(no subject)
here's the problem (or the small part of the huger problem) -
people ask me about george, but they really don't want to hear how i'm doing. it's more a politeness thing; the ask and i answer, but if i try to actually tell them anything meaningful, they get all awkward and change the subject. but i do want to talk. i want to talk to someone, anyone, about how much i still hurt. i want to talk to someone who's really mine (sorry stephen and arran and people like that), someone who will listen and comfort and be a shoulder to cry on, someone who's been there for this whole mess and who will still be there when it's cleaned up, no matter how long that takes. i need alberto, but in california. i need erica or kellie, but in northern california. i need to be able to write again, let out the things that are trapped inside and find a way to sort them out so they stop eating away at me. i need a good cry, with a person who cares about me and won't care that i get all splotchy and incoherent. i need someone to hold me and tell me it will all be alright soon, someone to rub my back until i fall asleep, someone to be there in the morning to make sure it's okay.
it's been 73 days since i've seen him. it's so hard to believe that you can go from seeing someone as often as possible, talking at least once a day, planning all sorts of trips and events and shenanigans, to not seeing them or talking to them, or planning on seeing or talking to them, ever. we've exchanged a few emails, but that's all. nothing. i still can't believe it.
people ask me about george, but they really don't want to hear how i'm doing. it's more a politeness thing; the ask and i answer, but if i try to actually tell them anything meaningful, they get all awkward and change the subject. but i do want to talk. i want to talk to someone, anyone, about how much i still hurt. i want to talk to someone who's really mine (sorry stephen and arran and people like that), someone who will listen and comfort and be a shoulder to cry on, someone who's been there for this whole mess and who will still be there when it's cleaned up, no matter how long that takes. i need alberto, but in california. i need erica or kellie, but in northern california. i need to be able to write again, let out the things that are trapped inside and find a way to sort them out so they stop eating away at me. i need a good cry, with a person who cares about me and won't care that i get all splotchy and incoherent. i need someone to hold me and tell me it will all be alright soon, someone to rub my back until i fall asleep, someone to be there in the morning to make sure it's okay.
it's been 73 days since i've seen him. it's so hard to believe that you can go from seeing someone as often as possible, talking at least once a day, planning all sorts of trips and events and shenanigans, to not seeing them or talking to them, or planning on seeing or talking to them, ever. we've exchanged a few emails, but that's all. nothing. i still can't believe it.