(no subject)
When I was eight or nine I fell through a cell door. I wonder what that means for me? The cell door, the pathway into protection against the earths nasty blows,ironic. Cellars are cold,dark,miserable places. I felt so relieved when they pulled me out of the cellar. It was sunny outside and I guess what one would call a beautiful day. I often think when I've had a shitty day that how could I be depressed on such a beautiful day? Maybe the world is not so beautiful. I feel like everyone says exactly what the other person wants them to say. Even if it's not what they want to hear they are expecting it. Has anyone every really been honest about who they truly are? I'm not a hippie, that is my style. I am not gay, that is my orientation. I am .... I believe that other people would say that I'm insane. I am bi-polar. I don't believe that. I see things for what they truly are. I often want to wreck my car into something to experience death. It's not the wanting to die, but more along the lines of having that power. Controlling your own fate if you will. I feel like I lost all control the day I was raped, that there was nothing left, but darkness. Now, people look down upon be because I can't be with another man. I often see things, hear sounds that I know are not there. Last night I was asleep and I heard a gun shot. I didn't get up, or hind because I knew it wasn't really. So, I just tried to go back to sleep. Today as I was driving to my house I saw a truck and when I pulled into my driveway it wasn't there. My therapist says I need to be on medication. I like being this way though. Normal is so over rated they want you to be just like them to dress just like them because they are normal. What is so normal about going to church? You're worshiping something that isn't even real? If it is real and it is with you everywhere you go wouldn't it show everyday of your life? My parents go to that church then they come home and fight. Why are they they fighting I haven't a clue. You would think religion would bring people closer together, but it seems to me that it only tares people apart. I know, I know, I am the insane one, right. The sinner. They say people the sin live the easy life. That is so untrue.. I feel just as shitty as I did when I believe in god. One last thought. My principle told me the other day that her friend got off drugs once for six mouths and then started again. When she asked him why he replied that the world was too ugly without them. I can completely relate.