writing again...
Ok, i'm offically so crap at keeping up with this [and it seems i'm not the only one] .. i never seem to be able to pin myself or my thoughts down long enough to really share.. so, for anyone still out there in Popsicle land i am on facebook.. feel free to friend me since 1 sentence updates are more useful than none at all and i always like to know what's up Jack Flinn is the name and hope to see you there .. haha.. but, since i am writing again i felt i would share.. about 2004 i think i started it and posted it here, and it's in a semi-finished format now oddly after one night of weirdness. Comments are appreciated and i know there is some repetition, there hasn't been an edit since the writing. anyway, since it took me years.. here it is.
Years....
The moon resting half hung in the sky as if once placed it was forgotten. When I went outside I knew I was waiting for something. Unsure of what, I had to simply stand and feel the mood of the eve. Wind gently sweeping along the autumn leaves and teasing free wisps of my to long hair. If it wasn’t for the wind I’d fear the night to quiet but as it is I find the strength of the air calming. Perhaps that says to much of how much a storm is raining down in my head; at least the reasons I need to get outside and get some air.
Ten feet away lays my destiny, or who I should say is my destiny but life seems to be conspiring against everything that could be. It’s like fighting the tide. I try not to turn my head and peer through the parted drapes yet, I am ever compelled to. Watching people is a habit, watching him is an obsession. He’s sitting on my futon, the only furniture I have beyond a butterfly chair and the one that sits before my wrought iron computer desk. Head tilted downward, reading a flyer on special Chinese for the New Year. How, how did I get this man in my home who inspires all these thoughts. I turn back to the night, eagerly awaiting the silence and the freedom of it’s infinite beauty. There are no stars in the sky and despite it all the trees in their nakedness are silhouetted elegantly. Every curve hinted at and secret turn made evident. My notice of the night is like a desperate distraction I can feel it, I know that he’s there just beyond the glass and so very, very real.
I steal my strength from the night sky, it’s air and with a sigh I crush the cigarettes burning light under the heel of my shoe. I can’t… I just want to scream my frustrations to the wind and curl inside the moon because I know she’s the only one who will understand. But I face it, I face.. Him. I turn and in slow motion I walk back to the illuminated palace I call home. Pressing back the smoked glass door I stand and breath a moment or two more before entering his line of vision. He tilts his head, half his profile caught in shadow and I feel my lips curl into a sarcastic grin. A shared joke as he explains the menu he’d been reading and I just shake my head, offering word only in mono syllables as I swallow that instant image. ‘One more beer?’ so simple those words and yet I know even the offer is inviting him in.. what do you do.. What would you do in my place if confronted with a desire you knew could never be completed. He nods yes, and I turn away from him again, I have to because if I don’t I refuse to live with the consequence. To serve a guest can be a chore but in this moment, here and now I relished every chance to be apart. It’s surreal to see my house, my kitchen and all the dirty dishes and near overflowing trash suddenly as lovely. That it’s all lovely…
5 years later and that moment still pierces my heart like a knife. I never saw him again. that man. even though every fiber of my being sings a wanton rhythm to get his attention. How droll. I shake my head at the pretty delusions that try and thrust themselves to attention and center myself to the life that is here, that is now. A coffee poured and a smile offered, heartbreaking. How was your day? Small chatter, prefect pretense and all the while I deny, cry and fight against thoughts so passionate as to drag me down. And then, sudden as a gust of wind comes an echo of a memory; strained and distorted but so true…. He says hello as strong and false as a sin. He smiles and I am so shocked I nearly spill my half full coffee pot across his lap… I even blush and that is a rare thing. He asks me if I work here allot, and I tell him it’s my third day… I can’t stop watching his lips and I try to say something witty but it comes off so.. .. Loud… in fact I have to run… to give up… to give up is no small thing and when you let go of something beautiful it hurts even more when it’s the second time. Without thought or conscience I turn my back before the memories steal the truth from my lips.
10 years later and I’ve run from your promise every time. It’s never been you… just a thought.. An idea and I can’t understand why you haunt me. Is it you? Or is it just some dream I always wanted and cannot have. Am I going to die with your image in my mind. … I can’t let go. I want to. The coffee is cold and my ankles hurt as I go to serve another customer.. I smile.. I greet and bear it all in pain. The desert beyond the window swirls harsh and angry as the storm kicks up dust and I squint in feeling.. It’s going to be a long walk. It doesn’t start to rain till I’m halfway home and I’m ready… in fact I want it to hide the tears I can’t seem to stop from falling and as I close my eyes I can only see your smile and the unconcerned look in your eyes.
20 years and the desert is as much a memory as you. My husband died 5 years after we married and in all his gentleness I still feel a certain contentment he never lived long enough to see me this way. The ache in my chest is almost constant now and I know there is something wrong but I refuse to see a doctor. I won’t have some clinical outcome to my life. I’d rather die oblivious and knowing. I want it. I already gave it all up. I said goodbye to everything i ever wanted when I said goodbye to you. My hands hurt; every muscle rebels against future movements. My tights cut into my hips sharply as the storm comes alive quickly overhead; raging thunder echoing the fierce lighting. Perfect symmetry and it’s so fucking perfect I smile with feeling… I haven’t smiled in years and in that singular movement I remember Him. Years. Years and years and… years beyond love since I’d thought about his shadow; thought about him. It makes me smile though a sudden coughing fit almost bends me at the knees and I can hardly breathe; I cling to the tree watching the storm and wishing.. Wishing just once I could have… could have…
-j
Years....
The moon resting half hung in the sky as if once placed it was forgotten. When I went outside I knew I was waiting for something. Unsure of what, I had to simply stand and feel the mood of the eve. Wind gently sweeping along the autumn leaves and teasing free wisps of my to long hair. If it wasn’t for the wind I’d fear the night to quiet but as it is I find the strength of the air calming. Perhaps that says to much of how much a storm is raining down in my head; at least the reasons I need to get outside and get some air.
Ten feet away lays my destiny, or who I should say is my destiny but life seems to be conspiring against everything that could be. It’s like fighting the tide. I try not to turn my head and peer through the parted drapes yet, I am ever compelled to. Watching people is a habit, watching him is an obsession. He’s sitting on my futon, the only furniture I have beyond a butterfly chair and the one that sits before my wrought iron computer desk. Head tilted downward, reading a flyer on special Chinese for the New Year. How, how did I get this man in my home who inspires all these thoughts. I turn back to the night, eagerly awaiting the silence and the freedom of it’s infinite beauty. There are no stars in the sky and despite it all the trees in their nakedness are silhouetted elegantly. Every curve hinted at and secret turn made evident. My notice of the night is like a desperate distraction I can feel it, I know that he’s there just beyond the glass and so very, very real.
I steal my strength from the night sky, it’s air and with a sigh I crush the cigarettes burning light under the heel of my shoe. I can’t… I just want to scream my frustrations to the wind and curl inside the moon because I know she’s the only one who will understand. But I face it, I face.. Him. I turn and in slow motion I walk back to the illuminated palace I call home. Pressing back the smoked glass door I stand and breath a moment or two more before entering his line of vision. He tilts his head, half his profile caught in shadow and I feel my lips curl into a sarcastic grin. A shared joke as he explains the menu he’d been reading and I just shake my head, offering word only in mono syllables as I swallow that instant image. ‘One more beer?’ so simple those words and yet I know even the offer is inviting him in.. what do you do.. What would you do in my place if confronted with a desire you knew could never be completed. He nods yes, and I turn away from him again, I have to because if I don’t I refuse to live with the consequence. To serve a guest can be a chore but in this moment, here and now I relished every chance to be apart. It’s surreal to see my house, my kitchen and all the dirty dishes and near overflowing trash suddenly as lovely. That it’s all lovely…
5 years later and that moment still pierces my heart like a knife. I never saw him again. that man. even though every fiber of my being sings a wanton rhythm to get his attention. How droll. I shake my head at the pretty delusions that try and thrust themselves to attention and center myself to the life that is here, that is now. A coffee poured and a smile offered, heartbreaking. How was your day? Small chatter, prefect pretense and all the while I deny, cry and fight against thoughts so passionate as to drag me down. And then, sudden as a gust of wind comes an echo of a memory; strained and distorted but so true…. He says hello as strong and false as a sin. He smiles and I am so shocked I nearly spill my half full coffee pot across his lap… I even blush and that is a rare thing. He asks me if I work here allot, and I tell him it’s my third day… I can’t stop watching his lips and I try to say something witty but it comes off so.. .. Loud… in fact I have to run… to give up… to give up is no small thing and when you let go of something beautiful it hurts even more when it’s the second time. Without thought or conscience I turn my back before the memories steal the truth from my lips.
10 years later and I’ve run from your promise every time. It’s never been you… just a thought.. An idea and I can’t understand why you haunt me. Is it you? Or is it just some dream I always wanted and cannot have. Am I going to die with your image in my mind. … I can’t let go. I want to. The coffee is cold and my ankles hurt as I go to serve another customer.. I smile.. I greet and bear it all in pain. The desert beyond the window swirls harsh and angry as the storm kicks up dust and I squint in feeling.. It’s going to be a long walk. It doesn’t start to rain till I’m halfway home and I’m ready… in fact I want it to hide the tears I can’t seem to stop from falling and as I close my eyes I can only see your smile and the unconcerned look in your eyes.
20 years and the desert is as much a memory as you. My husband died 5 years after we married and in all his gentleness I still feel a certain contentment he never lived long enough to see me this way. The ache in my chest is almost constant now and I know there is something wrong but I refuse to see a doctor. I won’t have some clinical outcome to my life. I’d rather die oblivious and knowing. I want it. I already gave it all up. I said goodbye to everything i ever wanted when I said goodbye to you. My hands hurt; every muscle rebels against future movements. My tights cut into my hips sharply as the storm comes alive quickly overhead; raging thunder echoing the fierce lighting. Perfect symmetry and it’s so fucking perfect I smile with feeling… I haven’t smiled in years and in that singular movement I remember Him. Years. Years and years and… years beyond love since I’d thought about his shadow; thought about him. It makes me smile though a sudden coughing fit almost bends me at the knees and I can hardly breathe; I cling to the tree watching the storm and wishing.. Wishing just once I could have… could have…
-j