[I Hate It Here 01] The nerds are revolting
I Hate It Here
Spider Jerusalem
Ok, Gotham, I'm only going to ask you this once: what did you do to the nerds? What college chess team did you piss all over? There has to be some reason why the social outcasts have come up out of the basements of this city to rob our banks and homes in their best halloween costumes. Don't you say it's the bat, either. He's a fun little pajama wearing scapegoat, I know, but he's where this started. He was just the first one. And, to be honest, he's way less fucking annoying than this new brand of costumed asshole. Why are the 'Future Business Leaders' in this city out planting bombs instead of sitting home like good mathletes and inventing useful things for the rest of us like Windows, synthetic drugs, and Real Dolls? You've done something to them, Gotham, I know it. Fess up now and Uncle Spider will let you off with a warning.
I was trying to stay out of this, personally. I was trying, like a lot of you slack jawwed cattle, to just ignore it all and hope it goes away. That was, until one of these pencil dicks came and took a shit in my metaphorical back yard.
Listen up, fuckstain: DO NOT FUCK WITH MY MEDIUM.
You think no one could possibly understand the complex workings of your superior nerd brain, I know. You think that this will get back at all the girls in school who wouldn't fuck you and the guys who used your pimple-covered-encyclopedia of a skull for a toilet brush. Spidey understands you. I was in A/V club too (I never made a video or ran a class film, mind you, but I did my part by smoking in the supply closet and misappropriating equipment for the purpose of pornography). I too maintained my unwanted virginity into my twenties. I share your hatred of the simpleminded automatons we share this cess pool of a city with every day.
However, I am a wise Spider and, despite your naughty behavior, I will share this wisdom with you: Petty vandalism and the occasional explosive will not get you laid and the attention you're getting now will not be worth the attention your puckered virgin anus will be getting in prison.
Now, with my advanced brain meats, I can already hear your impotent, wailing nerd rage even before this article sees print. "But, Spider, it isn't about sex!" (your first big mistake) "It isn't about attention!" (a mammoth fucking lie or a pathetic delusion) "This is bigger than all of that!" (HAHAHAHAHA. Not is isn't. No you aren't. Shut up.)
You want to spit in the face of this city? You want to point out the failings and flaws of the primative lizard men who press against you on the subway? You want to shit down the throats of the weak minded and pathetic citizenry and scream the importance of your message in their dull-eyed, brain-dead faces? Here's a tip: Become a fucking journalist. But not in my city. This position's filled. And stop printing everything your dog tells you to in my paper. You might want attention, but you sure as shit don't want mine.