here's my sick satisfaction
i hate you.
right now, i hate you so much.
for how you made my heart feel for the first time ever
for the tears I’ve shed for you
for breaking me the first time,
and now you’ve done it again.
We talked four days ago, and I told you that the best thing about you is that you don’t lie to me. Then what happens? You tell me that you’re going to see family in Saginaw, so you can’t come and see me for my graduation open house. Then viva tells me that you’re at Marta’s. You LIED. After everything, you know that is what hurts me the most. And YOU DID IT ANYWAYS.
That one act broke my heart. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Before, you only broke my mind a little bit. Now, you destroyed my heart. The worst part is, I didn’t see this coming. I should have known better, to just keep my heart out of things in general. I want to scream at you, to drive a knife through your heart, to make you feel the pain that I felt when I realized you lied to me. I forced down everything for one day, (only because viva refused to let me talk about it, or cry) and all the next I could barely breathe for the pain in my chest. Like someone was pushing down on my chest as hard as they could… hard enough to shatter my bones and crush my heart. The night of my party… I almost got sick because I was sitting talking to my friends, and thought to myself… “He’s probably having sex with her right now.” I was so close to a panic attack, I almost fainted trying to push it down. WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME? WHY DO I REACT LIKE THIS?! Before I even found out, at church that morning, I swore I felt a dagger point in between my shoulder blades. I’m so naïve, it’s disgusting.
Oh, and I think she’s a manipulative bitch. I think that she’s playing you, but you can’t see it. You love her so much, you can’t see it. I guess that’s a parallel to me and you. I love you like you love her.
Oh, the best barb is:
Because you lied, I doubt everything you ever said to me. You said you cared for me, you said that you felt something. I wonder if the time we had together meant anything to you; If I meant anything to you. Was I just some casual lay? Was it all an act, to get me in bed?
The worst part is, I want… I still want to hear your voice, to have you hold me in your arms and comfort me and wipe my tears away. And I’m afraid of never seeing you again, never talking to you. Why, Goddess, did this have to go so WRONG?!?!
I’m so stupid and juvenile to even be doing this, writing this, that it makes me sick.
I’m not writing any of this for your benefit. I hope it hurts you. I’m writing this so I can come to terms with what you’ve done to me. Even though I love you with all my heart and I don’t want to hurt you, I hope someday you feel this pain.
right now, i hate you so much.
for how you made my heart feel for the first time ever
for the tears I’ve shed for you
for breaking me the first time,
and now you’ve done it again.
We talked four days ago, and I told you that the best thing about you is that you don’t lie to me. Then what happens? You tell me that you’re going to see family in Saginaw, so you can’t come and see me for my graduation open house. Then viva tells me that you’re at Marta’s. You LIED. After everything, you know that is what hurts me the most. And YOU DID IT ANYWAYS.
That one act broke my heart. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Before, you only broke my mind a little bit. Now, you destroyed my heart. The worst part is, I didn’t see this coming. I should have known better, to just keep my heart out of things in general. I want to scream at you, to drive a knife through your heart, to make you feel the pain that I felt when I realized you lied to me. I forced down everything for one day, (only because viva refused to let me talk about it, or cry) and all the next I could barely breathe for the pain in my chest. Like someone was pushing down on my chest as hard as they could… hard enough to shatter my bones and crush my heart. The night of my party… I almost got sick because I was sitting talking to my friends, and thought to myself… “He’s probably having sex with her right now.” I was so close to a panic attack, I almost fainted trying to push it down. WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME? WHY DO I REACT LIKE THIS?! Before I even found out, at church that morning, I swore I felt a dagger point in between my shoulder blades. I’m so naïve, it’s disgusting.
Oh, and I think she’s a manipulative bitch. I think that she’s playing you, but you can’t see it. You love her so much, you can’t see it. I guess that’s a parallel to me and you. I love you like you love her.
Oh, the best barb is:
Because you lied, I doubt everything you ever said to me. You said you cared for me, you said that you felt something. I wonder if the time we had together meant anything to you; If I meant anything to you. Was I just some casual lay? Was it all an act, to get me in bed?
The worst part is, I want… I still want to hear your voice, to have you hold me in your arms and comfort me and wipe my tears away. And I’m afraid of never seeing you again, never talking to you. Why, Goddess, did this have to go so WRONG?!?!
I’m so stupid and juvenile to even be doing this, writing this, that it makes me sick.
I’m not writing any of this for your benefit. I hope it hurts you. I’m writing this so I can come to terms with what you’ve done to me. Even though I love you with all my heart and I don’t want to hurt you, I hope someday you feel this pain.