Can I be a better man, for me?

[hebrew_homie]

When I realize how little i love myself in times of hardship, I find it to be no mystery why I hurt the ones I love.  I find myself sitting here trying to make sense of it all.  Trying to justify the way I feel.  But the more I think, it just further drives the point across to me that I know very little.  Being a pessimist, for me at least, has only been a coping mechanism for how empty i really am.  And it has intern prevented me from being thank full and gracious for the good things that I have had. I realize that if I keep this outlook it will only serve to tear me down.  Also, it distances me from the ones I love.  I need to feel in my heart that even though things could get worse, worse than worse and even worse; but I can never forget that I don't have to get worse.  That sometimes the darkest periods in ones life are the greatest opportunity to grow and become greater than once originally thought.  One can chose to think the worst and prepare accordingly, but  however in matters of the heart(the ones you love), one only sews the seeds of their own misfortune.   In the end you only break your own heart.  Lately I feel the word "change" has lost its meaning become just a slogan, propaganda. But I believe i can change. And I'll even define the change i wish to seek (some "people" (if you can call them that) won't define it, and then you realize, once its too late, that maybe, the change they were talking about wasn't such a good thing after all).  I don't want to hurt myself or any of my loved ones. I will love myself so I don't continue to hurt myself, and those i care for. I will look at the bright side of life and by doing that will look on the bright side of myself. Only with hope(not the slogan) can one achieve this.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  -Mahatma Gandhi

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."  -Mahatma Gandhi