(no subject)
i almost died today. numerous times.
i always wondered what thoughts go through a person's head should they ever be in a situation that questioned the fate of their existence.
i didn't know they'd be of him.
the first ones running through my mind we're naturally the ones of me going "i should have listened to my mother. i should have driven home tomorrow."
and then, right after, his face popped in my mind and i couldn't help but think "i never got to tell him i'm sorry for everything, like i wanted. i never got my absolution. i will die without knowing what happened."
and then ... nothing happened. i didn't die and somehow everything cleared up.
but the thing is, just because i didn't die right then and there didn't change the fact that the thought that popped through my mind was still true. and whether i die today, tomorrow or in ten years, that sentence will still probably be true. because i won't go tell him sorry. i won't go ask him the stupid things i need to ask him. none of it. but obviously i want to, as apparently during the last moments of my life, i thought about it.
but i didn't die. it was only an "almost" situation of death - i have my "second chance" - but i won't take it. i'm not going to take it. so i guess i really didn't learn anything in the near death experience. maybe i just learned that as much as i call him a coward for backing out, i'm one for not doing anything either.
i'm just so tired of knowing that he's the last one on my mind all the time, not just when i almost die. and it's sucks.
i always wondered what thoughts go through a person's head should they ever be in a situation that questioned the fate of their existence.
i didn't know they'd be of him.
the first ones running through my mind we're naturally the ones of me going "i should have listened to my mother. i should have driven home tomorrow."
and then, right after, his face popped in my mind and i couldn't help but think "i never got to tell him i'm sorry for everything, like i wanted. i never got my absolution. i will die without knowing what happened."
and then ... nothing happened. i didn't die and somehow everything cleared up.
but the thing is, just because i didn't die right then and there didn't change the fact that the thought that popped through my mind was still true. and whether i die today, tomorrow or in ten years, that sentence will still probably be true. because i won't go tell him sorry. i won't go ask him the stupid things i need to ask him. none of it. but obviously i want to, as apparently during the last moments of my life, i thought about it.
but i didn't die. it was only an "almost" situation of death - i have my "second chance" - but i won't take it. i'm not going to take it. so i guess i really didn't learn anything in the near death experience. maybe i just learned that as much as i call him a coward for backing out, i'm one for not doing anything either.
i'm just so tired of knowing that he's the last one on my mind all the time, not just when i almost die. and it's sucks.