isn't. The docs haven't got a set and experimented back up plan because of the rarity of the type of cancer. They are trying something totally experimental out, started today. They came out and said that it's the last attempt. I surmised it is because they are runnign against time - they found further spread last Friday.
My parents are alone (literally, there's no other family) out there trying to cope with all of this, a whole load of unresolved family conflict polluting the atmosphere and the relations with my sis. And I've just been faced with an enourmous ammount of resistance at the idea that I might go to Italy to offer support.
The worse thing to have to deal with during such a difficult time can be family conflict. When my uncle died there was a big nasty rivalry going on between his sister and his wife. The atmosphere was very tense, and it made it difficult for him. I found that harder to deal with than the illness and death. The only possible way I could help matters was by staying away, but that meant I didn't get to see him for 3 years before he died. For my mum, it was the opposite. She can be so oblivious to the conflict around her that she was one of few people who could get him to relax. The worse thing was that my dad was not welcome at his brother's bedside, even though my uncle clearly wanted him there. His wife took steps to keep my dad out, or at least supervised every visit.
I think you need to think carefully through what you want to go there for. There will be a lot of reasons and a lot of emotions. If your gut instinct is to be there, you may be right. If you've thought it through carefully it may be easier for you to face that resistance.
I wish I could lend you courage and emotional support. Mine and Peter's prayers are with you.
Thinking of resistance to visiting reminds me of my mother's reaction to the end of my grandmother's life. She was the wife of a farmer in North East Scotland, she was born in 1900 and seen a lot of changes throughout her life. She had known good times and bad, when you're in agriculture living by the whim of nature is an uncertain experience. I knew her as warm, kind and understanding, I understand that her later years had mellowed her.
Everyone else in the wider family had seen her in hospital except me. I offered on a number of occasions to go up and see her but my mother dissuaded me each time. I think my mother wanted that image of vitality and home to remain in me and not fade. I could see it in her eyes that her perception of her mother was changing and if I could be a witness to the past, the holder of a memory of vitality and friendliness then that would be a fitting tribute to a treasured life.
Thank you for all your thoughts on the matter, they are much appreciated and they are helping me think things through, so if that's ok with you please keep them coming.
The difficult bit is that conflict is around me and the various parties are indirectly trying to manipulate me to take sides, which I absolutely do not want to do. I am not oblivious to the conflict but I am trying to stay above it whilst being in the midst of it, if it makes sense.
I do not think that I am facing resistance to go there in order to preserve a lively image of my sister - I only saw her last month when I was last in Italy, and believe me, she wasn't her usual self in any way. Unfortunately I perceive it to be uglier than that: it's selfishly about being right, or at least not being to blame, whilst at the same time trying at all costs to rationalize and find a reason there where a reason is not to be humanly known.
I do believe that I should carefully examine my motives - they are bound to be ambivalent, but if at least I can be aware of that I can take steps to minimise the impact. I am also hoping that out of this careful examination (and a lot of prayer) the morally right as well as the more loving (towards all in the family, including myself) course of action will become clearer.
And thankyou for your prayers, they are much appreciated too.
I suppose that my disgust at using LJ as a easy way to get cheap sympathy kicked in. I am not seeking cheap sympathy, I genuinely do not know how to healtily handle the emotions that the situation is throwing up.
It's my sister.
She fell unexplainably ill last autumn, wiht rather severe anemia. She had only 50% chances survival on the operating table in November when they removed her spleen - they didn't know why, but if they hadn't done it it would already have been a moot point. It took two months from the op for the diagnosis to come back, it turned out that is a incredibly rare form of cancer - only 61 documented cases in medical literature ever. They started chemotherapy in February, did four cycles, did a run of test to see how it was working. It isn't. The docs haven't got a set and experimented back up plan because of the rarity of the type of cancer. They are trying something totally experimental out, started today. They came out and said that it's the last attempt. I surmised it is because they are runnign against time - they found further spread last Friday.
My parents are alone (literally, there's no other family) out there trying to cope with all of this, a whole load of unresolved family conflict polluting the atmosphere and the relations with my sis. And I've just been faced with an enourmous ammount of resistance at the idea that I might go to Italy to offer support.
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I think you need to think carefully through what you want to go there for. There will be a lot of reasons and a lot of emotions. If your gut instinct is to be there, you may be right. If you've thought it through carefully it may be easier for you to face that resistance.
I wish I could lend you courage and emotional support. Mine and Peter's prayers are with you.
Reply
Thinking of resistance to visiting reminds me of my mother's reaction to the end of my grandmother's life. She was the wife of a farmer in North East Scotland, she was born in 1900 and seen a lot of changes throughout her life. She had known good times and bad, when you're in agriculture living by the whim of nature is an uncertain experience. I knew her as warm, kind and understanding, I understand that her later years had mellowed her.
Everyone else in the wider family had seen her in hospital except me. I offered on a number of occasions to go up and see her but my mother dissuaded me each time. I think my mother wanted that image of vitality and home to remain in me and not fade. I could see it in her eyes that her perception of her mother was changing and if I could be a witness to the past, the holder of a memory of vitality and friendliness then that would be a fitting tribute to a treasured life.
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But my thoughts are with you and your family at this time.
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The difficult bit is that conflict is around me and the various parties are indirectly trying to manipulate me to take sides, which I absolutely do not want to do. I am not oblivious to the conflict but I am trying to stay above it whilst being in the midst of it, if it makes sense.
I do not think that I am facing resistance to go there in order to preserve a lively image of my sister - I only saw her last month when I was last in Italy, and believe me, she wasn't her usual self in any way. Unfortunately I perceive it to be uglier than that: it's selfishly about being right, or at least not being to blame, whilst at the same time trying at all costs to rationalize and find a reason there where a reason is not to be humanly known.
I do believe that I should carefully examine my motives - they are bound to be ambivalent, but if at least I can be aware of that I can take steps to minimise the impact. I am also hoping that out of this careful examination (and a lot of prayer) the morally right as well as the more loving (towards all in the family, including myself) course of action will become clearer.
And thankyou for your prayers, they are much appreciated too.
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