Birth stories & baby pics
JZ and Matilda. Babygirl's all squished and smushed and bruised and squinty as she's only about an hour and a half old there.
xpost from Bitches
Two last birth stories.
We got to the pushing stage. Dr. Shoo is with us. She's late thirties, asian woman, very no-nonsense. Delivered a lot of babies. She gives me my instructions. "I want you to count to ten slowly as the contraction peaks. She'll push on your count. Then take a breath and do another ten count. We'll do sets of three. Okay?"
Okay, I say, I'm ready!
We all stare expectantly at the contraction numbers on the monitor. One starts to build.
Dr. Shoo: Now.
Me: I'm going to count backwards. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-5-6-7-8...
At this point Dr. Shoo gives me a look. This is what the look says. "You fucking idiot. Your wife is giving birth to your child. She's been in labor for more than a day. She's in pain and exhausted. You have only one task at this point. Count. To. Ten. Something you knew how to do in kindergarten. Get your shit together, jackhole."
JZ was more verbal. "We're not counting in crazy melty land!"
After my fiasco in counting, though, my coaching was pretty good.
The other story is when JZ was getting her epidural. She's very needlephobic and the way she deals with it is by talking her way through it. So it usually sounds like, "Okay, and now they're putting the needle in. And I'm NOT running away. I am staying still. And...OW! Fuck that hurts. Fucking fuck fuck fuck! Motherfucking fuckheads!"
So, I try to warn the doctor beforehand. "Don't take it personally." But the doctor was cool and snarky, and talked right back to her and kept her distracted. Except she's very flinchy about the whole thing. And flinched when she got the preliminary lidocaine shot.
Me: It's very important that you're still when you get the epidural. You have to be completely still when he starts it. You can't pull away or jerk. You have to be calm.
JZ: Okay. He's starting the epidural now. And I'm just going to talk. I'm going to be a little chatter monkey. And chatter monkeys live in Indonesia and they have long silky purple fur. And... [her body is tensing up and I'm afraid she's going to jerk away again]
Me: Jacqueline! You have to focus. You have to be very still.
JZ: [glaring at me] ...and chatter monkeys will BITE the fingers off people who are too bossy. They will bite them right off.
xpost from Bitches
Two last birth stories.
We got to the pushing stage. Dr. Shoo is with us. She's late thirties, asian woman, very no-nonsense. Delivered a lot of babies. She gives me my instructions. "I want you to count to ten slowly as the contraction peaks. She'll push on your count. Then take a breath and do another ten count. We'll do sets of three. Okay?"
Okay, I say, I'm ready!
We all stare expectantly at the contraction numbers on the monitor. One starts to build.
Dr. Shoo: Now.
Me: I'm going to count backwards. 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-5-6-7-8...
At this point Dr. Shoo gives me a look. This is what the look says. "You fucking idiot. Your wife is giving birth to your child. She's been in labor for more than a day. She's in pain and exhausted. You have only one task at this point. Count. To. Ten. Something you knew how to do in kindergarten. Get your shit together, jackhole."
JZ was more verbal. "We're not counting in crazy melty land!"
After my fiasco in counting, though, my coaching was pretty good.
The other story is when JZ was getting her epidural. She's very needlephobic and the way she deals with it is by talking her way through it. So it usually sounds like, "Okay, and now they're putting the needle in. And I'm NOT running away. I am staying still. And...OW! Fuck that hurts. Fucking fuck fuck fuck! Motherfucking fuckheads!"
So, I try to warn the doctor beforehand. "Don't take it personally." But the doctor was cool and snarky, and talked right back to her and kept her distracted. Except she's very flinchy about the whole thing. And flinched when she got the preliminary lidocaine shot.
Me: It's very important that you're still when you get the epidural. You have to be completely still when he starts it. You can't pull away or jerk. You have to be calm.
JZ: Okay. He's starting the epidural now. And I'm just going to talk. I'm going to be a little chatter monkey. And chatter monkeys live in Indonesia and they have long silky purple fur. And... [her body is tensing up and I'm afraid she's going to jerk away again]
Me: Jacqueline! You have to focus. You have to be very still.
JZ: [glaring at me] ...and chatter monkeys will BITE the fingers off people who are too bossy. They will bite them right off.