My thoughts--- I need your help.
I am driving him away with my paranoia. I worry too much. I need to start living out my advice. If I sacrifice my schooling and softball career, I put on the line a relationship that may or may not work (Lord willing it does). Or, I could make us wait, do the 4 year plan, stick it out w/ softball...the choice seems inevitable yet I don't know which way God is leading me.
My mom told my brother to tell me that trying to graduate in 3 years is a mistake, that I would regret it. He agrees. What do I do now? I am pursuing a quicker graduating day in hopes of starting my life sooner. I know who I want to be with, God has made it SO clear...but is it because I have no idea what I want to do with my own life that is making me scared? Why should I press on the gas when I don't know what direction I'm heading in. I have no idea what career I want, heck I don't even know if I've chosen the right major yet and here I am already thinking of my graduation/engagement life plan. I would put my life on the line for that boy. I have never felt so passionately about something. I know it's true and real, so many signs have pointed in his direction. God makes our minds at ease and puts them in sync...we are always at the same junction--- the sort of areas where if one person is thinking one way and the other the opposite, the relationship could end. God has positioned us to literally fall in each other's laps and do it with grace. He has given us grace and shown His mercy through our mistakes...ones we vow to never do again if it means we can stay together...
My heart is his. That is so scary to me. I've never done that. I've figured out why I don't trust easily. It comes down to my dad. I love my dad and I haven't been more sad when I'm around him. See, my daddy has Parkinson's. My dad is a hero to me, he is the most composed, gentle-hearted, self-sacrificing man I have ever met. I wouldn't have said that a year ago. But his Parkinsons has been decomposing him slowly. He now shakes all the time in his head,...before it was just his hands and he would walk really stiff. He can't drive without me and my mom getting car sick. He can't focus on the road and talks on his phone and is jittery and it makes me so nervous,...I'm scared. I will be a different person when my dad passes,...I only pray I have someone there for me b/c if I'm alone as far as a male figure in my life is concerned, I will be a lost girl. My brother doesn't really count seeing as he is more concerned about making money than the well-being of his own family. I respect my dad and the business he does and the calm he maintains in crisis situations. He can't be penetrated. Maybe that is why I don't trust. I don't trust myself. I can't around my dad. He is always right and all knowing,...Leslie's thoughts and actions just aren't quite up to snuff...
Let me go off here for a moment---- I had a pretty good softball season hitting. I lead the team in homeruns, I was 3rd highest in batting average under 2 seniors and yet I still only played half the games,...meaning it gave me a shorter amount of time to get those numbers high and keep them up there--- my mom tells me that when we have company and I'm not there he brags until the sun comes up about me; yet when I'm there and he takes me to a Cubs game, the line I never cease to hear about 10 times is "Did you see how he (fill in the blank)". Most of the time it has something to do with a players swing. See how he stayed back, see how he kept his head down, see how he extended his arms, see how he pivoted on his back foot, see how wide his stance starts off as....I've heard them all and I've heard them many times...Leslie as hard as she works and puts forth effort, just isn't quite what daddy's little girl should be.
I know that's not true. I'm lying to myself. My dad loves me and he is proud he loves me so much that he sat in front of me 4 months ago while I sobbed,...literally wept, and told me that he loved me and wanted what was best for me and that is why he was forcing me to go to Honey Rock. He was forcing me to take classes over the summer and counsel little kids for 3 1/2 months...no pay. He said he knew I would walk away loving it and I HATED him and was sooo bitter...but you know what? He was right. I loved Honey Rock, I loved the people, the feeling of community, the love I have for God now, the love and respect I have for others and nature in general and that badass feeling I have over my own skills in the outdoors. My dad was right and I didn't trust him.
I think my trust issue is because I've always been proven wrong. I'm used to being told that I'm in the wrong so why should I trust someone when it's easier to be in your own ignorance than to let someone else shine in their brilliance? I'm sorry Adam, I think that is why I hate it when you're always right and I'm always wrong. I hate that you're so damn smart and I'm so inferior to your intelligence. It makes me feel like you're with the wrong girl. It makes me want to give you a reality check sometimes when I think your head is too big. I love you so much and I love that you're always right,...as much as I hate it I love it.
Adam made an amazing point to me tonight-- I told him I was scared of putting all optimism in the future because that meant if something bad would happen I would get hurt, devastated, torn. But he said, "Leslie it's too late. We're both already there totally vulnerable. To shield your heart now would be foolish" (Or something along those lines) but he's totally right. At this point it's ridiculous to say, I am not going to give 100% b/c in a year from now I could have a broken heart. Well too late, I already love this guy with all I've got and I might as well put everything forward now rather than learn later that I was sitting here with my thumb up my butt for no reason....
Ugh I need help I think. I need some assistance in my thought process. Why am I afraid to trust? I don't think I've ever really been screwed over in a relationship as badly as he has. Maybe that's why. He's already experienced it and knows what it feels like. I have NO IDEA how it will feel. I'm afraid of the inevitable. That is why we have fears isn't it? The devil instills this impossible notion that we won't survive...when chances of survival outweight the chances of death/destruction. My mind is rambling and so are my words. The chances that someone has actually read this far is highly unlikely so I will desist. If you have spent your precious time pondering over my inner thoughts your input will be considered b/c how I see it....
I need all the help I can get.
My mom told my brother to tell me that trying to graduate in 3 years is a mistake, that I would regret it. He agrees. What do I do now? I am pursuing a quicker graduating day in hopes of starting my life sooner. I know who I want to be with, God has made it SO clear...but is it because I have no idea what I want to do with my own life that is making me scared? Why should I press on the gas when I don't know what direction I'm heading in. I have no idea what career I want, heck I don't even know if I've chosen the right major yet and here I am already thinking of my graduation/engagement life plan. I would put my life on the line for that boy. I have never felt so passionately about something. I know it's true and real, so many signs have pointed in his direction. God makes our minds at ease and puts them in sync...we are always at the same junction--- the sort of areas where if one person is thinking one way and the other the opposite, the relationship could end. God has positioned us to literally fall in each other's laps and do it with grace. He has given us grace and shown His mercy through our mistakes...ones we vow to never do again if it means we can stay together...
My heart is his. That is so scary to me. I've never done that. I've figured out why I don't trust easily. It comes down to my dad. I love my dad and I haven't been more sad when I'm around him. See, my daddy has Parkinson's. My dad is a hero to me, he is the most composed, gentle-hearted, self-sacrificing man I have ever met. I wouldn't have said that a year ago. But his Parkinsons has been decomposing him slowly. He now shakes all the time in his head,...before it was just his hands and he would walk really stiff. He can't drive without me and my mom getting car sick. He can't focus on the road and talks on his phone and is jittery and it makes me so nervous,...I'm scared. I will be a different person when my dad passes,...I only pray I have someone there for me b/c if I'm alone as far as a male figure in my life is concerned, I will be a lost girl. My brother doesn't really count seeing as he is more concerned about making money than the well-being of his own family. I respect my dad and the business he does and the calm he maintains in crisis situations. He can't be penetrated. Maybe that is why I don't trust. I don't trust myself. I can't around my dad. He is always right and all knowing,...Leslie's thoughts and actions just aren't quite up to snuff...
Let me go off here for a moment---- I had a pretty good softball season hitting. I lead the team in homeruns, I was 3rd highest in batting average under 2 seniors and yet I still only played half the games,...meaning it gave me a shorter amount of time to get those numbers high and keep them up there--- my mom tells me that when we have company and I'm not there he brags until the sun comes up about me; yet when I'm there and he takes me to a Cubs game, the line I never cease to hear about 10 times is "Did you see how he (fill in the blank)". Most of the time it has something to do with a players swing. See how he stayed back, see how he kept his head down, see how he extended his arms, see how he pivoted on his back foot, see how wide his stance starts off as....I've heard them all and I've heard them many times...Leslie as hard as she works and puts forth effort, just isn't quite what daddy's little girl should be.
I know that's not true. I'm lying to myself. My dad loves me and he is proud he loves me so much that he sat in front of me 4 months ago while I sobbed,...literally wept, and told me that he loved me and wanted what was best for me and that is why he was forcing me to go to Honey Rock. He was forcing me to take classes over the summer and counsel little kids for 3 1/2 months...no pay. He said he knew I would walk away loving it and I HATED him and was sooo bitter...but you know what? He was right. I loved Honey Rock, I loved the people, the feeling of community, the love I have for God now, the love and respect I have for others and nature in general and that badass feeling I have over my own skills in the outdoors. My dad was right and I didn't trust him.
I think my trust issue is because I've always been proven wrong. I'm used to being told that I'm in the wrong so why should I trust someone when it's easier to be in your own ignorance than to let someone else shine in their brilliance? I'm sorry Adam, I think that is why I hate it when you're always right and I'm always wrong. I hate that you're so damn smart and I'm so inferior to your intelligence. It makes me feel like you're with the wrong girl. It makes me want to give you a reality check sometimes when I think your head is too big. I love you so much and I love that you're always right,...as much as I hate it I love it.
Adam made an amazing point to me tonight-- I told him I was scared of putting all optimism in the future because that meant if something bad would happen I would get hurt, devastated, torn. But he said, "Leslie it's too late. We're both already there totally vulnerable. To shield your heart now would be foolish" (Or something along those lines) but he's totally right. At this point it's ridiculous to say, I am not going to give 100% b/c in a year from now I could have a broken heart. Well too late, I already love this guy with all I've got and I might as well put everything forward now rather than learn later that I was sitting here with my thumb up my butt for no reason....
Ugh I need help I think. I need some assistance in my thought process. Why am I afraid to trust? I don't think I've ever really been screwed over in a relationship as badly as he has. Maybe that's why. He's already experienced it and knows what it feels like. I have NO IDEA how it will feel. I'm afraid of the inevitable. That is why we have fears isn't it? The devil instills this impossible notion that we won't survive...when chances of survival outweight the chances of death/destruction. My mind is rambling and so are my words. The chances that someone has actually read this far is highly unlikely so I will desist. If you have spent your precious time pondering over my inner thoughts your input will be considered b/c how I see it....
I need all the help I can get.