(no subject)
I feel like I've spent the last two years being shown and told that I'm lazy, incompetent, and unattractive.
I'm not trying to make my ex (ex!) out to be a bad person, really.
Okay, maybe I am. I have few outlets in real life - I knew better than to date within my social circles? - where I can say anything negatively about her. It gets really frustrating. I can be messy, and when I'm depressed I know I can be unbearable, and there are times when I'd rather be on the computer than doing anything useful around the house... I can be selfish and self-centered and I had a hand in why things didn't work. But I have to be careful of what I say - that she's irrational, emotionally manipulative, controlling, etc - because they are all her friends. Most of them were never our friends, and that has been really hard to come to terms with.
Last Sunday night/Monday morning she woke me up at 1am to ask me about accuse me of indiscretion based on something she read in my email. What did she read in my email? A system generated message from okcupid from when I used to play on there while I was bored three to four years ago. If she had bothered to click through to my profile, she would have seen that my profile was empty, except for the part where my location was wrong and it said I was seeing someone.
I told her I didn't want to have a conversation at 1am on a work night (she doesn't work Mondays, so it was only a work night for me, but I had been in bed for a few hours at that point). She was up when I went to leave at 6am, so drove me to work so we could talk - she pushed me into breaking up with her, which I found morbidly amusing (one of my complaints has been lack of agency, and well...) and we didn't talk again until Tuesday night. I stayed there all last week, until Sunday afternoon, and tried to get my things out that weekend. I'm going to have to go back next week and go through the common areas, and I am not looking forward to that. She has been complaining that I'm being non-communicative and avoidant, but it has just now been one week. I don't really know what she expected.
I'm so relieved. I've been being reminded of things and keep asking myself why I stayed as long as I did to begin with. This has been incredibly hard and it keeps feeling like the world is ending, but I am so glad not to be there anymore.
I just wish I weren't the "bad guy" as far as all "our" friends are concerned.
I'm not trying to make my ex (ex!) out to be a bad person, really.
Okay, maybe I am. I have few outlets in real life - I knew better than to date within my social circles? - where I can say anything negatively about her. It gets really frustrating. I can be messy, and when I'm depressed I know I can be unbearable, and there are times when I'd rather be on the computer than doing anything useful around the house... I can be selfish and self-centered and I had a hand in why things didn't work. But I have to be careful of what I say - that she's irrational, emotionally manipulative, controlling, etc - because they are all her friends. Most of them were never our friends, and that has been really hard to come to terms with.
Last Sunday night/Monday morning she woke me up at 1am to ask me about accuse me of indiscretion based on something she read in my email. What did she read in my email? A system generated message from okcupid from when I used to play on there while I was bored three to four years ago. If she had bothered to click through to my profile, she would have seen that my profile was empty, except for the part where my location was wrong and it said I was seeing someone.
I told her I didn't want to have a conversation at 1am on a work night (she doesn't work Mondays, so it was only a work night for me, but I had been in bed for a few hours at that point). She was up when I went to leave at 6am, so drove me to work so we could talk - she pushed me into breaking up with her, which I found morbidly amusing (one of my complaints has been lack of agency, and well...) and we didn't talk again until Tuesday night. I stayed there all last week, until Sunday afternoon, and tried to get my things out that weekend. I'm going to have to go back next week and go through the common areas, and I am not looking forward to that. She has been complaining that I'm being non-communicative and avoidant, but it has just now been one week. I don't really know what she expected.
I'm so relieved. I've been being reminded of things and keep asking myself why I stayed as long as I did to begin with. This has been incredibly hard and it keeps feeling like the world is ending, but I am so glad not to be there anymore.
I just wish I weren't the "bad guy" as far as all "our" friends are concerned.