Under the Sea 1/1 (Jonas Brothers, Actors)
Title: Under the Sea
Genre: Slash
Fandom: Jonas Brothers, Actors
Main Characters: Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas, Zac Efron, Nick Jonas (Kevin/Joe, Kevin/Zac, Joe/Nick)
Adult Content: Ish. ~R
Words: 3811
Chapter: 1/1
Ingredients: Incest, Crack, Merpeople
Summary: When Nick disappears on a family vacation, Kevin and Joe struggle to cope. Just when Kevin's reaching the breaking point, getting ready to close that chapter of his life, he meets someone who turns out to have all the answers.
Teaser: "You've been going to the beach a lot lately," Joe says, when Kevin tells him to behave. I think you're avoiding me, he doesn't add; just thinks it, then scolds himself. Kevin has every right to avoid him, try to break away a little. He wasn't ever supposed to be here, wasn't supposed to be the one spending his whole life taking care of Joe.
Notes: So a while back, th_esaurus posted this Kevron Zac-as-merman art for a prompt in the Kevronfest. And then, recently, she posted this Joick Nick-as-merman art. And thus I was inspired, and somehow adorable merboys turned into ANGST and SUFFERING and SACRIFICE. Anyway. MERBOYS.
When they lose their first record deal, the last thing Kevin expects is for Dad to take them on a beach vacation, but for once, Dad's constantly-turning businessman mind decided a break would be best for everyone. Nose back to the grindstone once they get home, he says, of course he says that, but for five days they're just gonna be a normal family on a normal vacation.
Their fourth night in the little bungalow Dad rented, Joe shakes Kevin awake with frantic, jerky movements.
"I can't find Nick," he says, the edge of panic in his voice enough to make Kevin sit up instead of sending him away, reminding him that Nick turned nocturnal weeks ago and he probably went for a walk. Which is still probably the most likely explanation, even if the paleness of Joe's face had Kevin a little nervous, too.
Nick's shoes are resting on the sand, pajama bottoms and t-shirt folded neatly next to them, just past the high tide marker. Dents in the soft sand give way to footprints where the sand's damp, firm enough to hold the shape, and those give way to...waves. The footprints stop, washed away by the lapping of saltwater against the sand, and there's nothing but ocean as far as Kevin can see. Joe's gripping his arm so tightly it hurts, hurts a lot, but his face is so ashen Kevin can't bring himself to make him let go; he just grits his teeth against the pain and watches the surface for any sign that their brother's just gone for a late-night swim.
- - - - - -
"You okay? You look pale," Joe says, even though Kevin always looks pale when they take the boat out. He can handle the ocean when his feet are firmly on land, but being in the middle of it always gets him looking like he's in the middle of a nightmare.
He never turns Joe down, though, when he says he's taking the boat out, leaves the unspoken invitation hanging; around the time he gave up on Nick, Kevin stopped letting Joe out of his sight unless it was absolutely necessary. That should bother Joe - it would have, once.
"Yeah. Find a job, today?"
"No," Joe says; didn't even look, just spent the day wandering the half-mile stretch of beach near the snack bar Kevin works at.
Kevin just nods, and - not for the first time, not for the last - there's a sharp twinge in Joe's stomach, and all he wants is for Kevin to reprimand him, tell him how fucking irresponsible he's being, so he can go bitch to Nick about how Kevin's an ass, who put him in charge anyway, so Nick can nod until Joe's ranted himself out and then tell him the same thing Kevin did.
This was supposed to get easier.
- - - - - -
There's a secluded spot about half a mile past the snack bar, if you turn left instead of right towards the public beach. It's secluded because the walk sucks, all loose rocks that are too hot and sharp for flip-flops to handle, when they're not treacherously slippery. Kevin's the only person around, apparently, who values his privacy enough to deal with it.
Or not, since he can see someone sitting on the outcropping of rock that extends out a little ways into the water, until it vanishes beneath the waves. Kevin's too scared to swim, doesn't even really like wading, but the rock's heavy and solid beneath him, lets him feel secure enough to get his lower half wet.
If he hadn't walked half a mile, if he wasn't sweaty and in bad need of a quick cool-down, he'd probably turn around. This is where he comes to be alone, and even one person is beyond what he can handle when he's in the mood to come here.
"Hi," he says, when he gets closer, lowers himself to the sun-hot surface of the smooth rock; the guy squints up at him, then slips off into the water, disappears underneath. Good, he's not in the mood for conversation.
Or...he is. His head breaks the surface near Kevin's legs, arms coming up to rest on the rock. "Hi."
"I didn't think anyone else knew about this place."
"Me neither," the guy says, flashes a brilliant-white smile at him, holds out a damp hand. "Zac."
"Kevin." Zac's skin is clammy, too cold; it's hard to get cold with the sun as intense as it is today, he must've been out here forever.
"You look..." Zac trails off, tilts his head, pushes up off the rock a little to look at Kevin more closely. "You look familiar."
"Um. Ok," Kevin says; Zac pushes up higher, leans a little closer, and okay, personal space, guy. Except, Zac has a really nice chest, and he's giving Kevin a pretty good view, so. "Um. I've lived here a couple years, you - I guess you might've seen me somewhere?"
Kevin isn't exactly that memorable, and Zac doesn't seem satisfied, but he says, "Yeah, that's probably it," and sinks back down into the water, gives Kevin his space.
- - - - - -
"You smell like fish," Joe says, waits for Kevin to say "so get the heck off me, then," to elbow him, start a wrestling match. There's got to be a point where Joe stops expecting Kevin to be Nick; maybe he's supposed to work for it instead of just waiting.
"I was at the beach," Kevin says, doesn't even make a token effort to dislodge Joe's arm from around his waist, Joe's chin from his shoulder.
"And what's stopping you from showering?"
"Uh, you ambushed me when I got in the door."
"Details," Joe says, into Kevin's neck, leans against him. "What's for dinner?"
"Whatever you order while I'm showering," Kevin says, waits for Joe to let go instead of trying to get away.
Joe orders a bottle of Diet Coke with their pizza; later that night, when he's aching, lonely and desperate, when he slides into Kevin's bed and kisses him, takes what he needs - or the closest thing to it he can get - he can pretend the familiarity of that taste in his mouth while he's eased open, wrung dry, is enough.
- - - - - -
"Why is it," Kevin starts, stretched out on his stomach on the rock, watching Zac swim, "I never saw you here for, like, two years, and all of a sudden you're around every time I come?"
Zac stops, treads water long enough he can shrug where Kevin can see. "I've been here a lot when you come. I just...hide."
Kevin glances around; all he sees is the small half-circle of white sand between the ocean and the wall of rock that hides this little pocket of beach, the outcropping he's lying on, the flat expanse of the ocean. As far as he can tell, there's nowhere to hide but the water, and he's usually out here for hours at a time. But then, he stumbled on this beach accidentally, you have to get close to know it's here, so maybe there's some spot only Zac knows about.
"But you always -" Zac swims right up to the edge of the rock; Kevin's starting to get used to his lack of respect for personal space. He's no worse than Joe, anyway. " - you always look so lonely."
"I come out here to be alone."
Zac nods. "Maybe. But you never look very happy about it."
"I - yeah. I...am, kind of. Lonely, I mean." Kevin says it quietly, like it's some kind of secret, like there'd be anyone to hear it even if he shouted; Zac's face goes serious, thoughtful, and Kevin's not nearly as surprised as he thinks maybe he should be when Zac surges forward and presses cold lips to his own.
- - - - - -
Joe tries not to bother Kevin at work too much; he knows when he goes wandering in to the snack bar, chin covered in stubble, skin bronzed with just a hint of pink from too much time spent doing nothing in the sun, Kevin'll drop what he's doing right off to get him a drink, something to eat, remind him there's aloe in the fridge.
But some days he just can't be alone, days when the apartment's too small but the world outside is too big, and Joe knows everything about what his relationship with Kevin has turned into is completely selfish, so what's one more thing?
Joe scarfs down a hot dog under Kevin's watchful eye, doesn't miss the glances Cindy - or is Cindy the twin who quit, and this is what's-her-face, the other one - and Ryan think they're being subtle about. Kevin tells him they're an endless source of gossip, the quiet one who's way too old to be working at a snack bar whose staff is otherwise entirely high-school-age, his sloppy brother who can't even manage to hold that much of a job, can't even take care of himself on a daily basis. When he catches Cindy's eye, he waves, smiles a little when she turns away too fast, embarrassed to be caught.
"You've been going to the beach a lot lately," Joe says, when Kevin tells him to behave. I think you're avoiding me, he doesn't add; just thinks it, then scolds himself. Kevin has every right to avoid him, try to break away a little. He wasn't ever supposed to be here, wasn't supposed to be the one spending his whole life taking care of Joe.
"It's been nice a lot, I guess. I dunno."
Joe just nods, gets up to throw his plate and half-empty cup away.
"Let's take the boat out tonight," Kevin says, and not for the first time Joe wonders if Kevin can read his mind.
- - - - - -
More often than not, the days Kevin wakes up naked next to Joe, muscles tired from one more failed attempt to overcome his desperation, finally satisfy him, he calls in sick to work. It's not entirely a lie; those mornings, those nights, leave his stomach twisted too much to eat, head such a mess he'd be useless behind the counter anyway.
Those days he escapes to his beach, spends the whole day baking in the sun, switching between thinking about what the Hell his life's turned into and trying his hardest not to think about that.
So for once, he's there when Zac shows up, when Zac comes...bobbing out of the water. Which - he must've swum over from the public beach, except - except, he's coming from the other direction. And the closest beach that way - there is no close beach that way, not for ten miles, at least.
When Zac gets close, Kevin can pin the exact moment he realizes Kevin's been watching him; he stops, suddenly, and his eyes go wide. Kevin can clearly see him mouth oh shit. For a second, Kevin thinks he's going to turn around, leave, but he takes a deep breath and swims up to the rock, up to Kevin.
"What...?"
Zac sighs, braces his hands on the rock and pulls himself out of the water. And beneath that lean, muscular chest, below the bellybutton he's never let come above the water before, Zac...Zac has a tail, a tail covered with blue, faintly shimmery scales, Zac. Has. A. Tail.
He pulls himself the rest of the way out of the water, sits on the rock, keeps the fin and a few inches of what looks like a really powerful tail floating in the seawater. It - the tail, Zac's tail - it's the same blue as his eyes, eyes that when Zac looks up at him aren't anywhere near as sure as they usually are.
"I - you - I - " Kevin closes his eyes, breathes in deep, opens them again. Tail still there. "I - made out with a mermaid?"
"Man," Zac says, and, "yeah. I - it's not like I could just tell you."
"Yeah. I - can I - " Kevin's hand hovers over his tail, and Zac nods, so Kevin brushes his hand over the sleek-looking scales. It feels...well, like a fish. Kevin doesn't know what he was expecting, but it's just...fish.
"I'm sorry," Zac says, rests his hand over Kevin's. At least this explains why his skin's never much warmer than the water, why he's always swimming when they talk, treading water next to the rock when they kiss.
"I thought - " Kevin closes his eyes again, talks himself out of what he was about to say, but Zac's fingers wind through his, squeeze a little, and it comes out anyway. "You were supposed to make me less lonely."
"I'm sorry," he says again. "I wanted to."
When Zac kisses him, slow and deep, Kevin doesn't know if it's supposed to be a goodbye, doesn't know if what it's meant to be even matters.
- - - - - -
"So, it's been really nice this week," Joe says, startles Kevin out of the daze he was in.
"Um. I guess," Kevin says, glances over to where Joe's watching him from the other side of the boat before turning his eyes back to the water.
"Just, you said that's why you were going to the beach so much, the weather. And it's, like, twice as nice out as it has been."
"Yeah," is all Kevin says, and when he looks over again Joe's frowning, something like fear in his eyes.
"Am I losing you, too?" he asks, so quiet Kevin can barely hear him over the waves. He sounds small, just as scared as his eyes look, and Kevin wants to say no, that's silly, of course not, but nothing comes out. Joe can't hold his eyes for very long, bites his lip and looks out at the water.
"We can't do this forever, Joe, we can't...be like this. We have to - do you wanna spend the rest of your life like this, really?"
"No," Joe says, still quiet, not looking at Kevin. "I just...no."
"I - maybe we should - "
"Kevin!" someone hollers, from out in the water, cuts off his suggestion to bring the boat back in. When he looks out, he can barely make out two heads bobbing between the waves, slowly coming closer.
"The fuck?" Joe asks, carefully makes his way over to Kevin's side. "This - who the fuck swims this far out?"
Mermaids. Mermen. Zac.
One of the heads stops, just before Kevin can make out anything more than dark hair around a pale face; Zac keeps swimming, right up to the edge of the boat.
"Hi," Kevin says, dumbly, Joe staring at him like he's crazy.
"I miss you," Zac says, so sincerely Kevin wants to just jump over the side of the boat and figure out a way to survive underwater.
"I - yeah. But we - "
Zac waves his hand, cuts Kevin off with just the gesture, grins up at him with that blinding smile. "I figured out why you look so familiar," he says, and...okay? Good for him. But he's going somewhere with this, reaches back and motions for the other swimmer to come closer.
It takes Kevin's brain a second to catch up with his eyes, to filter together that hair those eyes the nose that small mouth so much like Kevin's but set in a frown way more often than Kevin's ever has been. It's - fuck, this is not -
"Nick!" Joe shouts, stands up so fast he almost falls out of the boat.
- - - - - -
Joe can't keep his hands off Nick, either doesn't notice or doesn't care that Nick looks an unsettling mix of confused and uncomfortable when he looks from Joe to Kevin. Once Kevin found out about Zac, he kind of assumed the touchy-feely no-personal-space thing was, like, a merpeople thing, but Nick seems as bothered by too much touching as he ever was, probably more.
"That was a flirty thing, Captain Oblivious," Zac says, when Kevin mentions it. "And he - "
"Come on. Nicky. I haven't changed that much, stop looking like you don't know me," Joe says, cuts Zac off, elbows Nick a little.
"I don't know you."
Joe's face falls so much Kevin's struck by the overwhelming desire to knock Zac off the boat for doing this without warning, without explanation. The tail was bad enough - especially for Joe, who had to come to terms with "mermaids are real", "mermaids are talking to me", and "my brother's a merman" all at once - but the blank look on his face, that's just...that's too much.
"He was drowning," Zac says, cold hand warming up against Kevin's knee. "There were a bunch of us nearby, and he just - he got caught up in a riptide, wiped himself out fighting it. He...I dunno. We were so far out...it was bring him back to shore, leave...leave the body, he wasn't gonna make it, or...take him. But obviously if he remembered everything - I mean, what kind of life is that, to know you...to know, all the time, what you left, and what you can't have."
"What the fuck do you mean, can't have? If you could do this, you can undo it," Joe says, and for the first time since Zac started talking, Kevin looks over at him, takes in the hunch of his shoulders, fists clenched white-knuckle tight.
"We - there are rules," Zac says, eyeing Joe's fists the same way Kevin is. He doesn't know Joe well enough to know he won't risk falling into the water to attack him; Kevin doesn't bother to tell him.
"What rules? He's my fucking brother, you kidnapped my fucking brother, and there's rules?"
"I'll see what I can do," Zac says, nods to Nick; they let go of the side of the boat, slip into the water and away. Joe's face goes pale when Nick disappears, buries his head in his hands and shakes a little.
"I - he - "
"I know," Kevin says, carefully walks to the other side of the boat and wraps Joe up in his arms.
- - - - - -
Joe doesn't leave the apartment for three days; Kevin calls into work so much he probably doesn't have a job to go back to, spends all day every day waiting at his beach for Zac. Which - they didn't even make plans, what if he doesn't think to meet Kevin here, what if "see what I can do" was just an excuse and they're gone forever, really gone this time.
At least...at least this time they know where Nick is, know what's happened to him. Maybe the lack of closure was the only think keeping him and Joe so messed up.
Kevin doesn't even need to say that out loud to know it's a lie.
And then, near sunset on the third day, Zac finally shows up, with news.
- - - - - -
"It's not even a choice for you, is it?" Kevin asks, tries not to sound accusatory. Joe sits up on his elbows, looks down at Kevin, so much trouble swirling in his dark eyes Kevin has to look away.
"It's not that simple," Joe says, voice rough.
"I didn't say it was simple. But it's true - me or him, there's no contest."
Joe doesn't argue, not even a token resistance, just dips his head and kisses Kevin, lips tasting faintly of Diet Coke.
- - - - - -
The water's warm where it laps against Kevin's knees, only for an inch or so, cold where it envelops his feet. Joe's sitting cross-legged behind him, rubbing Kevin's shoulders, so silent without the contact Kevin wouldn't even know he was there.
"I love you," Joe says, when Zac's head pops above the surface, Nick just a few seconds behind him.
"You too."
"And I'm sorry."
Kevin turns his head, studies Joe's face; he doesn't know what's going to happen to his memories, since he's going willingly, but if he gets to remember anything, even one thing, Joe's face right now is near the top of the list. He already looks less broken, less hopeless, than at any point in the last two years.
"Ready?" Zac asks, helps Nick up onto the rock. He's gotten so big, not the skinny kid with the too-floppy curls Kevin's been missing, doesn't appear to be embarrassed about being naked at all. He takes the shorts Joe holds out to him, eyes Joe warily.
"When's he gonna remember me?" Joe asks; when Kevin looks back at him, his fingers are curling and uncurling, the desire to touch Nick like old times so heavy around him Kevin can almost see it.
"Soon. Couple hours, maybe. It's...probably gonna suck, for a while."
"Joe can handle it," Kevin says, like just a week ago Joe hadn't been the guy who needed reminders to bathe, change his clothes once in a while, eat regularly. Because he can, if he has to.
Joe bumps fists with him, and somehow that's ten times more intimate than a hug; Kevin's not entirely surprised to find himself blinking back tears.
Zac slides his hands up Kevin's calves, almost warm compared to the cold water, blue eyes all business when he looks at Kevin, rests his hands on Kevin's knees. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," Kevin says, "do it."
"You need to be in the water," Zac says, swims back a little, holds his hand out. Kevin hasn't been in water above his knees since - but he has to get used to it, obviously, so he takes a breath and slips off the rock, smiles a little when Zac catches him. "Hi."
"I'm sure about this," Kevin says, again. "But I'm...terrified."
Zac skims a hand over Kevin's belly, wraps it around his back, pulls him close. "It'll be fine," he says. "We just go out a little ways, and it's...you'll be fine."
"Kevin," Joe says, a little frantic, right as they turn to swim away, and Kevin spins around so fast he kicks Zac's tail under the water. "I - thank you."
"I'll visit," he says, which surprises him; Kevin doesn't make promises he doesn't keep, and he might not even know who Joe is by tomorrow.
"He will," Zac says. "I'll make him."
Joe nods, and Kevin smiles, tries for reassuring. He swims backwards, watches Joe, lets Zac guide him until Joe and Nick are just shapes on the horizon, melting into each other, and Zac tells him to take a breath, pulls him under.
Genre: Slash
Fandom: Jonas Brothers, Actors
Main Characters: Kevin Jonas, Joe Jonas, Zac Efron, Nick Jonas (Kevin/Joe, Kevin/Zac, Joe/Nick)
Adult Content: Ish. ~R
Words: 3811
Chapter: 1/1
Ingredients: Incest, Crack, Merpeople
Summary: When Nick disappears on a family vacation, Kevin and Joe struggle to cope. Just when Kevin's reaching the breaking point, getting ready to close that chapter of his life, he meets someone who turns out to have all the answers.
Teaser: "You've been going to the beach a lot lately," Joe says, when Kevin tells him to behave. I think you're avoiding me, he doesn't add; just thinks it, then scolds himself. Kevin has every right to avoid him, try to break away a little. He wasn't ever supposed to be here, wasn't supposed to be the one spending his whole life taking care of Joe.
Notes: So a while back, th_esaurus posted this Kevron Zac-as-merman art for a prompt in the Kevronfest. And then, recently, she posted this Joick Nick-as-merman art. And thus I was inspired, and somehow adorable merboys turned into ANGST and SUFFERING and SACRIFICE. Anyway. MERBOYS.
When they lose their first record deal, the last thing Kevin expects is for Dad to take them on a beach vacation, but for once, Dad's constantly-turning businessman mind decided a break would be best for everyone. Nose back to the grindstone once they get home, he says, of course he says that, but for five days they're just gonna be a normal family on a normal vacation.
Their fourth night in the little bungalow Dad rented, Joe shakes Kevin awake with frantic, jerky movements.
"I can't find Nick," he says, the edge of panic in his voice enough to make Kevin sit up instead of sending him away, reminding him that Nick turned nocturnal weeks ago and he probably went for a walk. Which is still probably the most likely explanation, even if the paleness of Joe's face had Kevin a little nervous, too.
Nick's shoes are resting on the sand, pajama bottoms and t-shirt folded neatly next to them, just past the high tide marker. Dents in the soft sand give way to footprints where the sand's damp, firm enough to hold the shape, and those give way to...waves. The footprints stop, washed away by the lapping of saltwater against the sand, and there's nothing but ocean as far as Kevin can see. Joe's gripping his arm so tightly it hurts, hurts a lot, but his face is so ashen Kevin can't bring himself to make him let go; he just grits his teeth against the pain and watches the surface for any sign that their brother's just gone for a late-night swim.
- - - - - -
"You okay? You look pale," Joe says, even though Kevin always looks pale when they take the boat out. He can handle the ocean when his feet are firmly on land, but being in the middle of it always gets him looking like he's in the middle of a nightmare.
He never turns Joe down, though, when he says he's taking the boat out, leaves the unspoken invitation hanging; around the time he gave up on Nick, Kevin stopped letting Joe out of his sight unless it was absolutely necessary. That should bother Joe - it would have, once.
"Yeah. Find a job, today?"
"No," Joe says; didn't even look, just spent the day wandering the half-mile stretch of beach near the snack bar Kevin works at.
Kevin just nods, and - not for the first time, not for the last - there's a sharp twinge in Joe's stomach, and all he wants is for Kevin to reprimand him, tell him how fucking irresponsible he's being, so he can go bitch to Nick about how Kevin's an ass, who put him in charge anyway, so Nick can nod until Joe's ranted himself out and then tell him the same thing Kevin did.
This was supposed to get easier.
- - - - - -
There's a secluded spot about half a mile past the snack bar, if you turn left instead of right towards the public beach. It's secluded because the walk sucks, all loose rocks that are too hot and sharp for flip-flops to handle, when they're not treacherously slippery. Kevin's the only person around, apparently, who values his privacy enough to deal with it.
Or not, since he can see someone sitting on the outcropping of rock that extends out a little ways into the water, until it vanishes beneath the waves. Kevin's too scared to swim, doesn't even really like wading, but the rock's heavy and solid beneath him, lets him feel secure enough to get his lower half wet.
If he hadn't walked half a mile, if he wasn't sweaty and in bad need of a quick cool-down, he'd probably turn around. This is where he comes to be alone, and even one person is beyond what he can handle when he's in the mood to come here.
"Hi," he says, when he gets closer, lowers himself to the sun-hot surface of the smooth rock; the guy squints up at him, then slips off into the water, disappears underneath. Good, he's not in the mood for conversation.
Or...he is. His head breaks the surface near Kevin's legs, arms coming up to rest on the rock. "Hi."
"I didn't think anyone else knew about this place."
"Me neither," the guy says, flashes a brilliant-white smile at him, holds out a damp hand. "Zac."
"Kevin." Zac's skin is clammy, too cold; it's hard to get cold with the sun as intense as it is today, he must've been out here forever.
"You look..." Zac trails off, tilts his head, pushes up off the rock a little to look at Kevin more closely. "You look familiar."
"Um. Ok," Kevin says; Zac pushes up higher, leans a little closer, and okay, personal space, guy. Except, Zac has a really nice chest, and he's giving Kevin a pretty good view, so. "Um. I've lived here a couple years, you - I guess you might've seen me somewhere?"
Kevin isn't exactly that memorable, and Zac doesn't seem satisfied, but he says, "Yeah, that's probably it," and sinks back down into the water, gives Kevin his space.
- - - - - -
"You smell like fish," Joe says, waits for Kevin to say "so get the heck off me, then," to elbow him, start a wrestling match. There's got to be a point where Joe stops expecting Kevin to be Nick; maybe he's supposed to work for it instead of just waiting.
"I was at the beach," Kevin says, doesn't even make a token effort to dislodge Joe's arm from around his waist, Joe's chin from his shoulder.
"And what's stopping you from showering?"
"Uh, you ambushed me when I got in the door."
"Details," Joe says, into Kevin's neck, leans against him. "What's for dinner?"
"Whatever you order while I'm showering," Kevin says, waits for Joe to let go instead of trying to get away.
Joe orders a bottle of Diet Coke with their pizza; later that night, when he's aching, lonely and desperate, when he slides into Kevin's bed and kisses him, takes what he needs - or the closest thing to it he can get - he can pretend the familiarity of that taste in his mouth while he's eased open, wrung dry, is enough.
- - - - - -
"Why is it," Kevin starts, stretched out on his stomach on the rock, watching Zac swim, "I never saw you here for, like, two years, and all of a sudden you're around every time I come?"
Zac stops, treads water long enough he can shrug where Kevin can see. "I've been here a lot when you come. I just...hide."
Kevin glances around; all he sees is the small half-circle of white sand between the ocean and the wall of rock that hides this little pocket of beach, the outcropping he's lying on, the flat expanse of the ocean. As far as he can tell, there's nowhere to hide but the water, and he's usually out here for hours at a time. But then, he stumbled on this beach accidentally, you have to get close to know it's here, so maybe there's some spot only Zac knows about.
"But you always -" Zac swims right up to the edge of the rock; Kevin's starting to get used to his lack of respect for personal space. He's no worse than Joe, anyway. " - you always look so lonely."
"I come out here to be alone."
Zac nods. "Maybe. But you never look very happy about it."
"I - yeah. I...am, kind of. Lonely, I mean." Kevin says it quietly, like it's some kind of secret, like there'd be anyone to hear it even if he shouted; Zac's face goes serious, thoughtful, and Kevin's not nearly as surprised as he thinks maybe he should be when Zac surges forward and presses cold lips to his own.
- - - - - -
Joe tries not to bother Kevin at work too much; he knows when he goes wandering in to the snack bar, chin covered in stubble, skin bronzed with just a hint of pink from too much time spent doing nothing in the sun, Kevin'll drop what he's doing right off to get him a drink, something to eat, remind him there's aloe in the fridge.
But some days he just can't be alone, days when the apartment's too small but the world outside is too big, and Joe knows everything about what his relationship with Kevin has turned into is completely selfish, so what's one more thing?
Joe scarfs down a hot dog under Kevin's watchful eye, doesn't miss the glances Cindy - or is Cindy the twin who quit, and this is what's-her-face, the other one - and Ryan think they're being subtle about. Kevin tells him they're an endless source of gossip, the quiet one who's way too old to be working at a snack bar whose staff is otherwise entirely high-school-age, his sloppy brother who can't even manage to hold that much of a job, can't even take care of himself on a daily basis. When he catches Cindy's eye, he waves, smiles a little when she turns away too fast, embarrassed to be caught.
"You've been going to the beach a lot lately," Joe says, when Kevin tells him to behave. I think you're avoiding me, he doesn't add; just thinks it, then scolds himself. Kevin has every right to avoid him, try to break away a little. He wasn't ever supposed to be here, wasn't supposed to be the one spending his whole life taking care of Joe.
"It's been nice a lot, I guess. I dunno."
Joe just nods, gets up to throw his plate and half-empty cup away.
"Let's take the boat out tonight," Kevin says, and not for the first time Joe wonders if Kevin can read his mind.
- - - - - -
More often than not, the days Kevin wakes up naked next to Joe, muscles tired from one more failed attempt to overcome his desperation, finally satisfy him, he calls in sick to work. It's not entirely a lie; those mornings, those nights, leave his stomach twisted too much to eat, head such a mess he'd be useless behind the counter anyway.
Those days he escapes to his beach, spends the whole day baking in the sun, switching between thinking about what the Hell his life's turned into and trying his hardest not to think about that.
So for once, he's there when Zac shows up, when Zac comes...bobbing out of the water. Which - he must've swum over from the public beach, except - except, he's coming from the other direction. And the closest beach that way - there is no close beach that way, not for ten miles, at least.
When Zac gets close, Kevin can pin the exact moment he realizes Kevin's been watching him; he stops, suddenly, and his eyes go wide. Kevin can clearly see him mouth oh shit. For a second, Kevin thinks he's going to turn around, leave, but he takes a deep breath and swims up to the rock, up to Kevin.
"What...?"
Zac sighs, braces his hands on the rock and pulls himself out of the water. And beneath that lean, muscular chest, below the bellybutton he's never let come above the water before, Zac...Zac has a tail, a tail covered with blue, faintly shimmery scales, Zac. Has. A. Tail.
He pulls himself the rest of the way out of the water, sits on the rock, keeps the fin and a few inches of what looks like a really powerful tail floating in the seawater. It - the tail, Zac's tail - it's the same blue as his eyes, eyes that when Zac looks up at him aren't anywhere near as sure as they usually are.
"I - you - I - " Kevin closes his eyes, breathes in deep, opens them again. Tail still there. "I - made out with a mermaid?"
"Man," Zac says, and, "yeah. I - it's not like I could just tell you."
"Yeah. I - can I - " Kevin's hand hovers over his tail, and Zac nods, so Kevin brushes his hand over the sleek-looking scales. It feels...well, like a fish. Kevin doesn't know what he was expecting, but it's just...fish.
"I'm sorry," Zac says, rests his hand over Kevin's. At least this explains why his skin's never much warmer than the water, why he's always swimming when they talk, treading water next to the rock when they kiss.
"I thought - " Kevin closes his eyes again, talks himself out of what he was about to say, but Zac's fingers wind through his, squeeze a little, and it comes out anyway. "You were supposed to make me less lonely."
"I'm sorry," he says again. "I wanted to."
When Zac kisses him, slow and deep, Kevin doesn't know if it's supposed to be a goodbye, doesn't know if what it's meant to be even matters.
- - - - - -
"So, it's been really nice this week," Joe says, startles Kevin out of the daze he was in.
"Um. I guess," Kevin says, glances over to where Joe's watching him from the other side of the boat before turning his eyes back to the water.
"Just, you said that's why you were going to the beach so much, the weather. And it's, like, twice as nice out as it has been."
"Yeah," is all Kevin says, and when he looks over again Joe's frowning, something like fear in his eyes.
"Am I losing you, too?" he asks, so quiet Kevin can barely hear him over the waves. He sounds small, just as scared as his eyes look, and Kevin wants to say no, that's silly, of course not, but nothing comes out. Joe can't hold his eyes for very long, bites his lip and looks out at the water.
"We can't do this forever, Joe, we can't...be like this. We have to - do you wanna spend the rest of your life like this, really?"
"No," Joe says, still quiet, not looking at Kevin. "I just...no."
"I - maybe we should - "
"Kevin!" someone hollers, from out in the water, cuts off his suggestion to bring the boat back in. When he looks out, he can barely make out two heads bobbing between the waves, slowly coming closer.
"The fuck?" Joe asks, carefully makes his way over to Kevin's side. "This - who the fuck swims this far out?"
Mermaids. Mermen. Zac.
One of the heads stops, just before Kevin can make out anything more than dark hair around a pale face; Zac keeps swimming, right up to the edge of the boat.
"Hi," Kevin says, dumbly, Joe staring at him like he's crazy.
"I miss you," Zac says, so sincerely Kevin wants to just jump over the side of the boat and figure out a way to survive underwater.
"I - yeah. But we - "
Zac waves his hand, cuts Kevin off with just the gesture, grins up at him with that blinding smile. "I figured out why you look so familiar," he says, and...okay? Good for him. But he's going somewhere with this, reaches back and motions for the other swimmer to come closer.
It takes Kevin's brain a second to catch up with his eyes, to filter together that hair those eyes the nose that small mouth so much like Kevin's but set in a frown way more often than Kevin's ever has been. It's - fuck, this is not -
"Nick!" Joe shouts, stands up so fast he almost falls out of the boat.
- - - - - -
Joe can't keep his hands off Nick, either doesn't notice or doesn't care that Nick looks an unsettling mix of confused and uncomfortable when he looks from Joe to Kevin. Once Kevin found out about Zac, he kind of assumed the touchy-feely no-personal-space thing was, like, a merpeople thing, but Nick seems as bothered by too much touching as he ever was, probably more.
"That was a flirty thing, Captain Oblivious," Zac says, when Kevin mentions it. "And he - "
"Come on. Nicky. I haven't changed that much, stop looking like you don't know me," Joe says, cuts Zac off, elbows Nick a little.
"I don't know you."
Joe's face falls so much Kevin's struck by the overwhelming desire to knock Zac off the boat for doing this without warning, without explanation. The tail was bad enough - especially for Joe, who had to come to terms with "mermaids are real", "mermaids are talking to me", and "my brother's a merman" all at once - but the blank look on his face, that's just...that's too much.
"He was drowning," Zac says, cold hand warming up against Kevin's knee. "There were a bunch of us nearby, and he just - he got caught up in a riptide, wiped himself out fighting it. He...I dunno. We were so far out...it was bring him back to shore, leave...leave the body, he wasn't gonna make it, or...take him. But obviously if he remembered everything - I mean, what kind of life is that, to know you...to know, all the time, what you left, and what you can't have."
"What the fuck do you mean, can't have? If you could do this, you can undo it," Joe says, and for the first time since Zac started talking, Kevin looks over at him, takes in the hunch of his shoulders, fists clenched white-knuckle tight.
"We - there are rules," Zac says, eyeing Joe's fists the same way Kevin is. He doesn't know Joe well enough to know he won't risk falling into the water to attack him; Kevin doesn't bother to tell him.
"What rules? He's my fucking brother, you kidnapped my fucking brother, and there's rules?"
"I'll see what I can do," Zac says, nods to Nick; they let go of the side of the boat, slip into the water and away. Joe's face goes pale when Nick disappears, buries his head in his hands and shakes a little.
"I - he - "
"I know," Kevin says, carefully walks to the other side of the boat and wraps Joe up in his arms.
- - - - - -
Joe doesn't leave the apartment for three days; Kevin calls into work so much he probably doesn't have a job to go back to, spends all day every day waiting at his beach for Zac. Which - they didn't even make plans, what if he doesn't think to meet Kevin here, what if "see what I can do" was just an excuse and they're gone forever, really gone this time.
At least...at least this time they know where Nick is, know what's happened to him. Maybe the lack of closure was the only think keeping him and Joe so messed up.
Kevin doesn't even need to say that out loud to know it's a lie.
And then, near sunset on the third day, Zac finally shows up, with news.
- - - - - -
"It's not even a choice for you, is it?" Kevin asks, tries not to sound accusatory. Joe sits up on his elbows, looks down at Kevin, so much trouble swirling in his dark eyes Kevin has to look away.
"It's not that simple," Joe says, voice rough.
"I didn't say it was simple. But it's true - me or him, there's no contest."
Joe doesn't argue, not even a token resistance, just dips his head and kisses Kevin, lips tasting faintly of Diet Coke.
- - - - - -
The water's warm where it laps against Kevin's knees, only for an inch or so, cold where it envelops his feet. Joe's sitting cross-legged behind him, rubbing Kevin's shoulders, so silent without the contact Kevin wouldn't even know he was there.
"I love you," Joe says, when Zac's head pops above the surface, Nick just a few seconds behind him.
"You too."
"And I'm sorry."
Kevin turns his head, studies Joe's face; he doesn't know what's going to happen to his memories, since he's going willingly, but if he gets to remember anything, even one thing, Joe's face right now is near the top of the list. He already looks less broken, less hopeless, than at any point in the last two years.
"Ready?" Zac asks, helps Nick up onto the rock. He's gotten so big, not the skinny kid with the too-floppy curls Kevin's been missing, doesn't appear to be embarrassed about being naked at all. He takes the shorts Joe holds out to him, eyes Joe warily.
"When's he gonna remember me?" Joe asks; when Kevin looks back at him, his fingers are curling and uncurling, the desire to touch Nick like old times so heavy around him Kevin can almost see it.
"Soon. Couple hours, maybe. It's...probably gonna suck, for a while."
"Joe can handle it," Kevin says, like just a week ago Joe hadn't been the guy who needed reminders to bathe, change his clothes once in a while, eat regularly. Because he can, if he has to.
Joe bumps fists with him, and somehow that's ten times more intimate than a hug; Kevin's not entirely surprised to find himself blinking back tears.
Zac slides his hands up Kevin's calves, almost warm compared to the cold water, blue eyes all business when he looks at Kevin, rests his hands on Kevin's knees. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," Kevin says, "do it."
"You need to be in the water," Zac says, swims back a little, holds his hand out. Kevin hasn't been in water above his knees since - but he has to get used to it, obviously, so he takes a breath and slips off the rock, smiles a little when Zac catches him. "Hi."
"I'm sure about this," Kevin says, again. "But I'm...terrified."
Zac skims a hand over Kevin's belly, wraps it around his back, pulls him close. "It'll be fine," he says. "We just go out a little ways, and it's...you'll be fine."
"Kevin," Joe says, a little frantic, right as they turn to swim away, and Kevin spins around so fast he kicks Zac's tail under the water. "I - thank you."
"I'll visit," he says, which surprises him; Kevin doesn't make promises he doesn't keep, and he might not even know who Joe is by tomorrow.
"He will," Zac says. "I'll make him."
Joe nods, and Kevin smiles, tries for reassuring. He swims backwards, watches Joe, lets Zac guide him until Joe and Nick are just shapes on the horizon, melting into each other, and Zac tells him to take a breath, pulls him under.