Where do we go from here?
I'm still trying to puzzle all this out, and I'm worried about not knowing where I'll be in six months. Please don't attack me or try to persuade me one way or the other, because this whole thing is hard enough as it is.
My two-year commitment here ends at the end of August. My boss has offered, pending grant approval, to keep me on for another year, but I don't want to stay in Albany another year. I don't want to spend another year doing immunology. But it *is* a good job, and he *is* a good boss, and maybe if we moved out of Albany proper it wouldn't be so bad. But I'm kind of inclined to view staying in Albany as giving up, you know? And anyway, it isn't just me to be considered.
So I guess I should lay that out. The goal here is to live with Mya and Brixton and Tyler. The necessity is for me to be able to get a good job as a research tech in a lab. It would be a step backwards to take a job as just a lab tech (processing samples vs. running experiments); it would be a step backwards to take a job in immunology or another field that doesn't interest me.
To clarify, "fields that interest me," in decreasing order: reproductive bio, astrobio (phylogenetics of archaea/protists is most likely, but other bio-astrobio would be welcome), developmental bio, plant phylogenetics, other plant bio.
It would be a giant leap backwards to take a non-science job. It would be worth staying in Albany if it was the choice between that and any job that doesn't require a degree.
Ok. So now that we've discussed my needs, let's discuss those of my cohort. Brixton and Tyler are pretty easygoing. Mya, who has only just escaped the gravitational pull of the midwest, doesn't want to move back there until she's been gone for 5 years. Brixton and Tyler are one the fence regarding the midwest (would be nice to live somewhere where we know people, the twin cities are a nice place to live, brixton hasn't been back for going on 7 years, tyler's never lived anywhere but the east coast, but what if going back to MN means getting stuck there?). Mya wants to try the Pacific Northwest or California or Alaska or some other adventure. Brixton and Tyler are, as far as I can tell, pretty much game for anything.
I was very much inclined to move back to MN, but since visiting in February I've practically done a 180. I'm realizing that the things I'd been missing aren't all that important to me, anymore. Moving back to MN isn't going to get my parents to pay more attention to me- even when I was in high school and still living with them, I rarely saw them. I'm not really missing out on the events of a group of friends with whom I'm not really that close. It wouldn't solve any money problems- it would probably make more, since the Cities are one of the biggest cities we're considering.
The things I miss most about MN are my aunt and uncle, canoeing with said uncle, being able to go to my church (Groveland UU Fellowship), my cousin and her family, and Joe. These are irreplaceable, but I have to wonder how much moving back would increase those things in my life. I would certainly see my aunt and uncle more, but would I see Joe more? Meg? Would I make it to church? Would everything get rushed and pushed out of the daily cycle? Would seeing people lose its sense of urgency?
And if we go back to MN, would I ever be able to leave? MN scares me the most out of all our options, even more than staying in Albany, because it would be so *easy*.
But if we don't go back to MN, I can't keep living this half-life, going back all the time. I know all my family is there, but I'd like where I'm living to be home, and I'd like to be able to be *home* for holidays. There will come a year where I am too broke to go to MN for convergence. A year when I decide that going to the Renaissance Festival isn't worth it, even though it isn't just the place, it's the tradition. A year when something horrible happens or something wonderful happens, but I won't be there. Could I forgive myself if I had nieces or nephews and wasn't there when they were growing up? If someone I loved was in an accident and we hadn't talked in too long? Does my family know how much I love them?
Can they distinguish between how much I love them and where I've chosen to live?
Leaving the east coast is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I like the proximity to so many places. I like being so close to Smith. Moving away from there seems like a big loss, and also like I'm giving up on the relationships I have in the area. I've begun to forgive Kacie for how much her actions hurt me, but it is slow and hard. Then there is the issue of The Boy. I don't expect anything from it, but the hypocritical part of me says that I'll lose my chance by moving away. In some way, it's right. I can't visit even twice a year if I move away, much less have the option of visiting more if there was a reason to. Here in Albany, it's ok to be holding onto something that isn't extant, but leaving makes me feel like there's no option but to give up. I don't know that I'm ready to do that.
Anywhere I go there is the danger that I won't keep moving forward, but everyone I am says that there's a danger that'll never happen anyway. Any place I want to live (Saranac Lake, Northampton, even the Twin Cities), doesn't have jobs for me, much less for Mya and Brixton and Tyler. The places where there are jobs for me are not places I want to live. What the hell is my future, and where is it?
the hedge abides.
My two-year commitment here ends at the end of August. My boss has offered, pending grant approval, to keep me on for another year, but I don't want to stay in Albany another year. I don't want to spend another year doing immunology. But it *is* a good job, and he *is* a good boss, and maybe if we moved out of Albany proper it wouldn't be so bad. But I'm kind of inclined to view staying in Albany as giving up, you know? And anyway, it isn't just me to be considered.
So I guess I should lay that out. The goal here is to live with Mya and Brixton and Tyler. The necessity is for me to be able to get a good job as a research tech in a lab. It would be a step backwards to take a job as just a lab tech (processing samples vs. running experiments); it would be a step backwards to take a job in immunology or another field that doesn't interest me.
To clarify, "fields that interest me," in decreasing order: reproductive bio, astrobio (phylogenetics of archaea/protists is most likely, but other bio-astrobio would be welcome), developmental bio, plant phylogenetics, other plant bio.
It would be a giant leap backwards to take a non-science job. It would be worth staying in Albany if it was the choice between that and any job that doesn't require a degree.
Ok. So now that we've discussed my needs, let's discuss those of my cohort. Brixton and Tyler are pretty easygoing. Mya, who has only just escaped the gravitational pull of the midwest, doesn't want to move back there until she's been gone for 5 years. Brixton and Tyler are one the fence regarding the midwest (would be nice to live somewhere where we know people, the twin cities are a nice place to live, brixton hasn't been back for going on 7 years, tyler's never lived anywhere but the east coast, but what if going back to MN means getting stuck there?). Mya wants to try the Pacific Northwest or California or Alaska or some other adventure. Brixton and Tyler are, as far as I can tell, pretty much game for anything.
I was very much inclined to move back to MN, but since visiting in February I've practically done a 180. I'm realizing that the things I'd been missing aren't all that important to me, anymore. Moving back to MN isn't going to get my parents to pay more attention to me- even when I was in high school and still living with them, I rarely saw them. I'm not really missing out on the events of a group of friends with whom I'm not really that close. It wouldn't solve any money problems- it would probably make more, since the Cities are one of the biggest cities we're considering.
The things I miss most about MN are my aunt and uncle, canoeing with said uncle, being able to go to my church (Groveland UU Fellowship), my cousin and her family, and Joe. These are irreplaceable, but I have to wonder how much moving back would increase those things in my life. I would certainly see my aunt and uncle more, but would I see Joe more? Meg? Would I make it to church? Would everything get rushed and pushed out of the daily cycle? Would seeing people lose its sense of urgency?
And if we go back to MN, would I ever be able to leave? MN scares me the most out of all our options, even more than staying in Albany, because it would be so *easy*.
But if we don't go back to MN, I can't keep living this half-life, going back all the time. I know all my family is there, but I'd like where I'm living to be home, and I'd like to be able to be *home* for holidays. There will come a year where I am too broke to go to MN for convergence. A year when I decide that going to the Renaissance Festival isn't worth it, even though it isn't just the place, it's the tradition. A year when something horrible happens or something wonderful happens, but I won't be there. Could I forgive myself if I had nieces or nephews and wasn't there when they were growing up? If someone I loved was in an accident and we hadn't talked in too long? Does my family know how much I love them?
Can they distinguish between how much I love them and where I've chosen to live?
Leaving the east coast is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. I like the proximity to so many places. I like being so close to Smith. Moving away from there seems like a big loss, and also like I'm giving up on the relationships I have in the area. I've begun to forgive Kacie for how much her actions hurt me, but it is slow and hard. Then there is the issue of The Boy. I don't expect anything from it, but the hypocritical part of me says that I'll lose my chance by moving away. In some way, it's right. I can't visit even twice a year if I move away, much less have the option of visiting more if there was a reason to. Here in Albany, it's ok to be holding onto something that isn't extant, but leaving makes me feel like there's no option but to give up. I don't know that I'm ready to do that.
Anywhere I go there is the danger that I won't keep moving forward, but everyone I am says that there's a danger that'll never happen anyway. Any place I want to live (Saranac Lake, Northampton, even the Twin Cities), doesn't have jobs for me, much less for Mya and Brixton and Tyler. The places where there are jobs for me are not places I want to live. What the hell is my future, and where is it?
the hedge abides.